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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 09:46 - 26 Jan 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

My friend's allergic to rice.

He's basmatic.
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 23:37 - 27 Jan 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a bar and orders a Guinness. He drinks it straight down and immediately orders another and does the same, downs it in one.

He then orders a third Guinness, prompting the barman to ask "Are you celebrating something?"

"Yes." Says the man, "My first blow job."

"Congratulations." said the barman, "Let me buy you a whiskey."

"No thanks." said the man, "If the Guinness doesn't take the taste away, a whiskey isn't going to help."
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Howling Terror
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PostPosted: 16:56 - 16 Feb 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.....

'Round?'
'Round?'
'Get a round'.....
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 01:17 - 21 Feb 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 00:29 - 02 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

The grim reaper came for me last night.

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 16:57 - 02 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

May work for most.
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bamt
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PostPosted: 22:02 - 14 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sad news about the NME stopping print production.

I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my American sitcom DVDs.

I kept my Friends close, and my NMEs closer.
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bamt
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PostPosted: 15:30 - 17 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bought my wife a new fridge for her birthday.

It wasn't what she expected but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it!
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recman
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PostPosted: 16:18 - 17 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

bamt wrote:
I bought my wife a new fridge for her birthday.

It wasn't what she expected but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it!


Classic Dawson. Thumbs Up
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 22:24 - 17 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do we want?
An end to acronyms
When do we want it?
ASAP
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 22:35 - 17 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why did Britain cross the road?
Actually, they never said they'd cross the road entirely.
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M.C
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PostPosted: 01:44 - 18 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

RhynoCZ wrote:
Why did Britain cross the road?
Actually, they never said they'd cross the road entirely.

https://memedad.com/memes/172636.gif
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 11:47 - 18 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

M.C wrote:
RhynoCZ wrote:
Why did Britain cross the road?
Actually, they never said they'd cross the road entirely.

https://memedad.com/memes/172636.gif


That's exactly the face May does, when they ask her about her job. Laughing
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fatjames
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PostPosted: 11:23 - 19 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the weeks leading up to his death, what did Stephen Hawking have for his breakfast every day?






His shoulder..
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fatjames
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PostPosted: 11:24 - 19 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I heard that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident.

Someone clicked shut down rather than sleep..
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fatjames
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PostPosted: 11:24 - 19 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

When Stephen Hawking got ill, did they take him to A&E or PC world?
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thx1138
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PostPosted: 11:25 - 19 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

AldridgePrior wrote:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dsgQb3jkk4
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fatjames
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PostPosted: 11:26 - 19 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

What happened when Stephen Hawking died?

The windows shut down sound played.
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pinkyfloyd
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PostPosted: 07:35 - 20 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ant McPartlin has gone into the recording studio to do a new version of Ant and Dec’s 1994 hit, “Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble”.

Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready to rum and coke!

Watch me wreck the car!
Watch me wreck the car!
Watch me wreck the car!
SHITE!
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 17:12 - 20 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Took my wife to the doctor's today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 00:14 - 23 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Over here in Cyprus we're friends with and help an expat who is 70 something and who we suspect may be losing the plot. For example, the other day he said

"I'm not going to bloody Lidl again. Ever."

"Why not?"

"You never know when they're going to be open or shut."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I was in there the other day and after I'd put stuff in my trolley there was an announcement over the tannoy that said, "We are closing till three." So I put my stuff back on the shelves. Then just as I was leaving there was another announcement that said, "We are opening till seven." Why can't they make up their f*cking minds?"

True story
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 11:10 - 23 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sat in the bar the other night, when a jewish girl came over to ask for my number. Explained her that we use names nowadays.
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Chuffin Nora
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PostPosted: 12:13 - 23 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
Over here in Cyprus we're friends with and help an expat who is 70 something and who we suspect may be losing the plot. For example, the other day he said

"I'm not going to bloody Lidl again. Ever."

"Why not?"

"You never know when they're going to be open or shut."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I was in there the other day and after I'd put stuff in my trolley there was an announcement over the tannoy that said, "We are closing till three." So I put my stuff back on the shelves. Then just as I was leaving there was another announcement that said, "We are opening till seven." Why can't they make up their f*cking minds?"

True story

Thinking Thinking

Are you sure that it's him who's losing the plot? Laughing
Seems like he was pulling your leg.
And you fell for it.

The joke, therefore, being on you!
Wink
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 01:47 - 24 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll lead a long and healthy life?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, " I don't go in for all that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I, but my thermometer just broke."
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 6 years, 6 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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