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Screw Loose
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PostPosted: 05:02 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Depression and all that lot Reply with quote

Warning: Very long post. TL/DR I'm slipping back into depression again, advice?

Hi again folks, I did briefly consider making a secondary account to post this, I hardly post as it is anyway (I've been hibernating) but I dont think mental health should be hidden, so I'm practicing what I preach.

Apologies for any misspellings in advance.

This time last year I was sent away on secondment with work, to the London area, long story short ended getting with a lass whilst on secondment, and it was all the picture perfect relationship etc. 2 months in we find out that shes pregnant despite being on the implant. Unfortunately approximately 11 weeks into the pregnancy we lose the baby, after lots of umming and aaahhing at how we would of made everything work logistically, and the decision boiling down to her moving up to the North with me. That was the 11th of July, a date firmly implanted in my head. It was 6 days after my car had set on fire (and I still question if the fumes could of had an involvement in the miscarriage). The date was more firmly implanted because on the 13th of July i returned back to the north on my own (Having booked the hotel to stay for that night) because she was due to come up to the north the following day anyway.

That night I got a phonecall at about 2200 saying she was feeling very low, and that she couldnt go on like this. She went missing for 5 hours. The police found her after she had hung herself. The ligature had thankfully slipped, so whilst she was unconcious, she was still alive. Barely. I knew that she had gone to try and attempt suicide, I knew it in my gut. But I was totally helpless to do anything. She broke up with me the following morning for calling the police and them having found her.

Two days later we ran away to the lakes for a few days, we needed to get away, more to the point, she came up to say goodbye. Push came to shove and we didnt end up splitting up. Infact she didnt go back down south for over a month, despite her original plan being to come up for two days, just so we could end things civilly.

We stayed together and everything was rosy. For then. After she went back home, things were never the same, and we were splitting up and getting back together quite frequently.

I wasnt going to share my employment, but fuck it. I'm a prison officer, and my stresses at home followed me into work. It was only a matter of time until something broke, and it happened at work. A restraint at work went a little bit pear shaped and I found myself suspended, and the relationship had broken down entirely. I sat in my car on my own, a couple miles from the nick, and I thought theres no point anymore. My relationship was gone, indefinitely, my career was gone, and I had nothing to go on for. I made a ligature with my seatbelt and then I go blank as to what happened.

Unfortunately, clearly, it didnt work as planned. My phone rang, and it was the ex. She had gotten wind that I had been suspended and told me to go home, pack my stuff, and drive the 300 miles to her house and get away. And thats exactly what I did. Upon us seeing each other everything went back to the way it was, and life was perfect again. For a week. Until i returned home, where everything went very tits up again, and I didnt hear from her in weeks.

I ultimately made the final decision to end the relationship. That was in October. And every day I still regret it and wish I could of made it work.

I've tried a couple relationships since, but nothing matches up. Every now and again she texts or calls to see how I am, usually totally out of the blue. Yesterday she rang to tell me she was getting her hair cut and dyed, and to see how I was doing. Its clear shes moving on, and I'm still not.


I went through a period of nearly 2 months where I couldnt leave the house, I was severely depressed, fighting the urge to end it all daily. But I survived that. My first day back to work, on my journey home, I came across an accident. I was the first on scene, and it was horriffic. Having to walk away from a 17 year old lass with a broken neck, and a 22 year old bloke with two open leg fractures, to try and find the biker involved in it all was hard. But not quite as hard as finding the biker dead, being 100% unable to do anything. I still live with the guilt today, even though there was absolutely nothing a team of world class surgeons could of done. Let alone me.

This is no doubt all over the place, however now work are digging me out again, seeking to bring up old investigations. I never done anything I shouldnt of, I never had any cases to answer. But work have made it perfectly clear that they dont want me there, through refusing my transfer requests despite accepting others from newer staff, financially withholding money from me, amongst dozens of other examples that I dont have the energy to write.

Basically, I'm struggling. A lot. I can feel myself slipping back into that pit again, and I'm terrified of ending up in the same depressed state, unable to escape the evil pit of darkness that absolutely consumes you, and causes you to block out everything and everyone.

