Relationship Breakdown: Baby stuck in the middle?

[2E]

This will probably be a long and drawn out post so bear with me.

Over the last month all the following has happened:

* My fiance left me and walked out with my 8 month old daughter
* Despite my ongoing attempts to repair the relationship, it has failed
* I lost majority of the possessions in the flat
* I've had to sign back onto JSA (previously a full time dad)
* I get promised that my daughter will be brought down to see me but she does not.
* Due to not being in work for a fair while, i am struggling to find a job (literally applying for everything feasible)
* Despite trying to do the right thing and informing the council my partner has moved out, and being told nothing would change, they have canceled my claim for Housing Benefit/Council Tax and i now can not pay my rent.
* Due to the above, i now face losing my home and thus will be homeless.
* On the morning i was supposed to be going to the Council Office to sort the above, my bike gets stolen.


Anyway, I'd love to tell you my plight ends there, but it doesn't throw a 126 quid cancellation charge for my insurance (tpo) although im thinking of just throwing it on a donor bike i have even if it never moves

The problem im worried about really is to do with my daughter, my ex's mum decides she knows much better than the baby food companys who have years of experience producing the best food for infants and decides only to feed my daughter normal processed food.

Although i know people do this, its much like swapping from baby milk to baby food, you do it gradually to let their system get used to it, yesterday was the third time i've had the baby almost crying in pain due to trying to pass what can only be described as 'rocks'.

Thick, hard, almost black poo...

I've had her for a week before and she had this problem for the first day or so with me, but after feeding her normal food she was back to normal which tells me the problem lies solely with 'Grandma's Processed Crap'.

I usually give her juice or milk to help her system deal with it.. not much else i can do (I never feed her this crap btw, i give her normal tins of baby food)

I told my ex-missus yesterday and her dad that i wasn't happy and wanted her to be booked into the doctors, this seemingly has been ignored and shes with me again today with an extra tub of the crap...

Im thinking of refusing to hand her back tonight and getting her to the doctors to see if theres anything they can do... AFAIK normal food is too salty for a baby anyway and obviously its not agreeing with her!

What should i do BCF?
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Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[MaybeGuy]

get another bike
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Blue_SV650S wrote: it was a sh1te wheelie, but it proves that he can get it up in 3rd and can do angles. In summery, mattsprattuk is a gobby little sh1tebag, dopehead tw4t, but sadly for all of us, he probably isn't THAT full of sh1te!!
Kickstart wrote: Hi I tend to agree with Matt. All the best Keith

[panrider_uk]

Take her to the doctors now?

Mark
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Current bikes: Honda ST1100 Pan European. Moto Guzzi V85 TT Travel

[Ste]

Take her to the doctors.

Refusing to hand her back sounds like a reasonable enough thing to do, but I wouldn't be surprised if that caused you problems with getting access to your daughter.

[Carl_steveo]

Go on the run??
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Current: Honda Nsr 125
Live: Sunderland
Luke "cant be arsed to read your post, but suck my balls anyway."

[Flip]

Black hard poo? Too much iron?

[effit]

If this was my problem I would do the following...

1.Book an appointment for the doctors for the baby next Monday
2.Dont tell the ex-witch
3.get a sample bottle from the doctors surgery
4.when you have the child at the weekend take a sample of the black poo
5.give it to the doctor and tell him your concerns
6. if there is anything untoward, your doctor will advise

good luck to you bud, i hope all becomes well

[2E]

Thanks for the replies, have rung the doctors (her doctor isn't local to me and mine is an asshole and wont see patients even if it is a 8 month old baby, had this issue when she came down with chicken pox)

Her doctor/surgery said to ring tommorow because surgery is closed and they are going home soon (didnt really care it seems)..

I'm probably not doing myself any favors by trying to reading up on it online because it turns out black poo can also be the sign of internal bleeding from stomach ulcers or such, i doubt it is this but hell, how the hell i know!!?




I reckon its more likely too much iron or something as FLIP says, but i dont even know what are in these pots of poison either.. but im certainly not feeding it to her either way.

If it turns out that this is effectively poisoning her then you can bet your lives that i will go to court and fight against them over it....

I've told them theres a problem, and they have ignored me, so now they can deal with the consequences!
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Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[2E]

Shes not my wife, we were never married.

I'm reluctant to blame my ex for this, she is a good mum but she works alot and thus my daughter spends or has spent majority of her time with her parents with me being the last person to get asked to care for her

Its my ex's mother whos the one mixing up this crap...

EDIT:

Called social services, they weren't much help at all.. telling me to speak to my partner or 'exert your parental responsibilities'.
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Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[neilb]

[ClaireBear]

You could contact the health visitor about your little girl- they will probably be able to explain the diet in a more friendly way compared to a GP.
Hope it all works out for you.

[2E]

According to DirectGov:

In England and Wales, if the parents of a child are married to each other at the time of the birth, or if they have jointly adopted a child, then they both have parental responsibility. Parents do not lose parental responsibility if they divorce, and this applies to both the resident and the non-resident parent.

