TFIF 25/06/2010 lighten the Friday drudge

[Neorion]

A collection of the weeks email forwards that have given me a laugh, enjoy and have a good safe weekend



A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane?

The second man explained that he was from the Federal Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ............Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
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One of life's great mysteries!

How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.

Apparently the instruction 'Finish off on her face' didn't mean 'What I thought it did'
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Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '

But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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SHOCKING DISCOVERY

Police in Liverpool just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said, "We're shocked. We never knew we had a f*ckin' library!"
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Snow eh!

The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
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And My Favourite This Week: A Medley of Pish Rippers about Engerland 'Come on zee Germans!!'

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t.
British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel.
It is thought that 11 arseholes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room.
And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.



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VFR FI 2000- Shiney Red Thing
"some things man was never meant to know, for everything else there's Google"

[Shay HTFC]

England visited a Cape Town orphanage today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad, little faces with no hope," said Jamaal, age 6
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Full Motorbike License - GS500E '95