I dont quite know why I'm writing this, I'm not seeking sympathy, but a bit of support. I know there is probably a light at the end of the tunnel, but just now I cant see it. For what its worth ive done the counselling and doctors route. The meds help, ish, the counselling not so much.
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andyscooter
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PostPosted: 09:02 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

sometimes just writing down your feelings helps a lot

having been through severe depression myself and at the moment feeling low myself after losing one of my best friends to suicide i found just posting on here helped a bit i could say things i couldn't tell others

but if you are feeling that low speak to somebody

before it does get too much
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P.
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PostPosted: 09:19 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Only thing I can recommend is walking away. I spent some time, serious time, debating the best thing for me.

After 6 months of regret and wanting her back, I could see she had moved on and I had no choice. I've not looked back.

I've had a pretty shitty time myself, words don't seem to make any real sense either when writing them... So if you would rather chat than type, pm me your number and you'll have someone to talk to. I know how you feel, I've been both sides of that fence.
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 10:22 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Talking is good for many, however don't underestimate how much a short course of a prescribed anti-depressant can help. Go to your doctor.

When life events and emotions are swirling around it can seem impossible to work out how you will emerge from your current situation and feel like your old self again.

Ant-depressants can help by slowing down the "swirling" and enabling you to think more clearly. They're not for everyone but they can help you find the way forward.

Best wishes. These times will pass and I hope life will hold many delights for you again soon.

X
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pepperami
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PostPosted: 10:51 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Having worked in mental health in the past, I can very much vouch for the school of thought that says talk to someone about it.
Like others have said, just getting it off your chest can be therapeutic.

If you don’t talk to people about it, then people don’t know you need support.
On a positive note, you are recognising the issue and have come here and shared, look at that as a small step in the right direction.
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stevo as b4
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PostPosted: 12:05 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've had work related depression once so I can relate to that, and I was a very reluctant person to accept medication too.

Since that issue was resolved mostly and I got off the meds, I've had anxiety that also required medication. Im no longer totally against medication when you can't function properly enough to go to work or leave the house without it.

I do wonder with people that get manic depression or personal life depression, if it's an inherent condition and your thus predisposed to it, as it seems a recurring cycle for some people that rules their lifetime?
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stinkwheel
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PostPosted: 12:10 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have you been to see your doctor?

Go to see your doctor.

If you had a broken leg you would. So go see them about your broken head.

Work situation sounds crap. Sounds like they are shaping up to fuck you over but you can always do a little fucking over first. You know they can't sack you if you're signed off due to stress right? They are even limited in how much they can contact you if you're off sick. Bum them to the max for sick pay and use the time positively to get yourself sorted out and look for another job.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 12:26 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Re: Depression and all that lot Reply with quote

I started a response and now I've written a whole fuckin novella.
Can I get back to you on that.

I need to go back and edit the Wall-O-Text that I just created, else I'll end up with a custom title like "Female Version of Teffers"

Rolling Eyes
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 12:36 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also .... wot Stinkers said.

Edit: In fact I have done that, I can put my hands up and say "I blagged sick-time off from stress at work on the NHS of all things". In fact it was whilst working in a mental-health environment. The poor underpaid overworked NHS, I signed myself off sick because of work-related stress as well as some major personal life shite, and I even felt guilty about that. But I fuckin needed it.

Nothing nearly as stressful or bothersome as the problems you've got but I fuckin' needed to take a break. Sharpish.

Get yourself to the quack and get yourself signed off with work-related stress.
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kawashima
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PostPosted: 13:48 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Situation you've written includes lots of heavy stresses that can make ”normal” people depressed.
-death (and death related accident) of your family
-being transferred/secondment with work
-trouble at your work (various)
-splitting with your wife
-surprising terrifying accident(car caught fire) and it might be done by her(but can't prove it)


If these happened and he/she was ok with everything, he/she is rather not normal.

Before I open this thread I was thinking of anxiety depression(like me).
Any "normal" people can be not normal(depressed) in such situation.

