Went to see my mum today

[andym]

It's been a while since I've posted anything like this... but....

I moved back to Glasgow just over 2 years ago because I was shocked at the amount of weight my mum had lost (she went from around 17 stone down to around 8 in 3 years), and to be honest back then I didn't think she would survive the year.

I've been going up there at least once a week since I came back, and to be honest it seems like my dad can't wait for her to die... he just totally ignores her, if she tries speaking to me he'll interrupt every time and when he's not there my little brother, (with learning difficulties), will try to do the same.

The (council) house they live in has 3 floors, the living room is on the ground but the toilet is on the first floor. I've been saying to my dad for over a year that they need to move in to a smaller place that's on 1 level as my mum has difficulty walking let alone getting up the stairs (it takes her around 30-45 minutes just to get to the toilet and back), but he says that they aren't moving as they fought for years to get that place.

Anyway, last year my mums best friend passed away and my dad made excuses why she couldn't go (nothing to wear, no way to get there, rather remember them the way there were etc), I was told to phone back later and I could speak to my mum about it, she pretty much said the same as him word for word, but sounded upset when she said it, then when I went up after the funeral she said she did have clothes to wear, then my dad started insulting having a go about this woman's lifestyle.

My cousin got her a wheelchair so she didn't have to stay indoors all the time but it was either given away or binned by my dad and my mum had to try and make excuses (the story changed at least 5 times in 10 minutes about what happened to it)

More recently, a few weeks ago her brother passed away suddenly and after arranging transport etc I found out the day before the funeral my dad would be going in her place..... her side of the family were slightly annoyed at this, as well as me, but again she made excuses similar to her friends funeral. After the funeral I spoke to her doctor about what I believe to be happening (that my dad doesn't want her to leave the house and can't wait for her to die etc), eventually the doctor agreed to get in contact with her to arrange an appointment.... which she didn't attend.

Today I went up there and my mum was a mess, hair all over the place and greasy, she was slumped forward on the sofa and appeared to be passing out every few seconds and could barely move, my brother said that she had been like that for a few days. She tried to light a cigarette but couldn't seem to see the lighter and my dad almost shouted at her pointing out where it was... he was more interested in asking me about this new tablet he had bought (to go with the other 3 and 2 laptops he's bought in the last year).

She flat out refuses to go to the hospital, (because her parents done that and didn't come back out, same with her brother recently), I don't think she has the strength to get to the doctors anymore.Eventually he said that he would phone the doctor if she wasn't better in a couple of days, but after me nagging he said he would call them today.... which I doubt he will, so I've called her surgery to try speaking to her doctor and see if she will do a home visit.

After seeing the state of my mum today, I don't think she has long left, weeks if I'm being generous, days if I'm being realistic... So should I just leave them to it and accept it or should I get involved?

[Andy_Pagin]

What a horrible situation. Personally I think I would get involved. Your dad clearly does not have your mum's best interests in mind, and I would say your mum is no longer in a fit state to make decisions about her health. I would tell the doctors you think your mum is dying, if they don't get there pronto then I'd call 999 and tell the paramedics the same. I'm fairly certain there's a process similar to 'sectioning' they can use to force someone into hospital if they're clearly not able to look after themselves.
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Sent you a PM mate

[LustyLew]

Firstly, I'm sorry to read your situation, it must be awful to feel helpless for your mum.


As part of my ambulance training we have to attend a number of courses on 'safeguarding'. Everyone always thinks of abuse as the Jimmy Saville types, but it spreads much wider.

Your father is an abuser. Withholding care and support is abuse. Bullying and ignoring her is abuse.

Get in touch with Social Services at the council, here. Get in touch with Age UK and have a look for any other local support charities who might be able to assist.

Challenging your father head on may make the situation worse. Also, if your brother has special needs, are his being met by your father? Is he on the receiving end of similar treatment?

