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knuckles
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 Posted: 17:33 - 23 Apr 2007  Post subject: Street Sweeper Stories... |
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They're stories of a guy working as a street sweeper. They are all good, some are side-splittingly amusing. Enjoy!
Here's one quoted to give you a little taster, the link for the rest, which I highly recommend is at the bottom of this post.
They're mildly censored, but I'm sure you can self-correct as you read. 
| Quote: |
When I burned out of college in spring of 2006, I found myself needing cash in the worst kind of way. I was flipping through the newspaper when I found an ad that read:
"Sweeper Vac Driver needed. 3rd shift only"
and gave subsequent contact info. I'm really great doing over night work and decided that I'd give it a shot. I arrive at the office, fill out an application, and before I walked out of the door I was given the job and told to report for training the following evening.
So, I reported to the office the following evening... and had the weirdest/craziest/funniest 8 months of my life. I was hoping to share a story or two with you guys. If you like 'em, I've got TONS.
Stopping a robbery
Incorrectly thinking some guy was dead
Screwing with ricers
Helping the 5 - 0 bust a tranny hooker
and more than I can remember
Training Day:
Trying to make a good first impression, I showed up at 7:30; 15 minutes ahead of schedule. I found a note taped to the door that told me to have a seat in the break room and that my trainer would be with me shortly. Well, 7:30 eventually turned into 8:45 when I had decided to say "gently caress it" and walk out. As I was heading for the door, a very unkempt man wearing jeans and a dirty T-Shirt stumbled in.
Hey..uh.. you Bruiser?
Yeah, I've been here since-
Cool... alright, well uh, lemme go clock in and we'll get going. Here, take this stuff around back to our truck and I'll meet you out there.
I walked out, found our truck, and did some more waiting. Eventually, the guy comes back out with a bag full of stuff and sets it behind the seat. The guy finally introduces himself as Mark. He explained the finer points of the job.
We go around to places like malls and grocery stores, use the sweeper truck to suck up the trash, use leaf blowers to blow trash away form the sidewalk, and empty all of the trashcans.
Wow, that wasn't in the job description.
haha, it never is. Don't worry, FNG's get the hang of the job easily
FNG?
That's you, buddy.
Mark and I got to know each other en route to the first place we had to clean. He's one of the coolest guy's I've ever met and continues to be a friend to this day. He's got a really dry sense of humor, he's kind of a , and had been doing the job way too long.
I got the hang of it midway through the night. It wasn't hard at all, just mind-numbingly dull manual labor. Happy to have someone to talk to, Mark kept me entertained the entire night with stuff he had seen "out there". He also let me in on the fact that the "Sweeper Vac Guys" are pretty tight knit just for how lovely a job it was, and that leaving the "FNG" in the break room is kind of a hazing.
After a quick coffee break, we pulled up to one of our last stops for the night. It was a Walgreen's dead in the center of the Nashville ghetto. Mark dropped me off in front of the building.
Alright, buddy, I'm going to run across the street to our last stop of the night. Go ahead and change the trashcans and check the back of the store for anything out of the ordinary. I'll pick you up when you're done and we'll call it a night
You're leaving me?
Don't worry, call on the radio if you need anything!
and just like that, my pasty white rear end was in the middle of the ghetto at 3am on a friday night. But, luckily for me, I grew up in D.C. and had learned some street sense.
I change the cans really quickly and went around back to "look for anything out of the ordinary".
Usually, I'm really good about watching my back. Notice I said "usually". I was noting that the lights had been shot out when I heard something behind me. I whirled around to see a crack head standing a few feet from me.
Hey man! Hey! Uh, do you have a light, man?
Sorry, I don't smoke
Hey! Uh, do you got a dollar, man?
Listen man, I'm covered to my head in stink at 3am on a Friday night. Does it look like I have a dollar?
The guy then pulls a knife from his jacket pocket. This is not going to happen. I'm covered head to toe in grime, I'm exhausted, and now a crack head is trying to mug me on my first night at work. This is not going to happen. So I did the only thing I could do.
Come on, man! Give me that wallet!
I hold up my hands, nod, and make like I'm reaching behind me for my wallet. Well, some ****** had missed the dumpster with a pallet earlier in the day and had left planks of wood scattered about behind me.
I grab a plank of wood, whip around, and crack it as hard as I can on the side of his face. He drops like a ton of bricks and I reached for the radio.
Hey! Some crack head just tried to mug be back here. I think I knocked him out. Do we need to call Metro PD or something?
*long pause*
Hello?!
Is he dead?
WHAT!?
Is. He. Dead.
I reached down and felt a strong pulse on the guy (but man was his face a wreck).
No, he's alive.
gently caress it, I'm coming to pick you up, see you in a sec.
