A Joke A Day

[Tracey Suntan-King]

1974. Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott are in bed together, Jeremy is on top.

"Diane, my sweet left-leaning lovely, could you please turn the light off."

"Why, my little Trotskyite Teaser? Don't you want to be able to gaze on my dusky loveliness?"

"Of course I do my precious Marxist Minx, it's just that the lightbulb is burning my bum."
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[RhynoCZ]

My grandfather came to me and said, "It's cold outside today."
"Tell me something I do not know, Grandpa."
"Your grandmother can fit a whole fist in her arse."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

A dwarf comes to the library and asks the librarian:
"Do you have any books about discrimination of little people?"
"Upper shelf."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

So, today I called the rape help line. Turned out, it was only for the victims...
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[bamt]

The inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.

May he test tin peas.

[ride_to_die]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the base and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant,'Is that how the men do it?'

'Not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town... where the girls are.'
____________________
I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.

[ride_to_die]

I looked out of my window last night and saw a group of people gathering around a guy who'd fallen off his moped.

I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted. As I pushed through the crowd a woman asked "Are you a doctor?"

"No" I replied...."That's my fucking pizza!!"
____________________
I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.

[bamt]

Some scum broke into our local shop and stole all the Red Bull.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

[Howling Terror]

I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..

I don't know why..
I just started filling up.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[andyscooter]

little billy was asked in class what sentence he could use with the word contagious

he replied

my neighbour was going to paint his house with a 1 inch paintbrush

dad said its going to take the contagious
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gilera runner vxr200 (chavped)
if its spelt wrong its my fat fingers and daft auto correct on my tablet

[RhynoCZ]

A Thai masseuse assures the client during a massage:
"Don't feel ashamed, it's quite normal to have erection while having a massage."
- "I do not have an erection."
"But I do."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

English, huh?

A: Hello, are you there?
B: Yes, who are you, please?
A: I'm Watt.
B: What's your name?
A: Watt's my name.
B: Yes, what's your name?
A: My name is John Watt.
B: John what?
A: Yes, are you Jones?
B: No, I'm Knott.
A: Will you tell me your name then?
B: Will, Knott.
A: Why not?
B: My name is Knott.
A: Not what?
B: Not Watt, Knott.
A: What?
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

Two gentlemen walk in the park along the way towards each other and they both drag their right leg behind. One looks at the other lad with understanding, showing him his leg and says:

"Kuwait, 1990."

The other one looks over his shoulder and says:

"Dog shit, ten meters back."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

After the wedding ceremony the groom asks of the priest:
"How much do I owe you?"
"Depends, how much do you appreciate your now wife?" the priest says,
The groom gives him £5.
The priest briefly looks at the bride and gives him three pounds back.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

''My son told me his first words today.''
- ''What did he say?''
''Where the feck have you been for the past 20 years?!''
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

"Why did you escape from the prison?"
- "I wanted to get married."
"You have some strange ideas about freedom, mister."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

The boss asks his employee: "What do you think is the biggest problem in our company? Ignorance or lack of interest?"
The employee replies:" I do not know and I don't care."
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

https://www.biography.com/.image/t_share/MTE5NDg0MDU1MTU2NzIxMTY3/queen-victoria-9518355-1-402.jpg
____________________
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."

Mobylette Type 50 ---> Raleigh Grifter ---> Neval Minsk 125

[Tracey Suntan-King]

A man walks into a bakery. All the cakes in the shop are a pound except for one, which costs two pounds. So he asks the baker "Why is it two pounds?".

"That one?" the baker replies. "That's madeira cake
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[andym]

[owl]

What's black and doesn't work?





Smoke alarms in Grenfell Towers.
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer
was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring
colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual
courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol
decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant,
Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength
of this office. His talent is simply boundless".

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall."

Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from
Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division
of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . "

At that point, the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[RhynoCZ]

A lad washes his car with his son, when he suddenly asks, "Dad, can we use a sponge now?"
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[ScaredyCat]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."


Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."


The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
____________________
Honda CBF125 ➝ NC700X
Honda CBF125 ↳ Speed Triple

[recman]

Jo - 'I see they've opened up a new takeaway on your street.'

Rob - 'Yes, it's good.'

Jo - 'Do they deliver?'

Rob - 'No, just chicken and pizza.'