No 1 and No 2 related fun

[Ariel Badger]

I was in the Post Office yesterday sending a small parcel to Portsmouth. I had to stand in line to be served, at window one was an old bloke who was a bit confused and was having trouble punching his pin number into the handset, at number two window was a woman in a burqa. The pretty young Muslim girl who was serving the burqa lady was acting oddly and kept covering her face with a scarf. I could not understand why she was doing this at all but put it down to some religious obligation that I was not aware of.
The burqa lady left and I went to the widow, suddenly it was obvious why the girl was covering her face, the dirty old bugger at the other window absolutely stunk of stale urine and fresh poo. It was a stench so foul that it I found it hard to breath and pulled my shemagh over my face in an act of solidarity with the girl behind the counter.
In life it is not often that one encounters adults that are beshitted, I remember having to chase a crap encrusted gold prospector from a bar in Bulawayo Zimbabwe by hitting him on the head with a broom and in Amsterdam I was chatting to a bloke who suddenly pooed so violently it spurted from the neck of his shirt.
Anyone else have any plop and wee related tales to share?
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Bikers make great organ donors, get 115 on your licence today.

[neil.]

When my partner was a kid, her mum moved out due to relationship problems with her dad. She decided to go with her mum and they rented a place with one of her mum's friends. This guy was a heavy drinker.

One evening he was escorting her back from the train station after dropping her boyfriend at the time off. She recalls he was rather flatulent on this occasion but suddenly the sound of one of his flautal outbursts was heavily tainted with a rather more bubbly, squelchy undertone, accompanied by an unmistakeable pungent odour. There was also the obligatory wet patch on his trousers... This was no 'poo preview' - but a full blown matinee performance! She tried to walk faster than him to avoid the horrid stench but he would match her speed. And so they got home, he occupies the bathroom for the next hour or two whilst stinking the house out. She said the smell made her eyes water.
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CBT February 2008 | A2 June 2008 | Yamaha YBR125 (written off) | Honda CBF125 (current)

[Blau Zedong]

A guy I used to work with had his stag do in brighton (we are talking mid 70's here). HIm and his mates got invited to party in some posh birds house and he got pissed up to fuck on whiskey mac (a hybrid of whiskey and non descript wine. He went for a shite and only lasted as long as it took to pull his pants down, hence he deposited full weight of shit into his underwear rather than the loo. He pulled his now shit encrusted drawers up then fell through a glass shower door, forcing his mates to recover him to safety before they all got their heads kicked in. Upon recovery to the B&B they were staying in my mate undressed and jumped straight in bed, blissfully unaware of the full weight of shit he was carting around for the previous hour. He arose from blissful sleep to find a skidmark as big as him on the bed sheet. From eye witness accounts everyone spent the morning pointing and laughing while he attempted to handwash the shit stains out of the covers!
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18:54:48 Rob Fzs: jews don't give away stuff for free

18:54:59 Rob Fzs: unless its their clothes/ hair/ golden teeth

[Leggy_Girl]

My mum and dad divorced for many reasons, the main one being that he was just no good (without going into any detail). In the run up to my mum divorcing him he used to sit in his shed for hours on end, every night, drinking beer until he was blind drunk. If he needed the loo he wouldn't come in the house though, purely because he was so lazy. He would always have an empty plastic milk bottle in the shed to relieve himself. We told him not to do it so many times but he never did.

One night he upset me, my mum, and my two sisters so bad that my boyfriend came up with a great idea for revenge. He stabbed the bottom of the bottle so that there were loads of tiny slashes in it and placed it back in the shed.

You can guess what happened next, followed by us all rolling around the kitchen in hysterics as we heard screaming and cursing coming from the shed
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"One moment can change a day, one day can change a life and one life can change the world." Siddhartha Gautama

[10 pence Short]

Fuelling up at Morrisons one day and a very old guy in a fiesta pulled up at the pump in front. He gets out, uses the roof as a walking frame to steady himself to get to the fuel cap. He barely gets the nozzle in and starts fiddling with his flies.

He's only having a piss whilst filling up!

Anyhoo we go to pay at the same time and it's plainly obvious he hasn't put his "Old fella" away"
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I haven't had a cont all day, drinkstable.

[Skudd]

I once pulled in a shoplifter who was a little pungent to say the least, She smelt like the drains had backed up. Anyway, was waiting for the Old Bill to arrive to take her away when she suddenly stood up and was double incontinent. the stuff just pored down both her legs and puddled on the floor. The sight of the Bobbies faces when they came into the holding room was a picture. when they took her out there were dribbles following her. The office took weeks to smell fresh again.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Dragonfly]

You havnt met Ma Ward then, Mother of the knackers. She has poh down her legs and smells of wee and cider.

Our post office also smells of wee and I dont know why. Its like a public loo smell in there.

