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Am I the bad guy here??? - update suicide attempt

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Asharin
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PostPosted: 10:18 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Am I the bad guy here??? - update suicide attempt Reply with quote

Bit of a long one here so apologies, I'll add a TL;DR at the end Very Happy


I met my now ex, just over 3 years ago and she was well aware that at 40 years old, and already having 3 kids that I did not want anymore. I had one of my sons living with me, the other two were grown up and have their own places. I supported the ex through quite a stressful court case against her ex (he beat her up and then refused to sell the properties they'd owned so she took him to court to just get them sold so there was nothing joining them financially) as part of this he would come around to where we lived at random hours, banging on the door demanding to be let in to 'his' property...despite the fact he lived in the other (they'd owned two, he lived in one, she in the other (originally they both lived in one and rented the other out)
This caused her stress, so she wanted to move, so we moved to South Wales and all was good.....the court case ended, properties were sold and her ex was finally out of her life.
Then she decided that she did want kids after all, so I compromised and said well, I'll agree to one, and so we had a baby together (who is possibly the cutest in the world...but I'm biased Razz)

She said she wanted to do fostering and, while I had my doubts, I agreed to on the condition that if it affects my autistic son in any way or our daughter then we stop. However, during the training sessions, the risk of allegations came up, and if there were any, then while the investigation was ongoing, they could remove our own kids from us.
Or possibly the accused parent have to move out, until the investigation was complete.

As my son had been removed from his mothers care (due to neglect) by social services and placed in foster care previously, before a court case had him live with me, I was reluctant to put him at any risk of going through that again, so I said no, sorry I can't do it and explained exactly why.
Ex then basically ignored me for a week, only speaking if the baby needed something, or to criticise or have a go about something. Then last week she started being more pleasant again, before asking 'Why don't we adopt two little girls, then our daughter can have sisters'
I said no, I'm sorry, you know I don't want more kids, I already compromised with our daughter. Instantly back to silent treatment, and then packs her stuff and leaves.
Apparently it's MY fault the relationship is over, I don't see it that way..I see it as I was not wanting to put my kids at risk, and she got all pissed off because i didn't give in to her demands so she left.
I did ask her if she was coming back, she said no, I'm going to foster or adopt on my own so our daughter gets siblings..(my son doesn't count???)

So basically, because she didn't get what she wanted, she's breaking up the family our daughter DID have, to try and make a separate one with just her.
The best bit was when she messaged my mum (who lives in spain) and asked if my mum would buy her a house so she can stay in the area, otherwise she might have to move a long way away and that I wouldn't be able to see our daughter as much/. Needless to say, mum told her where to go..
Ex is STILL trying to get me to help her find a place round here, and tbh if it wasn't for daughter I'd tell her to fuck off Razz

But I'm the bad guy...


TL;DR Ex didn't get her way, so left and broke up family when no one gave in to her emotional blackmail
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Last edited by Asharin on 02:20 - 02 Aug 2018; edited 1 time in total
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Itchy
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PostPosted: 10:20 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Re: Am I the bad guy here??? Reply with quote

Asharin wrote:


But I'm the bad guy...


TL;DR Ex didn't get her way, so left and broke up family when no one gave in to her emotional blackmail



No you're not. Your interests and your family come first.
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chris-red
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PostPosted: 10:49 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Re: Am I the bad guy here??? Reply with quote

A bloke I know was in a similar situation, he got the snip on the sly Laughing
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waffles
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PostPosted: 11:13 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that you are right in prioritising your son, your ex needs to grow up a lot and realise that the world doesn't revolve around her wants or needs. Relationships do need compromise on some points to work and (from your post) it seems that the only one willing to do so was you.
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Asharin
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PostPosted: 11:41 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys. I'm just glad my son (who is autistic) is down visiting his mum while this is going on. It'd send him into a full blown meltdown. Hopefully when he comes back on Saturday and I explain it all too him he won't be too upset, but I know in my heart he will be Sad
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sickpup
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PostPosted: 16:03 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did the Ex ever have therapy?

It sounds like she is trying to exert control due to not having control in her abusive previous relationship but has yet to work out the balance.

