Update: Joke help?! - Wedding reading at civil service

[Visitor Q]

UPDATE:

Going with Rudyard Kipling's "If", because fuck finding other things. I have been informed I must include"married" in to the final line. I may 'forget' that.

But, in addition to a little joke at he beginning, I would like to read out a translated "confucious say... " joke, in Chinese first, then read it in English. Bear in mind my whole family are very tame, so can't do any thing too naughty.

These are the short list of vaguely wedding/life related ones.

[UnknownStuntm...]

[stinkwheel]

Something by Burns? Fer a' that? You'd need the accent though.

EDIT: Or a variation on the speech from "Taken".
____________________
“Rule one: Always stick around for one more drink. That's when things happen. That's when you find out everything you want to know.”
I did the 2010 Round Britain Rally on my 350 Bullet. 89 landmarks, 3 months, 9,500 miles.

[Visitor Q]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Followed by

There was a young lady from etc, etc
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Motorhate]

In situations like this, I always ask myself "What would the Macc Lads do?". Why not try this jolly little ode called "Fluffy Pup"?

Well, I spent last night trying to chuck me bird,
She were clinging to me leg like a homesick turd,
I said your tits are too small and your legs are too short,
I want a fit bird from the Sunday Sport,
I can't hear me records when you sit on me face,
And then she mouths off in front of me mates,

But you told me that you loved me,
I never fucking did,
You used fer bring me flowers,
I said shut your fucking grid,
You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup,
You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up,
Now I've had enough, come on fuck off,
Get stuffed.

Well I took her one side, and we started chatting,
I said tell the lads that and I'll kick your twat in,
Now piss off back your mother's 'cos I've had enough,
Say another word, you'll get a boot up the chuff,
You're spotty and your ugly and you smaell like Billingsgate,
And then she mouths off in front of me mates...

But you told me that you loved me,
I never fucking did,
You used fer bring me flowers,
I said shut your fucking grid,
You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup,
You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up,
Now I've had enough, come on fuck off,
Get stuffed.

Well, I stormed off 'cos I were going crazy,
When I got to the chippy I had one foot in the gravy,
She got a seven foot dad,
Well just about,
And he was going to rip me liver out,
I said here you are grandad, your turn to hold her,
There's half a pint of gravy and a chip on me shoulder...

But you told me that you loved me,
I never fucking did,
You used fer bring me flowers,
Shut your fucking grid,
You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup,
You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up,
Now I've had enough, come on fuck off,
Get stuffed.

I said you can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up,
Now I've had enough, come on fuck off,
Get stuffed.
____________________
Current - Harley Davidson FXDB Street Bob | Harley Davidson FLTR Road Glide | Harley Davidson Road King
GONE - Honda CB500 Ratbike | Yamaha FZ750 | Yamaha XVS1100 | Kawasaki VN2000 | Kawasaki ER-6 F | Harley Davidson XL883L Sportster

[Rogerborg]

Mawwage.

Mawwage is what bwings us togetharrr, today.

Mawwage, that bwessed ahwangement, that dweam within a dweam.

And wuv, true wuv, will fowwow you forever. So tweasure your wuv...

[Skip to the end]

...Have you the wing?
____________________
Biking is 1/20th as dangerous as horse riding.
GONE: HN125-8, LF-250B, GPz 305, GPZ 500S, Burgman 400 // RIDING: F650GS (800 twin), Royal Enfield Bullet Electra 500 AVL, Ninja 250R because racebike

[Ariel Badger]

Anything from William s Burroughs.
this quote from Naked Lunch may set the evening off.

"Squatting on old bones and excrement and rusty iron, in a white blaze of heat, a panorama of naked idiots stretches to the horizon. Complete silence - their speech centres are destroyed - except for the crackle of sparks and the popping of singed flesh as they apply electrodes up and down the spine. White smoke of burning flesh hangs in the motionless air. A group of children have tied an idiot to a post with barbed wire and built a fire between his legs and stand watching with bestial curiosity as the flames lick his thighs. His flesh jerks in the fire with insect agony.”
____________________
Bikers make great organ donors, get 115 on your licence today.

[stinkwheel]

[Visitor Q]

[pa_broon74]

There's always Desiderata by Max Erhmann.

Mentions God in the last verse right enough but goes on to say 'who ever you choose him to be.'

Baz Luhrmann's Wear Sunscreen was a bit of a rip off of this poem.
____________________
Didn't catch anything.

