A Joke A Day

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

[Llama-Farmer]

[Tritey]

The new barman in the pub is black, so I said to him, "Beer please, nigger."
He hit the roof and said, "Why don't we swap places, let's see how you like it."
So I went round the bar, he walked out then came back in and said, "Beer please, honkey."

I said, "Sorry mate, we don't serve niggers in here."

[Tritey]

I was sat at a red light in my car when this nigger pulled up next to me and started revving his engine. "Race?" he shouted.
"White, now fuck off you black cunt" I replied

[dodgydog]

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared his own faeces on the walls.


After that, we never played monopoly with him again.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[dodgydog]

My wife called me at work, and said she couldn't find her glasses. I told her to use her contacts.

She called me back two hours later, and said she'd called everyone on her phone, and they didn't know where her glasses were either.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[andys675]

the palace have denied that prince andrew had sex with the american woman who has accused him

as a goodwill gesture they've offered her a holiday in paris with a chauffeur driven mercedes
____________________
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.

[sniff6]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"



Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again...
____________________
'Great Britain' Love it https://img43.imageshack.us/img43/3967/67004290.gif or Leave it

[dodgydog]

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need some time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard,"

I said.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[chickenstrip]

French armed police have two Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists surrounded with massive firepower in Paris. The chief of police has offered to surrender to the terrorists.
____________________
Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[andym]

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road, so he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the call. "Did you read him his last rites?" Smirks the sergeant.

"No." replies the priest. "I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

[The Artist]

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats it's boy ant.

And if it dies it is the pink panther.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

[dodgydog]

I'll always remember scoring the winning run in the local Parkinsons disease charity cricket match.

It was hand shakes all round afterwards.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[RedPanda]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she yes, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off his lounger, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the lounger.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I represented Great Britain in the Olympics as a diver. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her lounger and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.
____________________
CBF125 (2013) -> CBR600F (2001) -> 'Ninja' 300 (2014)

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Tomorrow, it will be seven years
since Jeremy Beadle died. We're
going to commemorate the date
with a small finger buffet.
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[dodgydog]

There's a gang of thieves working their way through clothes shops in our town, they're stealing clothes in size order.

The police believe they are still at large.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Please be aware. I just got this from a friend in Cyprus, but it could happen anywhere......

"Back in November, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Papantonio's, Kloraka. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to you as you are packing your purchases into the back of your car. They both have battery powered car vacuums and start vacuuming the inside of your vehicle, cleaning the inside of your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their blouses.
It is impossible not to look at them. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to Kissonerga. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, breasts everywhere, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th, the 24th and 29th. Also on January 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful."
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[dodgydog]

I've decided that when I die, I want my remains to be scattered around Alton Towers.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[dodgydog]

I saw a sign in the local newsagents window, it said "TV for sale, almost new, £1, volume stuck on full".

I thought.....well I can't turn that down.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[dodgydog]

So Jordan has just executed that female suicide bomber.

Personally I think these celebrity big brother challenges are getting too extreme.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[Skudd]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Dyslexia cost me my job in IT.

Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his files.
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[dodgydog]

The inventor of the disappointing punchline has died.

His funeral is on Monday.
____________________
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[chickenstrip]

Five ways of how to tell if someone is lazy:

1.
____________________
Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[Going]