A moment later, Mark comes roaring behind the store, stops, and looks at my handy-work.
Good form!
Can we go now?
I mean, I've had to drop guys before, but this takes the cake!
Can we please go now?
Mark then takes a picture with his cell phone
I can't wait to show the guys when we get back to the office!
Later on that morning, he introduced me to everyone in the group. After showing off the pictures and bragging about "How his FNG dropped someone the first night" one of the other guys, Jay, got me a cup of coffee.
It was then that I found out that almost getting robbed was apart of the job and I handled it like it was supposed to be handled.
I also found out that "FNG" stood for "****in' New Guy." |
There are lots of them, linked from the first page here.
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2411937#post325447559
Last edited by knuckles on 17:58 - 23 Apr 2007; edited 1 time in total |
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knuckles
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| steveh |
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steveh
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Posted: 17:49 - 23 Apr 2007  Post subject: |
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never read it before, sounds good, although the link is dead 
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Current : 06 Zx10r, 07 Wr450f SM, 74 850 norton commando, 63 bsa b40, 1962 Triton 650, 67 Triumph Tr6r, 1955 Triton 750, 1978 TY250E. |
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knuckles
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truslack
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pwntifex
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| Posted: 22:06 - 23 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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SA is brilliant. Nice link matey. 
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the warped one: This is a follow up from the thread 'my willy hurts' |
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FreshAL
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| Posted: 10:40 - 24 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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Lol, I'd never seen that before and I thought I'd read the whole internet pretty much.
SA is blocked from work, so there's going for anyone who posts another story
Or some schweet lovin'* to anyone who emails me the whole ting 
*offer only vaild if you're fit and female |
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GodzGift
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| Posted: 13:19 - 24 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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well deserved good stuff dude |
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Visitor Q
$25 whore
Joined: 30 Apr 2004
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Posted: 13:41 - 24 Apr 2007  Post subject: |
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As i was replying anyway, ill be good.
Stories are very good by the way  Killed the hour between lectures nicely.
| Quote: | Wow, I had no idea my stories would be so well received.
Doug and the killer KY:
As I mentioned before, the Sweeper Vac Unit was a pretty tight knit group. We were an assembly of the damned; 15 men working one of the shittiest jobs possible. That being said, we pranked the hell out of each other on a nightly basis. This is the story of Doug and the killer KY.
Part of our job entailed walking around the property and checking for things. Not exactly a security guard, but just making sure buildings hadn't been broken into. Well, sometimes we would find things our by the dumpsters. Especially at the Walgreen's. You see, they would throw any kind of over stock and just lay it up against the back wall of the building. Being that we were responsible for cleaning it up, we would sometimes discover an interesting find.
This time I had found an entire case of KY Warming lubricant. I cracked open the case and found around 50 sealed, unused bottles. I instantly called Jay, our resident prank master, and called in my find.
Go ahead, Bruiser
Hey, brother, you're not going to believe what I just found
If it's not a blind Dutch prostitute, I'm not interested.
It's close. It's a case of KY.
Dick lube?
No.. WARMING dick lube.
Bring it in when you head back to the barn tonight.
10-4.
I knew that anything he was going to use the "Dick lube" for was going to be epic. I eagerly finished up the night, hid my crate of dick lube, and went home for the day. I got a call from Jay earlier that day telling me to show up early to work. Our target was Doug.
Doug was the epitome of . He was paranoid to the point of idiocy, always looking behind him, always sitting with his back to the wall, and always annoying the piss out of us with stories about people trying to "get him" on his route. He also thought that Al Qaeda was setting up a cell in middle Tennessee.
This would be like shooting ducks in a barrel.
So Jay and I took the case of KY around to the back, opened the cab of Doug's truck, and proceeded to bathe every surface of the truck in KY. Pleased with our handy work ( ) , we ducked back into the office when the rest of the crew showed up.
Well,Doug was going on and on about how Metro PD was running surveillance on his route. He said that he had proof and that it was in his truck. So, he runs out and those of us that were in on it start to chuckle. A minute goes by, two minutes, 5 minutes. Jay just looks at me and says
Three... two... o-
WHAM! Goes the office door
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Doug comes running into the office
AAAAAAAAAAA OH GOD! I'VE BEEN POISONED!
Oh my god! What do you mean?!
I've been sabotaged! There's acid all over the inside of my truck! IT BURNS!
Oh no! Who do you think it was?!
I loving TOLD YOU AL QAEDA SET UP A CELL! I TOLD EVERYONE! OH GOD THE BURNING
It should be noted that Doug was covered head to toe in KY, running around the office and shouting at everything.
Maybe you should jump into the shower! Wash off the acid!
GOOD IDEA, BRUISER! GAH THE BURNING!
I couldn't help myself...
