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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 10:45 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Thoughts on potential manipulation... Reply with quote

Ok Guys, im having problems with someone i call a friend... so I thought id take a page out of Tef’s book… sorry. Ill put a TL:DR at the end but you’ll get a much better understanding of whats going on if you read it all.

Backstory - I double booked myself for the weekend of 1st and 2nd July between a house warming party in Milton Keynes, and paddle round the pier at Brighton (no - its not a hazing event involving wooden spanking implements)
I offered to leave the party early on the night of the 1st and join him in brighton for the paddle on the 2nd. Conversation runs thusly…

DramaLlama wrote:
You seem to be putting this on me as if I've done something wrong. Which is fine if that makes you feel better.
Firstly we've planned to do paddle round the pier from some point of summer last year.
You've been saying yes u wanna go as long as that. I've checked with you that we're still on for it loads and even confirmed with u before I booked the time off.
Your message saying you've spoken to various people and offering to come on the Sunday is honestly insulting.
Trying to appease me by squeezing in a part of our plans feels like the kind of gesture a heartless large company would do to try and keep a customer.
It's a half arsed attempt on your part to try and allow u to keep me happy and at the same time do wat u want.
If you think it's ok to commit to plans with me for this long then bale just days before that's fine but it's not ok with me.
Secondly your suggestion that you've made this offer and it's up to me if I accept or continue being annoyed. Detach your offer which I think I've responded to adequately above I want to point out I have a greater range of feelings that ok and annoyed.
I've given you everything over the course of our friendship. Loyalty, honesty, stability, strength, protection, help, fun, love, care, I've been anything and everything you needed, u name it I've done it for you. I've never let you down in anyway.
As u know there have been times I questioned if I should have because you've seemed not to care about it or me. I've questioned with you that you seemed to not put into me what I put into you. And I've always listened to you. You said you want a meaningful friendship, a best friend, someone who's there regardless. I've been understanding when you said despite wanting that you struggle with breaking your old habits. And I've tolerated a lot from you in terms of not things that you've done that I've found hard or hurtful.
I know who I am. I know where I come from, I know my morals and my expectations.
Of late you know I've even questioned if my expectations that people be loyal, committed, honest, protective and caring of each other in friendships. I asked are my standards to high? You said no and you know what, your right.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that people do better together.
I'm not questioning if I'm right or wrong of if I'm expecting to much of people.
I'm all of those things and more. Despite being completely able to be all the bad things in life I choose to be good. I choose to be kind, but I am not weak.
I'm not really sure what you want me to say to you. So I guess a limited truth seems the best.
You know me, you know who I am, you know what I stand for and you know I chose to be part of you.
What I saw in u remains.
But like I said, I am not weak. I will not be neglected, used or abused. I will not be a fallback or play second to anyone or anything. Just because I chose to align with you doesn't mean I need to.
I remain the same. I have not changed.
This now, is all you.
What you have,
What you value,
What you expect,
What you give,
What you receive,
What you let go
What you fight for
What You want is up to you and if you and what you do will have an effect on Your future options and choices.!

me wrote:
First of all, this was a genuine mistake on my part - I double booked myself unaware of the clash of dates.
Secondly - you are aware I have many different disparate groups of friends, my offer of Sunday was attempting to hold up 2 agreements. I said I would attend the house party, I also said I'd do paddle round the pier, this way both can happen.
I am aware it's not a perfect solution but it is a solution that looks to satisfy both groups involved.
I am not pinning this on you, this was my mistake - I accept that. I feel my commitment to honour the paddle round the pier event is just and appropriate given the circumstances.
If you still want to do it then brilliant! I'll drive! Otherwise maybe next year and I'll write my Facebook events in my paper diary and avoid these kinds of situations in future.
Similarly - offer is still open for house of cards this week - just not tomorrow or Wednesday as I'm on 0700-1900 in Kent those days.
Keep me posted Smile

