Dealing with difficult relations

[Benno]

My aunt has not had a good life. She is 50 and now lives with her father, my grandfather, and I am temporarily living with them here in London. She is unpredictable and quick to anger. Right now she seems to be yelling at my grandfather (who had gone to bed about an hour ago).

Her behaviour towards me varies hugely. Sometimes she is nice. Sometimes she is very ominous - she asked me earlier (after, an hour or so before, she had stopped me from coming downstairs because they were having a "private conversation") if I had any idea "what is going on in this house". I had no idea and she told me I was clueless.

My grandfather told me afterwards that it's her, she's upset, she hasn't had a great life, not that it's because she is furious at him for letting me live here (which is what I thought, but apparently she is just always like this).


There is an empty bottle of wine on the table downstairs, which I'm told is a warning sign and probably why she's yelling at her 85 year old father as he lies in bed right now.


So my questions are

- Should I go and intervene/ask if everything is OK? So far I've tried to not get involved in 'internal affairs' and acted all innocent and naive, and been very cheerful with them both, hence she calls me clueless.

- How do you respond to an irrational, angry, persistent, probably quite drunk person? When there is no escape?


EDIT: I should make clear, she has a semi-frequent habit of getting drunk and going on rants and not letting you get away. Even if she doesn't literally stop you leaving, she often does it late at night when there is nowhere to go/no excuse to leave.
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I'm autistic. That means I'm smarter than you.

[G]

Who pays for what?

At 50 there's still a lot of life to be had, but many aren't so interested in having it.

[kerr]

Get the fuck out, better yet take your grandad with you before she does something nasty in a drunken rage.
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aprilia 125 Af1 Futura >> Suzuki gsxr 600 srad >> J1 zx6r >> cbr 600rr >> Speed Triple

[Benno]

[G]

Pretty much anything fits the definition of abuse.

Does she support your grandad at all?

It does sound like Kerr is on the right tack.

If it's an ongoing thing, I'd keep a step back for the moment before jumping in.
If it's just started since you've arrived, then you MAY prevent damage by jumping in now - though this doesn't seem like a situation where there will be winners, just some losing less!

[Lord Percy]

I guess it 100% entirely depends on the sort of relationship going on.

From my perspective, just sat here looking at a computer screen, I can easily imagine just walking on in and coolly seeing what's going on, and defusing the situation somehow.

But probably in reality, once firmly embedded into the way things are, it's probably a whole different story.

I guess I'll end this post by saying that in the end you know as well as we do that it's your call really.

Maybe think about how the old geezer feels about it all, and how he would actually feel if you intervened in some way, whether futile or not.

[Benno]

If I intervene I know that she will spiral out of control and it will become an absolute ragestorm, though. Much worse than it is now. It's happened before - every other time the only way out of a situation with her is silence, agree with her if possible, don't say anything that will anger her more because then she will just go on for longer...she is utterly irrational.

No she doesn't support him...there's nothing she can do. He's still in good health.

I don't want to do anything without asking him about it first, but I can't do that until tomorrow. Meanwhile she has just this moment stormed back into his room and started ranting again, opening with "I don't mind pretending we're a family", and I didn't catch anything else.

Looks like I may be at least a part of the subject matter...

EDIT; now she's chased him past my room saying something about Afghanistan...
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I'm autistic. That means I'm smarter than you.

[kerr]

Intervene NOW, an old man shouldnt have to endure that, daughter or not, if your scared of her phone the police.
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aprilia 125 Af1 Futura >> Suzuki gsxr 600 srad >> J1 zx6r >> cbr 600rr >> Speed Triple

[Rigga]

Yeah almost sounds like physical abuse. Family or not no pensioner should have to endure that shit.
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Current bike: Honda CBR 1100xx

[Benno]

Well I called the landline on my mobile and he picked up, I asked him if he wanted me to come and talk to her and he told me to just wait it out until tomorrow...he knows that if I do it will achieve nothing except make her turn against me and prolong the whole thing.

I'm only just starting to realise what my family have been talking about for so long, she's tearing us to pieces but nobody has any idea what to do with her. She's 50 years old with no job experience and nowhere to go. This is a long term problem and I'm not the one to solve it. Without meaning to be rude, especially since I am aware that *I* started a thread asking for help, I'm realising this issue may be beyond any advice I can receive. The answer may seem obvious but its implementation just isn't feasible. She has nowhere to go, and he can't be turfed out of his own home.
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I'm autistic. That means I'm smarter than you.

[G]

So it's his house?

Actually, yes she CAN be turfed out of her dads home.

I'd be tempted to, at some point, do what my parents did to me when I was 3 (albeit on a taper recorder then) and record her misbehaving and play it back when she's sobre.

If she staying at his grace it should be his house rules or she sorts it out herself.

Doesn't sound like the end of the world if she ends up hating you .

[Benno]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Sounds like you've found yourself in the middle of a long-standing situation, so there'll be no easy fix. Awful as it sounds, your Grandad will have divided loyalties and while he'll want it all to stop, she is his daughter. Family dynamics are often a mystery even to those involved.