I pooed in someones garden once. I was smoking a joint in my mates car and I didnt wantto say I needed to go for number 2s as her boyfriend was there. So I said i was away for a weeonly it was very open so I went up to a house and they didnt answer so I pooed by the rabbit hutch.

the there was that time I got locked out of the house
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[Fisty]

After an operation on my arms i was in traction with both arms up in the air to reduce swelling, going to the toilet involved a couple of nurses and a bad pan. A little uncomfortable but im sure they had seen it all before.
It seems some of the various medications combined to give me some bad side effects, one of which was diarreha. On the 3rd afternoon i was desperate for a fart, so i lfted a cheek to sneak out a quiet fart, when I relaxed to let it go about 4 pints of hot stinking liquid shit erupted from my arse covering me and the bed. The ward stunk for a week after that and the nurses were afraid to tend to me!
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Quietly and consistently taking the piss.
TL1000R | Hayabusa | ZXR400 | TL1000S | Bandit 400 V
Fatter and faster than Fret

[Hetzer]

Where's that video of the hot models in the jacuuzi, where one suddenly vents her bowels straight through her bikini?

Oh yes, here it is. Poor cow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnFRXJF-R0g
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"There's the horizon! Ride hard, ride fast and cut down all who stand in your way!"

[JonB]

That's rank. Though i'm not convinced it's real. How the fook do you drop a bomb so violently and unexpectedly?!
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Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it?s worth.

[Clanger]

Not exactly related, but very similar...I recently HAD to tell my manager he stinks...it had been playing on my mind, and I thought I couldn't just tell him - as it'd be too weird / confrontational (even for me )...

And then last week, he leaned over me to show me something on the computer, and I came out with..."blimey your breath smells!!"

I felt soooo better having said it outloud, and that he didn't react as badly as I'd anticipated...and touch wood, so far so good.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[Fisty]

Last year I went for a drink in the next village along which is about a 3 mile walk through fields, lovely summers day and all was nice. On the way home and 8 pints in my gut I was a little bit lubricated was also pitch black. Walking home back through the fields i was in need of a piss, not a problem middle of nowhere nobody could see me so i walked towards a hedge and flopped it out and pissed away happily. I felt my feet becoming damp and in my pissed up stupor i thought i was pissing on myself so i moved a bit. Turns out i was knee deep in a stream and not pissing on myself.

Drunk in derby once i nipped into a bush for a piss and ended up relieveing myself on a sleeping tramp.
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Quietly and consistently taking the piss.
TL1000R | Hayabusa | ZXR400 | TL1000S | Bandit 400 V
Fatter and faster than Fret

[The999Kid]

[cal91]

I was pissed, and needed a piss, so I went for a ermm piss and halfway through this joyful piss I noticed my feet were getting abit wet, looked and noticed I was completely missing the toilet and there was a massive puddle on the floor. So I just kinda walked out the toilet hoping nobody would notice, but everyone was so pissed anyway, nobody did haha.

Poor fucker who had to clean that up.

BTW this was at a field party and we were using this toilet in the utility room of the girls house.

Funnily enough, she hasnt had anymore house parties cos everyone has been broke up by the police.
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We are the Patriots! Love your country.

[cammy mack]

when i was going through my basic training(army), during a forced march a mate of mine told the instructors that he needed a shit. they told him to fuck off so, he held it in for as long as possible then shat in his combats . when we got back to camp they made him march about holding his soiled combat trousers in front of him shouting "im a dirty bastard who shat himself"!!. during my time at first bus(glasgow) i knew a few guys who shat on the top deck of the buses just to get an early break!

[Tonka]

[chris-red]

I bought, in my student days, a pack of very cheap boxers they fit fine but they had a button fly that wasn't designed well there wasn't enough of an overlap on the material and the old chap would poke through.

Anyway walking down the road one day I saw a fairly pretty girl looking at me. I smiled at her and she gave me a horrible look as if I had pissed on her mum or something. Anyway I continue walking and feel a slight breeze I look down and the tip of my knob is poking out of the undone flies in my jeans. I subsequently threw all pairs of those pants out.

Another time when I was 16 or 17 I was at a party, this was the birthday party of a girl I really fancied. This was to be the first night I ever drank sambucca. I had too much, threw up in her bushes got put to bed in her bed woke up with her next to me and I had pissed myself
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Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
Skudd:- Perhaps she just thinks you are a window licker and is being nice just in case she becomes another Jill Dando.
WANTED:- Fujinon (Fuji) M42 (Screw on) lenses, let me know if you have anything.

[Dragonfly]

[Tonka]

[neil.]

[Tonka]

[Dragonfly]

haha I have to change my tops a few times a day normally.
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All the breast.
Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[neil.]

Ahh leakage, yes my other half was going through breast pads like there was no tomorrow whilst our son was on the booby... aparantly there are people out there who will buy your breast milk off you?
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CBT February 2008 | A2 June 2008 | Yamaha YBR125 (written off) | Honda CBF125 (current)

[Louise]

[Dragonfly]