DramaLlama wrote:
You commitment to me is nothing more than a token gesture a 'if I have to' saying u can do sunday is half arsed measure to appease me and you wouldn't be ok if I'd done this to u, but then I wouldn't.
I'm not taking this as another one of them things tim. This is you letting me down AGAIN! something I've never done to you. And it's not ok.
I love tim and I've done everything I can for you and us. You know that. But As far as I'm concerned your this ones all on you
A real friend doesn't bail on someone they have made plans with for that long.
A best friend definitely doesn't
So what ur actually saying is:
Jesse I'd rather go to a house party
And that's ok your life, your decisions your friendships your choices
I'm working till 11 today then sleeping at work tomorrow into we'd have a meetings midday Thursday
Friday I may go dl Brighton comedy night, then I'll be at paddle round the pier sat and sun
When you've decided what matters to u and what u want. You know where I am.

Me wrote:
If you think I wouldn’t be ok with the situation being reversed then you definitely don’t know me at all

DramaLlama wrote:
if you know me you know this is not ok

I read this as just trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants me to.
I made some notes on my thoughts about this which ive documented below…
My Brain wrote:
I'm only going to tell you once more that this is an actual mistake because 1) you aren't going to accept it and 2) like you said with my work "you can't convince people to think something when they believe something
Why does it bother you so much that I'm ok with being let down? You and i react differently to any given situation, why should mine and your reaction be the same? We don't think alike, we definitely don't behave alike, why should we react alike? As long as I'm ok and comfortable in myself with what happens why does it matter if I'm bothered or not if someone let's me down?
The fact that I'm not bothered if someone let's me down is in no way related to how I feel about someone. I'm not disappointed if my parents let me down and I love them to bits! I Just see it as wasted time and energy getting disappointed and sad when i could move past it and get on with whatever it was I planned to do anyway.
There is no reason I can think of why you would be bothered about me not being bothered unless you actually set out to change me in some way. If you didn't intend to change my behaviour in some way regarding this then why would it bother you so much? You may not like that I can be so dismissive of disappointment but if you can't and don't want to change it then you would have accepted that it's a part of me, dropped it and moved on.
As for how i treat You - we've had almost a year of unrestricted time to do stuff and find places and activities we both enjoy - Now that I work a Monday to Friday role as well as trying to eat, exercise and maintain my household tasks I feel you are mistaking my personal administration for neglect. I think all this time you and I have spent galavanting around has given you a false sense of how I am normally.
Before where I had 3 or 4 12 hour days meant I had more blocks of free time with which to do things - a 5 day working week has left us with very little time aside from weekends with which to do stuff. I like my 8 hours sleep, I like to swim and exercise and enjoy some select tv shows on a weekly basis.
Now I have to make my weekdays a routine in order to get everything I need to do into the available time I have. It's not a slight on You - it's me being the most productive I can be.


TL;DR – mate decided that my mistakenly making 2 different plans for the same day is an unforgiveable transgression and accuses me of being a shit friend… then states his values and tries to apply them to me saying I’ve changed since I went back to full time work. Hes rejected my attempts to compromise between both plans resulting in me being guilt tripped into cancelling my attendance at the housewarming to keep him happy.

FYI – If I actually tell him what my thoughts are its gonna create a whole new drama in itself… so that may follow at a later date in this thread.

Thoughts?
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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J4mes
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PostPosted: 10:50 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's not your friend.
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DRZ4Hunned
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PostPosted: 10:57 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like a total weirdo, would block ASAP and go house party. Thumbs Up
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Ste
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PostPosted: 10:59 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Re: Thoughts on potential manipulation... Reply with quote

The999Kid wrote:
a house warming party involving wooden spanking implements

Shocked
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Paris2
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PostPosted: 11:02 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds to me that your friend is putting more emotion in to this relationship than you.

Perhaps they are after more than friendship? Thinking
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 11:22 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paris2 wrote:
Sounds to me that your friend is putting more emotion in to this relationship than you.