Talking to somebody or writing down is useful for more "lighter" stresses.
I agree to go to see doctor (pro).
You've thought of killing yourself once. That's one enough reason you should visit doctor.
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Rogerborg
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PostPosted: 14:21 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sick note while finding a job elsewhere.

Block the ex.

Take up an outdoor hobby.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 14:26 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
-surprising terrifying accident(car caught fire) and it might be done by her(but can't prove it)


I must have missed that bit. Thinking
Nooooo !!?? ... I thought he meant that he suspected the fumes from the car fire as having caused the miscarriage Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked

I'd not take anyone back who set my car on fire while we were still in it, that would be like ... someone running me over and hitting me with the open car door.
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kawashima
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PostPosted: 14:38 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellkat wrote:
Quote:
-surprising terrifying accident(car caught fire) and it might be done by her(but can't prove it)


I must have missed that bit. Thinking
Nooooo !!?? ... I thought he meant that he suspected the fumes from the car fire as having caused the miscarriage Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked

I'd not take anyone back who set my car on fire while we were still in it, that would be like ... someone running me over and hitting me with the open car door.

I misread OP's sentence. You are right. Thanks for pointing this out.
Screw Loose, sorry for my misreading.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 14:42 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank goodness!
I thought I was watching Eastenders for a minute there
To be fair, his syntax wasn't great! Laughing
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M.C
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PostPosted: 17:49 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

So did she suffer from depression as well? Instead of being beneficial depressed people seem to drag each other down, so you might both be better off apart.

I don't really know what to add except sometimes you have to make a change. It's a tough one depending on how you're financially, but maybe resign and find another job? Work can be a good distraction, as apposed to sitting around dwelling on stuff, but a bad job can (obviously) have an extremely negative influence on your life.
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Pigeon
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PostPosted: 19:50 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would strongly recommend trying L-Tryptophan BEFORE going on an SSRI

SSRI's work, but can take 4-8 weeks to build up to a treatment level. They can also come with a bag of side effects which then end up adding to your shit because it impacts all aspects of your life.

Don't be too put off by what I said. If you're about to hit the buffers and recognise, then you're right to do something. And for millions that is SSRI's or other AD's.
Make an appointment with a doctor to either talk about SSRI's, but also talking therapys (its important that you take advantage of increased Serotonin due to medication or diet to then talk openly with professionals).

Tryptophan will raise your serotonin levels in a matter of a couple of hours. I would start by emptying a 500mg capsule in half, going 250mg.
You'll find it buys you about 6 hours of peace / calm / balance.

Serotonin compresses feelings. It's one of the brakes. It raises your low, but also lowers your high (not really an issue here).

Too much Serotonin can lead to confusion and a zombie numb state (which itself can then lead to depression as everything in life can seem pointless and joyless).

Tryptophan is an amino acid and taken in the morning will produce Serotonin, in the evening Melatonin (promotes good sleep).
Splittinmg your dose evenly over morning, noon, night of 250mg a time is a good start. Up it to 500mg per dose if nothing is noticed.
But you don't want to create "push" as it can have a stimulating effect. So start small.

Having spent 5 months on SSRI's and then tried Tryptophan. I'd go Tryptophan all day every day. Works in 1-2 hours, does not fuck up the rest of your body (80% of Serotonin receptors are in your gut) and does not have the tapering issue.

Don't take Tryptophan when on an SSRI as it can lead to Serotonin syndrome which can result in death.


Example product

Try and reduce processed sugar intake and caffeine. Things which fire up the mind and get you over thinking.

Thinking becomes a big problem and your worst enemy. You need to try and remain in the now, ie focused on a task (such as reading, or cleaning something). Because if you focus on the past, or the future, the more you do it the more the brain races and things get out of hand as you try to escape.

Keep talking. Even when its the last thing you want to do.

Cut yourself some slack too, acceptance is big part of moving on. Along with not being judgemental of yourself, the situation or others.

There is hope, things WILL get better!!


EDIT:

Clearly I'm not a medical professional, so please read as such.
Everyone is different, so it can take time to find what works.


EDIT2:

"The meds help, ish, the counselling not so much."

How did I miss that. Muppet.

