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garth
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PostPosted: 16:50 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Friendship advice Reply with quote

After some opinions...

As some of you may know, I spent the last four-ish months rising 13,000 miles across Canada and America with my mate of 15 years.

I left my girlfriend behind as the plans were in motion before i left. At the time I left, we had been together 7 months. Part of the plan was for her to come out and meet us for a month later down the line.

So after the issues that we had away (a mechanical on my mates bike due to neglecting to check the oil) we opted not to go into Mexico, and instead ship the bikes home. My friend went straight to Vietnam, I went back home for a few days to see the gf, and went to meet him a few days later.

It quickly occured to me once in Vietnam that my heart wasn't in travelling anymore. I'd done my bit, I'd had enough. I explained this to him (wasn't received well) but said that because of the pre-planned month visit from my other half, that I may be back in a month, and could meet him. I flew home, he stayed out for a further week before coming back, justification being "being here by yourself is shit".

Six weeks have passed since then. The bikes have arrived home. I sent him the paperwork I received to fill in and pay, which he took over a week to fill in and return to the agent. I've since collected my bike, and sent him the details to do so.

I've WhatsApp messaged him a general 'you ok mate' - no reply. I've sent one further message asking if he's about to do some green laning on the Christmas break - no reply.

As I said I would, I've returned to Vietnam with the Mrs. Ofcourse, he's long gone but was for weeks before I came back.

Checked my Instagram today and I've been unfollowed.

There are other points to mention that may be of relevance, such as I was generally taking the lead on most of the trip. Pretty much all expenses went on my credit card (mate didn't have one organised in time) Hotels, shipping, route planning was largely initiated by myself. He does not have a partner himself.

Am I being completely unreasonable to expect a response?!

Can anyone see any glaring errors?

I've tried to be reasonable, upfront, adult and honest, I'm of the school of thought that if you've a problem, you talk about it, not ignore the person and unfollow... (I only got Instagram to show people at home pics anyway before I left!)

It all just seems a bit childish @31.
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Tracey Suntan-King
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PostPosted: 16:57 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

What is it you want to resolve? The friendship or the money he owes?

Do you have any mutual friends?
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kgm
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PostPosted: 17:23 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Such trips can be testing of a friendship. I did a long cycle tour with a close friend and we knew there were going to be times where we did t get on so we discussed in advance how to deal with that. Inevitably we did have fallouts but we just separated a bit when then happened to meet up again later in the day.

I'd ask him if he has an issue, requesting that if he does to come out and tell you so it can be resolved. To do otherwise is childish. Of course he may have developed another issue not related to your friendship that's making it hard for him to speak to anyone.
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Polarbear
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PostPosted: 17:40 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been there myself, on both sides of it in that I was touring Europe (many years ago) with a friend and he basically decided he's had enough and was going home. He left that day. Edited to add I have/had no idea why he did it.

I felt really let down as he was the experienced one at touring and I felt really lost when he went. I can still remember how it felt.

I suppose I blamed him for screwing up my holiday and I expect your (ex) friend is doing the same.

Having said that, we are all adults and have every right to make decisions that suit ourselves. I expect your lady wasn't very happy at being ignored either.

Did we make up, no. I would say we were probably both very childish and waited for the other to make the first move. We were both very young mind, early 20's.

Go chat to him, don't let a friendship go sour over something relatively minor.

Unless it's about the money of course as that adds a different aspect to everything.
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Last edited by Polarbear on 17:44 - 15 Nov 2018; edited 1 time in total
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Lord Percy
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PostPosted: 17:43 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 31 year old man doing that is pretty pathetic.

Unfollowed on Instagram Laughing

Doesn't sound like you were unreasonable at all.

If he was upset about you calling it a day after Vietnam, then he clearly wanted to carry on the adventure, with you. So it can't be due to any long-standing interpersonal issue.

Only logical suggestion would be that he blames you for causing his big adventure to end early, and that he feels inadequate because he has basically admitted to you, and to himself, that he isn't capable of such travel on his own.

An alternative suggestion would be that his idea of the trip was a real 'to the bitter end' thing, where you guys do everything side by side, two pals on a shared adventure... that kind of thing. Then you decided to leave, which he may have interpreted as a no-homo version of "I'm just not that into you any more." Kind of a heartbreak between mates, if you know what I mean.

Depends a lot on the way you guys get on generally, too. I have mates who I'd write off as petty cunts if they did that, and others who I'd be genuinely concerend over if they did the same.
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Riejufixing
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PostPosted: 18:18 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Re: Friendship advice Reply with quote

garth wrote:
After some opinions...