The BURNINATION?!
YES!
Finally his crazy rear end runs into the locker room. There's a quick two beat and then the entire room erupts into laughter. Before leaving, we put a bottle of stuff on the table in the locker room with a note that said:
"You foiled our secret plot -
With love,
Osama XOXO "
Turns out he spent 3 hours cleaning the KY out of his truck that night. |
Here by request, Messing with Ricers.
It's like "The Fast and the Furious"... but with even worse cars and zit-faced high school kids:
So, I pull into Dover Crossing (see: lovely Kroger shopping center) and cruise around to get a general idea of how much trash is on the parking lot. Well, right in the center of the lot there are around 30 high school aged kids showing off their cheap, poorly modded, late 90's import cars. I could have handled that alone, but the cars we're parked the exact opposite from the parking spaces. I guess spending mommy's money on a body kit from eBay (that you managed to crack 2 days after purchase) gives you the right to do that. There are a couple of problems here:
1) The children are hanging out right in the middle of the lot... over trash... that I need to pick up... now.
2) I have a deep hatred for idiot 17 year olds, lovely riced-out Honda civics, AND the anorexic trailer trash that passes for female companionship in that neck of the woods.
A trifecta of doom united.
this could get interesting.
So I park the truck at the end of the lot, blow out the curb line, and proceed to pick up every bit of trash AROUND the Mentally Challenged Drivers Club meeting. I made a few close passes, hoping that they would get some assemblage of a clue and move. I then shunned myself for applying an ounce of logic when dealing with retards.
So I cruise around for around 5 minutes and they still don't move. I shut down the rear engine and go over to the group of kids, I quickly find the leader and have a conversation with him... it went something like this:
Hey man, I was wondering if you guys could move a couple of spaces over so I can sweep here. You don't have to move your car or anything, I just need to get into this aisle for about 3 minutes."
Moron: "gently caress you."
Hey man, we don't need any of that.. I just need to move in here for a few minutes. I'll be out of your hair in no time, really.
Moron: "Why don't you get back into your truck, and get the gently caress out of here."
-- Now... the group of kids had gathered around, and had actually started laughing at that last comment.
So, it's like that?
Moron: "Yeah, it's like that."
Alright man, just remember that I asked nicely first.
Moron: "gently caress OFF, GARBAGE MAN!"
-- You know, something I've never understood is why people have to mess with me. First of all, I'm as big as a tank and I know how to fight. Second of all, I'm a nice guy... until you piss me off. So the children taunt me as I go back to my truck.
Oh, drat.. I forgot to mention that I picked up a bag of Quick-Crete at Home Depot.. my previous stop that evening. You see, it was a full bag that had split open, so I had just put it in the back of my hopper (the hopper is where all of the trash goes). Oops. I wonder what would happen if I ran the blower engine (that's the engine that creates suction) at 100% throttle with all of that powdered Quick-Crete in the back... might as well find out, right?
I dropped the hammer on the throttle control. My blower engine was screaming at full throttle, exhaust shooting out of the pipes. I had never run it at full power because usually 30-50% is more than enough to pick up garbage.Plus, I didn't need anymore exploding sweeper trucks. The entire truck was shuddering. There was so much pressure in the hopper, the Quick-Crete couldn't find a way to escape.... so I made one.
I made one final run at the children. I was going about 25 miles an hour when I hit the controls to separate the hopper from the truck. What ensued was something for the ages.
Quick-Crete and dust came billowing out of the two gigantic intake tubes. It seriously looked like a scene from Maximum Overdrive. The sound was horrendous as I made 3 loops around the children and their cars. A Thick cloud of dust enveloped the parking lot as I did my laps like some kind of demon.
The kids literally sprinted to their cars which were now covered with a super fine layer of white powder. I had never seen a parking lot clear out in under 15 seconds.
I shut my engine down, reconnected the hopper to the intake tubes, and moved to the dust storm-free front of the Kroger. Unbeknownst to me, I had drawn a crowd of the late night stocking crew who had seen me talking to the teens on camera, and wanted to watch the action.
I hopped out of the truck and lit a cigarette. All of the stocking crew was amazed and said "that was loving awesome!" and that I "showed those assholes". We chatted for a few minutes as the dust cloud settled. It was time to move on to my next stop.
Oh, there's one more thing. A rainstorm had moved through about 10 minutes before I showed up. Their cars were wet when I crop dusted.
Hope they had fun getting that poo poo off.
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule... |
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Visitor Q
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Posted: 13:51 - 24 Apr 2007  Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Illegal Street (sweeper) Racing:
Halfway through my stay at the company, I was working 7 days a week. 5 days on my normal route in Murfreesboro and the weekend sweeping in Clarksville. Now, for those of you not familiar with the geography, Murfreesoboro is in the exact center of TN where as Clarksville is on the TN/KY border. I had finished my Friday night in Clarksville and was cruising down I-24 when i get a call from Mike.
