Ghosts of Christmas Past

[Tracey Suntan-King]

The King side of the family is quite large and we'll all be together on Christmas Day (poor Sid, there's only 4 on the Suntan side).

Tensions are high at the moment as my two sisters are on the verge of a big fall out and, fuelled by cheap Prosecco, too much sugar and festering resentment, there's every chance things will kick off around the time the Queen's speech begins.

FITE!

This impending threat led me to remember the last time the King family Christmas descended into farce.

During a game of charades, my ex brother-in-law (beefy, shaven headed, neck thicker than his head) took his turn. He made the sign of "film" and straight away before he'd given any other clue, someone shouted..."Shrek!"

With the door nearly torn off its hinges, he stormed out and didn't return for the rest of the day. Oh how we laughed......

So BCF, any other tales of Christmas disaster
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[mjn51]

Steaming Xmas Pud, pan boiled dry, the aluminium pan then melted ,the pud caught light , which filled the kitchen full of smoke , result lost pudding , and a stinking flat for weeks , disaster !!!
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Triumph Trophy SE Silver (launch model)

[recman]

We've never done a family xmas, apart from my own kids returning for xmas day. I simply couldn't stand all the bullshit pretence tbh.
It'll be the same again this year, daughter #2 and her boyfriend on xmas day, daughter #3 + boyfriend + granddaughter on boxing day.

My brothers and sisters ruined our 'family' with their constant arguing and one-upmanship and made it entirely dysfunctional so bollox to the rest of them!

[CaNsA]

[Suntan Sid]

My ex in laws go to pub on Christmas morning, they leave at chucking out time, having imbibed a few.
They return home for their Christmas dinner and wash it down with a bottle of bubbly.
My mum had made them a table ornament, pine cones, holly, tinsel, glitter, a candle etc., you know the sort of thing.
Anyway the libations in the pub, the large roast dinner and the champers took the, inevitable, effect and the pair of them dozed off at the dining table.
They awoke to the sound of the smoke alarm, a burning table decoration and a smouldering table cloth.

The house didn't burn down but it makes you think about the batteries in your smoke alarm, or your lack of one!
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"Everybody needs money, that's why they call it money!"

[DRZ4Hunned]

My grandma loves playing Rummikub, I was forced to play it about 10 times that day and I snapped and threw it across the room (I was about 10). Dearest grandmama had a mini-meltdown that her sweetest and dearest had a dark side, I still feel guilty to this day.
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FZS600

[pepperami]

Family! show me a family without a skeleton in the cupboard and I`ll show you some lie`rs!

Made me think of an old busy-body aunty we had.
Thought she knew everything and all kids needed to "be told".

Funny as fvck when she tried to cook with our gas oven and she had always had an electric oven.
She turned the gas on and kept it pressed in while she worked out how to light it..............15-20 seconds later = click BOOM! blew/burnt all the hair off the front of her head
Lots of crying and wailing and a very young Pepperami rolling about on the floor crying with laughter
Peppers sent to his room for the rest of the day
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I am the sum total of my own existence, what went before makes me who I am now!

[Nobby the Bastard]

I was expecting to have to deal with the fallout of my brother suddenly realising that he had nothing to do this christmas after the death of my father just before it last year.

Apparently not. Thank goodness for columbian marching powder...
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Triumph Sprint ST 1050

[andyscooter]

Worst disaster was the old neighbour opposite ssomehow managing to take out the entire roads electric supply

Luckily we were out for lunch but 12 hours of no power didn'tdo all the frozen food any good
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gilera runner vxr200 (chavped)
if its spelt wrong its my fat fingers and daft auto correct on my tablet

[orac]

Reading these makes me happy that I don't do Christmas and even happier that I haven't seen any of useless family for the better part of ten years.
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Current rides - 2016 Triumph Street Triple Rx, 1994 Suzuki Bandit 400 VM, TGB 204 Classic 125cc
"with nothing left to lose, there is everything to gain. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog"

[WD Forte]

Oh don't worry about me.
No family, no friends, but
I'll be alright sat here all on me own all day

Probably have beans on toast before the bread goes off and that half packet of ginger nuts
I've been saving up for afters.
No telly but I've managed to save a couple of bottles of White lightning
so will get stuck into that while I listen to my Leonard Cohen records
and clean the old service revolver.

I wonder if it still works?
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bikers smell of wee

[Polarbear]

[Baffler186]

Mother sloshed hot turkey fat over my Gran's Jack Russell one year. He spent the next hour under the outside tap.
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Current: 2009 SV650 S, 1990 Kawasaki GT550
Previous: 2009 CBF125, 1998 GSF600, 2004 FZ6 Fazer, 1978 CB400a Hondamatic

[LustyLew]

There's a reason I don't play Monopoly.

2pm on Sunday my o/h and flat mate were getting along just fine. Since 3:30pm on Sunday they are no longer speaking and threats of tenancy agreements cancellations are being banded about.

