My wife won't trust my mum with our baby.

[1cyl]

Title says it all really. In many ways I love how protective my wife is over our Baby. But she just won't budge on this one. She's very close to her mum, who naturally has played a substantial role in the life of our 5 month old, and baby sitted on several occasions.
But its starting to irritate me how little responsibility she's willing to bestow on my mum, who has tried to get involved, and whom I've tried to enlist for the odd hour or so here and there, but to which my other half keeps postponing or making excuses, and utilising her family. Then an argument will begin to manifest as I feel my mum needs to start somewhere to demostrate shes capable (which my wife thinks she isnt) and build the trust. However, so far it's a big consistent NO, and at this rate it'll still be the same when my daughters 5 years. Furthermore, if my wife doesn't think my mums capable on her own, where does that stand me?! "Perhaps I'd better not be left alone either, as I'm very much a chip off the old block!" I say, which of course doesn't help!

My mum is very different to my mother in law as you might expect, she had 2 boys (mother in law had 3 daughters and a son) she still works, unlike her, and has a closer relationship with my idiot brother who still lives with her and acts like he's 18 despite having a 3year old son and being 24. She can also be thoughtless and difficult which frustrates my wife. But I think it's important for my daughter to experience her company in life because in my view she has many good qualitys and life experiences to bring to her table that my mother in law is lacking.

And ultimately if the love of my life doesn't learn to trust someone else with our child that will keep her very sheltered. A quote from South West 9 springs to mind:
"Too much motherly love and they turn into mindless fuqwits"

O wise ole BCF, have you ever experienced such domestic conundrums? Could you offer me a solution that works for all involved?
Should I keep pushing to breaking point? or just give it another 5 months and then force the subject again with my other half. Or wash my hands and accept that even my 12 year old sister in law is bound to have more quality 1 on 1 time with my daughter over the next few years than my own mother will .

Cheers. An I know I should be on mumsnet, but Fuq dat Shiit!
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[pinkyfloyd]

Simples, you say to her:

Well my mother raised me and I am perfectly fine.

When she snorts, scoffs or has a dig just calmly say.

Cant be that bad, you married me!


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illuminateTHEmind wrote: I am just more evolved than most of you guys... this allows me to pick of things quickly which would have normally taken the common man years to master
Hockeystorm65:.well there are childish arguments...there are very childish arguments.....there are really stupid childish arguments and now there are......Pinkfloyd arguments!
Teflon-Mike:I think I agree with just about all Pinky has said.

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

What is it, precisely, that your wife does not trust about your mother? If you cannot answer this question clearly then it would seem that either you and, or, your wife are not communicating properly. Only when you - and thus we - have a clear answer to this can we assess if your wife's concerns are rational and grounded.

Having said that, on the scant evidence we have to go on, it does seem that your wife is being a bit unreasonable. I would want concise, clear reasoning or else I'd be getting pretty fucked off with her.
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[James83]

Tell her you are no longer comfortable with her mother watching your child either.
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Jonathan A wrote: tart.

[jeddy11]

It sounds like she is making all the rules, its your decision too and from my limited experience with women they always lean towards their own family and push yours out definitely with kids but with other stuff also...

How to fix this i do not know but be strong..
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[slowlydoesit]

[hellkat]

OP: You're tangling a LOT of unresolved stuff in that first post, which is clouding the single issue of the title of your post.

First off, take your feelings about how your wife may or may not feel about you OUT OF THE EQUATION ("if she thinks like this about my mum, what does that make her think about my capabilities?"). It's simply not relevant to the problem right now.

But which, by the way is actually a communication issue between you and your wife directly, not us. And certainly not for right now.

As Trevor points out:

[recman]

The wife and I are the ones in the same position as the op's mother-in-law here.
If there's any babysitting to do, we're always the ones who are asked which is fine by us of course as it means we see a fair bit of the little 'un.
If we can't do it for whatever reason, it doesn't happen.
I've asked why this is and why the baby can't be left with his mum and the reply was, "Sod that!". I don't know if the dad is bothered or not tbh.

Maybe she'll let others babysit when the tot becomes less dependant in the future but for now I'm not gonna argue.

