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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 14:19 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed.”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 15:53 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Howling Terror wrote:
Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed.”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”


Tommy Cooper.

A man goes into a butcher's shop, and says to the butcher, "I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf", to which the butcher replies, "no, the steaks are too high."
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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MCN
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PostPosted: 16:35 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

chickenstrip wrote:
Howling Terror wrote:
Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed.”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”


Tommy Cooper.

A man goes into a butcher's shop, and says to the butcher, "I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf", to which the butcher replies, "no, the steaks are too high."


A plumber goes into a fishmonger with a toilet pan.
He sits the toilet pan on the counter and says to the fishmonger, "A pound a fillet."
Fishmonger replies, "A fiver ye don't."
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 16:38 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is a psychopath someone who lays crazy paving?
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 19:05 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tommy Cooper. Born on this day 100 years ago.

“Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: ‘You drive, I'll man the guns.”
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Islander
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PostPosted: 19:09 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read a joke about Oedipus and Midas earlier today.

I'm telling you it was motherfucking gold.
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Keithy
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Joined: 22 Sep 2020
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PostPosted: 22:15 - 19 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

A minister, a priest and a rabbit go to a blood donation clinic and the nurse asks the rabbit “What blood type are you?”

“I’m a type-o”
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 16:28 - 24 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

We couldn't decide whether we should bury or cremate our Grandma. So we left her alive, for now.
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toby1
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Joined: 02 Aug 2011
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PostPosted: 14:30 - 26 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gotta laff at this.........
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Tracey Suntan-King
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Joined: 10 Nov 2012
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PostPosted: 14:43 - 26 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Howling Terror wrote:
Tommy Cooper. Born on this day 100 years ago.

“Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: ‘You drive, I'll man the guns.”


A man went to the doctor with a strawberry sticking out of his head.

Doc says, "You need some cream for that!"

Happy Birthday Tommy Laughing
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 22:08 - 27 Mar 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man goes to the Doctors with a frog stuck to his head, The Doctors says "How did this start?" "As a pimple on my arse," says the frog.


What's the difference between Kinky and Perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather for sexual titillation.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
He saw the pervert walking towards him.
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Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".
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A100man
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PostPosted: 13:36 - 13 Apr 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two engineering students talking..

First:- I’ve seen this girl around campus on her bike and today she saw me, winked, took all her clothes off and said ‘take whatever you like!’

Second: Blimey, what did you do?


First: I took the bike.
Second: Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.
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doggone
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PostPosted: 13:06 - 18 Apr 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Evening sorted

https://i.postimg.cc/SQrWDLtn/perfect-sunday.jpg
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MCN
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PostPosted: 13:59 - 18 Apr 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

doggone wrote:


Wasn't sure if serious.

DVLA.gov.org Rewards.
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 22:30 - 19 Apr 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI; MZ 150 ETZ, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 21:21 - 06 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the first rule of Ventriloquism Club?

Keep your f*cking mouth shut about Ventriloquism Club...
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project
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AldridgePrior This post is not being displayed because the poster is banned. Unhide this post / all posts.

Skudd
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PostPosted: 01:57 - 07 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

AldridgePrior wrote:
Freezing cold today.
In fact, it was that cold I even saw a Jêw with his hands in his own pockets. Laughing


It must still be very warm in Liverpool then.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".
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Easy-X
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PostPosted: 02:10 - 07 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

AldridgePrior wrote:
Freezing cold today.
In fact, it was that cold I even saw a Jêw with his hands in his own pockets. Laughing


Even a Roman centurion would say that joke's old!
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 02:15 - 07 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Easy-X wrote:
AldridgePrior wrote:
Freezing cold today.
In fact, it was that cold I even saw a Jêw with his hands in his own pockets. Laughing


Even a Roman centurion would say that joke's old!


Bloody slavers.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".
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Keithy
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Joined: 22 Sep 2020
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PostPosted: 16:44 - 21 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mate at work was wondering what sort music they might have on wind farms, I said “I’ll bet they are big heavy metal fans”.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 17:20 - 21 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keithy wrote:
A mate at work was wondering what sort music they might have on wind farms, I said “I’ll bet they are big heavy metal fans”.


Carbon Fibre I'd bet.

Don't like music.

Favourite song is Blowing in the Wind.

Christ! Is that the time?
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Bikesta
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Joined: 18 May 2021
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PostPosted: 09:56 - 22 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?


1forrest1.
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A100man
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Joined: 19 Aug 2013
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PostPosted: 12:03 - 24 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloke in a pet shop:
'Have you got a blind dog for my mother-in-law?'

Shopkeeper:
'Surely you mean a guide dog sir..'

Bloke:
'Nope - if it sees her, it'll go for her throat.'

B. Manning
RIP
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Then: Fizz, RS200, KL250, XJ550, Laverda Alpina, XJ600, FZS600
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Easy-X
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PostPosted: 12:59 - 24 May 2021    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khrushchev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khrushchev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."

"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khrushchev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes. "Take these letters," he tells Khrushchev. "Keep them safely, don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khrushchev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly - unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khrushchev launched a massive de-Stalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time.

But things continued on the downslide - Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khrushchev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: "Write two letters..."
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 2 years, 309 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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