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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 22:05 - 28 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain?




It's too wet to woo.
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 22:20 - 28 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

ScaredyCat wrote:
Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain?




It's too wet to woo.


This made the Mrs actually Laugh Out Load.
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 22:21 - 28 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Patient: Dr Dr, I feel like a fair of curtains...

Dr: Pull your self together.

Sigh, Rolling Eyes
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 23:41 - 28 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 22:54 - 29 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Patient: Dr Dr, I feel like Rubbish.

Dr: Dont talk Garbage.

Sorry Rolling Eyes
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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RhynoCZ
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Joined: 09 Mar 2012
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PostPosted: 19:40 - 13 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

- Dad, where's the potato peeling thing?
- What do I know? Probably went to do some shopping...
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bypass2
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Joined: 12 Sep 2013
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PostPosted: 21:01 - 13 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to the market with my uncle jim somebody threw a tomato at him tomatoes dont hurt he said with a grin the next f**ker did cos it came in a tin
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andyscooter
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Joined: 30 May 2009
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PostPosted: 21:15 - 13 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo

Ones heavy the others a little lighter
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if its spelt wrong its my fat fingers and daft auto correct on my tablet
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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 08:16 - 14 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've got a new dog.
His name is Minton.
The other day he swallowed a shuttlecock


Bad Minton!
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MCN
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Joined: 22 Jul 2015
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PostPosted: 16:48 - 14 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man goes into doctor's surgery and says, "Dr. I feel like I am invisible."

Dr. "Next."

Shocked Shocked
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Disclaimer: The comments above may be predicted text and not necessarily the opinion of MCN.
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The Shaggy D.A.
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Joined: 12 Sep 2008
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PostPosted: 12:37 - 27 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
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Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 14:31 - 27 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vampires snack between meals on lentils because they are so into pulses.

Rolling Eyes
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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groovylee
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Joined: 20 Nov 2011
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PostPosted: 14:38 - 27 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bumped into an old Mate earlier today.
I asked "What you up to these days"..??
He replied "I prepare Meals for the Homeless, Illegal Immigrants, Drug Addicts, Piss-Heads and Down & Outs"..
I said "Are you Working in a Charity Drop-In Centre"..???
He says "No, I'm the Head Chef at a Wetherspoons Pub"..
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andym
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Joined: 16 Nov 2010
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PostPosted: 20:05 - 27 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

A girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the girl. "10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?".

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David".

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout DAVID, YER DINNER'S READY or DAVID GO TO BED NOW and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl, "I just use their surnames".
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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 21:06 - 27 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from their battered and torn bodies.

"Barlicks to that!" says Paddy, "That's the last time we go lion dancing!"
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 02:55 - 28 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

EDIT: Good point made by Chuffin Nora, so picture moved.

Joke to go in its place:

My sister bet me a hundred pound I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti...














...You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Shocked
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15


Last edited by Tracer1234 on 10:13 - 28 Jul 2017; edited 2 times in total
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Chuffin Nora
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Joined: 02 Sep 2013
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PostPosted: 05:44 - 28 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^
I know that bend!




Isn't it Rhyno's corner? Thinking
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arry
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Joined: 03 Jan 2009
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PostPosted: 11:27 - 28 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bought myself some new aftershave. It's called Breadcrumbs.

Apparently the birds love it
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ScaredyCat
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Joined: 19 May 2012
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PostPosted: 12:03 - 28 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they might be trying to groom me.
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 13:03 - 28 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Something about subtraction just doesn't add up. Laughing
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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groovylee
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Joined: 20 Nov 2011
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PostPosted: 08:09 - 29 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

A teacher at a school for obese children was sacked recently for his cocaine use,

he was given away by his massive pupils

Laughing
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Past - 1988 honda revere 600, 1996 kawasaki gpz500s, 1999 Yamaha R6

Current - 2002 Aprilia RSV1000R & 1999 Kawasaki ZX6R
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Tracer1234
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Joined: 13 Sep 2014
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PostPosted: 00:44 - 30 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interviewer: "This job requires you to know PowerPoint, how skilled are you with the program"

Man: "Well, I Excel in Powerpoint"

Interviewer: "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?"

Man: "Word."

Cool
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Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15
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chickenstrip
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Joined: 06 Dec 2013
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PostPosted: 20:47 - 30 Jul 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eskimo ophthalmologist = optical Aleutian.

Metronome = a dwarf in the city.

State of denial = Egypt

Explains = where big cities now stand.

Psychopath = gardener/landscaper who specialises in crazy paving.

Hypochondriac = someone with an assigned parking space at the walk-in clinic.

Illiterate = someone who's sick of reading.

Rank and file = a manicurist with B.O.

Loan shark = a visiting exhibit at the aquarium.

Defence = de ting round de African garden.

Punnet = a device for trapping bad jokes (got this one nailed).

Stiff breeze = a draught in a funeral parlour.

Jackpot = what Jack claims is strictly for medicinal purposes.

Laughing gas = what might be worth fracking for.

Scholarship = a research vessel.

Stage fright = a cowardly act.

Power tool = a boss who's a jerk.

Pole vault = an eastern European bank.

Impeccable = chicken proof.

Fiendish plot = a vegetable garden comprised of only brussels sprouts.
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!


Last edited by chickenstrip on 17:41 - 06 Sep 2017; edited 9 times in total
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Tracey Suntan-King
World Chat Champion



Joined: 10 Nov 2012
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PostPosted: 22:28 - 01 Aug 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman shambles up to and English foreman and asks if there’s any casual job going.

“You don’t look to me," says the foreman, "as if you know the difference between a girder and a joist."

"I do, too," says the Irishman indignantly. "The first of them wrote Faust and the second one wrote Ulysses."
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RhynoCZ
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Joined: 09 Mar 2012
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PostPosted: 22:48 - 05 Aug 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doctor: Unfortunately, I've got some bad news for you.
Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You've got very advanced testicular cancer and the Alzheimer's disease.
Patient: Well, at least it's not cancer.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI; MZ 150 ETZ, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor
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