Family advice for friend from difficult past - CSE

[Sun Wukong]

Ok, so I will keep this short (for me) and objective, and would appreciate sensitive but direct responses as my friend will be given the link.

Essentially, Sophie is the oldest child of a large family, in her early twenties, raised conservative Christian (America). She has been working overseas for a year now, and has been working on her personal development diligently throughout that time

On her arrival overseas, she had limited knowledge of pop culture, had restricted views on what clothes she was allowed to wear and had been fed an alarming amount of mistruth.

Unfortunately, the story is a bit more complicated still;

When Sophie was young, her father used to go in to her room, so to speak. This continued for several years until he one day handed himself in. At the time, the age was the main factor, as Sophie was not really aware that anything was unusual about their relationship. After a ugly and traumatic few months, he was eventually sentenced and went to jail for several years.

During that time, Sophie suffered a lot from her (close knit religious) community, lots of victim-blaming and supporting the abuser over her. The mother in particular seemed to blame her for it, and Sophie seems to have had an almost Cinderella childhood - essentially raising her siblings for her mother [That's how I've seen it, Soph, from how you've described it].

Now, fast forward, and he got out. He doesn't believe in divorce. Man and wife should be back together, "let's make it work".

So they move him back in to the house. Sophie was asked if it was ok, but it was coerced and out of the blue. Since moving back in to the house, the mother has been acting very jealous and insecure if they ever spend time together, and he still makes Sophie uncomfortable regularly. The father is still very keen on teaching the best ways to be moral and virtuous (Trousers are the devil, they show the ass properly!), and considers almost all mainstream TV evil.

Ned Flanders, if you will. But more Giggidy giggidy than hideley-ho.

Anyway.

During the past year, despite Sophie's best efforts to maintain pleasant communication, there have been several emotionally manipulative emails from her father, and she is clearly expected to move back in to the house and help reset the status quo.

Sophie has to go back to complete her studies anyway, and can earn good money over summer to pay for her to move out/live away during her studies.

Her concern now though is... Where should she stay when she first goes back in a month or two.

She has made enormous strides in her personal development, confidence, self-esteem and is generally twice the size she was a year ago.

This will upset the apple cart when she goes back, IMHO, as she is not fitting the role she had previously been assigned/fostered, and is supposed to be the family scapegoat.

She has already agreed for her best friend to collect her from the airport, instead of the family, and this has led to some emotional blackmail from them. She is worried that finding an AirBnB or motel for the first few nights/week would upset them further.

IMHO, and based on my own experiences with family visits and general things bubbling away unsaid... I really wish I'd quit drinking earlier, and had the spare money to stay out of my parents house/pocket while back in the UK.

I don't want to be her only source of advice, so would appreciate any input from others. I will also go in to more details, if I know them, if requested.

What would be prudent for Sophie to do, when returning to the USA after a year working overseas, in cultural immersion (Modern Brit and Asian), back to the above mentioned situation?

Answers on a postcard
____________________
Top cat
"Hard times lead to hard people. Hard people lead to good times. Good times lead to weak people. Weak people lead to hard times." Smegballs
"Oh and STE balloons would be one of the nicer things we would receive at the office, the amount of dog turd in jiffy bags is not funny." Jsmith86

[arry]

[P.addy]

Leave them. Start new life elsewhere and be welcomed by many rather than shunned by a few.

[Itchy]

Simple:

You cannot run away from yourself, wherever you go, there you are...

Running away just builds up future problems. Build strong foundations so those problems cease to be significant.
____________________
Spain 2008France 2007Big one 2009 We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. In the end, your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

[Sun Wukong]

[ScaredyCat]

Why is she going back to them? She has her own life, she needs to move on with it. Being emotionally manipulated on every single decision is not a good thing, stay away.

Any community that protects and supports a nonce instead of the child victim is fucked up anyway.

Walk away (Rene), don't look back (in anger), run to the hills (run for your life)
____________________
Honda CBF125 ➝ NC700X
Honda CBF125 ↳ Speed Triple

[Rogerborg]

<White-Knighting-intensifies.jpg>

The only thing she should be taking back to that household is an AR-15 and plenty of clips.
____________________
Biking is 1/20th as dangerous as horse riding.
GONE: HN125-8, LF-250B, GPz 305, GPZ 500S, Burgman 400 // RIDING: F650GS (800 twin), Royal Enfield Bullet Electra 500 AVL, Ninja 250R because racebike

[Itchy]

[pepperami]

[Rogerborg]

[dydey90]

She's clearly developed massively while outside of the influence of her family. Sounds like they're controlling and oppressive and have stunted her emotional development.
She may want to be part of the family, but while they're onside with an incestuous paedophile she needs to be staying as far away as possible.

Having made this thread, you, the OP need to show it to Sophie (which I hope is a substitute name) in all its glory. Even with everything that has happened she will still has a rose-tinted view of the situation due to her relationship with her abuser and the things being said by the rest of her family.

+1 for AR15. Would also recommend sawn-off and 9mm for indoors.

Edit: where it says CSA in the title, should that be CSE? Child sexual exploitation.
____________________
This post is probably not serious and shouldn't be taken literally.
Past: CBR125,ER6f NINJA 650, ZZR600 Current: VFR750

[Tracey Suntan-King]

Clearly Sophie has made great progress in living the life she wants and putting the despicable actions of her father behind her. She has great strength and courage. However this progress is threatened by how she responds to the pressure from her father and family.

