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The999Kid |
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The999Kid World Chat Champion
Joined: 11 Jan 2008 Karma :
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dodgydog |
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dodgydog World Chat Champion
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Baffler186 |
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Baffler186 World Chat Champion
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dodgydog |
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dodgydog World Chat Champion
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10 pence Short |
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10 pence Short Crazy Courier
Joined: 23 Apr 2006 Karma :
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andym |
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andym World Chat Champion
Joined: 16 Nov 2010 Karma :
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Posted: 13:55 - 14 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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The hospital received a call from a sweet old grandmother.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in room 302 and no one tells me shit!" |
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Tracey Suntan-King |
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Tracey Suntan-King World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Nov 2012 Karma :
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Skudd |
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Skudd Super Spammer
Joined: 01 Oct 2006 Karma :
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Raffles |
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Raffles World Chat Champion
Joined: 14 Apr 2009 Karma :
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map |
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map Mr Calendar
Joined: 14 Jun 2004 Karma :
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chickenstrip |
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chickenstrip Super Spammer
Joined: 06 Dec 2013 Karma :
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Posted: 11:44 - 16 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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I bought a budgie the other day. Then I went to the petshop, and bought him a cage, a bell, a mirror, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath.
Came home a few days later to find him lying on his back, gasping!
I said to him, "What's wrong budgie? Don't die, don't do this to me! I bought you a cage, a bell, a mirror, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath. I bought you everything that money could buy. Please don't die! Why are you lying on your back, gasping?!"
Then the budgie croaked his last croak: "That pet shop where you bought the cage, the bell, the mirror, the string and ball, the little plank to walk on, the bath?"
"What about it?" I said
"Did they have any food there?" ____________________ Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE! |
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Tracey Suntan-King |
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Tracey Suntan-King World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Nov 2012 Karma :
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andym |
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andym World Chat Champion
Joined: 16 Nov 2010 Karma :
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Posted: 14:48 - 19 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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I just joined a gym. I asked the instructor to direct me to the machine that would make me most attractive to women.
He pointed at the cash point. |
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RhynoCZ |
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RhynoCZ Super Spammer
Joined: 09 Mar 2012 Karma :
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dodgydog |
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dodgydog World Chat Champion
Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Karma :
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sniff6 |
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sniff6 World Chat Champion
Joined: 23 Apr 2010 Karma :
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Posted: 21:46 - 19 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you.
I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck
up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as
I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.
Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan. ____________________ 'Great Britain' Love it https://img43.imageshack.us/img43/3967/67004290.gif or Leave it |
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The Shaggy D.A. |
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The Shaggy D.A. Super Spammer
Joined: 12 Sep 2008 Karma :
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Posted: 22:00 - 19 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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To the person who stole a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line; you can keep the knickers, but I need the 20 pegs back. ____________________ Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5 |
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andym |
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andym World Chat Champion
Joined: 16 Nov 2010 Karma :
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Posted: 11:55 - 20 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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A group of American tourists go in to a pub in Ireland.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers, I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."
"Grand" replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it." |
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Fisty |
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Fisty Super Spammer
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Karma :
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ScaredyCat |
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ScaredyCat World Chat Champion
Joined: 19 May 2012 Karma :
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ride_to_die |
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ride_to_die Crazy Courier
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Karma :
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sniff6 |
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sniff6 World Chat Champion
Joined: 23 Apr 2010 Karma :
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Posted: 19:30 - 22 Dec 2014 Post subject: |
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina ____________________ 'Great Britain' Love it https://img43.imageshack.us/img43/3967/67004290.gif or Leave it |
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RhynoCZ |
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RhynoCZ Super Spammer
Joined: 09 Mar 2012 Karma :
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recman |
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recman World Chat Champion
Joined: 26 Mar 2012 Karma :
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andym |
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andym World Chat Champion
Joined: 16 Nov 2010 Karma :
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Old Thread Alert!
The last post was made 9 years, 152 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful? |
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