Yoiu haven't 'phoned him or been to see him, then.
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Snod Blatter
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PostPosted: 23:01 - 15 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

This actually kind of happened to me a year and a bit ago when my "mate" decided to go home (to his missus!) while we were in the Pyrenees, about 2/3 of the way through a 2 week trip. I now consider him unreliable, soft and the friendship is nothing like it was. If all you have in common is bikes and travelling, and you chose staying at home with the missus over the adventure, then it's all over.

We were both 30 at the time and I think we are still growing up, of course people mature in different directions and there's no need to try and stay friends with a person you no longer recognise. That person probably doesn't know who you are either.

Of course, if he's hiding because he owes you money then perhaps he needs his tyre valves inspecting at the very least Thumbs Up
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garth
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PostPosted: 04:22 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tracey Suntan-King wrote:
What is it you want to resolve? The friendship or the money he owes?

Do you have any mutual friends?


Oh, I phrased it badly. Cc was paid off before I returned home!

Yes, a few mutual friends.
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garth
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PostPosted: 04:23 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

kgm wrote:
Such trips can be testing of a friendship. I did a long cycle tour with a close friend and we knew there were going to be times where we did t get on so we discussed in advance how to deal with that. Inevitably we did have fallouts but we just separated a bit when then happened to meet up again later in the day.

I'd ask him if he has an issue, requesting that if he does to come out and tell you so it can be resolved. To do otherwise is childish. Of course he may have developed another issue not related to your friendship that's making it hard for him to speak to anyone.


My plan is to call him up / invite for a man-beer as soon as I'm home, in a couple of weeks. I won't keep on sending messages, as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a teenage girl. Laughing
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garth
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PostPosted: 04:29 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lord Percy wrote:
A 31 year old man doing that is pretty pathetic.

Unfollowed on Instagram Laughing

Doesn't sound like you were unreasonable at all.

If he was upset about you calling it a day after Vietnam, then he clearly wanted to carry on the adventure, with you. So it can't be due to any long-standing interpersonal issue.

Only logical suggestion would be that he blames you for causing his big adventure to end early, and that he feels inadequate because he has basically admitted to you, and to himself, that he isn't capable of such travel on his own.

An alternative suggestion would be that his idea of the trip was a real 'to the bitter end' thing, where you guys do everything side by side, two pals on a shared adventure... that kind of thing. Then you decided to leave, which he may have interpreted as a no-homo version of "I'm just not that into you any more." Kind of a heartbreak between mates, if you know what I mean.

Depends a lot on the way you guys get on generally, too. I have mates who I'd write off as petty cunts if they did that, and others who I'd be genuinely concerend over if they did the same.


We get on ok, generally. We are very different people - he's extremely laid back where I am more motivated. I can see how either traits would annoy either party, but I'm always overtly honest as to avoid any bad air. I'm erring more towards the petty side at the moment tbh, but time will tell.

The heartbreak between mates is probably a very valid point. I'd like to think if the shoe was on the other foot that I'd think 'We've been away the best part of four months, seen a load of cool shit, none of which would've happened without you, it's been fun but I understand that you've got other stuff going on in your life that you don't want to lose' kind of thing.
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garth
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PostPosted: 04:31 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Re: Friendship advice Reply with quote

Riejufixing wrote:
garth wrote:
After some opinions...


Yoiu haven't 'phoned him or been to see him, then.


Sporadic contact until about three weeks ago. I've been in Vietnam for the last two weeks, and live 35 miles away when at home, so no, haven't just popped in.
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garth
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PostPosted: 04:44 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Snod Blatter wrote:
This actually kind of happened to me a year and a bit ago when my "mate" decided to go home (to his missus!) while we were in the Pyrenees, about 2/3 of the way through a 2 week trip. I now consider him unreliable, soft and the friendship is nothing like it was. If all you have in common is bikes and travelling, and you chose staying at home with the missus over the adventure, then it's all over.

We were both 30 at the time and I think we are still growing up, of course people mature in different directions and there's no need to try and stay friends with a person you no longer recognise. That person probably doesn't know who you are either.

Of course, if he's hiding because he owes you money then perhaps he needs his tyre valves inspecting at the very least Thumbs Up


I see your point, but it's hard to draw parallels between a two week euro jolly and a four month trip, especially when I took a flight from home to go back out to meet him after the Canada, America bit.

Add into the equation that the trip genuinely wouldn't even have happened if it weren't for me. I did all the research, found both bikes, found racks, tanks, luggage. Booked flights, sorted navigation systems, bought all the spares, fixed any punctures, booked all the hotels, routes, shipping to and from, paperwork. FFS even when he decided to leave Asia he had to WhatsApp me to book him a flight because he couldn't do it...!