Perhaps they are after more than friendship? Thinking


He's admitted he knows a relationship between us wouldn't work...

And very much so - I'm incredibly emotionally suppressed by choice, find it much easier to live this way. He's pretty much ruled by his...
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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pdg
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PostPosted: 11:26 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

The999Kid wrote:
Paris2 wrote:
Sounds to me that your friend is putting more emotion in to this relationship than you.

Perhaps they are after more than friendship? Thinking


He's admitted he knows a relationship between us wouldn't work...

And very much so - I'm incredibly emotionally suppressed by choice, find it much easier to live this way. He's pretty much ruled by his...


Yeah right.

He still wants you to paddle round his pier and is jealous about the possibility of you warming someone else's "house".
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angryjonny
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PostPosted: 11:33 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

General rule (family excluded):

If having someone involved in your life makes your life better, keep them in your life.

If having someone involved in your life makes your life worse, jettison them. Friendships have their ups and downs, but if the general trend is negative, you're better off without them.
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Ste
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PostPosted: 11:37 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you better at paddling than he is?
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 11:38 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ste wrote:
Are you better at paddling than he is?


I know my way around a rigid shaft...
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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chris-red
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PostPosted: 11:44 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't engage with it. Responding and addressing their whinging just feeds into their BS.


I think I would have told him 'If you feel like that I'll just got to the party then' after the 1st message.

Short blunt messages tend to work best with these people, they either stop being a dick or fuck off.
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ScaredyCat
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PostPosted: 11:47 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not sure what the issue is.

You've made plans to do something together. He's been looking forward to it, you haven't. Your lack of forward planning has caused a double booking - even though he's checked with you more than once to see if it's OK still.

I presume you've never heard of a calendar or some such. If it had been something you'd wanted to do, it'd have been in your calendar. Your lack of organisational skills isn't really the issue, it's the excuse.

You don't hold his friendship in high regard, you're not really making much effort to maintain the friendship so say goodbye and go your separate ways.
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 11:55 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

ScaredyCat wrote:
Not sure what the issue is.

You've made plans to do something together. He's been looking forward to it, you haven't. Your lack of forward planning has caused a double booking - even though he's checked with you more than once to see if it's OK still. yes I agree

I presume you've never heard of a calendar or some such. If it had been something you'd wanted to do, it'd have been in your calendar. Your lack of organisational skills isn't really the issue, it's the excuse. again - I agree, I made a mistake and held my hands up to it

You don't hold his friendship in high regard, you're not really making much effort to maintain the friendship so say goodbye and go your separate ways.


The final part I definitely disagree with, just because I've made an organisational mistake does not automatically mean I don't hold the friendship in high regard - I value his input and presence greatly - but like I said in the original post, it doesn't bother me if people bail, or make genuine mistakes, or even just don't turn up - I spent 6 years doing everything typically regarded as social ( eating in restaurants, going to the cinema/theatre/beach/pub/club. Etc) on my own. The fact that I really don't care if people bail on me does not mean I don't value the person. It just means I have the confidence and independence to continue regardless of the presence of anyone else.

Case and point my parents - have bailed on visiting me many times! Doesn't bother me in the slightest - I still love them dearly.
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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chris-red
Have you considered a TDM?



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PostPosted: 12:22 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

ScaredyCat wrote:
Not sure what the issue is.

You've made plans to do something together. He's been looking forward to it, you haven't. Your lack of forward planning has caused a double booking - even though he's checked with you more than once to see if it's OK still.

I presume you've never heard of a calendar or some such. If it had been something you'd wanted to do, it'd have been in your calendar. Your lack of organisational skills isn't really the issue, it's the excuse.

You don't hold his friendship in high regard, you're not really making much effort to maintain the friendship so say goodbye and go your separate ways.


