Help me cope?

[2E]

I've been really stressed lately and i'd really like to know how to cope with things.

The stress actually got so bad that last monday i collapsed at work with what the doctor called 'Stress Induced Cardiac Arrest' although this was NOT a heart attack, apparently i had strained the cardiac muscles somehow (i do alot of heavy lifting at work) and been so stressed i had ignored the pain until they were literally pressing against my ribs etc causing me to black out and go into shock!

So Im stressed atm both physically and emotionally and heres why:

I broke up with my fiance in february, we have a 3 year old daughter together and its been hard trying to move on.
I made mistakes over a 2 year period where i was a lazy jobless bum who couldnt be arsed.. i dont have an excuse and have tried to make up for it by getting a job and holding it down for the last year.. I also lost alot of weight and have my driving test booked for the end of the month now.

Since me and my ex split i just feel empty, I have been out dating and moving on and have found myself with a new girl, when im with her i feel better and dont think about my ex at all but she has commitments elsewhere and with work etc i barely see her twice a week if im lucky.

My ex has also moved on, shes found the 'guy of her dreams' or at least her MOTHERS dreams. Yes i know that sounds whiny but its true, her mother is quite possibly the most conniving interferering woman you could ever meet, she would actually say stuff like 'I always wanted my daughter to meet a rich brain surgeon but i guess you can't help who they fall in love with' to your face.
Also when me and my family told them their daughter was pregnant (as she was terrified) her first words were 'Don't worry, we can get rid of it'.

Anyway the new guy has everything over me, hes some sort of electrical guru, circuitboards on airplanes and all sorts, buys new cars like we buy petrol you know, nothing to look at mind you (and i know im no spring chicken myself but seriously) I went to see my daughter tonight and he turnt up to see my ex and we talked (im a pretty laid back civil kinda guy i hold no grudge against him really) and i could see my ex looking up at him with £££££ symbols in her eyes!

Thing is, she was never like that, her parents like to think they are posh but they really aren't, her mother works for a electricity company as a telephone operator and her dads a postman, and her bf is one of the engineers for the electricity company her mum works at and SHE (obviously) introduced them.
Her mother has never liked the fact that I am a 'council house' boy.

I thought it would be a rebound relationship and just left it, but after seeing it now im not so sure, I would love to get back with her, Its hard being apart especially when i have to talk to her for our daughter. Any ideas of things i could do to win her back or convince her that this guy isn't the guy for her??

Anyway, other than that im stressed out because of work/home.
Basically im living with my mum/step-dad atm, and this house has been getting to me, there used to be a little lean-to that i would park my bike under in the garden and they took that down to stick a shed up in its place, so i put my bike out under cover, then the dogs ripped the cover so now its open to the elements.
Other than that the bloody dogs are a nightmare, we had one rescue who was manageable then my step-brother and his girlfriend moved in and suddenly my parents moved their room downstairs to give them the biggest room in the house! Ok im a single man in a double room but space is pretty tight particularly when i have the travelcot up for when my daughter stays over.

Added to that that my SB's girlfriend is rather rude, constantly thinks she knows best and tells me how to bring my daughter up etc etc. Shes about 17 whereas im 24 so a bit of respect wouldn't be a big ask would it? Then they both bought a puppy which she is at college most of the time and my SB works so its just left to my mum/us when we are in to clean up after it when it pisses/shits in the house! Now they have had words with them so they are taking him out more or just releasing him into the garden which means I have to play the game of 'avoid all the dogshit in the garden whilst wheeling the bike out' first thing in the morning!

Finally.. (you awake at the back?) shes PREGNANT, yep I guessed due to the fact she was being sick in the mornings but apparently everyone knew anyway they just didnt say nowt because she had a condition which meant she could of miscarried blahblah.. point is she doesn't work, he hardly brings in a hardy income (hes a tyrefitter) and they have a puppy who we just discovered has a problem with one of his joints (£300 vet bill for that) so you tell me how they going to manage.

Lastly, my family take the piss alot when it comes to free labour, by trade i was a computer engineer, i can rip computers apart, troubleshoot them and fix majority of problems, i got Microsoft Certified in 2008 and wanted to follow that as a career but the markets too oversaturated so theres always someone justthatlittlebitmorequalifiedthanyou out there.
They buy pcs or get given stuff on the pure pretence that I WILL fix it, for free, because thats what i do.

When i refuse, they say 'well we will just switch the internet off then' or other juvenile threats until i take the time out to sort it.
I really want to move out, but im not sure about financing my own place.

My take home wage atm is about a grand a month.
Out of that i currently pay:
£250 a month rent for the room/bills
£140 a month loan repayment
£50 a month insurance
£50 a month phone contract
£100 a month child maintenance to the ex (altho i voluntarily do this to shut her mother up)

I wouldn't say i struggle for money really and i have my luxuries i suppose, a xbox, a lcd tv as a monitor, ive worked hard and earnt these, the loan was for my bike, I needed to get to work for when the trains aren't running, in truth its too much for what i need so I'd like to sell it, and i'd really prefer having my car license.