I'm really trying not to over-step the mark, but it sounds like your dad needs a serious talking to.
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[staffo]

Take her away from that. If these are going to be her last days, you dont want them to be in a place like that. If you leave her there it will be something you'll end up regreting for the rest of your days.
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[andym]

Thanks for the replies....

Andy, I can understand why she doesn't want to go in to hospital as both her parents passed away after being in for a few days, also her brother found out he had cancer in September he was taken in to hospice care and passed away a couple of days later. She managed to say that she was taking her medication today, but that was all she managed. I would like her to go see the doctor or the doctor to go see her then see what's decided... if she refuses to go to hospital and my dad refuses to let her go then I don't know if I'd be allowed to make the decision, as I do believe she urgently needs help.

Matt, was in the process of replying, will get back to that later.

Lew, I do feel helpless, and harsh as it sounds I've been expecting her to go downhill since I moved back here.... it's partly them that is stopping me from helping too. This is partly guessing, but when my mum gets up she goes down to the livingroom, sits on the same seat and just chain smokes for the full day.... and that is now her life.

The one chance I had to speak to her when my dad and brother weren't there, she told me that she couldn't go to her brothers funeral because she had a dodgy stomach which she thinks is down to fried food, she's told my dad that it makes her ill but he still keeps frying everything. The one day I was there when she had something to eat it was a small plate with what looked like a burger and a small amount of boiled potatoes.... which unless it is fried then he doesn't know anything more than boiling potatoes apparently.

As for my brother, he is around 37 but has a mental age of around 10.... other than being told to shush a lot when he tries talking I don't think there's any abuse going on there

[andym]

Oh well.... it's just the waiting game now.

Just had a phone call from the doctor.... my mum has said I'm NOT to be given ANY information about her.

[ScaredyCat]

The only advice I can offer is, "Do something" - if you do nothing you will have to carry that with you every single day after she's gone. It will gnaw at you, eat away at you creep up on you when you are happiest and tear you down and there will be nothing you can do to make it go away. It is not something I'd wish on anyone. Act now, acting after is pointless.

Can't you take her out for the day, you'll be able to talk to her properly. If she needs a wheelchair, the British Red Cross will do short term loans. You can keep it in your car (you have one?) for when you visit her. Take her to one of those big old houses push her around in the wheelchair and get her to relax and open up, some lunch and a bit of coffee and cake later in the afternoon. Perhaps you'll get more from her, she'll , at leat, have had the chance. You'll also both have a nice day to remember.
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[RPM]

I agree with all of the views expressed here, especially the point made by ScaredyCat.

Do something, or at least attempt to do something, even if you can only let her know that you love her and will be there for her.

I think that life provides us with plenty of opportunities for regrets or reproach.
None of which are bigger than those involving our own flesh and blood.

[Ariel Badger]

Ttalk to Social Services, seriously.
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[doggone]

You may just have to accept the end is near, it is much easier to see the dramatic decline when you haven't seen her for a while.
It is difficult but the time comes to us all and if intervention now results in being taken to a hospital or hospice is that really what she would want?

[pepperami]

Do what Ariel Badger said, speak to Social Services.
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[BTTD]

That sounds pretty fucked up. My first thought is to chin the old man and get your mum and bro out of there, but in reality that isn't going to work out quite so neatly.
Being harsh (realistic?) what happens next?
Your mum dies, your dad goes for the cheapest funeral and doesn't invite anyone. He keeps getting the cash for caring for your brother who spends his life being told to shush.
Nobody around your father is getting a decent quality of life.

[Fin]

Getting your mum to the doctors and getting treatment will last a year at best (guessing) and I doubt that will be a year of happy times. I'd recommend trying to get her out the house for a while, maybe take her for a meal or push her around a garden center with a nice cafe. Smoking all day and not getting enough nutrients from food (or tablets), not getting fresh air would make anyone feel shit, yet alone someone who is at the end of their life and being abused slightly.

