Traffic nobbers again. Rant alert - and post your putdowns.

[UnknownStuntm...]

So I've been for a ride, about 120 miles. Come back into town and there are roadworks causing a long jam. It's obvious to me it's controlled by lights, cos there's long gaps between batches of cars coming the other way. So I'm making a little progress, not being greedy - a couple of cars at a time and pulling in behind when cars are coming the other way - no problem. Then one pillock - on the phone - decides to upset me. I've waited for a few seconds behind him, and a large gap opens up a few cars in front, so I pull out. He sees this and immediately turns his wheel and pops the front of his car well across the line. Now, I'm not going quick enough for it to cause me a pile of bother, and I stop level with him.

Me: Beeeeeeeeep.......
Him: What do you think you're doing?
Me: Look down rubberhead, that's a broken white line.
Him: You can't overtake.
Me: You were on the phone a moment ago, who the fcuk do you think you're giving traffic instruction to?
Him: Wanker.
Me: I love you. Mwah x (and a little kiss, onto my hand then on the top of his car)

And off I go. Except about 200 metres up the road some coffin dodging dummy starts flashing me and waving while coming towards me. Oh, and veers straight at me. So I pull back in behind another car (still plenty of room) and when he comes level with me stops his car and starts yelling "Get back over the white line!!"

Me: It's a *broken* white line, look it up pops.
Him: You bikers, you're all the same.
Me: On bikes? Yeah. But I'm not breaking any laws.

(Loud beep from car behind him)

Me: On your way now, you're causing an obstruction...
Him: I know where you live.

'I know where you live'?? An old man knows where I live?!! Anyone seen Family Guy and find that a little bit... Odd? ..... Does he? My, that would not be funny.

Anyhoo, I thought I'd kick off with a jaunty little tale - please post your one line putdowns so we can commit some to memory for when the occasion arises again.

[Itchy]

you don't live in Manchester do you?,

Ever since the divide and conquer tactics they are using ie motorbikes are to be exempt EVERYBODY has been trying to kill me on the roads , that is more so than usual, last week every single day people followed me exceptionally close to my rear tyre etc etc...


I sometimes think, because we are percieved already in such a negative light and that they will lie and only tell THEIR side of the story you should kick each car that does this, I've not booted a car for ages mind
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Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

[Tristan.]

I don't tend to bother shouting at people, though there was a ride a few weeks ago, when I twice, completely involuntarily shouted out at people, in a ridiculously strong Yorkshire accent

In Plymouth, theres a bit where theres a bus lane, that has a traffic lane merge into it from the left, bus lane has prioroty, I was in it (legal in Plym) and this newish purple beemer comes cteaming up the traffic lane, as they merge and moves straight into where I was, forcing me onto the right hand side.

Without thinking I turn to his open window, which is level, and shout "d'you wanna lose a fooking wing mirrer" followed by a backfire, and a high speed fucking off, cos there was oncoming traffic.

Later, coming off a roundabout, big multi lane one, I notice one of those horrible chrystler things change lanes a bit erratically, and note not to get to close, as I turn off at my exit, he's in the lane to the right of me, as I come off, he slams the brakes on, so I'm level with him, and yanks it straight into my lane with no indicators, I throw the bike to the left and get into the left hand lane, with the briefest of shoulder checks, fuck knows what would of happened if there was someone in that lane, my own fault for drawing level with the cunt though.

Anyway, I'm level with him on my right, and completely involuntarially, I yell "'ave you gorra fooking driving liscence... or fooking indicators" across his cowering wife he gives me the finger, and his wife slaps his hand, and I filter off.

[yen_powell]

Overheard from my hospital bed on a stroke ward.

Nurse to old blind patient who can't walk: what are you doing?

Patient: I'm rolling a fag, I thought it was me that couldn't see.

Nurse: Smoking is not allowed.

Patient: I'm not smoking though am I!

Nurse: You've still got a cigarette in your hands so you're obviously going to smoke!

Patient: I've got slippers under my bed too, doesn't mean I'm going to leap up and have a walk does it.
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Blackmail is a nasty word........but not as nasty as phlegm!
XT1200Z and a DR350 in bits

[B_A_B]

[tutton]

Hes from somerset ha.
and have to lol at some of the people and their attitudes to bikers these days.

i was up on colley lane tother day comin up to the lights and i started filtering down the middle to get to the front, when 3 cars all push out so i cant filter, i go on the inside with the wanker sign then they pull back in tight, they wernt happy that id outwitted em
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Past: '05 Peugeot XPS '99 Aprillia RS125 '94 FZR600R
Current: '02 ZX636 A1P '51 CCM R30

[UnknownStuntm...]

