Don't fear newbies, I'm here to help

[Shaun]

It has been brought to my attention that a lot of new motorbicyclists lack even the basic knowledge of how to survive in the scary and intimidating world that is the UK roads on 2 wheels so I've decided to share with you my insider knowledge.

When you first climb on a motorcycle it can feel scary and intimidating but there's really nothing to worry about, it's just like riding a bike, except some of these ones can do 160mph and kill you in 1/60th of a second.

The first thing you need to think about is a helmet, many favour the full face variety, it provides complete protection of the head and face but when you get one you quickly realise it's bullshit. I recommend you get an open face helmet, whilst it doesn't provide protection of the face it's much easier to smoke in these and as we learnt in the 60's, smoking is cool. Function over fashion, always.

Next is gloves, the most important part of your kit, if you crash, your face may be torn to shreds because you only had an open face helmet but you'll still need your hands to lift that cigarette and pint to your mouth whilst you regale your admirers in the pub with your heroic story of how you had a head on collision with a double decker.

Motorcycle gloves are unnecessarily expensive, save money by popping into your local B&Q and picking up a cheap pair of gardening gloves, if they can stop nettles from stinging you then chances are they can stop tarmac from giving you gravel rash too.

The next item on your list should be boots, a lot of motorcycle boots claim to be water proof but inevitably all of those claims are a load of shit and you'll have wet socks before you can say the lake just jumped in front of me officer. Therefore I suggest you head down to your nearest Clarks and pick up a pair of Wellington boots. Not only could you wade through a stream in them and still have dry feet but yesterday I saw a teenage girl wearing some so they're probably fashionable too.

You'll be needing a leather jacket too, these are stocked in most motorcycle shops, however a lot of them contain "armour" which restricts movement and isn't that comfy when you're trying to nail a 16 year old behind the bus stop (you'll get lots of attention from 16 year old girls when you're on a motorcycle). A better option is to go to a more fashionable store like Topman, not only are their leather jackets lightweight but every male between the age of 14 and 24 will own the same one so it'll feel like you're in Grease and everyone is in your gang with the sole aim in life of getting a pink lady pregnant.

There's no need to worry about your legs, just grab a pair of jeans while you're in Topman or a pair of shorts if it's summer.

That ends the clothing portion of my advice, next time we'll look at road craft and finish off with a Q&A if I'm sober.

[UnspeedySam]

Fantastic post. I just hope nobody takes it seriously. With some of the posts I see in this forum it wouldn't surprise me if someone did...
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Riding: BMW R1150RT `02 bought mildly crashed
Fixing: Also the BMW as I get less broken bits
Gone: ZZR600 '00, TRX850 '97, RXS100 '93, JS125-6B '07, BMW R1100RS '93, Kawasaki ZX-6R-J2 '01, Honda Bros NT400 NC25 '88

[The Shaggy D.A.]

Shaun, I can't be arsed with the buttons and zips on jeans, can I just wear my trackie bottoms?
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Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5

[kfc v lot]

Brilliant!

What about sandals?
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"you've proper quadraspazzed a bunch of schoolkids by throwing your bike into them at 60 mph"

[Nai]

Loved it

[Shaun]

[jay12329]

[Shaun]

[WetSparks]

[Towton 1461]

Always make sure you're wearing clean underpants with your trackie
bottoms. This will stop the friction burns on your arse becoming
infected.
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This post is sponsored by QUILLIES LOZENGES. Suck QUILLIES for fast throat relief!

[kfc v lot]

[karoshi]

Shaun,

Taking your advice i've got myself an open-face helmet, I'm a bit skint at the moment and didn't want to cut into my white-lightening cash but I found one at the local car-boot..

the only problem I have now is that it's a bit too big for me and it's coming down over my eyes.. would it be ok to use my dad's pillar drill to make a couple of eyeholes in the brim, or should I pack the inside out with a scrunched up Sun Weekend football suppliment?
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Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. - Elwood P. Dowd

[smegballs]

Open Face = Check

Gardening Gloves = Check

Wellies =Check

Trackies = Check

I've done/do all of them apart from the topman leather jacket.

For my first year riding my "jacket" was either an soldier 95 jacket or an nbc jacket at times.

Trackies are often worn if I'm just going down out for milk or something.

Wellies are good in the rain! A nice overlap between overtrousers and wellie tops, make rear brake a bit on/off though...

Gardening Gloves have been used in a pinch when lost one glove etc on the basis that its better than nothing at all....

Open faces are just plain nice to ride in on a nice day - on a gentle ride not haring it about.

[JonE]

Instead of a helmet would my hoodie offer adequate protection.

Jon

Ps

The hoodie matches my 3 stripe track suit bottoms so it would look a bit like a full set of leathers.

[ThoughtContro...]

I used council issue red rubberised gloves last "Summer" a couple of times. Got totally fucked off with my usual gloves getting drenched every day, then taking 12+ hours to properly dry out. Tried no gloves but your hands freeze at speed in the wet. So thought fuck this, they're better than nowt, waterproof and if they get shagged throw em away and get another pair. Should have painted A* logo on em for proper tart factor

Rigger boots are great in the wet too
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Prize cunt
--
"In a world of universal deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act" - George Orwell

[27cows]

That was pretty much the reality in the mid-80s, 'cept we didn't bother with gardening gloves. Like the proper hard goalies of the 70s, we'd have bare hands even in the depths of winter.

One great way of attracting girls was to cover your moped/bike in Durex stickers and remove your baffle and air filter

My first ever lid was this horrific Bieffe bit of crap which I'd been using for years off road. Visor was so scratched it was literally impossible to see through, even in bright sunlight. One day I dropped it and it split down the seam So I borrowed first my nan's 1950s cork lined, peaked, leather covered motorbike helmet, and when I found I couldn't ride me Fizzy down the road without people dissolving into gales of laughter at the sight of me in that, me dad's parachuting helmet, which was bright yellow and the most uncomfortable bit of headgear I've ever had the misfortune to suffer.

And we (well, I, once) used to wear skateboarding pads and attempt to get our knees down on sports mopeds round the local Key Markets car park

Remember some lad who used to come out with a Jack D bottle full of cold tea and pretend he was pissed in front of the old bill - hours of fun to be had, and a highly recommended pursuit for the newbie motorcyclist
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The RXS100: vehicle of choice for Chuck Norris

[ajbsmirnoff]

This thread brought me to tears. Of laughter. But tears all the same.