So basically i want advice on the following:

1. How to get over a breakup or preferably rekindle the romance (we are on good talking terms?)?

2. How to manage the finances so I can afford to get my own place?

3. How to ignore my home problems and not get stressed out about them?


Thanks
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Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[Codemonkey]

1) If you have about £400 per month left over you can afford to pay the loan off quicker, do it.
2) Get a cheaper phone contract. £50 is excessive!
3) Move out.
4) Forget about your ex. She's moved on and found someone who can provide her and your child a better standard of living. I doubt she's going to give that up for someone who lives with his mum.

Harsh reality I'm afraid but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start enjoying life.
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Test Passed 10/05/2011 Current bike: XJ6-N

[Paris2]

1. You can't. She has to realise that she made the wrong decision in choosing him. If you force her to choose she will resent you for it. And it's her choice whether she is after money or not, her choice let her make it.

2. Your finances seem ok at the moment. Though whilst you are living with parents try to save any money you can.

3. Moving out, with that sort of income (similar to mine) you will only be able to afford a house share. Maybe look into that, if you find the right house it will mean new friends and a new social life. Which will be enough excitement to make you forget your stress.

In regards to stress, a great reliever is exercise. So try doing some in the evenings, it's a good way to get out of the house for a bit too. And will make you healthier and feel better all round.
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Current Ride: Daytona 600

[2E]

[Fowlersrs]

Regarding the home situation and people taking the piss with regards to your skills, let me tell you something, you must say no as much as u can to free private work, its a matter of having some respect for people.. people will use you because u have a talent they dont because u give in too easy and do things for nothing...

everyone these days is after everything and they dont want to pay a penny for it, if a realistic price at all.. Im a heating engineer by trade and I fell out with my gf parents after doing work for them and then they basically accused me of ripping them off because I wanted paying a fair price for the work id done..

the easier thing is to say no in the first place, then u dont get in this situation..

have u considered using your skills in this area to make u some more money, or maybe even make something of yourself... as your finding out, IT is a skill not everyone has...

[G]

[edit - you've answered some of the points since I started writing.]
Even where you are, can probably get a room in a shared house for what you're paying or not too much more. Have a look on easyroommate, gumtree etc.
Is there any other benefits to living at your parents house? It seems to be a big problem for you generally. Free food and the like however may make it a decent bit better 'benefit'.

Do your parents perhaps consider that they're doing you a favour, so expect you to fix their stuff. In most situations where you live with other people you find some people will do more for that 'community' that others. And often some will be always asking others to do more. You could always start asking people to do you some favours in return - "oh, while I'm doing this, could you clear up the dog mess from the path, cheers".
Even and perhaps especially with family it's worth having some predetermined and written down rules stating exactly what is expected.

If you're stuck on staying in the house for the moment, try and make it so you don't have to interact with people so much.
Though this may cause some friction; I've got my (single) bedroom setup now with a lifting double bed and desk/sofa underneath so I can hide away from people there in comfort.

Probably too late for your current phone, but obviously there's no real need for a £50 phone contract - you can get a perfectly usable phone for a whole lot less.
I presume you're still in the lock-in period. Get it reduced and consider giff-gaff as soon as you're out.

Don't give up on IT job. Keep applying.
When did you last work in IT? Could you look at some further learning?
Also consider how you can put yourself further up the list in other ways. For instance doing some appropriate work for a charity so you've got some recent experience in the area - might even get you some useful 'networking' in!

[swampy]

Cant offer much help with the other stuff, but the first thing I can suggest you do is change your doctor..
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"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S Thompson
"Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death..." Hunter S Thompson

[andrew]

[Kwaks]

[Sload]

So basically i want advice on the following:

1. How to get over a breakup or preferably rekindle the romance (we are on good talking terms?)?

Get over it you cant, so don't beat yourself up anymore. Without knowing you in more detail you languished on hope for a few years and she got wise and moved on. All you can do here is look to improve your own position and outlook, stay on good terms and who knows what the future holds.

2. How to manage the finances so I can afford to get my own place?

Very hard on your income. Look to improving your lifestyle, opportunities and outlook. You are working on a low budget that wont really release enough even if you cut it to shreds, you need to increase your income.

3. How to ignore my home problems and not get stressed out about them?

Its all in your head, only you can fix that by realigning your own attitude.

Basically get off your arse and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Might sound brutal but it sometimes really is as simple as that. Try to look for things you enjoy and do it dont just think about it (murder etc not inclusive).

Edit to add, your only 24, get a bloody grip. Unless you are a complete spacktard which I doubt due to your literacy ability then you still have plenty of prospects.
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Honda Varadero >> Triumph Speed Four >> Honda CBR1100xx

[Ayrton]

£50 is rather excessive for a phone contract. Its quite funny how you say you dont have much money, yet you have a iphone and are paying stupid money just to use it.

[G]

To be fair that's why he doesn't have much money partly.
In the past when I've been in a well paying job and moaning about having no money people have said "but you've got loads of stuff" - and of course I've explained that's exactly why I don't have money, because I spent it!

