A Joke A Day

[MCN]

Scottish chap living South of the border went into his local pub and says, "Barman, can you please get everyone a drink and put it on my tab?"
The barman says, "Of course Jock, what's the big occasion?"

"My wife just delivered baby boy we called him Hamish and I'm out to celebrate."

One of the regulars asked, "What was the baby's weight?
"15lbs 12oz." Jock replied.
"Oh, that's a bit big for a baby." said one of the guys.

"Ocht naw... said Jock. That's jist the normal birth weight for Scottish Bairn."

The next month Jock comes back into the pub and the barman asked, "How's the baby Hamish doing Jock and what weight is he now?"

"Oh he's 15lbs now" said Jock.

"Awww.... That's not so good. Was little Hamish not well Jock?" asked the barman.

"Naw... Not all. The bairn's fine." said Jock. "We had him circumcised last week."
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Disclaimer: The comments above may be predicted text and not necessarily the opinion of MCN.

[AldridgePrior]

Saw a sign today that made me shit my pants.

It said `TOILET CLOSED`.

[AldridgePrior]

Fucking cold out tonight.

It's that cold I saw a Jew putting his hands in his OWN pockets.

.............................

What would happen if you dropped a nuclear bomb in Pakistan?

Fuck all, they're all over here.

.......................
Last night during our row, my wife screamed ,"Try walking a mile in my shoes !"

"Fuck off fatty`, I said , "You've never walked a mile in your shoes either."

Nah, I shouldn't poke fun, she's ill at the moment. She asked me to call up the doctor as she was getting a fever or the flu.
The doctor asked me, "Is she hot ?"
I said, "Not at all, she's fat with greasy stringy hair and a bit of a tash`

............................

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
Here I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?".

............................

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

.............................
What about Dracula's retarded brother?

Count Down.

[Easy-X]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9t-slLl30E
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Husqvarna Vitpilen 401, Yamaha XSR700, Honda Rebel, Yamaha DT175, Suzuki SV650 (loan) Fazer 600, Keeway Superlight 125, 50cc turd scooter

[King29]

My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis.

They met on snapchat

[AldridgePrior]

When it comes to fucking up the punchline I've been there, done that, got the tea cup.

Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his brother Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them....

[bhinso]

Many years ago the Queen and Queen Mother were traveling home in their Bentley, when they were robbed at gun point.

After the incident, the Queen produces the crown jewels, which she managed to save. She told her mother she hid them "Down there."

The Queen Mother replies "It's a pity Margaret wasn't here. We could have saved the Bentley as well."

[trevoriv]

My wife was abducted by a gang of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to her.
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Past: '96 Thundercat, '02 ZX636R (A1P), '58 KTM 690 SM LC4 Current: '06 ZX636R (C6F)
Mudskipper wrote: Someone just has to sig that...

[King29]

Show me a Chinese knight ……. And I will show you a chink in his armour.

[Suntan Sid]

[WreckTangle]

What do you get if you cross the queen and prince Phillip?


killed in a tunnel
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[AldridgePrior]

[RhynoCZ]

My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
____________________
'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[Easy-X]

Me: I see they're sending in the army to recover the bodies from that volcano...
Wife: Army? Why not Filipino maids? They only need a dustpan and brush!
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Husqvarna Vitpilen 401, Yamaha XSR700, Honda Rebel, Yamaha DT175, Suzuki SV650 (loan) Fazer 600, Keeway Superlight 125, 50cc turd scooter

[Kawasaki Jimbo]

I've acquired a taste for brake fluid. Friends say I'm addicted but I tell them I can stop whenever I want to.

[Easy-X]

[Kawasaki Jimbo]

[Howling Terror]

If you rearrange the letters of Postman Pat, he gets really cross.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[WreckTangle]

hang on, joke stolen from frankie boyle:


"of course you have to respect local customs, on the right hand side you will see a woman being burnt at the stake.....

and on the left hand side, dundee town hall"
____________________
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[RhynoCZ]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

A coincidance?
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[bhinso]

[AldridgePrior]

When I heard what Donald Trump saying "We need to stop taking in Pakistanis and Africans from their shithole countries, and instead be taking from countries like Croatia or Norway," it had me so upset that I nearly cried as i went to sleep last night.

With our system, we will never have a First Minister like that here in Scotland.



...........



Gave my new wife her dream `big day` by getting married in a Castle.
But you wouldn't have guessed by the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

..............

Women are finally being allowed to join the Parachute Regiment.

About fucking time as well, there's no way those tough men should be cooking their own meals .


..........

Feminists annual picnic has been cancelled next year.
No one volunteered to make the sandwiches.

[Easy-X]

I have a letter pinned up by my desk at work. I can't photograph it (confidential e-mail addresses and all that) but this is the text body:

[WreckTangle]

When I die, I want to go out quietly in my sleep, like my grandpa....... Not screaming, like the people in his car



- yeah, I am going to hell now for saying that
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[Howling Terror]

Blimey...hear about that explosion in the cheese factory - there was de brie everywhere.
____________________
Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project