Something to offend (text only)

[Neorion]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning!

I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly more forward these days.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Liverpool.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit limp wristed.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Paki friend in bleach. I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.

Prince William didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip didn't give a toss, hewent anyway.

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

I've just watched the Simpson's and realised it's a load of bollocks.
Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
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VFR FI 2000- Shiney Red Thing
"some things man was never meant to know, for everything else there's Google"