Sophie must always remember that nothing that happened was her fault, from what her father did, to the actions of her mother and siblings.

I suspect that her father has convinced himself, his family and possibly (he believes) his God, that he has repented and therefore is forgiven. The last piece of his "redemption" is Sophie's forgiveness. Or, the appearance (to his family and community) of forgiveness by returning to the family.

Sophie cannot change her past, she can only change how she lives with her past. She has to do this in a way which is best for her, not for anyone else.

Her decision has to be about what is best for her, not for her Father or the family.

Her decision is not where to stay, it is, simply, can she forgive him? There can be no compromise, it's either true forgiveness or nothing.

If she has the slightest reservation about forgiving him, she can not go back, but must move on and build her life without her family. She has good friends and great strength, she will have a good life.

If she can truly forgive, then she can go back to the family and build her future with them in it.

Sophie don't go back to make them happy, put your own happiness first.

Finally, if you choose to live away from them, in your home country, the law will protect you from harassment particularly as he has previously been convicted of harm.

Good luck.
____________________
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're probably right

[Polarbear]

Removed
____________________
Triumph Trophy Launch Edition

[Sun Wukong]

[Suntan Sid]

[Sun Wukong]

[GhostRider]

Both parents seem to be well versed in emotional blackmail; cunning and manipulative. The audacity for the father to continue to proclaim the "right way" to live despite being a fiend backs that up on its own.

She needs to divorce her parents/family. Legally. Then cut all communication - eradicate them from her life essentially. Probably restraining order as well as I'd imagine they'll try to interfere still if they know where she is studying/staying etc. Change emails etc so no contact from them is possible, as if they can, they will, and they'll try all the tricks in the book to make her feel like she is somehow at fault and has a duty to come home to suffer more abuse at their hands.

After all that, get the fuck on with enjoying life free of aforementioned weight on shoulders.

GhostRider
____________________
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

[GhostRider]

[Lord Percy]

Aside from this family thing, is there anything else tying her down to her home area in the US? If not, stay well away. The siblings will surely understand. If she can handle a year of living on the other side of the world, she can surely handle settling into a new life in a new part of the US. Better to do it as soon as she returns as well, before getting bogged down by whatever mess she's returning to. Personally I'd already be looking into life/opportunities in whatever states are as far away from home as possible.

Unless part of her really really wants to get back on good terms with the parents too. Hard to see that being the case though, if there was all the victim blaming nonsense going on before. Sounds pretty harrowing.

[Suntan Sid]

[mentalboy]

Am I old fashioned in thinking that by the time kids hit their 20's they should be actively engaged in seeking a life independent of their parents, regardless of how they were treated as kids?
Society today seems to think that it's normal to molly-coddle one's brood into their mid thirties. The number of immature adults I meet who still live with their folks is staggering beyond belief.

So ,yes, I believe Sophie should strike out on her own, especially when her current domestic arrangements are as bad as they are.

[anthony_r6]

[orac]

I walked away from my family for less.
I would seriously think about filing a police (show email, keep records of other contact) complaint to ends of obtaining a restraining order.
Honestly that sort of crap is not worth trying to deal with, life is way too short. Sophie appears to have gotten her life sorted without them, and they are threatening to throw it all away because of what they think and want with no regard to her.

there are times when a person has to think about themselves and what they need, or for that matter, don't need. I can guarantee that there is no human being out there that needs what Sophie's' parents are putting her through.

walk away, crash with a friend stay in a hotel do whatever it takes to ensure that parents have no idea where about she's staying.

also forget about any form of religion, most follower are judgmental self centred and ignorant. the father handed himself in, he knew he had done wrong. so how anybody can accuse sophie for being in the wrong is beyond me and shows the mentality of the people making the accusations
____________________
Current rides - 2016 Triumph Street Triple Rx, 1994 Suzuki Bandit 400 VM, TGB 204 Classic 125cc
"with nothing left to lose, there is everything to gain. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog"

[Robby]

Why isn't he in prison?

The parents are going to divorce within a couple of years. All they can do at the moment is (openly) talk about how they're putting their faith in God and (inwardly) blame Sophie for everything. Fine, while they can keep that up. When they can't and have to force the fact that the dad's a nonce, it falls apart.

She doesn't have to forgive him - which is probably what they're after. Americans seem to go if for "forgiveness" as the answer to quite awful crimes.

As for Sophie, sounds like she's a Christian in the right-wing American mould of Christianity. Ugly version of the religion. She would do very well to have some proper conversations with the CofE (or equivalent) priest. A lot less on the rules, a lot less on the old testament, a very different (more balanced) interpretation of the same book. Also generally capable of having a long conversation about just about anything without mentioning God once.

[Nobby the Bastard]

You really need to ask what the answer is?

Quite frankly, in normal civilised countries (which clearly excludes the states) the equivelent of social services would give an ultimatum to the Mother, either the paedo is exluded from the family home or the children will be taken into care.

And rightly so, imho.
____________________
trevor saxe-coburg-gotha:"Remember this simple rule - scooters are for men who like to feel the breeze on their huge, flapping cunt lips."
Triumph Sprint ST 1050