A Joke A Day

[RhynoCZ]

BREAKING NEWS
Russian media: The Russian probe ''Progress'' found water outside of the planet Earth and confirms existence of life in the waters of Jupiter...
Western media: A Russian satellite found in the Indian ocean...
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]

Me: What's the wifi password?
Barkeeper: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barkeeper: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barkeeper: £2.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barkeeper: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[chickenstrip]

The doctor asked if any of my family suffer from mental health issues.

I said, "No, they all seem to enjoy it".
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[chickenstrip]

@recman: "informative"
Come on, it's not the worst joke ever posted here!

And anyway, I don't have any family. I bumped them all off for the insurance money ages ago.
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[virus]

Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious
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own: 81 xs1100g...
owned: 85 rat CG (sold), 91 GS500e (stolen), 84 gsx400f (scrapped), 81 z250 (siezed, siezed, scrapped), 83 cb250rs (sold), 84 gpz750r ratfighter (killed) 84gpz400 (sold), '80 cb650 ratfighter (wrote off) 95gsx6/12f ratfighter (killed) 91 xj900 (sold)
stinkwheel Well I just had my hands up a pigs fanny. Which makes your concerns pale into insignificance.

[chickenstrip]

A woman goes to see the doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening behaviour.
"Doctor, every time he comes home, he threatens to slap me around. He really gets worked up until I think he might give himself a heart attack. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Just before your husband comes home every day, take a mouthful of water, and swish it around in your mouth. Don't swallow it, but continue to swish it around until you go to bed."
The woman thanks him, and says she'll give it a try.
A week later she goes back to the doctor.
"Doctor, that worked really well, but what is it about the water that calms him down so much?"
The doctor says, "It's really no big secret. The water does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

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Two old friends are playing golf one day. Just as one is about to take his shot, a funeral procession rolls slowly by on the road just outside the course perimeter. The player puts his club down, takes off his hat and places it over his heart as the procession goes by.
His friend says, "Jack, I think that's the nicest thing I've ever seen you do!
Jack replies, "It's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage."

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I got really drunk at the pub again last night. When I fell over, the barman said, "Joe, I think you've had enough for tonight."
I tried to stand up, but just fell over again. Tried again, and fell over once more.
I said to the barman, "I think you're right, I ought to go now."
I tried to stand up to go, but just kept falling over. In the end, I crawled into the street. On the way home, I kept trying to stand up, but always fell over again and again. I crawled all the way home, but when I got home, I couldn't reach to put my key in the door. I tried to pull myself up, but just fell over again. In the end, I banged on the door, and my wife let me in.
She wasn't very happy, but I tried to deny I'd got drunk down the pub. She wasn't having it, but I continued to deny it, as she hauled me inside and onto the living room sofa. We argued for some time, me still denying I'd even been down the pub. After about an hour of this, she said, "Joe, I know you were down the pub because the landlord called and said you'd left your wheelchair there again."
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[chickenstrip]

https://i.imgur.com/4kXgRNR.jpg
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[RhynoCZ]

The crisis between Russia and Great Britain. In the middle of the night, the phone rings in the Downing Street 10.

- Hello, may I speak with Theresa May?
- She's asleep now.
- If she wakes up, please tell her Vladimir called.
- What do you mean IF?!
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Hong Kong Phooey]

Heart wrenching story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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'81 CG125, '97 FZS600 : '99 CBR600F4, '09 KTM RC8

[Powderhead]

Two Chinamen walk into a pub. Barman says "why the same face?"
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"Now at inspector level!"

[RhynoCZ]

The beauty of British women has made British men the best sailors and adventurers of the world.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[MCN]

[Fin]

My kids treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

[recman]

[MCN]

[Howling Terror]

What did the dyslexic, amnesiac percussionist say?
“I can’t marimba.”
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[Shaft]

[Freddyfruitba...]

A man was walking down the road with a penguin when a policeman saw them and approached the man.
"Take that penguin to the zoo." said the policeman.
"Do I have to?" asked the man.
"Take that penguin to the zoo now!" ordered the policeman.
"Oh all right then". the man replied
So the man and the penguin head off to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees the man and the penguin going down the same road again and gets very cross.
"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
"I did. replied the man. "Yesterday we went to the zoo and he enjoyed it so much that today we're going to the cinema.
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KC100->CB100N->CB250RS--------->DL650AL2->R1200RS->R1250RS

[Tracey Suntan-King]

What's the difference between a lentil & a chickpee?
Donald Trump's never paid $500 to have a lentil on his face.......
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[recman]

Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50.
She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[AldridgePrior]

The male Gypsy moth can smell the female Gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles away.

The above sentence is also true if you remove the word moth.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Which cheese is best when you're trying to tempt a bear our of its cave?

Camembert
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[RhynoCZ]

"Where have you been?"
"I was stuck at work, beautiful."
"Don't lie to me!"
"I was stuck at work, you old ugly hag!"
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Strange but true...... Having woken up from a nightmare in the early hours, the first thought that popped into my head was, 'what kind of toffee would I give to a great composer?'

A Rolo for Beethoven.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[TbirdX]

An alcoholic comes home drunk again and his wife tells him..

"That's, it, no more drinking or I'll leave you"

The very next evening in the pub, after drinking all day he tells his drinking buddies about the encounter, laughs and promptly vomits all down his own shirt.

"Oh, no, I can't go home now" he says.

"Don't worry", says his friend, "Tuck a £20 note into your shirt pocket and tell the wife that another fella threw up on you and he gave you the £20 for the dry cleaning bill"

Later that night when he gets home the wife is furious but the fella insists...

"No Gladys, no, no, no I haven't been drinking, Another guy actually threw up on me and then gave me this £20 for the cleaning bill see"

"Why do you have £40 in your hand then" She asks,

"Oh" says the man "The other £20 is from the man who shit in my pants...."
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VFR800X - TTR250