My brother is a paedophile (heavy).

[anonymous123]

I wrote this under my username, but was censoring myself too much. Please respect that *I* have done nothing wrong and that nothing I write is meant as a defense of what he's done.

Basically, I got a call at work today and learned that my brother has sexually attacked a young girl. I fucking hate him for this, I hate him so much right now I feel sick inside.

He had a long time gf (15 years) and a child. The gf has already left him after one court hearing (rightly so) and he's probably not ever going to see his child again (rightly, perhaps).

I am so... angry, pissed off, depressed right now. There was an minor incident when he was a young teenager and it was dealt with at court, lots of heartache, etc, but we all thought it was dead and buried. It was a "dirty family secret" and we thought we'd moved on. He'd grown up. He'd had a child. Had a fairly successful job life. Everything seemed rosy - and now for some reason, he's gone and blown it and is looking at 5-6 behind bars probably.

I mean, we gave him a second chance. He was a hotheaded teen so we thought, you've paid your dues, we won't keep punishing you for a fuck up you did during your middle school days. You know, you give family members the benefit of the doubt. And now nearly twenty years later he's done it again, but worse.

I don't know whether he was trying to rape her. I personally doubt it. But that's what it will look like to others.

I just can't get my head around this. It's like, everything was smooth - he had all sorts of plans for what he was going to do next year - and now in one stupid moment he's fucked it up for everyone.

See, he's really not a nasty person. I know you'll be thinking: pervert, string him up. And you're entitled to do so. But I can tell you, he really wasn't a nasty person, he was always willing to help, with any bike problem I had say..... He just hated himself and this was sorta of his way of feeling "big" - but when it came to it, he ran away. He didn't rape her. He ran away and handed himself in the next day.

Am I trying to make myself feel better? How the fuck do I deal with this? I love him. He's my brother. We had so many good times together as kids. Everyone has abandoned him and said they're never going to speak to him again. The police have said that they found lots of pills and he planned to kill himself. I just know (becuase he's my brother) that he's going to try to kill himself soon - and I really dont want him to, however much I hate what's he's done, but I can't do anything to stop him, I know he's hurting so much.

And he deserves everything he gets. I know that's what you're thinking. I don't disagree - but I can't, However much I want to, tell him to rot in jail. He's my brother. I love him. But I hate him. I want him to suffer for this. But I can't stop crying everytime I think of him right now in a police cell thinking up ways to kill himself...I don't want him to hurt himself. I want to help him but I can't do anything.


I have to deal with all the fallout when his name is in the paper soon.
I think it's disgraceful that peadophiles names should be published. Why should I, his gf, his children, my mum, everyone have to suffer becuase of his sickness - this is so going to fuck my life up so much, as I work youngsters. I'm going to have to quit my job, becuase I'm not going to be able to cope with accusations of being the "pedo " brother. I just can't cope with that. I've done nothing wrong! But I can't put up with all the stares etc that I'm bouind to get now in the next week when the case goes to court and the media makes known the details.
His girlfriend is having to move before the bricks start coming through the windows.
The child will never see her father again - and he loved her so much, I know he did .
My mother is basically blaming herself "what did I do wrong" but I keep telling her, fuck that, he made his choice, nothing to do with you.

And my father doesn't know.
My brother always looked up to my dad, always looked up to him, always seeked his approval, and now it's fallen to me to basically extringuish the last relationship my brother has by telling my dad that he's a sex offender. And after that, my dad will want nothing to do with my brother.

After that, mt brother will be totaly alone - with no one, everyone having turned their backs on him.

But I can't do that. Am I wrong? I want to punch him in the face until his nose is just a patch of blood... but I want to hold him too. I just wish he'd thought about what he did before he did it, becuase he has so totally fucked up so much. I just keep saying, why the fuck didnt he just go to see a hooker or something, why didn't he see a doctor, why didn't he do sometihng, anything, to deal with these urges - why did he have to fuck everything up for everyone?