Her "bad" life is no excuse, she's obviously got inlligence but there are other demons at work.

If you can talk to your Grandad about it then do, but maybe you can talk to other family members about what you've witnessed. Whichever parent is her sibling would be a good start. At least then you'll have some support.

All the best.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[J.M.]

I don't understand these family values even a little bit. If someone treats me like she's treating your grandad, they can fuck right off. Family doesn't have a right to be a part of your life, in my eyes they have to earn it like everybody else.

She needs sorting out or kicking out, it's unfair on your grandad. He sounds as if he will just sit there and take it for the rest of his days unless somebody intervenes
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2004 R1 & 2018 XSR900

[G]

There's no doubt a street outside your house somewhere.

She can go there.

The rest is not the problem of anyone that's been treated like that.

There are plenty of places that will offer a room to such people.
May make the situation worse for her being surrounded by similar people. Or may make it better when she finds other people will fight back and may well give her a warning and chuck her out.

One of my aunts was like you describe to some degree, though less abusive.

She was very pretty in her younger years and got by using this to find rich blokes to support her - she was quite intelligent too.
However, as she got older all the smoking and alcoholism (she lived above a cheap booze shop, which had banned her because she owed them too much money) too, their toll and she died of lung cancer. Not aware of her ever having had a 'real' job.

[Rogerborg]

Short term:
https://cdn.macado.com/assets/2010/08/slap.jpg

Long term:
How capable is your grandad? Does she effectively look after him, and if so, are you volunteering to do it if you kick her out?

Kicking her out is as simple as it sounds. Wait until she goes out or just physically eject her, lock the door, and throw her stuff out of the window. Call Dibble and film her having a rage fit, best case is they bag her for public order and you can get the locks changed. Don't open the door or let anyone in, including coppers. It's not your problem what happens to her, you can't fix broken people who won't recognise that they have a problem.
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[kerr]

So she is just a freeloader who gets away with treating people like shite by using her "but iv had a hard life" card, how has she had a hard life? or can she play the victim very well.
The only victim here from what i can see is your grandad, and it is paramount that you, or at least somone in the family grows a pair and stands up to her, she needs an ultimatum, either get help, or get to fuck it really is as simple as that, the poor guy will soon (if not already) slip into depression having to deal with that day in day out.
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aprilia 125 Af1 Futura >> Suzuki gsxr 600 srad >> J1 zx6r >> cbr 600rr >> Speed Triple

[N cee thirty]

Give her a fucking good bollocking
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'00 Aprilia RS50 > '92 Honda CG > '99 Yamaha Fazer > '91 Yamaha RXS > '79 Suzuki X5 > 01' Honda Cg > 07' Honda Cg > 82' Kawasaki Z200 > suzuki gsxr 400 gk73a > honda vfr 400 NC30 Mod 2 Passed 09/06/2011

Jewlio Iglesias wrote: I actually did vote BNP once

[Benno]

Well I went to bed at half past 3 last night, it was still going on, but I had had enough and wanted to sleep. At this point I had been warned explicitly not to intervene.

After speaking with the family I'm probably going to have to move back to Devon after Christmas which is going to hamper my job hunting efforts, AND it will mean I will have to transfer to a new army reserves unit when I'm half way through my training and maybe even have to retrain. Also it's bloody lonely out in Devon

At 5am she took an overdose of pills and passed out, but she didn't die.
I will keep my personal thoughts on that to myself for now, but I will go so far as to say I'm not upset.

I don't want to sound like a disgustingly selfish brat but these really are my thoughts.

Honestly he is totally capable of looking after himself. But he won't kick her out, I don't think. She is just going to drive him into the ground.
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I'm autistic. That means I'm smarter than you.

[anthony_r6]

[G]

Or get a job and get your own place?

If you haven't got a job, even as youngster the government will still cough up for a room in a shared house.
Won't be a nice bit of London sure, but away from that situation at least.

[bEN_]

I've got an Aunt of similar age to yours and is also crazy and irrational and also feels the need to phone my mum up well after midnight when she's had a few and then rants on about old family arguments and issues that should have been dead and buried years ago, and for some reason my mum puts up with it, tries to reason with her then gets all stressed afterwards, thus affecting the whole family.

i don't talk to her or my cousin who is my age, because we have nothing in common so i've never tried to force it just "because we are family" to me it doesn't mean we have to pretend to like each other or comment on facebook pics etc

it sounds like if you do intervene she'll immediately get very defensive and aggressive and you'll be forever another person she can dump her problems on, i know a few people like this who i just avoid.

Why is it some people don't understand that everyone has their own burdens to deal with? and they think it's a good idea to dump theirs on someone else.


family. ... ... ....
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2010 Ducati 848 Dark

Lamp Post Enthusiast

[G]

Also - Of course, you could play her at her own game.

Go in at 8am when she's hungover and start shouting abuse at her.
Keep doing it and see if you get chucked out .

Ok, not really fair on other family.

[kerr]

[kerr]

Double post.
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aprilia 125 Af1 Futura >> Suzuki gsxr 600 srad >> J1 zx6r >> cbr 600rr >> Speed Triple