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Graham88
World Chat Champion



Joined: 03 May 2006
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PostPosted: 00:49 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Your first time... Reply with quote
It's a long read but believe me it's worth it!

Quote:
When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my !%*% to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her %*% (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ***.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL !%*%, all over her parents comforter.


No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest !%*% and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in sh** and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my %*% a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my %*% had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my sh** with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest sh*t of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a !%*% and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SH**T!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I sh*t on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.


I bloody love how much passion it was written with and the way it's written, makes it even funner Laughing Laughing
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Fawbish
World Chat Champion



Joined: 27 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: 06:30 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
So eloquently delivered.


I thought it was just going to be an accident, not a finger induced one Laughing
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Hetzer
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Joined: 19 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: 06:41 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Holy god! I thought my experience was bad (stuck a finger up a girl's ass, came out with sh!t on it).

At least he had the comfort (very very small comfort) of it kind of being her fault. Sort ot. A bit. Laughing
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jack_zxr400
World Chat Champion



Joined: 15 Jul 2008
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PostPosted: 06:43 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
long but TOTALLY worth it!! Laughing Laughing Thumbs Up
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Dragonfly
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Joined: 05 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: 07:06 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
OMG Laughing Laughing

hetz what did you expect was up there when you stuck your finger there??? Laughing
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Hetzer
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Joined: 19 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: 07:28 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
dragonfly wrote:
OMG Laughing Laughing

hetz what did you expect was up there when you stuck your finger there??? Laughing


I wasn't really thinking about it, I was lost in the moment. Embarassed
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JakeyR
World Chat Champion



Joined: 25 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: 08:45 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
My ex tried breaking my seal, i nearly punched her i was that angry that she thought i'd enjoy her finger up my arse.

Her excuse was "well you've been using mine all night" which was quite true... Laughing
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The Shaggy D.A.
Super Spammer



Joined: 12 Sep 2008
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PostPosted: 09:00 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
JakeSM50 wrote:
My ex tried breaking my seal, i nearly punched her i was that angry that she thought i'd enjoy her finger up my arse.


Get a tan Smile
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Cigaro
World Chat Champion



Joined: 28 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 09:22 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Am I the only bloke here who enjoys a little finger-up-the-arse action when getting head?

Ex used to use this minty lube that she got from anne summers. Proper odd feeling it was.
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Faldo
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Joined: 05 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: 09:24 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Embarassed

That bought a smile to my miserable face today ! Laughing

Where the hell did you find that ?
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DEN MONKEY
World Chat Champion



Joined: 17 May 2005
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PostPosted: 09:37 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
TheBassJunky wrote:
Am I the only bloke here who enjoys a little finger-up-the-arse action when getting head?


Had a few try but never been into it TBH.
Never liked em playing with my balls though either .....go figure Confused
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Bishbash
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Joined: 09 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: 10:14 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh jesus christ, how embarrassing, I feel sorry for him,

I'm so glad I am munching on my lunch whilst reading this, makes it taste so good.
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hellkat
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Joined: 12 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: 10:25 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Where's the "too much information" karma rating when you need it?

Mr. Green
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NinjaLee
Scooby Slapper



Joined: 21 Jan 2007
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PostPosted: 10:37 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Laughing awesome.

I love how he was calling it his baby Laughing
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GhostRider
World Chat Champion



Joined: 31 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: 11:03 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Class!!

If you like this then you will love reading anything from this guy:

https://www.tuckermax.com/

GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
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Oz.
Spanner Monkey



Joined: 21 Apr 2008
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PostPosted: 12:54 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Re: Your first time... Reply with quote
Awesome Story!

Graham88 wrote:
She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did.


I once gave one of my Ex GF a Dirty Sanchez during a passionate moment while taing her from behind. She was not best pleased but pleaded for me not to tell anyone.

3 months later we are in Ibiza at a mexican restaurant on a table with 8 of our friends when she just blurts it out! She tells everyone that I had once given her a dirty sanchez, fair to say all my mates couldn't stop laughing and the lads bought me drinks all night!

Thumbs Up Thumbs Up
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quacker_boy
Cuddle Bitch



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: 15:14 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
DEN MONKEY wrote:
Had a few try but never been into it TBH.
Never liked em playing with my balls though either .....go figure Confused


Hmmm. I've gone and figured. And I've come to the conclusion you don't like girls in general and you enjoy willies.
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GhostRider
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Joined: 31 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: 18:35 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hetzer wrote:
Holy god! I thought my experience was bad (stuck a finger up a girl's ass, came out with sh!t on it).

At least he had the comfort (very very small comfort) of it kind of being her fault. Sort ot. A bit. Laughing


Did you give your finger a sniff after though??

GhostRider
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
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blindside666
Renault 5 Driver



Joined: 30 Sep 2008
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PostPosted: 19:03 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
I was drifting asleep, considered a few posts for bedtime reading.

I am now very much awake... eye balls bulging out of my head...

I think... I'ma throw up... dear god.. what... I... Bu-.... oh fuck it.. Sick
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Cigaro
World Chat Champion



Joined: 28 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 19:12 - 22 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
LukeVFR wrote:
Laughing

Anal stuff makes me feel sick. Sick


I know someone's already posted the link to TuckerMax but here's the one in particular that reminds me of this:

https://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml
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Thesupersport... This post is not being displayed because the poster has bad karma. Unhide this post / all posts.

ms51ves3
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Joined: 07 Jun 2007
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PostPosted: 14:07 - 24 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Thesupersports wrote:
I actually feel sorry for the guy eith the condition, and that his girlfriend left him just becuase he shat all over her face.


If he 'shat' on your face would you stay with him?
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Thesupersport... This post is not being displayed because the poster has bad karma. Unhide this post / all posts.

The999Kid
World Chat Champion



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: 15:12 - 24 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh my god! I almost fell off my chair, i was laughing that much! I feel for the guy aswell... losing your virginity to a gf, who you then took a dump on! Gutted!
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quacker_boy
Cuddle Bitch



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: 16:22 - 24 Oct 2008    Post subject: Reply with quote
ms51ves3 wrote:
Thesupersports wrote:
I actually feel sorry for the guy eith the condition, and that his girlfriend left him just becuase he shat all over her face.


If he 'shat' on your face would you stay with him?


To be fair, I'd be worried if supersports was with a guy in the first place. Actually, I lied. I couldn't give a shit.
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wizzzard wrote: Imagine God just stopping by, tidying your front room up and then quietly letting himself out again. Statisticly more likely to happen than Korn being on here.
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 17 years, 66 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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