Jimmy Carr - One liners

[_sketch_]

How do you make Lady Gaga cry…..Pokerface!



How many blondes does it take to make choc chip cookies? 3 one to mix the dough and 2 to peal the smarties.





People say safety in numbers. Tell 6 million Jews that.





I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.



When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.



My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age." "Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."



Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.



A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a d#ck like that."



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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A sucker for 2 strokes
Cagiva Supermoto project

[The999Kid]

fucking LOL!
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter

[dextersaurus]

[OssY]

i love JC he is truly a genius.

[m0l0t0v]

[Mac_Black]