[Alex-RS]

[Alex A]

I doubt I'm alone here, and without trying to tempt fate...

I must ride on average 200 miles a week, filtering and passing slow/stationary traffic whenever possible (almost always). Putting aside typical poor observation and manouvering of many car drivers (which can of course be deadly, but you have to be prepared for that). In two years I've never experienced (or should I say, noticed) deliberate obstruction or intentionally dangerous behavour from car drivers as described here.

Perhaps I'm past them just too quickly, who knows

Love some of the put downs though, will bare them in mind should I ever have to confront some prat.
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Current: Ducati Panigale R / Ducati Streetfighter S / Suzuki GSX-R1000 L5

[Ben.]

its so bad in london, ive had so many people block me in, surely it must annoy them a big red r6 revvin (stubied can), backfireing, beeping the horn, must annoy them no?i would just do a massive smokey burnout infront of them if tyres wernt so expensive...

never ever follow anyone you know through london filtering, i've seen a few people swerve at my dad as he filters past people, seen so many people nearley kill him.
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Race bike - R6
Road bike - sv650

[floydant]

[Moonie]

I was coming into town a few weeks ago and saw a guy who used to go to my school in his chavved up MG25 hot hatch thing. I've filtered to the point where I'm behind him, and he keeps braking so there is a gap between him and the car in front and then flooring it 15ft to the back of the car in front again. We get to some lights and I'm alongside him waiting to turn, he's revving and staring me out, and I'm just sort of calmly sitting there. So when we turn left he hooks out accross me and I turn in just behind him. He is still revving and making the sump valve go PSSSHHHCCCCC when I pull up next to him, pull up my visor, flick him the v's and ride off down the side of 200m of stationary traffic doing a queen style wave
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Don't practice it until you get it right, practice it until you don't get it wrong.
Presenting the one and only Chinkmobile

[pa_broon74]

Edinburgh currently is awash with road works, its a bit of a joke at the moment. Yesterday moving along a 40mph limit dual carriageway with a cross hatched central reservation. Road works on the roundabout at the end so the two lanes filter into one.

When its busy everyone always goes into the right hand lane far to early, you have about half a mile of free space on the inside lane. I always scoot up there, being pretty carefull because there are turns offs and cars do leave gaps for people turning off the opposite lane.

So I have a mercedes driver doing the right thing making full use of the road, he gets stuck behind a lorry that has decided to straddle both lanes (I think to stop folk going up the inside, which is pretty stupid really, its still part of the road and should be used.) We all sit like that moving in fits and bursts, I get into the other lane and pass the stupid lorry on the right not even having to move in to the central reservation. I slowed to pass his cab, stand up on my pegs and yell "pick a fucking lane" into the open window.

Normally I don't, but he was just being a cock.


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Didn't catch anything.

[floydant]

lane straddlers are incredibly annoying. It's either spite or dimwittery

[Tavares]

good on you.

i don't understand why people have to be ar**s!
they're not getting anywhere so why get in the way of bikes who can move along

same thing goes for people who won't move in to make it easier for bikes to pass, its not hard, doesn't cost anything! bit of common sense goes along way.

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2006 Eurostrada RX8 125(sold)>2004 Kawasaki ER-5(sold)>2002 Honda CB600F Hornet

[floydant]

[TheDonUK]

The other day i was riding over to pick my girlfriend up from her cousins house near hammersmith (london), Was riding down a two way residential style road, i was out far enough to be out of the reach of parked car's doors but still plainly on my side of the road,

Had a car approaching seemingly in his lane, pleanty of room for us both to pass, when he swerves at me, He was far enough away that i had time to tuck right in against the cars, but there was no reason for him to do so other than to intimidate me, as he passed he was laughing at me like a cheshire cat. For what its worth it turned out to be a somali mini cab driver.

I just as he passed i thought about it and just decided fuck that i wasent having that, and embraced the red mist, A quick u-turn followed and i caught up with him within seconds. Revving the bollox out of my engine, literally screaming and pointing for him to "PULL OVER NOW YOU FUCKING CUNT" etc, i mean this was no time for witty retorts or a point at the eyes/ shake of the head, i was completly engulfed by the red mist at this point,

My intention was to take his wing mirror off or have it out by the side of the road, but his driving became increasingly erratic, he would have swerved at me again i was sure, and by this point he was brake testing me. So i carried following him for about 4-5 mins and i think he realised that i wasent messing around, he started to try and put his hand up in apology, all the time randomly slamming the brakes on trying to make me rear-end him.

