my wife says im a p-e-n-i-s please help!

[carlclearview]

If I had actually spent more time listening in school rather than mitching/bunking off and having fun instead, I might be able to describe myself properly without having to resort to references to the male dangly bits so if you have a beard, a cardigan or both and you were offended by my use of the word p-e-n-i-s, I am truly sorry, but I struggle to find words to describe my idiocy and that's why I need your help!


So here goes... at 36 It's hard to describe what I'm going through as a mid life crisis maybe just a crisis, but I decided to become a biker! So off I went one cold rainy day and did my CBT. As soon as I realised that the point was to miss the cones not hit as many as I could, I did ok... and for the next 2 months I spend the time scaring myself silly on my Honda cg 125. Incidentally, if your 6ft and quite largely built, riding a cg looks like you've turned up at some playground and stolen a child's pushbike.. not a really good look to be honest, but hay, it did the job.


Then the theory test which had very little to do with motorcycling from what I gather from the questions, came and went. If anyone has done the hazard perception test you will know how tricky it is to get the timing right. Everytime I saw a hazard I clicked like my life depended on it... you know like when your looking at internet porn and the wife walks in...


That done, mod 1! More cones although these were nicely coloured helping me to avoid every one.. I passed but did lock the back wheel on the emergency stop, so in a blind panic, with visions of the ground hurtling toward my face, I stopped breaking took my bits off everything and closed my eyes tightly! The bike came to an abrupt halt saving itself with the engine breaking. Man in a hi vis vest said I passed because I showed control after locking the back wheel... I thanked my tired old motorcycle school bike for that, I guess it had had enough of being dropped and decided to save itself.


Mod 2 was also a great laugh. I tried my best to chat freely to examiner and to turn on the charm, by asking about his wife, children dog his bike anything to make him think oh he's a nice guy... a guy this nice must be able to ride a bike properly do I even need to take him out?... well instructors I have now found out are totally immune to this sort of stuff, apparently everyone tries it.. who knew? So I had to remember everything I had been taught, but alas my indications were shocking and I had 3 minor... but a pass is a pass!


So here is where you guys come in. I passed on the Tuesday, then picked up my bike a bmw r1150r on Thursday from Northampton, I live in Cardiff so my first experience of motorway was the m6 at rush hour in the wet but worse the wind. It took me 5 hours to get the bike back it takes 3 in a car... I learned 3 things.. lorries suck. Car drivers don't give a shite and thirdly helmets are shocking. At 65mph my helmet felt as though it was being pulled off my head by a Russian shot putter, then every time I done a life saver, the stupid thing would spin around and totally obscure the vision in one eye until I could readjust it with one shaking hand on the bars... how do people travel at 160mph+ on these things...


It was only when I took my wife to get her helmet, another man told me that they are supposed to be very tight. I tried my wife's small helmet on and discovered that I was not an xl but a small. Now I can go whatever speed I like and the Russians keep their hands to themselves!


Then, last Saturday, I took the missus out for a nice Saturday ride and because it was so hot decided to pull into a busy lay by for a cold drink. So I pulls up, finds neutral first time, pops the stand down and gently leans the bike over. I instructs my misuses to stay put as I get off and to my increasing panic, the bike continues to lean... and lean some more... so with one leg on the ground, the other in my wifes crotch, I tried to hold up 600kg (guess) of BMW. Gravity won and suddenly, there we are, on our asses in the lay by! OMG I wished the ground would open and swallow me my misses and the bike... some people laughed, some stood there open mouthed, while I was rescued by another biker who told me this happens all the time. Apparently, the asphalt had heated up so much the stand actually sunk into the road hence the blunder... he said they sell discs you carry with you for this eventuality. Who would have thunk?


And so here I am, a new rider, with a trip to Ireland next week and no idea if I am prepared or not! It seems there is a lot more to this biking lark than passing your test.. So I was hoping for your suggestions on the things I need to know to save me from any more embarrassing incidents like the one mentioned above so that my wife changes her mind about calling me p-e-n-i-s!

[angryjonny]

This is why I always advise people's first bikes are naked - fewer expensive plastic bits to break when you inevitably drop it. If you think that was embarassing, wait until you try and ride off with your disklock still on the front wheel. You'll get 18 inches, stop dead and keel over. If you're lucky (like I was) no-one will be watching at the time.