I am the only one considering going to court. Everyone else has said "no way, screw him" but I just don't know id this is a good idea. I don't want to know the details but I want my brother to know that I willing to work with him to get over this. I want to suppotr him but I don't want to be seen to be supporting him (I'm simply going to say "cunt, cunt, cunt" if the media approach me as that way they won't put me on the news)

In one day, I've lost my brother to the prison system, I'm never going to see my lovely neice again becuase I know his gf will soon want a complete break, and I'm going to have to quit my career and wait for the dust to settle. Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking depressed. right now

I woke up today, everything was fine. Inm matter of hours, everything has gone shitty.

Should I go to court? I mea, what the hell do I do here?
(ps: if you think my brother should burn in hell, that's brilliant. But 99.9% of people will easily agree with you and you expressing your hatred for him is fairly pointless. I'm really not interested in what you think about him, as that's predicatable. Rather, I'd like some advice about what I should do because I feel totally lost right now)

[nick606]

thats fucked up personally i would delete this thread or topic and just try and sort it on your own. No one can make this decision for you just going to have to sort it out on your own. There no right answer

[D O G]

That is very heavy indeed.

The problem is partly the fact that sex offenders against children are so hyped up as the worst scum on earth by the media. Put a serial violent mugger of old frail people up against a guy who had touched up a 13 year old once in a 'popularity contenst' and the mugger would be treated as a saint in comparison.

So I think that there is a huge over hyping of child sex offenders versus the actual severity of their crime. Do not let that could your own judgement on what you should do.

Essentially your brother is mentally ill. Part of his brain/control mechanisms which work effectively in others just does not work in his case. Had he some useful professional help years ago, then this may not have come about, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Again, I would say this is due to the Ostrich approach of ignoring the problem rather than being open about it and taking the appropriate action.

What do you do? I would say that you don't have to quit your job, and that they cannot get rid of you because of something your brother has done. You have done nothing wrong, remember that.

If you want to support your brother then I say go for it, you know him better than any tabloid paper does, and he will need some support at this time. He's not a monster just because everyone else says he is, he is mentally ill and whilst he shoudl be punished for what he has done, he should also be given help. Shame the help is now too late.

[MaybeGuy]

[nick606]

[rotax81]

thats shit dude

listen. one of my best mates stupidly went with an under aged girl, he didnt exactly ask her age but she was under aged. when they went to court and saw her video evidence (too young to appear in court) she was dressed in her school uniform with pigtails ffs!! her parents really went to town on her to make her look younger.
he got 3 years but was out within 15 months. neither i or his family rejected him, we visited him regularly and kept him sane, he isnt a bad bloke and really appreciated it. he was made an example of because of his 'profile' position.
now he still see's his daughter but has to be with another adult, he cant talk to ANYONE under 16 other than the basics. i.e. if she works in a shop etc. he cannot go abroad for 2 years, he cannot visit me if my kids are here. the authoroties really go to town on them. he also has to report to a (cant remember their names) every wednesday evening.

if you need any info PM me if you dont want to talk on here

the papers will make a meal of it, exaggerating happenings etc, some believe it some dont.
i have been in the papers myself through a freak accident we had on holiday. all they printed was bullshit
dont just leave your job, hard as it is the word will get around so deal with it as/if it happens.

really feel for you though as my mate was just a mate but because i was associated with him i also felt guilty and sometimes embarrased myself
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[The Artist]

Seriously, I feel for you but this is not the best place to be asking for advice. I suggest you get rid of this post before morning.

As was said above, Deal with it in your own way.

[Dragonfly]

Whoever he is I dont think he was asking that much for advice I got the feeling it was to get his thoughts straight in his own head to make a decision . Things often become clearer after letting them all out even if its on a forum to strangers under an anonymous sign on. I hope that it did help to somewhat relieve the confusion.

Its is indeed heavy and I dont want to advice on a public forum myself. Would help if I knew the poster but I understand the anonimity.

[MarJay]

I don't think it matters that he's posted here. Its as good a place as any to ask. It has people he trusts and its anonymous, there's no comeback on it.

I think you have to be there for your brother, because he is your brother. Don't support him, don't condone what he's done, but be there for him. You aren't responsible for his actions, but as I said you're his brother and I don't think anyone would hold it against you for being there for him.