In which case, DONT TAKE TRYPTOPHAN if you are on meds already.


Last edited by Pigeon on 23:26 - 11 Mar 2018; edited 2 times in total
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Ste
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PostPosted: 20:06 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pigeon wrote:
SSRI's work, but can take 4-8 weeks to build up to a treatment level. They can also come with a bag of side effects which then end up adding to your shit because it impacts all aspects of your life.

Different ones work for different people. It can take a couple of months for the full benefits and for any side effects to subside.

Which means it's a case of trial and error. Thumbs Up

Plus each one is used for many different things, one persons side effect is another persons desired effect.
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Pigeon
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PostPosted: 20:24 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ste wrote:

Different ones work for different people. It can take a couple of months for the full benefits and for any side effects to subside.

Which means it's a case of trial and error. Thumbs Up

Plus each one is used for many different things, one persons side effect is another persons desired effect.



All fair points. Everyone is different and that makes it difficult.

In my case the side effects included:
Headache, blurred vision, dry eyes, twitchy limbs, tight chest, clenched jaw, sensitive to light, cracking joints due to muscle tension, yawning a lot, indigestion a lot, pins and needles. Reduced brain power (feeling stupid / slow), zero short term memory, struggle to hold onto conversations that last more than 10 seconds.

It was like that for the first 4 weeks which made work a waste of time and thankfully I had employers who made allowances for my terrible output. Then after that the side effects subsided until I was left with anhedonia, a brain that did nothing and no short term memory. Those continued on for 3 months at which point I said enough and spent a month tapering off.

5 month process, which could have been shortened to 3 months probably. But I wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something.
The trial and error part is what got me. It's fair to say the first flavour put me off trying anything else.
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Pigeon
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PostPosted: 20:26 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, Keep a diary too. It helps to "offload" at the end of each day.

And later on, it can be useful to see what worked, what didn't.
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Freddyfruitba...
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PostPosted: 20:40 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ste wrote:
Plus each one is used for many different things, one persons side effect is another persons desired effect.

Good example actually - one of the known side effects of SSRIs in some people is delayed orgasm (which can be a problem if you're getting on a bit in years) - but that means that SSRIs are sometimes prescribed specifically to treat premature ejaculation

Oh, and OP - definitely go see the doc, PLEASE.
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 21:32 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pigeon wrote:
Ste wrote:

Different ones work for different people. It can take a couple of months for the full benefits and for any side effects to subside.


The trial and error part is what got me.


Me too, which is why I keep being non-compliant with the prescriptions my GP writes. I Just can't afford the risk of relinquishing control of my life for that long, or to what effect, I can't bring myself to risk losing a job or wrecking a relationship.

I was recommended to get some L-tryptopan (which I call 5-HTP, that's what it says on the Holland and Barrett label) as a rescue remedy from the possible comedown after taking my first E, and the bottle was so ridiculously expensive that I decided to test its merit as a serotonin-enhancer. I think it works, sort-of. Not a massively big change, not the sort of instant euphoric change in mood that you get from smoking a joint, but certainly an improvement in the ability to perform grown-up tasks like paying bills, having a shower, wearing clean clothes and washing the dishes, and there are some days/weeks during which all of the above are beyond my capabilities.
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Pigeon
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PostPosted: 23:14 - 11 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

hellkat wrote:

I was recommended to get some L-tryptopan (which I call 5-HTP, that's what it says on the Holland and Barrett label)



Tryptophan is a precursor to 5HTP (amongst other things).

I've tried both and found Tryptophan had more impact, even though in theory the body has to involve another stage to convert it into 5HTP, so in theory taking 5HTP direct would be faster/better.

There was also some stories about heart valve damage taking 5htp direct, when you have a blood level that is high in 5HTP. But I vaguely remember these were partly debunked, or at least questioned.

https://liftmode.com/blog/l-tryptophan-vs-5-htp/

https://naturalsolutionsforahealthyyou.com/5-htp-vs-tryptophan-which-is-better-to-raise-serotonin-levels/

https://lidtke.com/the-lidtke-letter-l-tryptophan-and-5-htp-a-comparison/

It's possible I've never taken enough 5HTP. Having stuck to the 50mg on the few times I've tried it. Or that the benefit of NAD/NADP was felt also when taking Tryptophan.
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Screw Loose
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PostPosted: 02:36 - 12 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone your support means an awful lot.