[Benjums]

Hey op, my wife and I are struggling with my parents a bit as well but in the opposite way you are, ie my parents have my brothers 2 kids at least twice a week but rarely have mine (admittedly my brother is in the forces so is away quite a bit, so I can understand the help when he is away but it's exactly the same when he is home) anyway that's enough of my story back to your problem.
Do you visit your mum that much with your wife and baby? Or is it just the odd hour here and there with most of the visiting done to her parents?
If that's the case maybe you could try lengthening your visits to your mums, but not in a big jump from 1 hour a week to ten hours, just try increasing it slowly, from said hour to maybe a couple of hours a week and slowly building up from there?
Hopefully then your wife will come around to the idea. I can see your frustration with your wife and her parents but to state the obvious she has known them the longest and has more trust in them, but if you come out with the "my mum raised me ok argument" you will just push her closer to her parents and she will dig her heels in.
Doing things slowly may not be your quick fix but hopefully it will help in the future and make things easier.

Good luck.

[CaNsA]

I'd be posting this thread on Mumsnet, not a motorbike forum full of unstable potential organ donors.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Benjums gives good advice. No amount of trying to convince your wife of your Mum's or anyone else's capabilities will work. That's not what this is about, a new Mum is subconsciously programmed to think that the world can't and won't protect her baby like she can.

I was guilted into letting my MiL look after my firstborn, for one afternoon a week. I HATED it and was always waiting for her to slip up, which she eventually did (by being late one time!) giving me the excuse to cut her out all over again.

Best to concentrate on cementing the relationship between your wife and your Mum, so that trust can develop naturally. You can't force it, trust me.
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[Chalky.]

You could tell her not to worry too much, and if your mum did end up breaking it, you could always make another?

[1cyl]

Thanks folks for your views. After a day at work and reading them i do feel a bit better about it. Yes Benjums, you are correct to assume its just odd short visits with my mum. And i have tried hellkat to arrange at least one a week, but its usually less than that as its unlikely to happen if i don't arrange it, and I work the most. When it does happen, it has more than once become a difficult/tense scenario, as mother will likely say something thoughtless, or hold the baby "wrong" and before I know it, wife's got a look of fury/resentment that I know she'll vent at me later. Also from the start to finish i can see my mum is nervous and cant relax/enjoy because shes being watched like a hawk. Which is why i think it would be better for all party's if it was just grandmother and baby for a bit. But your right folks I must persist and remember that trust takes years to earn.

I love my wife very much, and i certainly wont be confronting her again tonight as I would like some dinner when I get in, i shall stirive to make peace. I just wish i could get her to release her grip on our daughter just a tad, and accept that the world is not like the womb, step out of her comfort zone just once maybe, as i think it would also do her good, and I fear the longer she leaves it the harder it will be too.
Naturally shes so attached to our first born (you were correct slowlydoesit) i swear she struggles to trust even me for a couple of hours without her. In addition to this, and to answer trevsax: she feels that my mum has too much going on in her life, which is true (but not to the extent that she couldn't look after a 5 month old for an hour), that shes to ill equipped in mind set, (whatever that means), and has not made enough effort to see our daughter so hasn't "earned" any 1 on 1 time, which I guess i can understand, but its a bit of a catch 22, if my wife is finding it hard to open the door to her, so to speak.

I defended mum by reiterating that shes quiet efficient, in that she tends only to focus her time and energy on making money and solving life's problems. Things that she considers to be self sufficient or entirely autonomous she subconciously devotes little time too (like me and my new family), as well as things she considers to be less important such as housekeeping (although with 3 men and a dog for 20+ years you can understand how she might have given up on a loosing battle there ). Of course the dirt and neglect never did me any harm (brother, clearly) over the years, but these are very much sticking points with my other half, as she and her family are bordering OCD clean freaks, serious sense and emotion offenders, major chatterboxes, and like to preach how money can't by happiness or love .
Which leads me to another old and deeper issue that nearly always rears its head when we disagree. My Mum gave us a 5 figure deposit for our house in 2010 which has set us up for a very good quality of life. Sadly tho, my in laws havent ever had to rub together. And as gracious as she is, this unfortunately gave my wife a permanent chip on her shoulder, she'll argue that her family have given 10x that deposit "in kind" over the last 4 years, which must be true if i'm near sick of seeing them! But I just can't help feeling like my mum hasnt had much bang for her buck, and deserves at least a little more quality time with her granddaughter.