Or she could be a nutter.
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kerr
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PostPosted: 16:15 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

From what you have wrote you are not in the wrong, its just a shame you had a kid together before you found out she's a grown up brat.
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Asharin
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PostPosted: 16:48 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh it gets better now.
She messaged me today asking if I could cope with daughter and my son, I said of course I can but why are you asking?
She then went on and on about how she can't support her and give her the things she needs and that she'll be bringing her over tonight and then she will go and doesn't want to see our daughter because 'Don't think I could be in her life if she wasn't with me all the time'
WTF? I mean, great I'd love to have my baby girl with me, but at what cost? makes me think the ex is going to do something stupid...

or it's just more emotional blackmail. I can't tell.
Clearly she's nuts, I seem to attract nutters. I'm staying single from now on.
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P.
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PostPosted: 17:54 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you want her to disappear. Because it sounds like she needs to. Negativity and emotional blackmail on that level require the person to be evicted from the big brother house...

Definitely would remove from life. Neutral
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Jewlio Rides Again LLB
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PostPosted: 17:55 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Re: Am I the bad guy here??? Reply with quote

chris-red wrote:
A bloke I know was in a similar situation, he got the snip on the sly Laughing


I don't think that excuse washes for fostering. Laughing
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Asharin
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PostPosted: 17:56 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy. wrote:
Do you want her to disappear. Because it sounds like she needs to. Negativity and emotional blackmail on that level require the person to be evicted from the big brother house...

Definitely would remove from life. Neutral


I don't want her back if that's what you mean, but I don't want her to go top herself either. Imagine having to explain that to our daughter when she's older? Hell even my son has grown quite attached to her.
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Old Git Racing
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PostPosted: 18:09 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got to look after you primarily cos the kids need someone stable.
You cant control what she does or says, but you can give the kids all the support they need, unconditionally.
My ex was a dingbat too, but in different ways. Kids ended up living with me even though they were 'her world'. Turns out to be something as simple as she was shagging someone else and they couldn't be bothered with kids.
Fuck her, sort yours and the kids lives out, good riddance, you're not in the wrong.

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Kawasaki Jimbo
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PostPosted: 18:22 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Paddy. wrote:
Do you want her to disappear. Definitely would remove from life. Neutral

Bloody hell, Paddy!

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stevo as b4
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PostPosted: 18:59 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crazy crazy situation that's for sure. If you can sort of step out of your shoes OP and read your posts as others would you'd understand how crazy it seems to even have started down the road you have with Ex.

I personally can't get past the bit about a 40 something year old that's previously had 3kids and seems to have a decent relationship with them after a breakup or divorce, would even think about trying to placate a new partner probably of a similar age with the offer of becoming a parent again despite it not being something you ever wanted to go through again.

I agree with Paddy etc though, you've got to look after your daughter as well as you can and put her first through her growing up years. I'd politely decline any help or involvement from the crazy woman for now at least, and concentrate on your kid. In time there's every chance especially when your daughter is older that she'll pull the custody card and maybe even take her from your care. Enjoy the time you've got 1:1 now and treasure them early years while she'll think of daddy as her hero.
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mikester
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PostPosted: 19:13 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

too early to start custody proceedings?
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kerr
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PostPosted: 19:41 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

stevo as b4 wrote:
In time there's every chance especially when your daughter is older that she'll pull the custody card and maybe even take her from your care. Enjoy the time you've got 1:1 now and treasure them early years while she'll think of daddy as her hero.

This x100
Speak to a lawyer now!, were you married?
My cousin was with a similar bint, fucked off for years, remarried, couldn't give a shit about the kid to then turn up years later, turn on the water works and hey presto she has all the rights.
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Asharin
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PostPosted: 21:48 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well..she came back, said she might not need to leave our daughter with me. Gave the baby her night time bottle (7pm) then went out again saying she'd be back later. Still not back, but I messaged her and asked why was she keeping daughter out so late? as it's not good for a baby.
She said she was at the hospital getting help...no idea which one though, there's 3 in the area...5 if you count the non A+E ones.
I'm really struggling to deal with this shit.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 21:57 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Family law is fraught with s
Difficulties.

When dealing with a fruit-loop its more so.

I don't think you are wrong, reading what you stated, but “maybe“ the ex is upset coz she may have “believed“ in her head that you would accommodate her wishes.