Hey, where are you at?
I'm about 20 outside Nashville, you?
I'm just wrapping up here in Green Hills (Nashville 'burb).
Cool, you want to meet up?
Actually, I'm so fast I'll probably beat you back to Murfreesboro AND have time to gently caress your girlfriend.
That fast, eh?
That fast.
Well, perk up your ears, old man. I want you to hear this. Never. Not in this lifetime or the next will you ever beat me in a race. Not tonight. Not ever.
Oh, we'll see. Give me a call before you reach the Trinity Ln. Exit. I'll be waiting.
See you there.
Now, Mike and I are pretty close. We tended to hang out after work during the week drinking beer and playing Need for Speed: Most Wanted until noon. By the way, getting drunk at 9am is awesome. But I digress.
I radio in that I'm about to pass the exit, and the race is on.
I pass his truck at 80 and he quickly catches up. My side mirrors are filled with his headlights as we fly down I-24 at 4 in the morning. He passes me and I drop the hammer. Tucking in behind his truck, I start drafting him at 97 miles an hour.
The entire truck is shaking. For a brief instant I think that this rat-trap piece of poo poo is going to fall apart around me. A demon is trying to escape from the hood. I can't imagine what two sweeper vac trucks traveling at speeds close to 100 miles an hour, inches apart from each other looks like*.
I see the sign for our exit; 3/4 of a mile. I sling shot around Mike and take a glance at the speedometer. There I can't see the needle and the rear end end is poking toward "5". I finally pass him and rocket up the on ramp. Our office isn't too far off the interstate and I do a good job of blocking until I get to the shop. Needless to say, I won.
Well, We pull in and hop out.
Hah! What the gently caress did I say!
Um.. Bruiser?
You see that poo poo?! I had the needle buried into the dash. I'm awesome!
Bruiser?
I think you need to buy the beer today, because that poo poo was outta sight!
BRUISER!
WHAT?!
Look at the rear end end of your truck.
I walk around and take a look. The rear axle at the wheel hubs was smoking. I did the mental connect the dots.
Was I on...
Fire? Yeah. You were. I tried to tell you, but you didn't hear me.
Did it look cool?
...
I bet it did.
Are you kidding me? It was like the sweeper truck from hell! It was loving fantastic!
I knew it.
And that was the end of the story. Or at least I thought it was until Bryce called me.
Hey Bruise
Bryceman!
Yeah.. uh, hi. Listen, I just got a call from a trooper friend of mine talking about a pair of sweeper trucks doing about a buck-oh-five down 24. You know anything about that?
NOOOOOOOoooooo, are you serious? These things? They hardly do 80
Riiiiiiight, well just look for the smoking truck, apparently the guy was burning his axles and looked all seven flavors of hell coming down the highway.
* check that, it looked awesome. |
Thats good 
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule... |
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| Dave McCool |
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Dave McCool
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| Posted: 14:07 - 24 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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Brilliant read, best thing in absolutely ages, nice find!
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McGee - "When I go to the mall and see all the high school girls, I have to have DO NOT TOUCH THE GIRLS written on my hand. Every time I go to grope I see it and stop."
K7 GSXR750 |
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| SoulRider |
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SoulRider
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| Posted: 20:45 - 24 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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read the lot today in between calls at work  brilliant read, and to be honest very believable.
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| st3v3 |
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st3v3
Super Spammer
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
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| Posted: 21:23 - 24 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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Quality , shame there were quotes/"spoilers" before the read  
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Roger wrote: Women don't get damp for clingy puppies. Get some better happy pills, hit the gym & buy a medallion the size of a dinner plate. Job done |
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| Rookie |
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Rookie
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| Posted: 00:17 - 25 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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This stuff is absolutely brilliant! I nearly cried on EPILOGUE.  |
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Rookie
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| FreshAL |
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FreshAL
Sir Crashalot
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| Visitor Q |
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Visitor Q
$25 whore
Joined: 30 Apr 2004
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| Posted: 16:42 - 25 Apr 2007 Post subject: |
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The bullshit about the gf annoyed me. Specially the incredibly twee dialogue...
Not to mention all though 'i took on 30 guys, covered there prized belongings in shit, and they just left quietly' and 'after id broken four guys noses....'
Plus all the weirdo groupies on there 
But SOME of the stories were good.
If i were you id read that humper monkeys 'every family has to have trash', its fucking inspired
Sounds fake, but you hear his after comments you start believing him abit more. Which is more concerning.
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule... |
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Old Thread Alert!
The last post was made 18 years, 297 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful? |
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