A Joke A Day

[The999Kid]

A man is walking home in a thick fog one day when he starts to hear a noise behind him.

bump
bump
bump

he keeps walking for a few hundred yards, and still the noise carried on behind him

bump
bump
bump

quickly he turns around to see a casket stood on end, lid slightly ajar facing him. he turns back around to resume walking and carries on his journey home. again he hears the noise behind him. he turns around to see the wooden corpse container following him down the road.

bump
bump
bump

the man picks up his pace and continues home, with the noise behind him getting closer and faster. Eventually the man breaks into a run in a bid to escape the crazed box. soon after he arrives at his front door, fumbles for his keys

bump
bump
bump
bump
bump

he forces the key into the lock, runs inside the house and throws the door closed with a huge slam locking it again behind him.

bump
bump
bump
Crash!

the casket hurls itself through the front door and stands there bold as brass. the man in horror sprints upstairs and tries to barricade himself in the bathroom.

bump
bump
bump
CRASH!

again the 6ft pine box bursts through the bathroom door to the disbelief of the man who starts grabbing everything he can get his hands on to defend himself from his wooden aggressor.

he flings, tablets, soap, loofahs, bog roll and eventually a glass bottle strikes the casket on the lid before smashing into pieces showering both of them with the medicine contained within... it stops, wobbles for a moment then falls backwards motionless.

the man pauses for a moment, then reaches down to retrieve the remains of the final projectile that ceased the onslaught.

he picks up the bottle shards, complete with label and reads.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Codeine Linctus - Stops persistent Coughing"
____________________
NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter

[scorps]

What did the Mexican fireman call his twins



Hose a and hose b
____________________
Do not presume that I am male.

[Tracer1234]

Why did the blind man fall into the well?



Because he couldn't see that well!

____________________
Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15

[toby1]

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but not ready for competition yet"

[andys675]

Brucie's autopsy results are in, apparently he died of a seizure

nice to seizure, to seizure.......
____________________
Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.

[owl]

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier, I couldn't help but Wonder what his handicap was?
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[Howling Terror]

A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[RhynoCZ]

What's black and rhymes with Snoop? - Dr. Dre.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[andyscooter]

wife "I cant believe you fucked my sister"
husband "but you know how fit she is and she was just lay on the table naked when I got to work ,what was I supposed to do"
wife "the autopsy you sick bastard"
____________________
gilera runner vxr200 (chavped)
if its spelt wrong its my fat fingers and daft auto correct on my tablet

[Howling Terror]

I've been reading Osteopathy magazine for years..
I have lots of back issues.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[Raffles]

The transfer window has now closed.
Many Liverpool fans will be disappointed that they didn't get Bale....They'll be back in court again on Monday to try again.
____________________
A good loser will always be a loser.

[RhynoCZ]

My grandfather was a WWII veteran. During the Battle of Britain he destroyed 8 German aircrafts and killed 20 crew members in a single day. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Tracer1234]

Back to school day and all that....

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
____________________
Riding: Yamaha MT-09 Tracer Occasionally Riding: 08 Suzuki SV650, Potato: 2011 Yamaha YBR Custom.
Used to ride: 2015 Yamaha MT-09 Tracer (smidsy) 09 Triumph Street Triple (P/X'd) 08 Yamaha YBR (Sold)
CBT 04/14. A: Mod 1 & 2 13/04/15

[Tracey Suntan-King]

A clown held a door open for me today.

I thought, that's a nice jester
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[chickenstrip]

Kick = the final activity on one's bucket list.
____________________
Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[RhynoCZ]

A man comes home from the work and his wife immediately asks him:
"Did you buy bread?" To which the husband replied:
"Bread, shopping, that's not a man's job"
"Then take your clothes off, walk with me to the bedroom and do the man's job."
Him: "Damn, woman! Do you not understand a joke, give me that shopping bag!"
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[trevor saxe-coburg-gotha]

What the fuck.
____________________
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."

Mobylette Type 50 ---> Raleigh Grifter ---> Neval Minsk 125

[tracks]

[Tracer1234]

[MCN]

[owl]

maybe it doesn't translate well
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[MCN]

[owl]

A man is at the bar drinking with his mates, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," one of his mates says, "give me ten quid." The friend folds up the note and puts it in the drunk guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you ten bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife wakes up and angrily asks "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me ten bucks to have my shirt cleaned, see for yourself!"
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's £20 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[Tracer1234]

[owl]

Tough crowd, I even went and tried to change the American references. I thought bucks was just a general term for any currency, guess not.

No I’m not American
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.