A Joke A Day

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Ok..I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself ( typical ) What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling ok but they said I should be out sometime in the Spring. 🤒😂😂
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[recman]

I also had to pay a visit to A&E earlier, got a peanut stuck in my ear.
Doc melted some chocolate, poured it in and the nut came out a treat.

[arry]

I went to the quacks the other day as I found a strawberry growing out my bum. Doc told me not to worry, he's got cream for it.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

In the same vein

A man went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bum.

"Hmmm, I don't like the look of that." Said the doc.

The man replied, "Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Just like that........ah ha.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[andym]

Seen this the other day and found it more amusing than it actually is

[Pjay]

My best mates wife said to me the other that that I was a bad influence on their son, with my swearing. She said that the kid had called her a bad name and that he must have picked it up from me.

I said "Oh fuck, Did he call you a bitch?"
"No she replied, he didn't call me a bitch, it was worse".
"Shit, he didnt call you a Cunt?" I offered.
"No PJay, he didnt call me a C-bomb" She retorted.
"Then the little dick didn't get it from me" I said.

[RhynoCZ]

- What are you doing this weekend?
* I'm going to buy some glasses.
- And then?
* Then, I'll see.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Poundshop Dave]

Heard this and thought of RhynoCZ

Two boys go camping, a Jew boy and a Czech boy. In the middle of the night a bear comes, the boys run and run but the bear catches the Czech boy and eats him. The Jew boy keeps running until he gets to the ranger station. The ranger asks the Jew boy "What's wrong?" The Jew boy responds, "Me and my Czech friend were camping, and this bear came and he ate my friend!" The ranger says "There's only 2 bears in this park, if i can get them together can you tell me which one ate your friend?" The Jew boy says "Yes, i know i'll never forget what that bear looked like." Somehow the ranger gets the 2 bears lined up and says, "Alright, there's a male bear and a female bear, which one ate your friend." the Jew boy responds, "The male bear, it's definitely the male bear that ate my Czech friend." So the ranger kills the male bear and there's no Czech boy in it.
What's the moral of the story?
Never trust a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male.
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[andym]

[Poundshop Dave]

I think it was, love that dude. Funny funny funny.
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[RhynoCZ]

I don't get it.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Poundshop Dave]

I'll PM you the answer.
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[RhynoCZ]

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and be quiet.
And guess what?
She failed to do even one of those things.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[andys675]

my wife complains that she's fat because I'm nice to her and she's content and stress free

so tonight I get home from work, throw my tea up the wall, got to the pub, get pissed, shag the barmaid and when I got home I slapped her around a bit and guess what? she's still not happy!
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Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.

[ride_to_die]

The police came to my door today holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes' I answered. I'm afraid it looks like shes been run over by a bus' he said. 'I know' I said, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids'
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I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.

[ride_to_die]

A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
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I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.

[Poundshop Dave]

If Nicola Sturgeon want to guarantee Scottish independence she should let the English vote in the next referendum.
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[Poundshop Dave]

I'm not a racist, this is true in my case because of where I live, no offence intended, it did make me smile though.

My new neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, "What's going down, bro?"

I said, "The value of my house since you moved in, you black bastard."
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[Poundshop Dave]

"I harra dree."

~ Martin Luther Ching.
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Proud to be from Birmingham

[RhynoCZ]

What is the worst number?
6.9
Why?
Because it is a 69 ruined by period.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Pjay]

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

Why are all women cheap, useless slags?

Because they're full of shit.
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"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."

Mobylette Type 50 ---> Raleigh Grifter ---> Neval Minsk 125

[RhynoCZ]

What's the difference between the E.T. and Poles?

Well, E.T. speaks English and actually wants to return home.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

*Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert!

I dyed my computer black to make it run faster,...
... and it stopped working.

*Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert! Snowflake alert!
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

Police officer: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round.

Police officer: Turn around!

Me: Ever.... *gets tased.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor