A Joke A Day

[King29]

If marriage has taught me one thing in life, it's how to masturbate in bed without waking my wife up.

[bhinso]

"Come in number six, you're time is up."

"But number six is already in."

"OK. Number nine, are you in trouble?"

[bhinso]

Sheepdog to Shepherd : "OK that's 40 sheep".

Shepherd "What? We only have 37."

Sheepdog "I know. I rounded them up."

[panrider_uk]

So I went into Boots yesterday. I asked an assistant what gets rid of this Corona virus.

She said ammonia cleaner.

I said I'm sorry, I thought you worked here.
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Current bike: Honda ST1100

[Howling Terror]

I bet manufacturers of sanitising hand gels must be rubbing their hands together.
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[WreckTangle]

fly be to not fly be?

that is the question.......
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

I asked my hairdresser what cut would make me look more desirable.

“A power cut.”

Was not the answer I expected.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Howling Terror]

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts & Hs."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[bhinso]

[WreckTangle]

A documentary is to be made about tom hanks self-isolating whilst wearing a protective rubber suit.

Forrest gimp is to be released on Monday
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[bhinso]

I saw a good Coronavirus joke last night but I can't remember it

[mentalboy]

[MCN]

[RhynoCZ]

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[WreckTangle]

don't follow football ...but...




Like him or loathe him, gotta admit Jose mourinho's a tactical genius.

He is steering tottenham well clear of European travel next year
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[recman]

[bhinso]

"Daddy, tell me about your role in the great Coronavirus war."

"It was terrible son, I was the rear gunner on the Andrex delivery lorry."

PS: That wasn't it

[WreckTangle]

How come it's only men and women who are getting killed by this coronavirus? how come all the other 800 genders are not getting wiped out?
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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 5 seconds for her birthday. ......................I got her a bathroom scale.

[Howling Terror]

I have a feeling the World Spitting Championships are going to the cancelled...
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Diabolical homemade music Bandcamp and Soundcloud
Singer songwriter, Artist and allround good bloke Listen to Andrew Susan Johnston here
The Harry Turner Project

[yen_powell]

[chickenstrip]

I was at the bank the other day when two blokes came in wearing masks. Everyone started to panic until one of them shouted, "it's ok, this is just a robbery!"
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Chickenystripgeezer's Biking Life (Latest update 19/10/18) Belgium, France, Italy, Austria tour 2016 Picos de Europa, Pyrenees and French Alps tour 2017 Scotland Trip 1, now with BONUS FEATURE edit, 5/10/19, on page 2 Scotland Trip 2 Luxembourg, Black Forest, Switzerland, Vosges Trip 2017
THERE'S MILLIONS OF CHICKENSTRIPS OUT THERE!

[MCN]

[Skudd]

Smoking killed my Gran, she was crossing the road to the Tobacconist when a bus knocked her over.

(It's actually true, but my Grandad thought it was still funny)
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[RhynoCZ]

Greta Thunberg recently attempted suicide for the lack of attention she gets these days. She was found at the last minute in a sealed garage with her electric car running.
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'87 Honda XBR 500, '96 Kawasaki ZX7R P1, '90 Honda CB-1, '88 Kawasaki GPz550, MZ 150 ETZ
'95 Mercedes-Benz w202 C200 CGI, '98 Mercedes-Benz w210 E200 Kompressor

[RhynoCZ]