A Joke A Day

[bamt]

A policeman stops a biker for doing 60 in a thirty limit.
"You do realise you were speeding there sir?"
"No, I was just trying to keep up with the traffic",
"There is no traffic, the road is completely empty."
"See, that's how far behind I am!"

[Skudd]

A man was sitting on the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No.", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
Next, the redhead went to him and asked "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No.", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
Last, the blonde came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?
The fellow excitedly said "No, I haven't!".
She said "Well, I think you will soon,the tides comin in."
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Skudd]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Skudd]

Politically incorrect Joke of the Day
What do you call the first migrant off the boat?
Amhere
What do you call the second migrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwel
What do you call the third migrant off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Skudd]

Islamic Appeal
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love and who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
____________________
Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Hong Kong Phooey]

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

He fell from the guard tower.
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'81 CG125, '97 FZS600 : '99 CBR600F4, '09 KTM RC8

[andym]

A Roman walks in to a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says "5 pints please"

[ScaredyCat]

I once entered a fire starting competition but it got cancelled due to match fixing.
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Honda CBF125 ➝ NC700X
Honda CBF125 ↳ Speed Triple

[Tracey Suntan-King]

😂 NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
thxs
Risk Management Team........

Credits
Rising Sun Freehouse Berko
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Hong Kong Phooey]

What's the difference between a llama and an alpaca?

Llamas spit, alpacas swallow
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'81 CG125, '97 FZS600 : '99 CBR600F4, '09 KTM RC8

[Hong Kong Phooey]

SOFTWARE UPGRADE NOTICE:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. 

No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected, due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.

He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "Don't remind me again" button;
A Minimize button;
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources;
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

Another friend decided to avoid all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which everyone should have been aware. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
 
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
 
***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar share-ware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
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'81 CG125, '97 FZS600 : '99 CBR600F4, '09 KTM RC8

[recman]

I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in three years time.
Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

[Going]

[Motorhate]

Two dogs are chatting.

First dog: "I've gota joke, would you like to hear it?"

Second dog: "Yes okay, go ahead."

First dog: "Knock, knock"

Second dog: "WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF "
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Current - Harley Davidson FXDB Street Bob | Harley Davidson FLTR Road Glide | Harley Davidson Road King
GONE - Honda CB500 Ratbike | Yamaha FZ750 | Yamaha XVS1100 | Kawasaki VN2000 | Kawasaki ER-6 F | Harley Davidson XL883L Sportster

[pepperami]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Sid had to visit his proctologist today.

He got the thumbs up
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Apparently ISIS are trying to recruit new members using a rock n roll band.

It's called Jihadiwaddy.
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[dodgydog]

My friend has just been caught stealing in Saudi Arabia for the second time, which is bad news for him.

But on the bright side, nobody will call him a wanker anymore.
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I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[dodgydog]

If you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw and then jump through a hoop on fire.

They're trained for that.
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I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not exactly what I meant

[Howling Terror]

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[bamt]

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
She said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'

[Tracey Suntan-King]

I went to buy a Barbie for my niece and was surprised to see the range of dolls available.

You can get a basic Barbie for £19.99 there there's a whole range including Benefits Barbie, ASBO Barbie, Burqua Barbie and Slutty Barbie, all around the £30 mark.

My favorite though is Divorce Barbie, but she costs £350.

Apparently this is because she comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, all his furniture and a share of his future earnings.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[chickenstrip]

I've decided to try going out with a weather forecaster girl. I thought it'd be nice to see what it's like to be with a woman who isn't right all the time.
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[recman]

A father and daughter are in the garden watching some insects.
The little girl asks, "Daddy, is that a mummy long legs underneath the daddy long legs?".
The father replies, "No sweetie there are no mummy long legs, just daddy long legs"
The father felt very proud of her inquisitive mind untill the little girl stamps on them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay stuff in our f*****g garden".

[Skudd]