I'd say you've tried already but aren't able to help, ignore the medical care (she doesn't want it as you said, family died there), all organs deteriorate eventually, save the NHS some money). Maybe she accepts that your dad wants her to die and maybe she is trying by smoking all day to bring the end nearer and escape the house/ shitty part of life.

Try and take her out, make sure she doesn't think your tricking her into going to the hospital, at least buy her a plant if she refuses to go out, then you are bringing a little of the outdoors inside.


I am very cynical when it comes to old people and healthcare, I know I will be old someday but if I can't look after myself and tax society then I'll want to finish the game.

[Ste]

[Polarbear]

My heart does out to you. It's a horrible situation to be in.

My Mum died from MS complications while I was away at sea. I found out my stepfather wasn't the most sympathetic person towards her near the end.

30 years on it still gnaws at me I wasn't there for her so at least do what you can to give her some enjoyment before she goes. Do it for yourself as you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.
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[Ste]

[Asharin]

[ScaredyCat]

[Undinist]

I wish I could advise, but I don't think I'm qualified to. So this isn't advice, just maybe something for you to think about: have you considered confronting your father and telling him that you know what he's up to? Even if it doesn't help your mum, would it make you feel better to have got it off your chest?

[Sun Wukong]

Man, that sucks. Really.

I stepped in with my father's abuse of my mother. It caused me a lot of problems with the family, and I am essentially orphaned now as she took his side - but I ended the silence and got them talking about it at least.

It wasn't until I did that that I could hold my head high though.

I echo all the other comments here, at this point "dad" is just the abuser of your mother, and if it wasn't your dad you know exactly what you'd be saying to him when he started making excuses for why she had to stay there.

As said, take her out for a trip, and make it firmly and abundantly clear to your father that he'll be sitting out his days in a wheelchair if he interferes. Seemed to work
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[Vincent]

Sorry to hear this....that's really rough. My Dad and Mum loved each other very much but I have to admit, my Dad wasn't quite on the ball as much as he could have been when it came to caring for my Mum in her last few years. They're from the generation where the bloke works and the wife treats him like a child all his life, (even tho my Mum worked too)...cooking for him, washing his underpants, running after him when he's not well. She very rarely complained though
Sorry, I don't have much advice , I wouldn't go to Social services as a first measure personally, maybe you could try citizens advice?
FFS, don't start the "blame yerself" game I did that a bit after I lost my Mum, I think it's natural to think you could do more but it sounds like your Mums decided she's not going to hospital and that can be hard to get over, maybe someone in a different position to you could convince her....a doctor for eg?.
Is your Ma on any medication? Prescribed or otherwise? It may be what's making her nod off uncontrolably.
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[Ste]

Citizens advice will just tell you to go to safeguarding at social services.

The only thing those miserable individuals at social services will actually do is safeguard their own jobs. The way they conduct their business is vile, the notes and records they keep will all be misleading to the extent that they aren't worth the paper they're written on.

Don't get into blaming yourself, fault very clearly lies with the individual you're trying to bring to social services attention and from that point blame lies with social services for not doing anything.

It's not going to be a quick fight because the safeguarding team are very blase with their negligence. They know exactly what they're doing, they fuck people over this way every day and don't care about any of them.

Don't let them get away with it. Them being social services and the individual(s) who social services should be taking action against.

[Tierbirdy]

[Omega]

We obviously don't know the full history and details but I'm just throwing it out there that your dad sounds like he is struggling too. He might have been a bit of a dick in the past or whatever but seeing his life partner going through this must be traumatic.

It might be easier to approach the situation trying to get help for them both. Full on sympathise with how hard he has it right now and how much easier it would be if he had some more help even if you don't believe it. Make it clear that he shouldn't be having to handle everything on his own or that he deserves some time to himself etc. I can't really offer any suggestions as to where to start, just saying that there doesn't have to be a "bad guy" in the story.