The Ramble...

[Steve H]

Shamelessly Cut 'n Pasted from the Diary Page on my Website but thought it might make a bit of interesting reading as it's a bit more unusual than the 'I took the dogs for a walk at the weekend' type story - then again it might just bore you to tears...

‘It’s impossible to get lost in England anymore…’ Steve H, 03/03/2007, 4.58pm

‘Excuse me can you tell me where we are?’ Steve H, 03/03/2007, 6.44pm

‘2 miles from your required destination and heading in the wrong direction’ Owner of Farm House, Stanborough Lane, Gloucestershire, 03/03/2007 6.45pm

Local knowledge means absolutely bugger all when you’ve been walking for six and a half hours, you’ve just latched and unlatched the 82nd gate of the day and the moon’s casting an eerie glow across the rolling fields in front of you.

How did we get to the point where I took it upon myself to swallow my pride, knock on the door of a farm in the middle of nowhere and ask for our current whereabouts?

I expect to be asking myself that question for years to come however for the benefit of the few that read this site (and for prosperity’s sake) I’ll do my best to explain the days events.

It all started off so well, we’d gone to meet Michelle (or ‘Shellbab’ to give her her new Glawster colloquial name), Chip and Lucy (Shell's Springer Spaniel) who’d popped down from Surrey for a weekend at a cottage in the peaceful Cotswold village of Naunton

The plan was to take the dogs for a walk to tire them out during the day and then retire for an evening meal at the Black Horse Inn back at the Village where a table was booked for 7.30 pm.

After a brief search of the Internet I decided on the aptly named Black Horse Walk as although we weren’t starting in Bourton it didn’t matter as the Black Horse Inn was en route and it looked like a nice way to tire the dogs out whilst experiencing the scenic hills and secluded countryside that the Cotswolds has to offer.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/blackhorse.jpg

After a hearty breakfast comprising Drippers and... erm... that's it. We set off at Midday expecting to return at approximately 4.30ish refreshed and ready for Final Score, a glass of Châteauneuf du Pape (7 quid at Tesco's at the moment - fill your boots) and our Evening Meal.

The first photo of the day was taken and it was comically suggested that we ponder over the map and its' contents - we weren't to know that this would be a piece of prophetic posturing that would come back not just to bite us in the backside but to take great big chunks from both butt cheeks, tenderise them with a jack hammer, oven cook them until golden brown and serve them up in a kebab with chilli sauce and a bit of salad for a gaggle of drunken cannibals to consume...

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2100a.jpg

After a bit of discussion where no-one was willing to assume the mantle of Official Map Reader Len decided to take the helm and we began walking, passing an elderly couple who Len shocked as she immediately set the tone of the day by requesting that the Gentleman chuck her in a bath and give her a good scrub down - despite her protestations that she actually meant our Dogs he seemed more than willing to get his hands dirty but she declined his offer although it appeared that his wife was more than a willing (if a little less able bodied) volunteer.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2106a.jpg

Following an hour and a half of walking where we'd already got lost once we were beginning to think that the Map might not be all it was cracked up to be. The phrase 'NOT TO SCALE' that appeared boldly on the page was probably the clearest clue that it was a surefire case of the blind leading the blind and as it transpired it was probably one of the most plainly obvious statements made since the Captain of the Titanic said 'That Iceberg just glanced off our bow'.

Two hours in and we came across some Horsey type ladies who bore the Horsey Hatrick of Jodphurs, Moustaches and Wax Jackets - I showed them the Map and their comments were a little disturbing to say the least the phrases 'Faaarkin Miles', 'Not to Scale', and 'Allow three days for Completion' were banded around but thankfully they got us back on track but not before we realised that the day had the potential to go completely tits up if we weren't careful.