I'm so glad I don't have high maintenance people in my life. Laughing
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Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
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M.C
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PostPosted: 12:37 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Friendships that are like relationships are a PITA and not worth it IMO.
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Ste
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PostPosted: 12:39 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

M.C wrote:
a PITA

https://i.imgur.com/jZiO8wz.png
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The Shaggy D.A.
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PostPosted: 12:44 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

angryjonny wrote:
General rule (family excluded):

If having someone involved in your life makes your life better, keep them in your life.

If having someone involved in your life makes your life worse, jettison them. Friendships have their ups and downs, but if the general trend is negative, you're better off without them.


FTFY.
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 13:02 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

I sent him the "my brain" bit of thoughts I wrote down....

His current response "omg"

I'm waiting for a diatribe to drop...
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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chris-red
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PostPosted: 13:17 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

The999Kid wrote:
I sent him the "my brain" bit of thoughts I wrote down....

His current response "omg"

I'm waiting for a diatribe to drop...


Why did you bother, what are you expecting to get out of it?
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Well, you know what they say. If you want to save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.
Skudd:- Perhaps she just thinks you are a window licker and is being nice just in case she becomes another Jill Dando.
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J4mes
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PostPosted: 13:22 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

chris-red wrote:
The999Kid wrote:
I sent him the "my brain" bit of thoughts I wrote down....

His current response "omg"

I'm waiting for a diatribe to drop...


Why did you bother, what are you expecting to get out of it?


Plot Twist - 999Kid is also a DramaLlama.

FFS bin him off and be friends with people who you dont have to justify your position/decisions to.
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Rogerborg
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PostPosted: 13:29 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

The999Kid wrote:
I [hold] the friendship in high regard

Your actions say otherwise. You booked your romantic getaway with him for the whole weekend, and now you're blue-ballsing him for half of it.

Your excuse is irrelevant to him, your choice is not.

However, I'd suggest that the solution is for one or both of you to get less in touch with their feelings. He's a drama queen, you're an emo, it's feeding a cycle of pointless feels-signalling.

One of you needs to laugh it off and get on with their life.
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 13:29 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

chris-red wrote:
The999Kid wrote:
I sent him the "my brain" bit of thoughts I wrote down....

His current response "omg"

I'm waiting for a diatribe to drop...


Why did you bother, what are you expecting to get out of it?


He doubted the genuine nature of what I tell him over text
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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The999Kid
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PostPosted: 13:30 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rogerborg wrote:
The999Kid wrote:
I [hold] the friendship in high regard

Your actions say otherwise. You booked your romantic getaway with him for the whole weekend, and now you're blue-ballsing him for half of it.

Your excuse is irrelevant to him, your choice is not.

However, I'd suggest that the solution is for one or both of you to get less in touch with their feelings. He's a drama queen, you're an emo, it's feeding a cycle of pointless feels-signalling.

One of you needs to laugh it off and get on with their life.


How am I an emo? I doubt it's even possible for me to be less in touch with my feelings...
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NDB 19/10/1989 - 1/11/2010 |Nowhere.Elyseum wrote: I get the distinct feeling that Tim should be our secret weapon for future trolling. I don't know many people that can rip the piss in Iambic pentameter
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waffles
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PostPosted: 13:44 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

It doesn't sound like a friendship at all, you might be better off walking away from that one..... Friendships should be there to make your life better/more enjoyable and this person sounds like a lot of emotional hard work. Ok, you messed up the dates, no big deal. No need for the emotional manipulation that 'boo hoo you are a crappy friend and I am being unfairly treated' because that isn't how friendships should work.

Does he have other friends?
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Rogerborg
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PostPosted: 13:56 - 30 Jun 2017    Post subject: Reply with quote

The999Kid wrote:
How am I an emo? I doubt it's even possible for me to be less in touch with my feelings...

Your actions say otherwise.

If you don't care, why do you care?













PS: I don't care, I'm just winding you up for my selfish, sadistic pleasure. Mad love. Wink
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