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A Joke A Day

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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 15:46 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: A Joke A Day Reply with quote

Where's this thread gone? I've got a really good one.......
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 15:51 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think Rhyno's "lost in translation" specials must have killed it Razz
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 16:03 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

News just in.

The inventor of predictive texts has died, his funfair will be hello at sundial.
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 16:09 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Jimmy Saville walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."
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map
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PostPosted: 16:37 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Re: A Joke A Day Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
...I've got a really good one...
Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
...The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."

The evidence would seem to be that your definition of good is one I've been previously unaware of Very Happy
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 17:11 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call an Irish Rasta?

Padlock.
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fatjames
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PostPosted: 17:57 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, if we're starting again..



What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day..

..Anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Shaft
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PostPosted: 18:07 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Re: A Joke A Day Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
Where's this thread gone?


I was wondering that.



How men and women record things in their diary:

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.














Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .. who the f*** misses a two-foot putt ?
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MattJ
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PostPosted: 18:53 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad it's gone. The grammatical error in the topic title irritated me whenever I saw it.
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swampy
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PostPosted: 20:56 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

MattJ wrote:
I'm glad it's gone. The grammatical error in the topic title irritated me whenever I saw it.


Your serious ? I carn't understand why...
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pinkyfloyd
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PostPosted: 22:18 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

swampy wrote:
MattJ wrote:
I'm glad it's gone. The grammatical error in the topic title irritated me whenever I saw it.


Your serious ? I carn't understand why...


What ewe done their. I sore it.
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 23:34 - 05 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

pinkyfloyd wrote:


What ewe done their. I sore it.


I seen it.
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Chuffin Nora
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PostPosted: 01:31 - 06 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

MattJ wrote:
I'm glad it's gone. The grammatical error in the topic title irritated me whenever I saw it.

What -- and 'A Joke A Day' is any better?

Laughable is what it is.
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andym
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PostPosted: 12:19 - 06 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

The barman asked me "How come I never see you in here with Pete anymore?"

I said "Would you drink with a guy who's a liar, always late, never pays his debts, squirms out of his round and when your backs turned he tries to give your wife one?"

The barman said "Bloody hell, NO!"

I said "Well neither would Pete"
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 12:40 - 06 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

andym wrote:
The barman asked me "How come I never see you in here with Pete anymore?"

I said "Would you drink with a guy who's a liar, always late, never pays his debts, squirms out of his round and when your backs turned he tries to give your wife one?"

The barman said "Bloody hell, NO!"

I said "Well neither would Pete"



Shamelessly stolen! Thumbs Up
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andym
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PostPosted: 22:09 - 08 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Santa - 'And what would you like for Christmas?'
Me - 'A dragon'
Santa - 'Come now, be realistic'
Me - 'OK a loyal girlfriend'
Santa - 'What colour dragon would you like?'
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 23:54 - 08 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is not to stir the water, but to fill the cup with water then agitate the bag...

Decided I'd try it out last night... So as per the instructions I filled the cup with water, then punched the wife!
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Taught2BCauti...
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PostPosted: 09:45 - 10 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Came home from work last night to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything taken.

What kind of evil monster does that to a bloke's advent calendar?!?
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andym
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PostPosted: 22:30 - 10 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!".

"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
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ScaredyCat
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PostPosted: 22:40 - 10 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt...






...Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 23:51 - 10 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Guantanamo Bay detainees weren't really bothered about the CIA's water-boarding techniques.

It was when the CIA started adding soap that they became traumatised.
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CieL
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PostPosted: 01:00 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

https://s27.postimg.org/41p23ei6r/image.jpg
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Llama-Farmer
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PostPosted: 01:28 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the difference between myxomatosis and Hugh Hefner?

Myxomatosis doesn't need viagra to fuck bunnies.
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The Artist
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PostPosted: 01:37 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

I invited a cow to a house party last night. She turned up late, cold and wet after her car broke down. I said come in, you must be Friesian!
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Fisty
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PostPosted: 01:41 - 11 Dec 2014    Post subject: Reply with quote

Llama-Farmer wrote:
What's the difference between myxomatosis and Hugh Hefner?

Myxomatosis doesn't need viagra to fuck bunnies.


Two rabbits eating toasted sandwiches..
The first rabbit sticks to eating a ham and cheese sandwich.
The second rabbit tries a ham and cheese sandwich.. and then tries a cheese and tomato sandwich...

The second rabbit is halfway through his second sandwich when he suddenly collapses and starts to writhe in pain..

"Whats wrong"? asks the first rabbit..

with his last breath, the second rabbit replies...."Mixing my toasties"
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