[chris-red]

Perform your speech through the medium of Interpretive Dance.
____________________
Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
Skudd:- Perhaps she just thinks you are a window licker and is being nice just in case she becomes another Jill Dando.
WANTED:- Fujinon (Fuji) M42 (Screw on) lenses, let me know if you have anything.

[Robby]

We want this people to be faithful, and you must learn fidelity. We want this people to be obedient, and you must practice obedience. We want this people to be peace-loving but also courageous, and you must therefore be peace-loving and at the same time courageous. We do not want this people to grow soft, but we want it to be hard so that it will be able to withstand the hardships of life. And for this you have to harden yourselves in your youth. You must learn to be hard, to stand privations without breaking down. We want this people to love honor and you already in the days of your youth must live up to this concept of honor.

or

Truly, this earth is a trophy cup for the industrious man. And this rightly so, in the service of natural selection. He who does not possess the force to secure his Lebensraum in this world, and, if necessary, to enlarge it, does not deserve to possess the necessities of life. He must step aside and allow stronger peoples to pass him by.

[FriendlyEllis]

I read this at a friend wedding and everybody loved it...
Its called ALovely Love Story by Edward Monkton

Reading : A Lovely Love Story

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.

Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.

He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur.

She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.

She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of things.

Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur.

She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.

Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur.

For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides,

I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.

Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.

Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.
____________________
Honda CB600F Hornet 2013 -> Kawasaki Z1000SX ABS Tourer 2015

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

Cease not your dancing, ye lovely maidens! No game-spoiler hath come to you with evil eye, no enemy of maidens.

God's advocate am I with the devil: he, however, is the spirit of gravity. How could I, ye light-footed ones, be hostile to divine dances? Or to maidens' feet with fine ankles?

To be sure, I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.

And even the little God may he find, who is dearest to maidens: beside the well lieth he quietly, with closed eyes.

Verily, in broad daylight did he fall asleep, the sluggard! Had he perhaps chased butterflies too much?

Upbraid me not, ye beautiful dancers, when I chasten the little God somewhat! He will cry, certainly, and weep—but he is laughable even when weeping!

And with tears in his eyes shall he ask you for a dance; and I myself will sing a song to his dance:

A dance-song and satire on the spirit of gravity my supremest, powerfulest devil, who is said to be "lord of the world."—
____________________
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."

Mobylette Type 50 ---> Raleigh Grifter ---> Neval Minsk 125

[GhostRider]

Google "biker poem" and run with that.

Have a stooge planted ready to stand up and start slow-clapping once your finish.



GhostRider
____________________
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

[teech]

How a bit of Shakespeare eh?

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
____________________
In everyday life good people do good things, bad people do bad things. It takes religion to make a good person do bad things.

[daffy]

Im only here for the free beer and grub, when that's gone so am i?
____________________
2000 zx6r

a b be b1 c ce c1 c1e f k p 10m swimming

[Visitor Q]

As in the update, would anyone mind giving an opinion on the best (couple) of these to use as a post speech (Rudyard Kipling's If) warmer... I will get them translated to Chinese first, then read them out dead pan, then read the English version. Should be a bit of comic relief.

But it's a wedding for some very boring motherfuckers. So I can't go too naughty.

(Any other good one liners I can translate, in the same vein as this, would be appreciated too - Confucious or not)

[map]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

What about

Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day


____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Ste]

Can you rap?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGgYcIul3QA

[Skudd]

Are there any Brides maids?

(Brecht)

If a woman's hips are ample
Then I want her in the hay
Skirt and stockings all a-rumple
(Cheerfully) - for that's my way

If the woman bites in pleasure
Then I wipe it clean with hay
My mouth and her lap together
(Thoroughly) - for that's my way

If the woman goes on loving
When I feel too tired to play
I smile and go off waving
(Amiably) - for that's my way
____________________
Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Visitor Q]

[Visitor Q]

Reading went down /very/ well actually, so thanks for all those who offered advice even if it wasn't used, it was all read

Boom boom boom boom!
____________________
China traffic/travel bike vid - When I make a sweeping statement, please add the word 'statistically' in to the sentence before you bitch...
From September 2014 to January/February 2015 I will not be using any English, nor reading any. As such, I won't be on here. PM at will, but I won't be checking/posting unless in emergencies. Certainly not for the first couple of months. Please berate me savagely if I break that rule...