[CaNsA]

Anyone fancy providing the highlights?

cheers

[Dilyan]

[carlclearview]

opps soz... dropped bike, choose wrong crash helmet wasted big cash too... and scared myself silly on the motorway... got a trip to ireland planned and want your advice on avoiding any more common noobie issues..!

[Fifteen15]

Get a tinted visor. It's helps immensely when you get into those red face moments.
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"Pain is weakness leaving the body, and blood makes the grass grow faster...but I'll wear my gear anyway"

[shereen]

Epic 1st post
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"The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn't understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had"

[J.M.]

[shereen]

Try not to worry too much, these things happen to us all and its all part of the biking experience.

Chin up
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"The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn't understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had"

[WannaBeDude]

Rtn key or GTFO !!!
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Jogging on, destination living.

[Babba]

[carlclearview]

[U_W v2.0]

hopefully i wont be dropping mine while its in the yard, if i do, its going to land ontop of me after going down 5/6 concrete steps to the back door rofl.

that said, i forgot i had the side stand up and went to rest it down and nearly dropped the damn thing lol
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BCF's biggest cunt list: Cansa, Pits, Rob

[shereen]

[hedgehugger]

I always make my pillion get off first.

Don't park nose to the kerb if there's a camber to the road, can be a buggar to get it backwards again.

Only way to get better at something is to keep on doing it.

[hedgehugger]

[Boydy]

Haha sounds like you had a fun time getting to be a biker
A good bit of advice would probably be to not worry when things like this happen. Like the man who helped you up at the lay by said, it happens all the time, to everyone.
Just go steady with it and have fun!
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NSR 125

[Alex_B]

Yea, it happens mate, but I bet that particular incident doesn't happen again though

See, that's the thing, all the lessons, all the practice round the car parks etc doesn't really mean shit.

You only really start learning when you get off the 125, License in hand and are on the road on a 'big' bike.

That is when the learning starts, you've learnt your first valuable lessons, get the pillion off first.....ALWAYS......

and watch out for that soft tarmac in the hot weather
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My Lane Position is always AWESOME!!

[HJM]

LOOOOL mate, stop your day job and write a book.

I cant offer much help as your more experianced on the road then I, but your hilarious
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"90% of all statistics are made up"

CBT-18/04/2013

[herulach]

Get a new lid, if its moving at motorway speeds its too big.
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YBR 125>FZS600

[AyrtonSenna]

You should write a novel, i would buy it .

[angryjonny]

[Cunnington]

First off, don't beat yourself up - no one got hurt.

If you are planning a trip, I assume it is with mates. My best advice is to ride for yourself and don't let yourself get sucked into trying to keep up or exceeding your limits - agree where to meet up if you get separated.

Understand that the more time you spend on your bike, the more you feel in tune with it, the more confident you will be. The downside is that you will also be more likely you will be to overcook it until you build up experience. You have got years on a bike ahead of you - don't try to run before you can walk.

Relax and don't allow yourself get overly tense like you probably did on the motorway. Flap your arms like a chicken - you may look like a tit, but it encourages you to loosen off.

Above all, well done on passing your test, commiserations on your choice of bike , remember your lifesavers, and enjoy yourself.
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'82 C50, '81 CB100, '84 GS125, '95 NTV650, '00 Bandit 600, '06 SV650, '56 Z1000, '89 NTV600
The Shaggy D.A. wrote: "You are invisible. Those who can see you are trying to kill you."

[herulach]

[alexknight200...]

A long long time ago I witnessed the same thing. Now stay with me on this one.

A group of us decided to take a trip to the coast, Staines to Littlehampton. There were five of us.

Halfway down, just outside Guildford, we decided to stop in a side road, which led to a rather spiffing block of flats.

10 Minutes later two motorcycle cops, (not Puncherleli and the other one CHIPS) pulled up.

Apparently there was a hells angels chapter, parked outside.

Errr, no, just us, the biggest bike was a suzuki gt250.

Anyhow, whilst there the cops decided to 'check' the bikes over. By the time they got to mine, yes you guessed it, one of their bikes decides to topple over (warm tarmac).

Que embarrassed copper , five helpful 'hells angels' and a an up-righted damaged police motorcycle.

Lucky that, as my bike at the time had 'tax in post' and was just legal I think.

So, it happens to the best of them.
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Current stable: Yamaha XVS 650 1996 - Honda Super Magna VF750 1988.