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fatjames
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Joined: 09 Jul 2011
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PostPosted: 14:34 - 05 Jun 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
Which cheese is best when you're trying to tempt a bear our of its cave?

Camembert


Which cheese is best when you're trying to disguise a horse?

mascarpone
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AshWebster
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PostPosted: 15:44 - 05 Jun 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

i dont mean to brag about finances...

but the bank keep ringing me telling me i've got an outstanding balance

Very HappyVery HappyVery Happy
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Pjay
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PostPosted: 16:05 - 05 Jun 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old chap goes to the doctor and says "Doc there's a problem, every morning like clockwork I take a shit at 8am"
The doctor looks puzzled and says "That's great, what's the problem?"
"I don't wake up until 8:30" he says.
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 08:35 - 08 Jun 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

As a tribute to Peter Stringfellow, all 'dancers' in his clubs will be wearing their g-strings at half mast today.
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 20:15 - 03 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Parents of the four Pakistanis killed in a road crash in Bradford have today issued a joint statement saying:

"We're devastated our loving sons never got to realise their full potential as suicide bombers".
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Bloggsy
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Joined: 08 Feb 2010
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PostPosted: 19:17 - 04 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Raffles wrote:
Parents of the four Pakistanis killed in a road crash in Bradford have today issued a joint statement saying:

"We're devastated our loving sons never got to realise their full potential as suicide bombers".



That is a bit out of order but I love it Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 18:30 - 08 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

The genders are just like the WTC towers. Once there were two, and today it is a very sensitive topic. Thinking
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owl
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Joined: 21 Oct 2016
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PostPosted: 15:03 - 06 Sep 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woman goes to the hospital to give birth

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Woman: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Well... Your baby's a ginger.
Woman: Oh no, that's awful. What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is it's dead.
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bhinso
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Joined: 21 Jun 2008
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PostPosted: 16:21 - 06 Sep 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloke comes back from the Doctors, says to his missus "Awful news, I've got the big C"

She says "Oh no, Cancer?"

He says "No, dyslexia"
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 08:32 - 08 Sep 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

If a woman driver turns her wipers on on a hot sunny day, she's probably about to turn right. Thinking
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 14:52 - 23 Sep 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke buys a Cockney parrot, but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from London, and I'm hard as fuck!", so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead, and the parrot says, "I'm from London, and I'm hard as fuck!", so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in its cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead, and the parrot with no feathers! As he looks in the cage, the parrot says, "Had to take me coat off for that cunt!"
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Kawasaki Jimbo
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Joined: 09 Oct 2015
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PostPosted: 11:35 - 30 Sep 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife said she wanted me to leave because of my obsession with Only Fools and Horses. I said OK, I'll get my suitcase from the van.
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Kawasaki Jimbo
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Joined: 09 Oct 2015
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PostPosted: 19:36 - 01 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to the dentist today, she said I need a crown. Finally, someone who understands me.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 02:29 - 02 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

chickenstrip wrote:
A bloke buys a Cockney parrot, but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from London, and I'm hard as fuck!", so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead, and the parrot says, "I'm from London, and I'm hard as fuck!", so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in its cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead, and the parrot with no feathers! As he looks in the cage, the parrot says, "Had to take me coat off for that cunt!"


So this went on with every companion bird he brought home until the guy had had enough of it.
He told the cockney parrot, "if you attack anymore birds your going in the freezer ya prick."
Parrot attacked the next bird the guy brought.
Guy put the parrot in the freezer.
Parrot shouts out, "I'm sorry for my past behaviour Sir and I promise to be good in future."
Guy let's it out the freezer.
Parrot asks, "What the fuck did that chicken in there do?"
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trevor saxe-coburg-gotha
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Joined: 22 Nov 2012
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PostPosted: 07:27 - 02 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

RhynoCZ wrote:
The genders are just like the WTC towers. Once there were two, and today it is a very sensitive topic. Thinking


But now there are supposedly more than two genders, but there are no twin towers.

Apart from that though, they're really similar.
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King29
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PostPosted: 23:37 - 05 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A two week old baby is fighting for her life after being raped in a Belfast hospital.

The Muslim world is said to be overjoyed at the return of the prophet Mohammed.
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 17:30 - 07 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Do33zyZXgAEj7-c.jpg
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 14:32 - 10 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Conductor: "Mister, this is a children's ticket ... !!!"
Mr.: "Well, at least now you can see what kind of delay your trains have."
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 17:22 - 16 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a fat feminist with a rape whistle?

An optimist. Thinking
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'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI; MZ 150 ETZ, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor
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The Shaggy D.A.
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PostPosted: 08:07 - 26 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can.
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 15:03 - 26 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went swimming earlier, and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in Neutral
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 13:46 - 27 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DqezPGPWwAE19KI.jpg
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
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The Harry Turner Project
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 20:34 - 27 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 22:01 - 27 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

It looks like Leicester City’s hopes of winning the title ever again have crashed and burned.
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 01:00 - 28 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^Couldn't you wait until the rotors stopped spinning before getting that one in. Razz
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 5 years, 153 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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