Sibling problems

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

Bit long sorry i need advice.

I dont know what way to put this without sounding angry with my brother but i am stuck in a rut Crying or Very sad

When my parents got a new house i got their old one and my brother said he would pay his way because he didnt want to go with my parents. He is 29 years old and we think has alot of mental issues. But no doctor will listen.

Anyway he lost his job in January for being a cheeky git and every since then he is still unemployed and pays his rent out of his JS allowence.

He dosnt pay electricity,tv licence,food or anything else! I have asked him for money every week myself and my partner are finding it hard with the bills now as we are paying his half. He wont put his hand in his pocket for even food for himself he has always been tight arsed.

He gave me a total of £1 for shopping since January and nothing for bills, I am pissed of as he is helping himself to our food now, he can afford food as he seems to afford diesel in his car to go out with his mates and go clubbing and sleep all day. We have had several words with him about getting a job and he keeps bull shitting us and turning it round and starting to cry and making us guilty. He done this on my parents also he lived rent free until last year when my dad made him pay and he only paid twice to.

He hasnt even paid for his car and is travelling round with no tax,insurance etc. I wouldnt even do that! he has no morals at all and will act immature his friends are in their teens and chavs.

Every time i pick a job for him he dosnt bother with it, i know he is lying when he says he phoned them as i am in the spare room on the computer below him and i can hear when he is on the phone and there is no noise. He also uses my phone and dosnt pay.

My boyfriend is at his wits end as he works hard for his money and has to pay for the free loader. I know some of you will say have some sympathy he must have problems i dont feel that way because he is fit to go out clubbing and scrounge of all his mates and my parents he is not doing it on me!

I have threatned to kick him out but he just runs out the door and looks for a job and dosnt listen, i dont think he is taking me seriously!

It annoys me when i see him munching away on my food that i paid for and not even asking when he gives me nothing! i think thats cheeky! and stays in his room using every electrical thing he has all day also.

Am i being unreasonable? he is 29 and should grow up but i cant get through to him! You have to walk on egg shells as he is an expert on emotional blackmail. Theres alot more to this story but this post is long enough.
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Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

..... · Quote Me Happy Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Karma :

Chuck all his stuff outside when he is out clubbing and change the locks.

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

..... · Quote Me Happy Joined: 15 Jan 2005 Karma :

There comes a point when you have done all you can. Chuck him out - I'm sure he'll find a mate's sofa to doss on for a bit. Then the reality might sink in a bit.

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

iooi · Super Spammer Joined: 14 Jan 2007 Karma :

If your parents have said enough is enough, then its time for you to do the same. Give him a last warning that if he does not start paying his way then he is out of the house and you are washing your hands of him.

At 29 it is time he was standing on his own 2 feet anyway, not still living with sis.
If he can afford top go out clubbing then he can afford to pay you. As to the car you could always report it, he might not find being arrested so cool after a few hours in cells and losing the car.... Or just simply take the keys and not let him have them back.
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Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

I have given him several last warnings and he seems to be doing something for about 4 days then he is back to his normal self. Its like he forgot about what happened a few days ago and carries on how he was.

He has epilepsy and has used it to black mail my parents, if he didnt get his own way he would take a fit and they would be sorry and gues what he sis! he jsut didnt take his meds so something would happens and he would end up in hospital with parents feeling sorry for him and him rubbing in giult.

He also dosnt shower and smells bad or ever brushes his teeth. As still has the same tube of tooth paste since october and it was used twice.

He texts his ex telling her he will not take his meds and stand on the rocks on the beach and take a fit and kill himself. He is attention seeking! He yaps if he dosnt get a gold spoon in his mouth and makes me feel bad when i dont feed him.

I am getting angry typing this and think this may wind me up to say something as he is in the kitchen again making my food and eating it! Twisted Evil

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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

pwntifex · World Chat Champion Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Karma :

Just chuck him out, he's taking the piss out of you.
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the warped one: This is a follow up from the thread 'my willy hurts'

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

Itchy · Super Spammer Joined: 07 Apr 2005 Karma :

Tough love ie the boot, my sister has changed a helluva lot since I stopped being her safety net, about 18 months
ago I refused to help pay her bills, it was costing me my career and life stepping in to help on a regular basis,

I'd always previously given in , this time nope , chucked away my old sim card got a new number 18 months on
she has since made moves to get a career , has forced the bum BF to get a job (its only part time but better
than nowt) , and has turned around completely.
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TheShaggyDA · Repost Police Joined: 14 Jun 2004 Karma :

Give him a rolling deadline. Set a date, and an amount you would consider fair. If he fails to pay up by that time, then change the locks and give him a week to collect his stuff. Have it ready in bin bags. If the week passes, throw his stuff out or donate it to charity.

If he does pay up, set another date in a fortnight's time, with the same criteria. Keep this rolling until he finds a job. When he finds a job, give him a month to get out, same criteria. In the meantime, move your fridge and food to your bedroom and put a lock on the door.

Get a set of locks ready, be prepared for late night showdowns on the lawn. Be prepared for some broken windows and kicked in doors.

Reclaim your life. Anything less, and you're just being a carpet - and he knows it.
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thegubner · World Chat Champion Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Karma :

Put locks on the fridge and cupboards, password on the telly (if you have sky/ntl) put a password on the computer, dont do his washing (if you do). Tell him to sort his life out, pay for someone to cut all electrics in his room. Then he will get jack shit from you except a place to put his head down. Its shit but you don't sound like you want to kick him out on the street, which is your only other option, unless he REALLY wants to get arrested, in which case give yourself a black eye and call the cozzers round your gaff.

