Driverless cars will be so good.

[lingeringstin...]

Apparently everybody is an expert on bikes they’ve never owned, ridden or worked on.

I am increasingly being told wild and untrue stories about my bike and have become increasingly wary of ever stopping anywhere for any reason when I’m out and about due to the instantaneous appearance of elderly zombie bike nerds who spring from nowhere every time I pause my forward motion, who then shuffle about gesturing and mumbling incoherent blasphemies and telling me in sage fashion about the bike I’m sat arse on as if they were somehow blessed with retaining the secret Wisdom Of The Ancients by some Holy decree. And the thing is, they’re almost always totally WRONG.

Personally I blame all blokes over A Certain Age, the ones who’ve suddenly discovered they’re retired and not dead yet so instead of toddling off down the allotment like a good little corpse to dabble in vegetable matter and play with assorted overly stupid gardening tools they instead become “vintage” bike fanatics and, after having soaked up all the total lies and misprinted bullshit available on tinternet, venture forth to spew their newfound gospel bike twaddle at anybody else they happen to come across on an interesting or nonstandard bike as if we are all part of some weird “brotherhood” just because it’s got two wheels and goes vroom.

They’re the ones who pull up in their Ford Vectras next to a 1990‘s Japanese ratbike or a home built VW trike at the lights and say things like “I had one of them during the war!” or, even worse, accost you at petrol pumps or parking lots and need to tell you that they had a 1953 Thrunge Wangler when they were a lad, that could do The Ton standing still, two up on the motorway, in first gear, and how they broke both legs and all four arms once coming airborne over the Cat And Fiddle in a snowstorm or some such lengthy insanity of cobbled together FOAF tales and outright bullshit gleaned from the microfiched letters pages of obsolete and unimportant imitation Hell’s Angles bike magazines found at the arse end of the internet, told to you with a swear that it really happened to them just ask Dave down the pub (deceased) if it’s true or not. And it’s getting worse.

Not only do these annoying leathery zombies claim to have had any bike you could mention, like a Scott sidevalve H2O, for instance, WITH quick release wheel rims, but they also amazingly know every single molecule of fact about the very bike I’m sat on as if I’ve only owned the thing for five minutes and had no idea what it was even though I’ve changed, modified, altered, replaced and invented every single nut, bolt and wire on the thing repeatedly over the last quarter of a century but nevermind that because THIS bloke knows even more than I do and he’s going to be damned sure to tell me all about it whether I’m listening or not.

I’m exasperated at the amount of sheer codswallop that gets told to me about the bike I am sitting on that I built myself (several times over) and I am bewildered by the continued regurgitation of untrue “facts” that keep being bleated at me from the faceholes of bewhiskered wrinkly chinwaggers who’s entire knowledge of motorcycles in actuality stems from a Bantam they once owned for a week back in 1953 which they promptly fell off of and never rode again or the CG125 clone they rode for a day in 1996 to take their test on (which they failed and never retook) but they’ve seen Youtube videos of people riding bikes really fast so that makes them experts even though the sum total of their expertise could be condensed into one short, smelly piss ant fart in a nutshell.

No, they’re Suzuki GS750 forks. No, I used a bottom yoke for a top one. That would be a Harley or an Indian probably. No, you’re thinking of a Jawa- they’re completely different bikes made in a totally different country. No not Russian either. No, that’s not a standard tank. I have no idea, I found it in a hedgerow. Of course not. That bit came from a car, I forget which make. With a hammer. Yes, with a hammer. That’s an SU carb and no they didn’t come with them. I have no idea. No, that bit’s Yamaha. 1960‘s probably, I don’t know. No, that bit’s Honda. No, that’s off a Vauxhall. 1980‘s at a guess. Yes they do. YES. THEY. DO. Well it’s been like that for 20 years so it must work. The WHAT? There isn’t one on this bike, it’s a two stroke. I don’t know, never seen one. No, I made that bit. And that. No. Yes. Whatever fits. Yes, no. Can’t remember. Chinese. No, you’re thinking of a CZ- totally different. No that’s MV Agusta, they’re Italian or something, I have no idea and nor do I care. I drilled holes in it. Yes it does. No it doesn’t. Bent it to fit with a screwdriver. No, that’s on a BMW. No, yop’re thinking of a Norton or a Triumph or something. With a hacksaw and a welder. That bit’s for a C90. This one? Five. No, really- five. Yes five, No, one. Just one. Because it just is. I wouldn’t know. No, you’re thinking of a Panther with a sidecar. What? Probably Kawasaki if I remember right. No the clutch isn’t there. NO IT’S NOT. It’s THERE. Yes it is. No, there is none of that on this bike. I don’t know, maybe brown. No, it uses petrol. Yes, in the tank. Oh you did, did you. I see. Well how about that. Gosh. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just really REALLY don’t care.

[owl]

can you give us a tl;dr summary
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[The Shaggy D.A.]

...and relax
____________________
Chances are quite high you are not in my Monkeysphere, and I don't care about you. Don't take it personally.
Currently : Royal Enfield 350 Meteor
Previously : CB100N > CB250RS > XJ900F > GT550 > GPZ750R/1000RX > AJS M16 > R100RT > Bullet 500 > CB500 > LS650P > Bullet Electra X & YBR125 > Bullet 350 "Superstar" & YBR125 Custom > Royal Enfield Classic 500 Despatch Limited Edition (28 of 200) & CB Two-Fifty Nighthawk > ER5

[duhawkz]

Cool story bro
____________________
"The guy is a worthless cunt and I honestly believe I would be a slightly happier person if he died." - Chris-Red

[stinkwheel]

Try owning an Enfield...

You should speak to Wally on here (1930's Arial). He invented a completely fabricated but highly plausible model of Arial motorcycle (The "Badger") and uploaded details of it to Wikipaedia to prove a point about data sources to his class. It landed up being listed by the owners club and members of said club were heard holding-forth about it..

He then pushed it a step further and built one.
https://www.bikechatforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=1882380
____________________
“Rule one: Always stick around for one more drink. That's when things happen. That's when you find out everything you want to know.”
I did the 2010 Round Britain Rally on my 350 Bullet. 89 landmarks, 3 months, 9,500 miles.

[tom_e]

Tef...?

[Pjay]

Cool story, needed more dragons.

[Andy_Pagin]

[goto10]

[Rogerborg]

[stinkwheel]

[Snowdonia Rider]

I'll talk about Enfields if it's a .303
____________________
I want your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.
Suzuki GP125 Suzuki GSX600F Suzuki SV650S KTM EXC250F SkyTeam Bongo 125
My YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/SnowdoniaRider

[dydey90]

[Rogerborg]

[owl]

wow, I'm really sorry these people tied you up and forced you to listen to their drivel, I mean they did right? that's why you couldn't just ignore them and walk/ride away?
____________________
Observation is the greatest source of wisdom.

[Pjay]

I'm not sure what driverless cars have to do with any of this.

[owl]

[Mawsley]

I love drinking during the day too.

Yay drink!

[Pjay]

[Kris]

[owl]

[Rogerborg]

[stinkwheel]

[ThatDippyTwat]

I'm going to suggest flashbacks from shit acid, and Probable PTSD.

I'm not sure what you're saying, but by fuck, you mean it. Carry on.

[M.C]