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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 01:13 - 28 Oct 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

At the job interview…
- "How many foreign languages do you know?"
- "Three."
- "What languages?"
- "Polish, French and Russian."
- "Tell us something in Polish."
- "Guten Tag."
- "That's German!"
- "So I can do four."
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 21:44 - 10 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus turned up in Liverpool performing miracles.

First he finds a bloke a job, then he gets Liverpool to win the Premiership, then he walked across the Mersey and back again. Crowds had gathered on the pier head and a young scally pushes his way to the front and says,

"Alright JC, can yous help me with me hearing?"

Jesus puts his hands over the young Scouse kids ears for a moment and says "is that any better my son?"

The kid says "Dunno, it's not till next Wednesday"
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dodgydog
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PostPosted: 09:46 - 11 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

My mate recently got a job as a roofer. On his very first day he told me his boss caught him masturbating on the roof.

He said his boss was very understanding about it though.

He said he'd let him wipe the slate clean, and start afresh.
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 15:24 - 14 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: Why do people like socialism even though it doesn't work?
A: Because they don't Work either...
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 21:56 - 18 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just got a voucher offering 60% off cosmetics at Boots.

Mrs Raffles will be made up.
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 15:18 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A weasel walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 15:30 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
A weasel walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.


You know when they told you "the old ones are the best" ?

Well, they lied.

Make sure you tamp down its grave properly when you reinter it Razz
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 19:21 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^^Alright old un.......we're not all as old as you Wink
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 19:28 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
^^^^Alright old un.......we're not all as old as you Wink


I'm not old! Mad

Just knackered Crying or Very sad

But 1852 wants its joke back Razz
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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recman
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PostPosted: 22:49 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vets because of his wonky eyes.
The vet picks up the dog, looks at it's eyes and says,
"Sorry mate, I'm gonna have to put him down."
"What?!", says it's owner, "Why's that? "






"Because he's really heavy", says the vet.
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 22:53 - 22 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

recman wrote:
A bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vets because of his wonky eyes.
The vet picks up the dog, looks at it's eyes and says,
"Sorry mate, I'm gonna have to put him down."
"What?!", says it's owner, "Why's that? "






"Because he's really heavy", says the vet.


Tommy Cooper Mr. Green

and so:

I went into the butcher's the other day. I said to him, "I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 00:29 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Mr Chickenstripper, how old do you reckon this one is?

Strange but true...... Having woken up from a nightmare in the early hours, the first thought that popped into my head was, 'what kind of confectionary would I give to a great composer?'

It came to me straight away.......

Rolo for Beethoven.
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chickenstrip
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PostPosted: 00:38 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
Hey Mr Chickenstripper, how old do you reckon this one is?.......Rolo for Beethoven.


If you give me your last one, I'll tell you Smile
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THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!
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King29
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PostPosted: 01:46 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just bought an advent calendar: London edition.

Every time you open your door, a chocolate hand tries to stab you.
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Nobby the Bastard
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Joined: 16 Aug 2013
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PostPosted: 13:04 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

King29 wrote:
I just bought an advent calendar: London edition.

Every time you open your door, a chocolate hand tries to stab you.



Aaand you win 'most racist post of the day'
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 22:08 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nobby the Bastard wrote:
Aaand you win 'most racist post of the day'

Are you sure about that?....


(Q) Why is today called Black Friday ?

(A) Because, everything is a steal!


Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaa Boom Boom!
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Riejufixing
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PostPosted: 23:15 - 23 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Old ones??


The world fish-eating championships were held last month in Scotland.

In the Grand Final Jim Hicks, the British champion from Fife, met the Norwegian champion, Sven Oorslaatd. The fish selected to be eaten in this year's Championships was tench.

It was neck and neck until near the end of the contest, when Jim damaged a tooth and had to retire, leaving Sven the victor as he chewed his way through nine whole fish.

The Fife Herald and Post reported:

“One Tooth Free For Fife’s Hicks, Sven Ate Nine Tench”.

Smile
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MCN
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PostPosted: 08:24 - 24 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

chickenstrip wrote:
recman wrote:
A bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vets because of his wonky eyes.
The vet picks up the dog, looks at it's eyes and says,
"Sorry mate, I'm gonna have to put him down."
"What?!", says it's owner, "Why's that? "






"Because he's really heavy", says the vet.


Tommy Cooper Mr. Green

and so:

I went into the butcher's the other day. I said to him, "I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
He said, "no, the steaks are too high."


That joke is so lame that they'd have shot it if it had been told at Ascot.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 08:28 - 24 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riejufixing wrote:
Old ones??


The world fish-eating championships were held last month in Scotland.

In the Grand Final Jim Hicks, the British champion from Fife, met the Norwegian champion, Sven Oorslaatd. The fish selected to be eaten in this year's Championships was tench.

It was neck and neck until near the end of the contest, when Jim damaged a tooth and had to retire, leaving Sven the victor as he chewed his way through nine whole fish.

The Fife Herald and Post reported:

“One Tooth Free For Fife’s Hicks, Sven Ate Nine Tench”.

Smile


ISWYDT and it just has to be a back-handed racist slight against the tight fistedness of Fifers. 🤣
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 10:47 - 24 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Raffles wrote:
Nobby the Bastard wrote:
Aaand you win 'most racist post of the day'

Are you sure about that?....


(Q) Why is today called Black Friday ?

(A) Because, everything is a steal!


Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaa Boom Boom!


I painted my computer black to make it run faster. Now it just doesn't work. Thinking
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 15:07 - 29 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?

The Accused.

What do you call a Scouser in a four bedroom house

A Burglar

How do you know when a Scouse girl has an Orgasm?

She drops her chips.

Why didnt the Scouse lad like Oral sex?

Because he thought a Blow Job would affect his dole money.


How does a Scouse girl know she was raped?

The cheque bounces.

Birth control in Liverpool is known as Crime Prevention.
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Raffles
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PostPosted: 12:33 - 30 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just got the new version of disabled monopoly.

Every space is free parking.
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RhynoCZ
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PostPosted: 20:45 - 04 Dec 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Teacher: Boys, there's going to be a new girl joining our class: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYFy8Tp2Log
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andys675
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PostPosted: 21:05 - 06 Dec 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

best not mention the Grenfell tower advent calendar then
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Skudd
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PostPosted: 21:15 - 06 Dec 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

andys675 wrote:
best not mention the Grenfell tower advent calendar then


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBUe_v6Mi70
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Old Thread Alert!

The last post was made 5 years, 114 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful?
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