As I mentioned about the different personalities - I checked my oil every single day, and he watched me do it. He didn't check for a month and it seized up. I gave him a scottoiler, which he didn't fill up ever, and his chain snapped.

I think the ambiguity is from as mentioned above, he couldn't do it by himself and feels let down that I chose to go home. I can't honestly say that part of that wasn't because I was fed up of babysitting.
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Diggs
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PostPosted: 10:01 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Plan something else you enjoy and move on. life is too short!

If he comes to you, fair enough but I wouldn't give it any more head-space.
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Baffler186
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PostPosted: 10:04 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've done your bit by messaging him and making it clear that you want to continue the friendship. The ball is now in his court - if he wants to be a childish drama queen then if it were me I'd not bother. Yes it might be a bit upsetting but there will be people with all of his qualities out there who you have yet to meet, and will not be childish about such things.

Similar happened to me and my best friend when we travelled australia. After 6 months she was spending all her money on piss and we couldn't do anything because she was always skint. I said I was going off with some other people and offered her the joint car we'd bought, which she refused. She basically said I'd ruined her trip, even though she had a great time for the next 6 months travelling with other people. We haven't spoken since because she's still too stubborn to admit she was being a child.

Life goes on, friends come and go. Just concentrate on doing what's right and don't fret about other people's feelings
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A100man
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PostPosted: 12:57 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Age is no bar to childish..

He'll come round, if not then you've lost nothing.
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Riejufixing
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PostPosted: 14:14 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Re: Friendship advice Reply with quote

garth wrote:
Riejufixing wrote:
Yoiu haven't 'phoned him or been to see him, then.


Sporadic contact until about three weeks ago. I've been in Vietnam for the last two weeks, and live 35 miles away when at home, so no, haven't just popped in.


Phone him up & find out. If you're worried he won't answer, use someone else's phone. Then you'll know.
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Lord Percy
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PostPosted: 19:37 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like he's a very childish man-boy, to be perfectly honest.

One thing about 'growing up', in my opinion, is that you come to realise that everyone has a slightly different idea of what they want to do in life. In teens and perhaps early 20s, you tend to glue to your mates and hobble along like a bunch of penguins all tied together at the ankles, but after a certain point everyone realises it's okay to go in one's separate direction while still being on good terms with the original circle.

Sounds like he's still in teenage mode, wanting to stay tied to your ankle or something.

If he even had to whatsapp you to get help with booking a fligt home, then you're probably best off without the guy. 30 years old and can't even brave it and book a flight ticket for himself. It really does seem like the underlying issue is his own sense of self-inadequacy. If he really wanted to stay in Vietnam, and was really capable of doing it for himself, he'd still be there.

What an oddball.
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waffles
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PostPosted: 19:58 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe offer the olive branch of friendship and invite him out for a few beverages, if he ignores that then move on. You have your life and the man-child can do whatever he wants. You were putting much more effort into that friendship than he was anyway!
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hellkat
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PostPosted: 22:38 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Diggs wrote:
Plan something else you enjoy and move on. life is too short!

If he comes to you, fair enough but I wouldn't give it any more head-space.


What Diggs said. Thumbs Up Cool
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Ste
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PostPosted: 22:41 - 16 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should plot revenge.
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woo
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PostPosted: 00:07 - 17 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

delete his number forget him move on

people always said to me women come and go, ive come to realise so do friends even ones you considered close
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M.C
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PostPosted: 00:28 - 17 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

woo wrote:
people always said to me women come and go, ive come to realise so do friends even ones you considered close

Pretty much this. Recently I had my best mate who I've known since infant school basically stop talking to me, and I'm still not entirely sure why. I had it out with another mate years ago, again really close and knew him all my life, after a disagreement about how much physical contact you can use in basketball ( Rolling Eyes ), who decided that was the catalyst for not wanting to be mates anymore.

That time I pushed and found out why and TBH it made things worse, now I just accept some people don't value friendships and are willing to end them over something petty, or even just because there's no benefit for them in the friendship anymore Neutral
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PostPosted: 01:56 - 17 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ultimately, I can't advise what to do, but don't be afraid to fuck off old friends, some of them suck the life out of you.

I had a mate, a good mate, so good he was best man at my first wedding - stuck with him for 20 years, then he let me down in a massive way, which caused me to review those previous 20 years and I realised it was all very one way.