Meanwhile I refuse to take sides!
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Like a Yorkie - I'm not for the girls

[hellkat]

My family can turn into cunts-mode in less than five minutes.

I would dread to think how a whole Christmas Day in NZ would turn out. Holy Shit

Example: completely unrelated to Christmas:
My sister* has a knack of going into one at the drop of a hat. I arrived in Auckland at 7am on a flight from London (several years back) and my mum took me to morning tea (a daily tradition in her household) at 10.30 am. She had arranged to meet my sister (who had no idea I was flying in), which I thought was nice. Coffee and buns is a pleasant way to start one's trip home.

My sister, however, greeted me as if she had seen me only the day before (rather than 5 years ago), and within five minutes she lost her temper when discussing other family matters. Having been bipolar for years and always being "the strange one", she goes from "misunderstood" to "geologically hysterical" in about 30 seconds.

Both myself and Mum went into self-preservational shut-down mode from the absolute embarrassment of having the entire shop (popular coffee shop, very trendy part of Auckland), customers and all the morning-tea-takers staring at us. Mum threatened (quietly) to get up and leave if things didn't calm down. I just sat in complete mortification muttering "Can you please just stop shouting and let's talk sense."

The thought of spending a whole day in that sort of company (especially if my now-adult daughter, whose Fiery-Italian streak ensures she is never short of a sharp word at an appropriate moment, was included into the mix) - god, it absolutely mortifies me.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

*(I thought of a Christmas-related story)
Aged about 11, this is the same sister who spent all her Xmas shopping money, probably NZ$10 back then (1974-ish) on stuff for herself and then had only enough money to buy a packet of Juicy Fruit chewing gum and a book of raffle tickets several each of which she (rather inventively, I now think) put into envelopes as "gifts" for everyone.

And with the ultimate eventuality (in her rather warped imagination) of someone winning the packet of chewing gum.



Her strangeness has always been legendary. The reason (the bipolar) was not diagnosed until she was into her late teens. We somehow survive it.

But none of us can really cope with too much more than half a day of her company. Sometimes I think she struggles to cope with herself.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[recman]

We also have a strange one. Haven't had any contact with her since my Dad's passing away. She tried her level best to ruin the funeral. I'll probably get some kind of notification that's she's died some day. That's the way it is.

Anyway, Merry Xmas and apologies for going off topic.

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Sisters

I'm the eldest of 4, one brother, 2 sisters.

It's the youngest sister who is the problem, I'm wondering if the stories above are about the youngest. is it a thing for the youngest to be mental?

Mind you my "little" sister is now 48 so you'd think she'd have grown out of it by now.

Anyway, back on topic, many years ago I was given a camera for Christmas. Remember the sort you had to open the back of to put the roll of film in? Later on Christmas day, I couldn't find my new camera.

It was eventually found, open and full of ...........poo! In little sister's room. She'd shat in MY Christmas present.*

It was always referred to as the "box brownie" camera after that.

*To be fair, she was 4 at the time but that's not really an excuse, is it?

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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[hellkat]

No, this is a middle sister.
There are three of us.
The youngest is refreshingly "almost sane", like myself
The most certifiably-bonkers of the last generation on that side (My Mum's) of the family was our Aunty Dawn, who was the eldest of three girls. So I don't think there's a pattern at all. I hope it jumps a generation, as Anita (my daughter) is the ONLY member of her generation. If she ever gets round to having kids, they can be as bonkers as they like, I'll be too old and dead to care.

Not sure about nutters on my dad's side. There must be a few. We never really encountered them much.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

[pepperami]

[hellkat]

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Risking overkill now but I've got another tale, this time about my elderly Nan.

One year my Mum decided that instead of cooking she'd take us and our elderly Nanna, out for Christmas Lunch. We ended up booked into some pseudo stately home for a very posh silver service meal.

Although all adult, Mum read the riot act to my siblings and myself (admittedly we do like a drink and share the same sort of peurile sense of humour and can be quite loud once drink has been taken). Riot act went like this,

"This meal is costing a f*cking fortune so don't f*ck it up by being drunk and disorderly and embarrassing me, like you usually do." Imagine this spoken by Dame Judi Dench as M.

So we 4 did as we were told. We were very well behaved.

After the meal, a special visitor arrived to deliver presents for the children. Santa arrived at our table and bent down with his back towards us, to retrieve gifts for the by now very excited kids.

Without warning, Nanna leaned forward, tickled Santa between his open, squatting legs and shouted

"Got anything for me in your hairy sack Santa?"
Imagine this delivered in Dame Maggie Smith's voice.

She then collapsed in shrieking giggles as my Mum shouted "Mother!" and purple with embarrassment, slid under the table.

We've always stayed in on Chrismas day since then.
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Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Nobby the Bastard]

[recman]