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The999Kid
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Joined: 11 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: 13:09 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

A burglar breaks into a house one night, and after spending several minutes looking around by torch light he hears a voice in the darkness...

"jesus is watching you!"

he has a look around, and after not finding anyone he continues to rifle through the drawers searching for anything valuable.

a few minutes later, the same voice once again cuts through the darkness..

"Jesus is watching you!"

again, the thief shines his torch around the room but finds no-one.

he resumes his searching of the house when for a 3rd the voice cries out..

"jesus is watching you!"

being rather annoyed at not finding the owner of the voice he flicks the light switch on the wall, to find a parrot sat on the top of the TV.

"are you jesus?" enquires the burglar...

"no, im Moses" replies the parrot

"what kind of person names a parrot Moses!" exclaims the burglar

to which the parrot replies "the same people that call a rottweiler Jesus!"
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dodgydog
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Joined: 10 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: 14:24 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bit cold up here this morning, I had to use my discount card to scrape the car windscreen.

It wasn't very good, I only got 20% off.
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Baffler186
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Joined: 31 May 2013
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PostPosted: 14:35 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to the green grocers the other day and said "have you got any apples?". He replied "yes, they're Granny Smiths", so I said "well, she won't mind if I have a few will she?".

So then I said "and I'll have a pound of carrots please", so the green grocer said "it's kilos now", so I said "oh sorry; a pound of kilos please."
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dodgydog
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PostPosted: 19:17 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had to go up in the loft to get the Christmas decorations out, and I found a present I forgot to give the wife last year.

It's a shame, she would have loved that kitten.
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10 pence Short
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Joined: 23 Apr 2006
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PostPosted: 20:05 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just had some carol singers round.

The songs were alright but they were spitting and drooling everywhere.

Turns out it was the salivation army.
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 13:55 - 14 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

The hospital received a call from a sweet old grandmother.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in room 302 and no one tells me shit!"
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 11:52 - 15 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

So....... How do you tittilate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

No?
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Skudd
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Joined: 01 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: 21:41 - 15 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blind man walks into a bar, crap guide dog.
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 00:14 - 16 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

"I'll ride with you" - unless you are yelling Allahu Akbar and have a rucksack.
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map
Mr Calendar



Joined: 14 Jun 2004
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PostPosted: 10:22 - 16 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Skudd wrote:
Blind man walks into a bar, crap guide dog.

Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 11:44 - 16 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bought a budgie the other day. Then I went to the petshop, and bought him a cage, a bell, a mirror, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath.
Came home a few days later to find him lying on his back, gasping!

I said to him, "What's wrong budgie? Don't die, don't do this to me! I bought you a cage, a bell, a mirror, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath. I bought you everything that money could buy. Please don't die! Why are you lying on your back, gasping?!"

Then the budgie croaked his last croak: "That pet shop where you bought the cage, the bell, the mirror, the string and ball, the little plank to walk on, the bath?"

"What about it?" I said

"Did they have any food there?"
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Tracey Suntan-King
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Joined: 10 Nov 2012
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PostPosted: 16:39 - 18 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bought some lovely German
Christmas cake yesterday, but
when I woke up this morning
it was stollen.
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 14:48 - 19 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just joined a gym. I asked the instructor to direct me to the machine that would make me most attractive to women.

He pointed at the cash point. Evil or Very Mad
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 15:49 - 19 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Second attempt on: ''lost in the translation jokes''
Lass: You are the laziest man I have ever seen, pack your things and get the hell out of my flat...

Lad: You pack my things...
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dodgydog
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PostPosted: 16:02 - 19 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

10 pence Short wrote:
Just had some carol singers round.

The songs were alright but they were spitting and drooling everywhere.

Turns out it was the salivation army.


We had some people knocking on our door, they started banging on about why we ought to eat brown bread instead of white.

Turned out they were just Hovis witnesses.
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sniff6
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Joined: 23 Apr 2010
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PostPosted: 21:46 - 19 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.
I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck
up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as
I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.
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The Shaggy D.A.
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PostPosted: 22:00 - 19 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

To the person who stole a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line; you can keep the knickers, but I need the 20 pegs back.
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 11:55 - 20 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

A group of American tourists go in to a pub in Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers, I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand" replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
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Fisty
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Joined: 11 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: 17:09 - 21 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

How dose every black joke start?
With someone looking around to see if their are any black people there
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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 21:09 - 21 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did Mrs Claus say to Santa when he asked that the weather was going to be like...



... looks like rain dear




What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal one?

The Christmas one has No L ....
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ride_to_die
Crazy Courier



Joined: 13 Nov 2005
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PostPosted: 11:27 - 22 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally got my own back while Christmas shopping.

I took the wife in to 8 different pubs without getting a drink, and then went back to the first one to get a pint.
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sniff6
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Joined: 23 Apr 2010
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PostPosted: 19:30 - 22 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise





I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,



P. Niss



The Response



Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.



You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,



V. Gina
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 21:27 - 22 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?


You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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recman
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Joined: 26 Mar 2012
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PostPosted: 09:55 - 23 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

My favourite Christmas cocktail is Little Drummer Boy.
It's one part rum and four parts pum.
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 10:12 - 23 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

recman wrote:
My favourite Christmas cocktail is Little Drummer Boy.
It's one part rum and four parts pum.


I think you'll find it's only 3 parts pum Thumbs Up





Anyway...


I had a text from the wife tonight saying she's in casualty, well I watched it on TV for 50 minutes, didn't see her in it once, it's now 1130 at night and she's still not home and I'm hungry !
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 9 years, 98 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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