I managed to get him to stop, in the middle of the road, pulled up to his drivers door and absolutely vented my anger for the year at this guy, im pretty sure i lowered myself to death threats, whatever i was saying he was all of a sudden very apologetic and the smile had been wiped off his face. As my venting had run its course i just started at him for 10 secs or so mentally deciding what to do next, drag him out the car, take the wing mirror off or just leave it at that, i decided on the latter and screamed off down the road.

I know i should have avoided the red mist and just left it and carried on my way, but i knew it was one of those things that would niggle at me for the next few days, seeing his grinning face as he swerved at me. Once i had left him by the road i was nice and calm within about 5 mins and i had'ent given it any thought untill i read this thread.

I think some drivers need to be reminded that they are not invulnerable in their cages, im not yet mature enough to let blatant attempts at my life for someone elses amusement go without a word or two at the least.

[TechJinx]

a little anger release is good for the circulation
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bikes: SV650S K5 that is making me do this 57 CBR125 RW-7 - sold ; 54 CBR125 - anyone wanna buy a project?

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

[floydant]

[dew]

Well, thkfully i hvn't met many of those, not yet to anger me! And i commute 70 miles every day since last 1.5 yrs on M25.. Normally they move a lot as if am on a trike (give so much of space). I travel peak time and dont mind if they are on phone or watever, simple revving helps them cm to sense and move out wide.
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Theory: 34/35, 64/75 Test: 23-Oct-06 PASSED (No minors)
Current: Ninja ZX- 6R Future: ???

[Finglonga]

[Fahd]

[Biker101]

Only shouted at someone while on the bike, some old geezer pulled out infront of me, the road i was coming on is usually dead so people dont tend to look properly, anyway i braked and didn't hit him but there's a junction immediately after where he turned from so i pulled up along side him, told him to fookin look before pullin out then stopped yellin as i saw him shaking and apologizing.

I regret not shouting at another woman who nearly took me out but it was outside a school (obviously, thats where the worst women drivers hang out).

I have 'made my point' to a woman while i was driving. At the bottom of my road a lot of mums wait for their kids as the school bus stops there. Now they all park on the left side of the road so dont cause a obstruction which is not what everyone who lives here wants (permits FTW) but its a good compromise and is done by them as more of a common sense thing. BUT one woman was parked on the other side in a huge banger espace, i couldn't see cars coming down the road, there was only one tiny gap for cars to pass and it was just so her kids didn't have to walk another 50 yards up the road. I politely but loudly and a bit more swearidly told her it was a private housing estate and its bad enough you lot park here in your huge cars that you are unable to drive, i informed her that we pay a hell of a lot to live here and just babbled on at her then told her to park on the other side in future.

Got home, told my neighbor and pointed out the car, he told me she lived less than 1/2 a mile away, do her kids not have legs?

Safe to say i haven't seen her since, she fears the blue clio
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Past: 06 Runner SP50 >>> 01 Varadero XL125 >>> 08 Kwak ER-6f >>> 05 CBR600rr
Present: 99 FZS600 Fazer

[ZaphodBeeble]

When cagers get angry at me for things they perceive as 'illegal' or 'dangerous' and decide to gesticulate and flash their headlights I just stick my thumb up and wave as if I think they are someone I know. Seems to make them angry.

If someone has pulled out on me I tend to just pull up alongside and ask them, in a raised voice, if they are blind while pointing at my eye. Most people just seem to look at you as if you have two heads.
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Current bike: VTR1000F Firestorm. Previous: Firestorm (written off) - XJ600 Divvy - NSR125 - DT125 and a load of offroaders.

[neatbik]

The only time ive had someone try to block me was on the m5 on saturday. The traffic was at a standstill, so there i was fliltering at about 10 mph, nice and slowly. Up ahead i spot a Ferrari 430, for some reason i was half expecting the dimwit do to something, and he did! Without warning just as i got level with the back of the car he pulled out in an attempt to block me.
I pulled up really close to his door and lifted up my visor, leaning in to talk to him. At that point he put the car in reverse and moved out of the way.
And the funniest thing was he a fat middle aged bald bloke with a medallion