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

I tried the deadline and that didnt work gave him a week a while ago and that went by and nothing happened. He has tv etc in his room we are thinking of cutting of the electric up there through trip switches but and taking the plugs of everything but he wont let that happen i know that.

He dosnt even wash his cloths hense the BO smell everyone comments on when he is walking past. He cant look after himself, he has only started making himself his own food as i stopped feeding him dinners (still eats my food though) He even prentends he didnt relise it was not gluten free food (my special food) and carries on eating it anyway and my food is exspensive.

I think i will let other half take over and kick him out and stop messing about and protecting him.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

ZRX61 · Victor Meldrew Joined: 05 Nov 2003 Karma :

techierob · Traffic Copper Joined: 05 Oct 2006 Karma :

as much as I'd like to give a simple one-line answer to this question, I don't think there is one Sad

From your description, you're definitely in the right. If your parents are available to moderate the disagreement, then it's already well past the stage where they should have intervened.
The best advice I can give is to not involve the police. Just set an ultimatum and kick him out if needs be. Nobody's better qualified than yourself and your family to decide how he should be treated. If you feel he's taking liberties, then he's taking liberties and you need to react as your conscience lets you.
You've a duty to help your brother, but only so far as he's prepared to help himself. If he willingly becomes a liability, then it's your duty to cut him off.

ZRX61 · Victor Meldrew Joined: 05 Nov 2003 Karma :

Am I imagining things .... or was there anothter thread EXACTLY like this one last month?? Confused

thegubner · World Chat Champion Joined: 25 Mar 2007 Karma :

bish777 · World Chat Champion Joined: 11 Nov 2004 Karma :

Turf him out.

He'll only grow up when hes starving and shivering his arse off on the streets.

You are hurting him by letting him live on easy street.
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Kwaks · I'm not a fast rider Joined: 28 Jan 2006 Karma :

Give him a list of jobs to do everyday, to get him back into the work ethic, padlock the fridge and cupboards (or if you can do without the freezer/fridge for a while remove the master fuse when out). Explain to him if he doesnt buck up he will be thrown out, and no guilt trips from him or you will sell and move somewhere with no room for him. Take the car keys and hide them, until he shows he is sensible enough to drive, side note,when was his last seizure? Is his licence still valid?
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Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

CortezTheKill... · Could Be A Chat Bot Joined: 19 Sep 2006 Karma :

It sounds to me like he has a serious issue that he's not revealing to anyone and it is manifesting itself as anger and isolation from the people around him who care for him.

As other people have said, tough love is the answer, but I recommend that you do it yourself rather than letting your partner do it otherwise he will resent you for a long time to come.

You are his sister, your partner is unrelated to him. You need to have a long talk with him and tell him honestly how you feel. If he doesn't or won't understand, you will have no choice but to ask him to leave.

Good luck.
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Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

I think its gone past the point of talking to him and trying to help because it dosnt happen or set in. I said to him last week when he was munching away on things my Bf got for his lunch in work and he simply took it thick and threw what he was eating down. He has never bought a meal in his life! he near burned down the house last week when he was trying to cook himself my food and i had to tell him to go away and do it for him. He thinks he is worthless and stupid and does feel sorry for himself and no matter what you cant tell him differant my mum has papmered him all his life. I was out the door at 17 snd had my own place and before that i was still looking after my brother when my parents worked. Its still the same now. Wen he had a GF she was runnig after him like a mum to. He needs someone to look after him as he cant do it himself. He dosnt even wash.

Some may think me evil for being harsh because he has issues but he wont help himself and i hate self pitying people, if somethings not right do it right. And i intend to change this but know he will take it the wrong way.

I cooked him a cake for his birthday this year as i was broke from him. He looked at it and said there was no icing and disgarded it like dirt. Was not grateful one bit was annoyed he didnt get treated like a 9 year old kid amd get gifts and money by all. And went and told my mother i was bullying him cause i asked him for money for bills.

He is not all there he cant be! his way of thinking is warped.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

st3v3 · Super Spammer Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Karma :

Locks on the doors won't do anything, he will make a mess trying to tear them off, hiding car keys the same. Use his keys, get the battery off his car, throw it away then tell him the keys will not be returned until the car is legit, or sold. Find a few Job ads you think would be suitable and tell him he has 1 month to get a job sorted, if by a fortnight he shows no signs of interest in this, pack his clothes up, and tell him you WILL throw him out unless he changes NOW and the locks will be changed. if you defect from ANY of this, you are showing weakness and he will not forget that you simply don't have it in you to force him through this(I'm not saying you don't, he will perceive this) and when he finally get's on his feet, everyone will see you were right and those that don't, aren't worth bothering with Imo.

His way of thinking isn't warped, just that if does 'the dirty' you will all come to his rescue and play happy little servants.

As said, if you show your OH that your not prepared to lose him over this, it might be the incentive needed to keep you together.

I have seen friends go through similar, I'm not being harsh, but you've got to be cruel to be kind.

It will be tough, but if you hang in there you should reap the reward. Karma

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Dragonfly · Super Spammer Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Karma :

He thinks as long as he pays his rent he is ok. So i wont go because of that. I feel so bloody alone and the only one who has to tell him this as he listens to know one. Not even me. He will listen to my other half because he is scared of him but even then spouts bull shit and returns back to normal.

I will give it ago as he is at my stuff again, just have to get up the courage.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.