Annoying Management/Corporate "sayings"

[CaNsA]

The latest one to piss me of so much that i have to rant and vent about it on a bike forum is.......

"Can you ensure once you receive leaver information from xxxx that all relevant parties are privy to this information to suspend accounts immediately, please advise

Thanks "

What the fuck does she want me to advise her on??
For someone who is so certain in her request, that i ensure it is done, she still requires me to advise her?

Seriously, what the fuck!!! arrgggg

https://images.memegenerator.net/images/195x/262418.jpg

[Ingah]

"Dear PersonFromWork,

I would like to advise you that i will follow your advice in future.

Thanks,
Craig."

(It is an absolute must that you get the advice/advise the right way round!)
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-- Ingah

[JP7]

Sounds like your typical email from someone who thinks they're in charge, but probably isn't.

In plain English, it sounds like they want you to tell everyone your leaving date so all your account access can be deleted the day after.

Perhaps you should liaise with the account suspensions team leader to facilitate the expeditious removal of your account access privileges, in order to benefit from a smooth departure from the organisation.

[CaNsA]

We have had a load of layoffs recently, but thats not the issue.... lol

another one that pisses me off is "moving/going forward"

eg

"if there are any issues please include them in tonight’s handover email and I will ensure that they are resolved going forward."

"Thanks, moving forward these calls need to go to computer center until they migrate to us in June."

[Ingah]

[CaNsA]

Had a looksee on google.

[sweetleaf]

[CaNsA]

[yen_powell]

I regularly get 'joined up working' and 'stakeholders'.

My absolute favourite though is when they advertise jobs where I work they always say it's a 'vibrant' place to work.

When I'm out on site and some old tramp or prossie hawks up a lung omelette onto the floor right in front of me I always think to myself, ooh that's vibrant that is.
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Blackmail is a nasty word........but not as nasty as phlegm!
XT1200Z and a DR350 in bits

[mistergixer]

I work for an American company, I find their bullshit corporate speek highly irritating.
Whenever we have to endure presentations which are full of it, I make whoever it is translate it into English. Exactly WTF does crap like "leverage significant core technology assets" actually mean?



I love this site, not only does it provide a buzzword generator (helpful if you need to 'drive user-centric initiatives', 'streamline end-to-end constructs' or similar), but it's also got a nice scorecard for buzzword bingo.


____________________
Space Monkey #7
Don Eladio is dead. His capos are dead. You have no one left to fight for. Fill your pockets and leave in peace. Or fight me and die!
Mistergixer's videos on YouTube

[LustyLew]

[D O G]

- Going forward
- Reaching out (wtf!!!!)
- Impact (can we not say effect anymore?)

I, until very recently worked for a US corp, and was therefore subjected to a lot of this crap.

The best one I ever heard was on a conference call, where it was said that...

"We need to triangulate the deltas on this, then sync up to move this forward"

My response was simply "What?"

Unbelievable.

[Dazbo666]

- thinking outside the box
- brainstorming sessions
- laying everything on the table (ooh, err, missus)

and tha main one at my works being members of management referring to various procedures with acronyms without explaining them first, and assuming (wrongly) that I know what they're talking about WTF
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1st bike (Sept'06 - May'10) : 1991 GPZ500S / Current bike (since Nov 2009) : 2003 Suzuki Bandit 600N
Word of the day : DILLIGAF

[.....]

'Kind Regards' WTF are Kind Regards?

What ever happened to just 'Regards'? Was it not enough? It's like people who say 110%.

[sickpup]

From a company I used to work for...

[lihp]

[fatpies]

Something doing the skydiver rounds:

[nop]

Synergy.
Vertical integration.
Product ecosystem.
Blue-sky thinking.
Helicopter management.


See you in hell.

[Fawbish]

One I get too often is;


'if you could ensure timesheets are completed by the end of play today'

Really? I wasn't aware this was a game. Shall I go long? Fancy a huddle?

Fuck off.
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"Oh....it looks like Average Joe's is forfeiting the match!" - "Yeah, its a risky strategy but lets see if it pays off for 'em Cotton."

[chris-red]

So many from Facilities so funny I swear they are taking the piss.

A kettle becomes a 'Hot Water Station' and so on.
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Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
Skudd:- Perhaps she just thinks you are a window licker and is being nice just in case she becomes another Jill Dando.
WANTED:- Fujinon (Fuji) M42 (Screw on) lenses, let me know if you have anything.

[dodgydog]

I recently had an e-mail.

Dear Contractor, (good start, not knowing my name)

Recent decisions have been made to commence drilling down on our delivery procedures / customer interface systems. Our ongoing commitment to enhancing customer service modules must remain paramount to the contractor / customer interface experience. To facilitate this, up to date driver / contractor modules blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, going forward, blah blah blah blah.

(for another three paragraphs)

ending with.

"heads up" sessions will be programmed into your delivery commitments.

As in, come in to the depot for a day (without pay) and listen to somebody spout more and more of this shite at you.


Dog
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I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[nowhere.elysium]

Touching base really boils my piss. Leave my base alone, you overpaid suit.
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'10 SV650SF, '83 GS650GT (it lives!), Questionable DIY dash project, 3D Printer project, Lasercutter project

[UnknownStuntm...]

There's a Jaguar advert played on Planet Rock pretty much every other minute at the moment.

"Jaguar. Innovative, subductive performance."

Seriously, they've hooked in to this corporate hogwash and are hoping the management wanabees lap it up and buy their tired looking penis replacements...

Wonder how much an innovative subductive wing mirror costs?

[Andy_Pagin]

[mitch1]