Gave him the sack, which was a bit sad for a while, but the more I thought about it, I didn't regret it, I couldn't see that he could add anything to my life.
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MCN
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PostPosted: 09:36 - 17 Nov 2018    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unfriend the bastirt on Facebook, Instagram, Forchan etc.

Block his No. in your phone.

Find a new pal.

There are 8 billion potential mates in the world. (Minus him of course.)
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trevor saxe-coburg-gotha
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PostPosted: 10:59 - 17 Nov 2018    Post subject: Re: Friendship advice Reply with quote

garth wrote:
After some opinions...

As some of you may know, I spent the last four-ish months rising 13,000 miles across Canada and America with my mate of 15 years.

I left my girlfriend behind as the plans were in motion before i left. At the time I left, we had been together 7 months. Part of the plan was for her to come out and meet us for a month later down the line.

So after the issues that we had away (a mechanical on my mates bike due to neglecting to check the oil) we opted not to go into Mexico, and instead ship the bikes home. My friend went straight to Vietnam, I went back home for a few days to see the gf, and went to meet him a few days later.

It quickly occured to me once in Vietnam that my heart wasn't in travelling anymore. I'd done my bit, I'd had enough. I explained this to him (wasn't received well) but said that because of the pre-planned month visit from my other half, that I may be back in a month, and could meet him. I flew home, he stayed out for a further week before coming back, justification being "being here by yourself is shit".

Six weeks have passed since then. The bikes have arrived home. I sent him the paperwork I received to fill in and pay, which he took over a week to fill in and return to the agent. I've since collected my bike, and sent him the details to do so.

I've WhatsApp messaged him a general 'you ok mate' - no reply. I've sent one further message asking if he's about to do some green laning on the Christmas break - no reply.

As I said I would, I've returned to Vietnam with the Mrs. Ofcourse, he's long gone but was for weeks before I came back.

Checked my Instagram today and I've been unfollowed.

There are other points to mention that may be of relevance, such as I was generally taking the lead on most of the trip. Pretty much all expenses went on my credit card (mate didn't have one organised in time) Hotels, shipping, route planning was largely initiated by myself. He does not have a partner himself.

Am I being completely unreasonable to expect a response?!

Can anyone see any glaring errors?

I've tried to be reasonable, upfront, adult and honest, I'm of the school of thought that if you've a problem, you talk about it, not ignore the person and unfollow... (I only got Instagram to show people at home pics anyway before I left!)

It all just seems a bit childish @31.


This whole thing is ludicrously predictable, inevitable and fucking shite. I've seen it, and experienced it, many times. My mate's the latest victim - he went away on a Welsh tour in the summer. I knew - and he suspected - that it wouldn't end well. Glad I didn't go - although I suppose, had I been there, I could've played the part of intermediary between him and the sources of tension (and ultimately much misery) in the group.

Please NB these guys are biking seniors - all late 60s, early 70s. This kind of shit happens to young and old alike.

He came back with so much bile and poison I barely recognised him - him being a very, very mild-mannered, reasonable, accommodating breed. He swore up and down that if he was ever in the same room with this guy (who he's been friends with since the '60s afaik) he would garotte the cunt.

I put the kettle on and unleashed the full might of my tea and sympathy. But my underlying message - subtle was it was - was inescapable: In 6 months' time you'll not only be talking again but arranging Xmas meet-ups etc.

To say this assertion was greeted with scepticism is hugely understating matters. And yet, here we are, 6 months later and not only are they speaking again but yeah, meeting up.

The reason I knew it would pan out this way is because I've been there several times. And in each case, reparations are eventually paid and stuff heals. Okay, it's never quite back to 100% - but it'll be in the 90s.

I don't know what it is about going away and similar. I think what happens is that, we think we know someone really well - but rarely do we spend every hour of every day with them. That's the real tester - and unfortunately there's no god way to test it properly. The guy that I last experienced this kind of crap with is currently badgering me to go on some cockamamie great epic American road trip, staying above the Dixie line and focusing on one-horse town prairie backwaters. Or some such blarney. I'd love it. But a). I can't afford it and b). I know fine well how shit will eventually go down. If he's honest, so does he. It's not that we're some sort of toxic cocktail. The chances are that nine out of every ten other blokes we could think of to undertake such a trip would spark the same crap.

I don't know why it happens, but unless the dice rolls just right, shit goes the fuck down. At some point. And holy fuck, it can really kick off. We're talking day after day of sullen silence, grunted 'communication' and abject stupidity. There is as yet no known cure - and the only advice is to focus on early prevention. Don't say I didn't warn you. I mean, I actually didn't warn you. But just don't say that.
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