I'll play the devil's solicitor and say maybe talking to her in another way to let her understand your reason. It's not easy but saying something “a different way“ sometime let folk see things differently.

Even talking to a lawyer will only establish the Status Quo for now.
I don't think there is anyway you can stop her challenging anything later. Courts can overturn previous judgment if there is alternative information later. (Things said a different way.)

Unless the ball is over the slates between you and the ex then if you see any good in being with her try talking to her first.
It may even be cheaper.
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BTTD
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PostPosted: 22:31 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dunno, it may not be helpful, but then again it might be useful to start noting all the dates and times and what's happening.
If nothing else it might help with your sanity when things start getting really complicated and her version of history dramatically deviates from reality. It'll flat out stop you questioning your own memory.
It may also help you spot patterns or "coincidental" events later down the line.....

My take on it is that she's either proper mental, or a little unhinged and playing games with you, and your kids, and anyone else she can get her hooks into. I'm leaning towards the latter based on experiences from a younger and distant life.

I'll also second Paddy's advice. You really should take any opportunity to get permanently shot of her as all the negativity and stress will ruin your life.
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Shaft
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PostPosted: 23:21 - 01 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

jnw010 wrote:
I dunno, it may not be helpful, but then again it might be useful to start noting all the dates and times and what's happening.
If nothing else it might help with your sanity when things start getting really complicated and her version of history dramatically deviates from reality. It'll flat out stop you questioning your own memory.
It may also help you spot patterns or "coincidental" events later down the line.....




That's what I would do, because it sounds to me that at some point, this is all going to turn to shit for you, especially if whatever the latest incarnation of the CSA ever get involved.

If there's any logistical way (and that's what you want) you can keep hold of your baby, then do that, fuck off the mother and keep detailed records of anything that happens next.

Frankly, she sounds like a serious liability, but not so radio rental that she can't find it within her powers to bring down all sorts of bureaucratic and seriously damaging shit on you.

Good luck fella
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Asharin
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PostPosted: 02:09 - 02 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well..she came back to my house. Visibly upset saying no one would help her. Asked me to put the baby to bed, which I did. Came back downstairs to find her chugging approx 40 paracetamol. (well, some of the packets could have been part empty but who knows?)
Called an ambulance, they came and persuaded her to go though she refused initially...think it was the threat of them calling the police that did it.
Baby girl is still asleep blissfully unaware, but there is no way in hell she's going back to her mother now, and the ex isn't coming back here either.
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Ste
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PostPosted: 03:02 - 02 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arse cakes.

A&E or whichever ward she gets put on will have her assessed by a psychiatrist who'll decide that she doesn't need to go a psychiatric hospital, she'll be sent on her way and her details passed to their care in the community department.

Their decision to not admit her will of course have absolutely nothing to do with the fact they have no available beds. Rolling Eyes

I'd expect a quantity of tablets like that to have reappeared fairly quickly but who knows how many she took.

Police powers to take someone to hospital against their wishes are somewhat limited if they find the person in a private property.
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P.
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PostPosted: 08:52 - 02 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

She needs serious assistance, coming from someone who needed it previously too.

Not only would I apply for sole custody, I'd also suggest that she is looked at, and looked after.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 09:01 - 02 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Suicidal/Narcissistic other half?

Get as far away as possible.

No mileage in a relationship.

The fukers know how to reel folk in initially but their personality disorder comes to the surface sooner or later.

A&E primarily good for cuts and breaks, heart attack, stroke, child birth.
Psychiatric support maybe not always so good. Medicine is not so advanced yet.
Sectioning someone is awkward coz they “as their rights“ init.

https://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/easy-read-mental-health-act.aspx

The difficulty lies in how the patient presents at the time of examination/initial assessment. And how determined or experienced the physician is.

It's a mind field.

It can take a long time for people to get help.
And more if the person thinks they do not need help.

Nutters will be nutters.
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BTTD
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PostPosted: 09:02 - 02 Aug 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Being a complete outsider and in no way emotionally involved, my scepticism levels are off the scale.
Ignore everything that she has said has happened or she is doing, and look at what she has actually done in a cold and dispassionate light.
I'm seeing an extreme attempt at emotional blackmail.

I may be dead inside, but I'm often right.
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