If anyone asks, just explain that you don't condone what he did, but he is your brother. If anyone needs more than that, then ask them if they have any siblings and how they would feel if they were in the same situation. I bet they couldn't answer.
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[Kal]

Thats a really bad day.

Don't start borrowing trouble though, you may not have to lose contact with your niece, you may not have to jack ion your job.

Honestly, it sounds like you have been pushed right to the edge yourself here. I suggest you see your doctor and ask him to refer you for counselling to give you the tools to put your head back together.

People may look at you strangley, but unless you want to move to the other end of the Country you just need to find the strength to front it out.

Your new mantra is: You have done nothing wrong.

Repeat it to yourself as often as you feel a need to, but at least a couple of times a day.

In time this will pass.
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[pyx_e]

He is your brother and always will be. You have to decide if you are going to stick with him, which will have a hell of a cost (shit thrown your way ect) or drop him which will have a hell of a cost (missing him, feeling you let him down ect).

Can't tell you what to do. I hope if I was in your situation I would have the strength to stick with him as much as possible. In a few years most of the shit will have passed and you will still have your brother. I am sick of families breaking up and never speaking again over small or in this instance not so small stuff.

Sadly he may do it again. Esp if he does not get some heavy therapy. I would also brace yourself for further disclosures that he may admit to or may be found out.

For me the sticking with him but would be dependent on his getting help. Men who have broken that barrier in themselves find it almost impossible to step back into "normality" whatever that is.
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[J0Al1]

Sounds like your bro needs his family more than ever.

Plus, dont jack your job in, rise above any comments. If anyone casts judgment on you for your brothers actions (which your not responsible for) they are being unreasonable.

Dont make the situation worse then it is, think rationally.

[mooserx]

i deal with various situations everyday in my line of work(prison officer), one of the hardest things i have found is watching families fall apart. the only advice i can offer up, as someone who deals with various different people, prisoners (some of whom have comitted atrocious crimes, some of whom are innocent) and the families involved, is to hang on in for your brother, if he gets sentenced to custody, then he will receive some of the best emotional and psychiatric help available (if he wants it).

so many times i have seen people who have been locked away from their loved ones slide downhill due to no contact with their families, it is sickening, if you feel that you have to stand by your brother then go ahead, if people think less of you for supporting him whilst he is going through something that no-one can understand then let them, in your heart of hearts you know what is right.

i don't mean to cause any offence with the comments written above but having seen first hand the way people and families of people who have comitted certain specific crimes have been treated both inside and outside of prison then i feel i am in a position to offer the best advice i can.

ultimately the choice is yours whether or not you stick by your brother, try not to be swayed by his crime or other people who don't want the stigma of being labelled as being associated with a "pedo", there is no reason for you to leave your job, move away from where you live or anything of that nature, it is not you who has done anything wrong.

the following is a link to an organisation which offers help and suport to people in a similar situation to yourself,

www.prisonersfamilieshelpline.org.uk

in all sincerity i wish you luck for the future and hope that you make the right decision for you and your own peace of mind.

mooserx
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[plugger147]

Personally I'd go to the court,listen to all the evidence as well as what's said when the jury is out and then decide what to do and tbh all the people who have said screw him should do the same, at least then they can make a proper decision and not just write him off as a perv.
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Tristan the wrote: just whipped off my trousers to find a big bruise on my arse, caused by matt rear ending me...

[anonymous123]

Thank you for your thoughts. It's been helpful.

I am going to try to see a doctor as soon as possible. I'm not sure about conselling, but I'll ask what's available. I had a lot going wrong in my life before this (just the usual: moneyu and women problems) and I feel that this is all getting very close to tipping me over the edge. It disgusts me that my brother didn't think, or even care, about any of this - he's in a cell oblivious to all this fall out.
That's the thing that amazes me, that he could do what he did, knowing full well the implications for those around him.

I'm not going to allow what he's done to bring me down. I'm not going to allow others to make me feel shit for something I had nothing to do with. But it's easier said than done.

