Describe your perfect funeral

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

Mine is this.
Keep the C of E format but ditch all the religious stuff
Lemme explain, i want everyone (anyone) to meet at a church. Glass of wine on entrance, smoking allowed.
Elected speaker to say what a nice bloke i was and then instigate story telling.
Cremate then leave, or booze/drug up.
Ash can be put on the roses

Pat
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[ms51ves3]

I just want people to turn up.

[Flip]

I'd be happy not having a service. Bury me/cremate me (whatever). I want someone to read this...

"Sometimes he was nice, sometimes he wasn't. But don't hate him, he's dead now".

Then every will gather in a marquee drink beer, listen to metal and have a laugh. Obviously family can have a separate more 'respectable' gathering in my memory if they want.

[The Original Muzza]

Don't want a service, but at the same time I'm not opposed enough to go and stipulate that just now while I'm young. People can remember me in their own way if they want to, and if they don't want to, then why would they have gone to a service. Seriously, funerals are overrun with busybodys just indulging their morbid side and tripping balls off telling people "Sorry for your loss".
If I do have a service, I don't want religious crap from my mum, and I don't want traditional nonsense. Just lower me in with the Green Day song "Haha, you're dead" (not a great song, I feel playing this at my funeral would epitomise my sense of humour). Afterwards people can share stories about me amongst one another over several pints, but I don't want some fag giving a full on speech about how awesome I was, because everyone knows I'm a cock.
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Current Bikes: Husqvarna Svartpilen 401 (2020)
Former Bikes: Honda MSX125 (2014), BMW Funduro (1996), Honda VT500 (1983), Yamaha FZR250 (1989), Suzuki GZ125 Marauder(2005),:Triumph TT600 (2002) (stolen)
From then on, I and the bicycle feelings deeper.

[b-f-c]

I'd have to say, my perfect funeral is the one where I'm not dead

[Skudd]

I would want to be dead at my funeral. Saves all that scratching your way out of the coffin.

My funeral would be a quiet one, no vicar chit chat just 5-6 tunes/songs that I liked, then chuck me in the ground and have a butty or two afterwards.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Polo]

I would want a tape played of me talking like I am alive in the coffin.

I would explain that it would be best to stand right back when they light the fire as I have 3 large propane gas cannisters in there with me.

I would close the audio with a loud guff and the sound of me choking. I wouldn't want people to think I was still alive.
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My mum smells your fingers

[arry]

I want a real pomp and ceremony CofE funeral with all the Bible readings you can think of that are in any way relevant, and some that aren't just for good measure to bore everyone that turns up to tears.

Then I'll have someone like a best mate give a speech about how much I would have enjoyed laughing at all the shite that's been spouted so far as arry's understanding of life is:
"You're born, you grow up, you work like a bastard for 45 years in a job you hate, you die, get shoved in a box, buried in the ground, get eaten by worms - that's it folks"

Ok, maybe I wouldn't be that much of a bastard even in death but it would still, none the less, amuse me from beyond the grave - oh fcuk, no it wouldn't, I don't believe in anything after death - I'll have to re-think this one.

[The Shaggy D.A.]

I'm more likely to just donate my body to medical science. If there's a service, people can just direct their speeches to the willy in a jar.
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Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5

[the grim reaper]

I'm not bothered about what sort of service I have, as I'll be dead, but the missus knows that I want 'Always look on the bright side of life' played, whistling is obligatory

She said she won't do it but I said I'll come back and haunt her if she doesn't. Assuming that is an option ofcourse, which I very much doubt it is but I'm not telling her that


[edit] I forgot, then everyone has to go and get pissed, no excuses.

Cheers

Grim
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Adverts don't always work: Remember that advert, where the army are running across the desert and they have a wounded man on a stretcher. They get to a ravine, the bridge is down and a caption pops up that says, 'What are you thinking?'. I don't know about you but I was thinking, 'Christ, I'm glad I'm not in the f***ing army'.

[GhostRider]

I find funerals rather cringeworthy in most cases.

Some vicar babbling on about you like he's known you for years when he probably needs cue cards to remember your name, shitty hymns that spout "jesus loves you" crap, even worse bible readings etc.

I went to a funeral about 6 months ago for an old friend who was murdered, shot in the chest with a shotgun and died in his moms arms, yet the vicar there was spouting shite about how this was an accident and god didnt want this to happen (that'll be the omnipotent god yeah?) and then felt it appropriate to start singing and clapping to "He's got the whole world in his hands". This was after he fell down on his knees and begged the people at the funeral not to seek vengeance for his death. I was stunned to say the least.

I think the best bet would be pretty much what's been said, few of my favourite tunes, a few mates/family saying a few words, set me on fire and then have a drink on me. Simplez.

[Robby]

Invite everyone I don't like, force them snort a line of my ashes.

[pa_broon74]

Mmm...

Funerals are for the benifit of those left behind so I'd let them decide, if any one is around to give a toss.