This is not automatically the case for unmarried parents. According to current law, a mother always has parental responsibility for her child. A father, however, has this responsibility only if he is married to the mother when the child is born or has acquired legal responsibility for his child through one of these three routes:

* (from 1 December 2003) by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother
* by a parental responsibility agreement with the mother
* by a parental responsibility order, made by a court


I registered the birth with my partner.. i am named on the birth certificate thus have parental responsibility.

I am working on this issue using suggestions posted.. the baby is being checked by a doctor tommorow so hopefully this should be sorted soon
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Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[Clanger]

In the meantime, make yourself invaluable to your ex. Go to the local veg shop and buy yourself loads of cheap veggies. And then cook up some soups / stews etc. (with the baby in mind).

They can be made simply and without all the crap that goes into processed junk, you can sweeten with nutmeg and other such spices.

Get these potted up, and labelled and then insist your ex hands them to mother to feed the child with. The mother probably is doing the processed route because she 'thinks' it's cheaper and possibly because it's quick.

Don't get fobbed off. Do as the social services suggest and exert your parental rights.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[hellkat]

You cannot change all these things at once.
Try to concentrate on the things that improve your state of affairs the most easily.

And get them into an order that is effective.

1. Roof over your own head:
* Reapply for housing benefit.
Sometimes (often!) the paperwork just gets fucked up.
Don't take no for an answer.
If you are on JSA, you SHOULD be entitled to housing/CT benefit.

* Apply for a flat from the council.

If you are ALREADY in a council flat, tell them you want to get on the transfer list, as you are hoping to gain custody of your daughter, and that you need better conditions for her than you are currently in.

If you are in private rented, obviously speak to your landlord and try to reassure him that you are trying to solve the problem.

Tell the council you are fearful of losing your flat and therefore becoming unintentionally homeless. Also tell this to the housing benefit people, as that might make them pull your finger out, if you sound as though you will be made intentionally homeless and end up in their housing office as well. Then again, they don't really give a shit, its a different department. But try it on anyway, it might help shuffle your benefit through a bit quicker.

Whatever you do, do NOT hand in your notice to wherever you are, as this will mean you have MADE yourself homeless and will be ineligible to apply for council housing.

If your landlord threatens to evict you, let the process take as long as it possibly can, because then you have not made yourself intentionally homeless, your landlord has.

It probably won't make any difference, as The Housing are hard bastards to deal with, but even if you get on the bidding list, at least its a start.


2. Feeding the child
* When you have the child, feed her your own food.
If the mother and her parents won't feed it proper food, the least you can do is prepare and cook stuff for the baby yourself. It doesn't take much, just make whatever you're having and mash it up. It won't hurt you to eat less salt/fat/sugar and more fresh meat/fish and vegetables, will it.

* Whilst she is with you, if you feel there is an issue, then go ahead and compare the poo. If it changes when she is with you, "document" it by taking samples of how it is when she arrives and how it is when she is fed by you, and take them to the doctor, and ask the doctor to document it. Sounds petty and weird, but that builds your case against the mother/grandparents "mistreating" the child by feeding her stuff that constipates her.


3. Getting a job
* Its hardly your highest priority right now, and not very practical, is it? It would be more difficult to sort out all these little niggles whilst busy shovelling burgers, digging roads or even doing office wallah stuff. Bosses are never thrilled about employees sorting out their private shit in work time, and these problems you have are mostly things that need time and patience and need to be done DURING working hours when the doctors office, benefits office, social workers, housing office, etc., are open.

Whilst your priority is to earn money so you can prove that you can support your child, the CSA will only take it off you if you do not have custody, so you may as well concentrate on keeping a roof over your head and ensuring your daughter is properly fed.

So (for now) do the minimum required to continue getting JSA. You can get a job later. And if you are on JSA long enough, they may retrain you (hopefully into a better paying job), but retraining is not an option until you have been on it a while.


4. The bike:
We all love our bikes, but bikes come and go.

Don't cancel the bike insurance (yet) ... it may turn up on the Police's radar sooner than you think. If you "happen to have" £126 to spare (! and who does? !), then if the bike turns up, spend the money on a(nother) decent lock and chain.

Three out of the (at least) 4 bikes I have had stolen have been found a week to 10 days later. You can always fix 'em up if they've been a bit bashed about by joyriders. Wiring can be rewired and panels can be replaced.

If its not turned back up within a month to 6 weeks, then consider cancelling it or (as you say) applying it to another bike, if you can.


VERY IMPORTANT:
> DON'T DELAY TAKING THE CHILD BACK TO HER MOTHER ON TIME
> DON'T DO A RUNNER WITH HER
You really will do yourself no favours legally on that front.
I think we all know that.

Maybe I'm telling you stuff you've already done, or that isn't relevant, or that hasn't worked, but ... it's the squeaky wheel that gets oiled the soonest.

If you are on the case of the council/housing/social/doctors, they may well be going "its that fucking Mr XYZ again!!" when they come off the phone to you, but they will eventually think "fuck it we'll do what he wants, to get him off our backs"
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[yuri2085]

Just a question about returning to the mother on time, I am under the impression there is currently no custody agreement; she just has the daughter and dictates to you when you can or can not see her?