I've got so much going round and round my head. I just want to forget about this but I can't. I've barely been able to eat I feel so sick, and it's onlt going to get worse in the next three weeks when it goes public. I can't really cope with this, and it's tearing me up inside tbh, on top of everything else in my life, but I haven't really got a choice. I just find it terrifying how quickly a week can change. I was actually Xmas shopping for him the day before, how fucking irrelevent that seems now.

[Pie-Roe]

IMHO opinion, write him off in your head. If you'd had kids and he'd tried to rape your daughter, would you still be convinced you had to stick by him?

His actions haven't negatively affected you aside from tarnishing your name (mainly in your head) but if you look at it from the girls perspective. She could be traumatised for the rest of her life, having no chance to build relationships for years because of it. Your brother knew that, whether he has a problem, it doesn't excuse him from potentially ruining someone else.

If a brother of mine did that, there wouldn't be any clarification needed. No longer a brother. It's different IMO to any other sort of crime, because it ruins the innocence of a child, and that, is not on.

Pyro
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[kitty kat]

I have avoided posting on this so far, but after reading pyro's post I have to agree. I personally know a child (well young lady now), she was <10 when she was abused by someone she knew & trusted. She became very withdrawn and then as she got into her teens she found it extremely hard to trust any male. Luckily she got very good counselling and now has a boyfriend who knows all about her past and absolutely adores her and vice versa. She is one of the lucky ones, she has managed to get past that episode in her life and has finally stopped blaming herself - which she did for many years.

Any man who is found guilty of such obscenity deserve to be punished in any way the courts see fit, it is just unfortunate that family members get dragged down by the abuser when they have actually done nothing wrong.

If it was my brother I would have to dis-associate myself from him.
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[tutton]

This kinda makes me feel sad..
Although the OP is trying not be fazed by it, thinking of sticking with his brother, yet in the next para hes being sick thinking about it. Such a damned moral dilemma eh? As has been said gotta weight it up. Whats going to mean more to you later on in life, are you going to leave work and risk never getting back into that work or progressing up the ladder where you are at the moment for your brother? I personally wouldnt as you'd just look back when 20 years on thinking what if i hadnt put myself in this crap position.

Although all in quite a hot subject as this was on hollyoaks recently, and in some circumstances i can see easily how things like this happen usually involving drink.

If you have a best friend, see them and let it all out, what else are friends for and just talk about it with someone like that who it totally unbiasd towards the whole situation at the moment, and like said weight up the gains and losses of writing him off or not.
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[igiyf]

No amount of thinking will resolve or help this situation..its one of Those situations of which there is no way out..only through..all thinking will do for you is transfer the pain into areas of your life,your job etc..Accept it,fully..without question,without the what ifs,whys,hows and what will the future bring..don't avoid what your feeling just don't think about it,let the feelings run there course and you will find remedy.

[lee8040]

[Ste]

their names get published and that will drive them underground, where the police and child protection people do not know where they are or more importantly have any idea what they are doing

so it helps paedophiles commit further offences and that is about all that it does

[nousername]

After reading all the comments firstly you must not give up your job, especially if it is with young people as it would almost certainly make people raise an eyebrow as to why you gave it up so suddenly.

Stick it out and you will be stronger for it not only in the short term as it will keep you occupied but in the long term as its your career.

My experience of this may be of some use, but its for you to take from it what you wish. Firstly the publicity will not be as bad as you think, I had some very personal stuff published about a family member and I was dreading the fall out, and nobody, not one person mentioned it....I had dreaded it for weeks but it was fine in the end.

Secondly, I knew someone directly who was similar to your brother and although they never went to prison as they never got convicted he was victimised and left very much alone. Eventually he did committ suicide. Its easy to want to rid the earth of people like this, but I dont blame you for your feelings wanting to support your brother. You have to go to the courts and really see for yourself if your heart says still stand by him. If it does then you should because if he ends up alone and takes his own life you may find yourself overcome with feelings of regret forever. He may get the help he needs inside with you supporting him from the outside.

Its very difficult, and you can tie yourself up in knots thinking of the hurt of everyone involved but you have to also put yourself first and think about the implications of any decision you make for the future.

Good luck with everything, and stay strong

[Moonie]