After passing a couple of blokes in a 4x4 in the middle of nowhere (the general consensus was that they were up to no good but in a posh way) we came across our first fellow walkers of the day wearing the complete stock of Army and Navy Stores plus whatever they had in their rucksacks - as we were sporting a collection of coats, hats and a piece of paper that, although we were still calling it 'The Map' might as well have been in braille, I was beginning to feel rather underprepared. Unfortunately it was then that the Map lulled us into a false sense of security as we miraculously came across a road AND landmark that featured on it.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2115a.jpg

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2119a.jpg

Like the Jedi in Episode III of Star Wars we had discovered a New Hope and decided that the bloody thing could be trusted again.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2120a.jpg

Back on track we followed paths, gates, through sodden mud soaked fields and finally arrived at Lower Slaughter where we pleaded with the owner of a Museum to let us in for a warm coffee and piece of cake.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2125a.jpg

We were asked to clean our shoes although thankfully he pretended to not notice the trail of mud that we were treading throughout his small Museum despite our efforts with the provided brush. The owner showed us through the tradesmans entrance and we sat down and were served some welcome refreshments - by this time we'd been walking for approximately three hours and weren't even half way.

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2122a.jpg

We'd passed a group of Ramblers one of whom was sporting a green velour tracksuit the waistband of which was 'pulled up to her baps' to quote Len - we all agreed that this was an accurate asessment. What we weren't to know however was that we'd see this lady (on we assumed her 2nd lap) on the route that we were doing which would prompt the questions 'Where are we going wrong?' and 'Can you get matching crampons to go with the velour when the going gets tough?'

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/DSCN2121a.jpg

As the hours ticked by our hopes were raised when we saw a sign indicating that Naunton was only 4 miles away - that's when things started to wrong. Buoyed by the sign Len upped the pace and as we passed Green Velour woman for a second time the optimism that we were homeward bound increased our moral which prompted a tribute to the Ramblers in the form of a bit of Gangstas Paradise Hip Hop...

'They been spending most their lives living in the Ramblers Paradise' sung (as Chip mentioned) by Cagoolio (sic)

At one point in these last couple of hours we were probably only approximately half a mile from our destination but as the dark began to infiltrate the blue sky and the map became less visible we must've taken wrong turn after wrong turn through the fields and thankfully as the moon rose above us we spotted a road in the distance that we walked to and then the Farm containing the people that were to be our saviours!

After being told that we were heading in the wrong direction and we were a couple of miles away from Naunton we sat on the ladies drive and she attempted to put on her kindest voice possible suggesting that we weren’t that far away really (we were!) and that we’d done pretty well with the map that we were using (we hadn’t!).

She served us some drinks and called her husband who was out picking up a take away curry (Christ knows where from as civilisation was hardly just a stones throw away) and he agreed to take us back to our Cottage.

Ali and his wife (I’m afraid due to my dehydration, stupidity and weariness I can’t remember her name) were fantastic and had the four of us and two muddy wet dogs in their car and back to Naunton within 10 minutes – we couldn’t express our gratitude in any form other than verbal although both Bab’s (Len and Michelle) said that they’d be more than willing to give Ali a bit of physical access as he was a bit of a hotty.

We eventually arrived home at 7pm after being out for exactly 7 hours and walking approximately 14 miles – next time I’ll stay at home and take the dogs out on a treadmill.

The Route - The RED square indicates our start point, the GREEN square indicates our finish...

https://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/steveqpr/map1.jpg
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Mellow Yellow
The BCF Top TEN - 2010, 2009, 2008, The Original.

[Welshd1k]

aint u supose to wear red socks? lol
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[Mr.Everready]

Wow, lots of words there m8, I think I'll leave it until tomorrow if you don't mind.
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[Mister James]

Silly boy, take a Geepers next time!
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>Soultrader Mister James, I bet you are a copper
>Bazza Wow. Eyes like a shithouse rat, you...

[Luke_Retrofly]

pfft where were the off roaders
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Fuck you bitch I'm in the top 10 list I can do the what the fuck I want!