[2E]

I don't mash up food for the baby, shes fed from the jars...

Proper baby food (cow&gate), its not exactly expensive is it


Hellkat thanks for that.. i am getting very stressed out over the whole ordeal, even slightly depressed as im sure anybody can appreciate.




Theres no legal custody agreement in place, i have half a mind to take it to court but i dont need the hassle right now...

Will update you guys with my progress. hopefully it gets sorted soon
____________________
Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[temeluchus]

If it comes to it, bare in mind you will be entitled to 100% free legal aid whilst on JSA and on a low income.

I have been in court with the ex for the last three years over custody of my sons and havent paid a penny.
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Some shite cruiser. Now with guns and FREEDOM!

[Keir]

best buy at lakeside are recruiting at the moment if you want a job locally.
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Current : '08 Yamaha FZ1s
Previous: '99 Honda CBR 600FX, 03 ZX636 B1H, 99 Fazer 600 (red), 02 GSX-R 600 K2, 00 SV650s (red), 2008 ZX10R, 97 Bandit 1200N, 04 ZX6RR K1H, 04 GSX-R 1000, 98 Fazer 600 (gold), 05 Madness 110 Pit bike, 04 CR125R, 00 SV650s (black), 06 KTM 625 SMC, 99 SRAD 600 track bike, 03 SV650, 98 Bandit 1200N, Bandit 600SY, 03 GSX-R 600 K3, 01 GSX-R 600, 01 Fazer 600 (black), VFR 400 NC30 x3, 78 Honda Dream, 00 Speedfight 50

[Clanger]

[warped one]

One thing that stick in my mind what a work mate told me after been in this situation is:

Treat your daughter like a princess, yet with the discipline. And she will soon come round to your house when she is old enough to know who cares for her properly.


I know i'm not going through the same problem as you or anywhere near it, but just think about the future of you child. Bikes are worth nothing compared to that.

Mark
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amnesia - Never in the history of usernames has one been more accurate. Warped indeed. You sir are a fecking oddball.

[Kwaks]

My sympathy is with you.

However, you say you told ex and her dad you wanted baby lookied at by doctor, due to what she was being fed, this would immediately put them on the defensive.

Speak to the ex alone, and explain that the child is having difficulty digesting the food and you fear she may be being fed liquified adult food, which is too salty for her. At best she is not recieving enough liquids to keep her stools soft.

I see you have not mentioned going for full custody? To do so you would have a very strong case as you were the primary carer, however this case diminishes the longer you leave it.
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Fallen Angel "Nae sniffing my seat now!!!!! "
www.cliqueycuntsmcc.co.uk
I AM NOT A FAST RIDER!!!!!!!!!

[lostboy]

try and claim (through solicitors) Joint parental responsibility for your daughter AS SOON AS POSSIBLE this I cannot stress enough. I have been there and its not a nice situation but you must...

Seek mediation with your partner- try relate or a local mediation counselling service.

Do not put stress on your partner by telling her... you love her... want to get back with her... continuously contacting/ringing/writing/approaching her.

Do get agreed contact times to speak to your child my partner tried doing me for harrassment because I tried to ring her twice a week to see how the my kids were and eventually had to find out through solicitors.

Do not be derogotary about her or family members to anyone (especially the child/ren) who knows her or family this can be classed as abusive and you have to look whiter than white.

Do not threaten ever if things go to court this makes you look bad no saying "I'm gonna disappear with the kid/s" throws your credibility into question as a responsible parent.

Set up contact with the child/ren at the first opportunity no matter where the contact takes place. contact centres are horrible but if you have to do it then do it.

Do not break any promises to your ex or the child/ren it throws your credibility as a parent into question, but on the other side of things do not make promises you know you cannot keep or agree to anything that could be deemed unreasonable.

Do not be unrealistic with any contact demands or your expectations should this reach court, its a fact only 1 in 10 fathers gain custody of their children regardless of the circumstances,

I'm sorry you seem to be having such a bad time of it I can empathize with you, I didn't see my kids for 3 months when I split with their mum (she left for another bloke) and it ripped my heart out but you have to play things by the book and the book is full of rules that don't seem fair. My sympathies and good luck.
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Never invite a vampire into your house you silly boy!

[Vincent]

As far as he council place goes - anyway you could rent a room out to help pay for the place If you lose that, it could get a lot harder keeping contact with your daughter - and finding work.

I've been in exactly the same boat as you about 20 years ago and in some ways I was even worse off. I can completely empathise with how you feel but try to keep a bit of faith in the future. I know it's hard when things go tits up but what you do now will affect how things turn out.

As far as the in-laws go, try not to be to confrontatonal about things. Some times you have to bite yer lip and go with the flow. A battle between ex wife & family can only make thngs worse.



Believe me - this will all seem like a bad dream one day. Keep yer chin up and get that council place sorted.

[D O G]

[Numptie]