My wife insists that when she goes back to work in December and our daughter has moved on to solids, my mum will get to do her "share" of child care. And i know if i stick to making the "supervised visits" happen, and try and kindle a relationship between my mum and wife, then shes unlikely to go back on her word.
But it just saddens me as I feel the "now" is the most precious time, as by then, She'll be a year old and my mum may have missed so much.

Cheers again for replys to my tail of woe. This thread will be a nice little reminder for me on what to focus on over the coming months and at least no ones terminally ill hey?! I know I'm a very fortunate boy as they are all very good people and I'm lucky to have such a family. (swallows hard before stating) - in laws included.
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Chase my Witch up, Catch my Snitch up.
The SMC | The Pit | Stable

[Benjums]

How about getting your mum to pop over to yours? In maybe a surprised visit kind of way? Also possibly pop round to your mums and have a chat with her about the way she says things infront of your wife, I know you don't want your mum to change and neither should she but just to play the game infront of your wife

[Clanger]

How about taking the baby out of the equation and suggest your Mum and your wife spend some quality time together, just getting to know each other. Get your Mum to visit at your place and take it from there. Then suggest your Mum, your wife and baby spend quality time together, just the three of them.

Let the two women build up a relationship, let your wife see your Mum and baby interact.

It might turn out your wife isn't against your Mum per se. More that she feels safer with her own Mum because she knows her better.

You also call your brother 'your idiot brother' and say he lives with your Mum. It might be that your wife doesn't fancy the idea of her baby being in that household. Who knows until you two sit down and work out what it is that is the issue.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[nickyboy4]

You need to start acting like a man and stop being bossed around-that's it!

[Llama-Farmer]

It sounds like she is being overprotective, but that isn't necessarily her fault.

A mothers protection is one of the strongest and most primitive instincts. We may have evolved as humans, but not that much. The only way we made it this far is by mothers protecting their young, to continue the survival of the human race. The world back then was survival of the fittest, and there were bigger, stronger things out there to kill us, not like it is now.


Small changes, try to get to the root of her feelings, without having a go at her. Invite your mother round for a whole day, maybe go to the park or something, allow her to interact with your kid whilst still being overseen by your wife. It might put her at ease a bit to see without interfering.


Maybe though your wife things she can protect the little un from all harm in the world. But she'd be wrong. Maybe she'll learn the hard way.

I remember looking after my gf's (at the time) foster/adopted brother, he was 2 or 3 at the time I think, so I was about 18. And I took him to the park and we played some football and fed the ducks. Then I was chatting to someone in the playground and he fell off the slide and split his head open. I took him to hospital and called my ex's parents and explained and they said they'd get down there straight away. I was panicking, thought they'd never trust me again, and I'd never be trusted to look after him, I thought they'd be mad, so my gf would be mad, it might be the end of us. Poor kid could end up with a big permanent scar on his forehead & face, may be so terrified of the park he never wants to go again, all these thoughts rushing through my head. The doc and nurses did their best to put me at ease but wasn't much help. Then when I saw my ex's parents at the end of the corridor in the hospital I just braced myself for the "how could you let this happen" etc.

And it never came. All they said was "how are YOU?"
All I could do was just about string together an "I'm sorry, I just looked away for a few seconds"

They never held it against me. With 3 kids of their own, fostered another 4 young kids before, they were used to it.
"Kids will be kids, and no matter what you do they will get hurt" is what they said.
Sometimes quite badly hurt. And you can't blame yourself, and you can't blame anyone else.



Maybe THAT is what your wife doesn't realise, that nothing she or anyone else does will stop your kid getting hurt. And maybe she will eventually realise it.

Or maybe it isn't at all, maybe she just is being unreasonable or for some reason has a grudge against your mother manifesting itself as lack of trust.
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[hellkat]

Corrrrr, give that larmafarmer geezer a ceremonial philosophical cigar of the month award. Excellent.

He's right, though.
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