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Didn't catch anything.

[Stelmer]

I'd love to present my own funeral just to be creepy.

For added shock, the vicar would place a microphone next to the coffin and i'd read the introduction through a tape recorder in the coffin. Obviously the mourners (if any) would not know prior to it happening.

Just a shame i'd not be there to see everyone's reaction.

[Mr Hammers]

I want massive fireworks that kill, a dozen marching bands that are all completely blind drunk, a 21 gun salute in 12 counties with real ammunition aimed randomly, and a crowd bigger than Diana's and Jacko's. I want the Bishop of Westminster dressed as a hippie to be stoned and tripping, and deliver a confused and erratic speech at the service, and Lou Reed to sing a week long tribute to me and a dog I didn't have, and Tim Roth to stand up and extoll my virtues while crying like a baby throughout, but replacing all instances of the word 'life' in his speech with 'cheroot'.

I want Felicity Kendall to be naked on a huge plinth, holding a sign saying "I was much hotter 20 years ago" and progressively younger Kendall look-a-likes on similar, ever smaller plinths for each year of her life. I want Matt Groening to attend in order to research a new Simpson's episode based around my life where I replace both Homer, Marge and Apu. I want Ronnie Hazelhurst dug up and forced to come up with a befitting theme tune. I want Dolly the cloned sheep to attend, but be chained and muzzled as if she were a vicious wild creature, and not a dead sheep.

I want all the contestants in the current Miss World to act out key moments in my life, using only a rubber tube, some Cillit Bang and their collective breasts.

I want Davina McCall dressed as a clown to host a special programme where everyone I've *never* met in my entire life gets to come up and say what a thoroughly lovely person I was and that they hated me, and for it to be broadcast live from the funeral to every continent and country, but not Brazil.

I want Parliament to furiously debate whether to ban something (but never specified) as a tribute to all my good deeds, and for all MPs to use exactly the same soundbite when interviewed later.

And at the end of everything I want thousands chickens released from high above so they all fall to earth and die from compression injuries, and then for everyone involved to step back, sigh, and ask; "umm yeah, but err..*who* exactly was he again..??"


If I can't have that then just burn me or chuck me in a hole somewhere, because I won't care, I'll be dead. Or, give me to science.

Why yes, I am bored at work...how did you guess..
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A Guide To Powerbands

[Polo]

I don't get the medical science thoughts. I have had too many people laugh at my small penis to then continue the mocking after my death.


<white coated woman removes item from small bag and places it on a pub table>

Friend: "What's that?"

White Coated Woman: "It's a doner's penis. Just came in today so there hasn't even been time for shrinkage"

Friend: "No way. It looks like a penis, only smaller. I'm gonna drop it in Bob's beer".


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My mum smells your fingers

[The Shaggy D.A.]

https://www.suprmchaos.com/rasputins-penis2_061204.jpg


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Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5

[The Original Muzza]

My body will be donated to science, not medical science per se, but nutrition. To teach people the consequences of leading a life of excess food, drink and drugs. I'm not the only person I know with alcohol induced skin conditions, beer belly/man boobs (fuel tanks fer the luv machine, hurr hurr hurr) and chronic fatigue.
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Current Bikes: Husqvarna Svartpilen 401 (2020)
Former Bikes: Honda MSX125 (2014), BMW Funduro (1996), Honda VT500 (1983), Yamaha FZR250 (1989), Suzuki GZ125 Marauder(2005),:Triumph TT600 (2002) (stolen)
From then on, I and the bicycle feelings deeper.

[bootsbiker]

1 that i not in the coffin....
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[The999Kid]

open air funeral, with my coffin arriving by motorcycle and sidecar, and someone reciting the famous poem by Mary Elizabeth Fry, which i can recite completely at will and at some point want tattoo'ed down my chest...

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep,
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autum rain,
When you awake in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night,
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there,
I did not die...

Then i get cremated, no words from a minister, and my ashes scattered in a corn field.
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter

[Flip]

[andyscooter]

i dont care i would be dead

[Polo]

[kitty kat]

I want a simple service at a crematorium, preferably with my friends arriving on motorbikes, dressed in their normal biking gear. If Sam is still rideable I want someone to ride him, hopefully my son, riding next to my best friend. The 2 of them side by side, behind the hearse, leaving a space infront to symbolise a lost leader.
After the service, everyone to go on their bikes and ride to Kirkby Lonsdale (my favourite meeting place) and have a drink and a butty there. Family can do what the hell they like, they are not bikers and don't understand me.
When my ashes can be collected I want them transported by my friend, either on my bike, or their own bike and taken to the bridge and scattered behind the wall near the fallen log.

I also want to be cremated with my bike key in my hand and wearing my bike gear. No flowers on the coffin, just my helmet.
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Enjoy everyday, tell those you love everyday you love them
Life is too short to fall out with people

[Howling TerrorOutOfOffice]

^^^Biker to the core

Pat
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project