Brokeback Woman & other funnies

oldpink · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Karma :

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
____________________
I have become comfortably numb

Theory & hazard 24-may 2016, CBT 8th June 2016, MOD 1 2nd Aug 2016 Mod 2 2nd-Nov 2016 - Current bike CBR 600 RR

oldpink · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Karma :

Fishing

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot.
You should go fishing."
____________________
I have become comfortably numb

Theory & hazard 24-may 2016, CBT 8th June 2016, MOD 1 2nd Aug 2016 Mod 2 2nd-Nov 2016 - Current bike CBR 600 RR

oldpink · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Karma :

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman
wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he
can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."
____________________
I have become comfortably numb

Theory & hazard 24-may 2016, CBT 8th June 2016, MOD 1 2nd Aug 2016 Mod 2 2nd-Nov 2016 - Current bike CBR 600 RR

oldpink · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Karma :

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
____________________
I have become comfortably numb

Theory & hazard 24-may 2016, CBT 8th June 2016, MOD 1 2nd Aug 2016 Mod 2 2nd-Nov 2016 - Current bike CBR 600 RR

oldpink · World Chat Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2006 Karma :

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt...and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
____________________
I have become comfortably numb

Theory & hazard 24-may 2016, CBT 8th June 2016, MOD 1 2nd Aug 2016 Mod 2 2nd-Nov 2016 - Current bike CBR 600 RR