As soon as I saw £50 I presumed iphone; they're stupidly expensive on contract.
Could try and sell the phone of course, but probably not worth it now.

Maybe find someone with a S2 or whatever and see if they want a swap with money your way? Though at £50 per month, it's not going to make a massive dent in it (£1200 for a 24 month contract ).

[_Troy_]

I can't offer any more advice other than what's been said.

Just keep your chin up, life isn't that bad. Your phone contract is excessive, but is actually the same sort of price as mine. (Annoyingly i NEED an iPhone or similar for my job.)

The best way to get your ex interested would be to get on with your life, get fit, get some money in the bank and just be happy. If it's meant to be, she'll see you for the better man and blah blah blah. Or you'll find someone better along the way...
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Current bike: ZX6R J1
Previous bikes: CLR 125 | GS500 | ZX6R G2 | SV650

[AL-]

£50 a month on a phone

[_Troy_]

[AL-]

[hellkat]

I'm sorry to hear about the SICA, that can't have been nice.
But you need to reduce stress levels, and there are two quite blatant things you can do about that right now:

[Stonefly]

[G]

As for Fowlersrs, I think it depends on a lot of things.

For instance would his girlfriend's parents have been happy to do him some work in their area of expertise for nowt?
Have they already done what they consider to be plenty to help him?

I generally will expect to do things for friends for free/reduced rate on the basis they are 'friends'.
I will certainly make sure we agree on a price beforehand and both parties are happy.
Recently I did some work on a bike and sold it to a friend. Turned out biking wasn't for them and they wanted to sell it on again. They weren't impressed when they sold it for less than they paid me by a good chunk less (mostly due to very poor advertising I'd say).
However it meant I could stand firm and point out that not only had we agreed before hand, but amusingly enough I'd suggested that they look elsewhere and not buy from me.

Troy - can get a non-apple smart phone for a hell of a lot less.
Would agree, if it turns out she is a bit of a gold-digger, then the trick is to get some gold . But you have to question if, however happy it will seemingly make you in the short term, you want your life to go that way. As there may be someone else with more gold along next week.

[Ayrton]

I think everyone is right, get some money in the bank and your Ex will come running back to you once you show her how much of an idiot her boyfriend is.

Best to just get on with your life for now. When was the last time you tried applying for the IT related jobs?

[2E]

Haven't applied for it jobs for a fair few years I have experience and some qualifications in it but probably only to about a IT help desk type role.

As for the new girl she's not 'commited' elsewhere as in married or cheating, I meant that she has family and pets to care for so I don't see her as often as I'd like but saying that she seems keen.


Thanks for the help and pms guys and girls feeling better already.
____________________
Bringing Classic Bikes Back Into Fashion
Rides: 1980 Honda CX500

[Bomberman]

[killa]

I can relate to a lot of this and it sounds like the extra issues that are on the back burner would be of next to no importance had you still had the relationship with the ex.
2010 my fiancé broke up with me, she had met a good guy that didn’t hold all of the baggage that 7.5 years can carry. That was the excuse she needed and now over a year later i can clearly see it was better for the both of us.
You need to gain some power back 2E, some personal power that can be obtained by starting off with sorting the little things and turning it into a one man wreaking machine. The mistakes you made when being a bum and taking it all for granted should be a forgotten attitude, manifest the good shit mate, think about what you need, chip away at it and keep moving forward.

As for the ex, keep it cool and make sure no negative shit gets banded back and forth in front of the kid, that has lasting effects later on that you don’t need worry about. So when you have to keep your mouth shut about a lot of things, as said earlier, get training in something...swimming, cycling...something you can go easy with at first...OBVIOUSLY take advice from medical professionals about when you can crack on with something like that, due to your current state. That will relieve some of the pent up stress inside and that’s a fact, be straight talking though, sometimes blunt, you’ll thank yourself for it later.
Her mum comes from a generation far removed from this one, where cigarettes made you stronger and black people belonged in the jungle...fuck her...fuck everything she says and if there’s more than an ounce of that attitude in your ex, fuck her too. If ‘the new guy’ so much as drops a hint he’s got you figured or offers advice, tell him to shove it up his arse...all the riches can’t buy you integrity and you don’t need any more drama queens in your life.

Lastly, the home situation needs a change i guess, look at all of your options. Sounds like you’d prefer a good spot for the bike so you don’t worry about it. For the time being look for something that caters for that and get yourself a tidy little den to work out the plan for the next 6 months, because in 6 months, this situation will be wildly different and who knows, the girl of your dreams might appear from nowhere.

Good luck
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Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Bike:- Yamaha TRX850 | Killas Biking History | Killas Gaming History | Killas autmotive history

[Alpha-9]

1. How to get over a breakup or preferably rekindle the romance (we are on good talking terms?)?
Actually break up. Cut contact, don't hang around like a clingy puppy. Get over it.

2. How to manage the finances so I can afford to get my own place?
Spend less, save more.

3. How to ignore my home problems and not get stressed out about them?
At first I typed 'ignore them' but more sensible advice is to deal with them, ignoring problems doesn't make them go away you know
[/b]
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Fzr-600 1999

[Bomberman]