I've been to and from the doctors more times than I could possibly count over the last 5 months or so. They eventually settled on a 150mg dose of Sertraline which did work wonders however I'm starting to notice my general mood dropping again, perhaps I'm getting used to the drug and thats a contributing factor?

I did also start a mood diary (the ex actually came up with that idea after I'd been suspended) which helped(ish) for a short time, it got me through the stages where I didnt leave bed and didnt get dressed. Thankfully I'm not back at that stage yet but I can definitely feel it starting to head that way, hence the reasoning behind wanting to stop myself before it gets that far.

Doctors are quite good at upping my doses, telling me not to drink too much, and telling me not to top myself, but aside from that they dont really do a great deal. They dont even send you for counselling anymore, they just give me the phone numbers for charities such as MIND and tell me there is an exceptionally long waiting list... Which doesnt help anything in the short term.

Really appreciate your offer there too Paddy, admittedly I'm not too great over the phone with expressing my emotions, for some reason I find it a lot easier to write than I do to talk. I used to write letters at one point, to different people, sometimes to nobody, obviously never sending them but it got it off of my chest nonetheless. If you could PM me your email address or find me on facebook that would be appreciated for someone to message when I'm feeling shit if you dont mind doing that.

The ex suffered with depression (I reckon bipolar too) which clearly wasnt healthy for the both of us. She definitely brought out the best in me, but I also firmly believe she brought the depression out of me unintentionally. She was the first person I had ever came across who I felt I could open up to, and tell everything, from the tiny details to the huge events which I had trapped inside myself and ignored. Theres a big history of depression in my family, and with attempted suicides, and I didnt want to 'bother' people with my problems aswell.

In hindsight that probably resulted in a lot of the issues.

The job I do is, supposedly, one of the most stressful jobs you can do. I find that the prisoners themselves hardly ever stress me out, sure they frustrate me at times, but its the politics and management at work which causes the huge stresses for me. Management are constantly looking for ways to 'out' me in one way or another.

Im grateful for the fact that, for now, I'm still able to sleep. When I hit my lowest I stop eating, socialising, and sleeping. And its when I'm alone at 0300 in the morning that the thoughts become the most dangerous. And I know the thoughts are unreasonable and shouldnt be there, but its a weird feeling as I'm sure many know, but nothing can stop it.

I can deal with the stressful work life, and I can deal with the stressful home life, individually. When they both come at once thats when I cant manage, because there is no escape from the stresses and reminders. I cant even draw keys for the nick on a morning without thinking of the ex (She hung herself with one of the prison service keychains). Everywhere I look I'm reminded of the ex. Even the car I bought with her!

That, and now is about the time the little one would of been here, I'm sure it worked out february/march time. Not that its much use thinking of that, but it does make me sick to my stomach. Despite the fact that it was only a tiny featus at 11 weeks old (ish) it still affects me, just wondering what might of been.

Thanks again everyone, just to avoid any concern whilst the thoughts do crop up every now and again, ive no intent of self harm or suicide at this stage, I just know its coming, and want to stop it before it gets that far.

BCF really are a cracking bunch
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Ste
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PostPosted: 03:41 - 12 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

The thing to do now is to go and see your GP again as the more you're telling them about how you're getting on with the tablets, the easier it will be for them to offer constructive help.

They do increase the dose gradually so they can see if you get smacked over the head by side effects or not. Laughing
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Freddyfruitba...
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PostPosted: 12:49 - 12 Mar 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ste wrote:
They do increase the dose gradually so they can see if you get smacked over the head by side effects or not.

Yes; and they can increase the sertraline dose above what you're presently on, and if that doesn't do the trick there are other SSRIs which may be better for you. The fact that you've evidently already had benefit from an SSRI (some people don't) is more than enough reason to go back to the GP about it.
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