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garth |
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garth World Chat Champion
Joined: 15 Dec 2004 Karma :
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Posted: 16:50 - 15 Nov 2018 Post subject: Friendship advice |
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After some opinions...
As some of you may know, I spent the last four-ish months rising 13,000 miles across Canada and America with my mate of 15 years.
I left my girlfriend behind as the plans were in motion before i left. At the time I left, we had been together 7 months. Part of the plan was for her to come out and meet us for a month later down the line.
So after the issues that we had away (a mechanical on my mates bike due to neglecting to check the oil) we opted not to go into Mexico, and instead ship the bikes home. My friend went straight to Vietnam, I went back home for a few days to see the gf, and went to meet him a few days later.
It quickly occured to me once in Vietnam that my heart wasn't in travelling anymore. I'd done my bit, I'd had enough. I explained this to him (wasn't received well) but said that because of the pre-planned month visit from my other half, that I may be back in a month, and could meet him. I flew home, he stayed out for a further week before coming back, justification being "being here by yourself is shit".
Six weeks have passed since then. The bikes have arrived home. I sent him the paperwork I received to fill in and pay, which he took over a week to fill in and return to the agent. I've since collected my bike, and sent him the details to do so.
I've WhatsApp messaged him a general 'you ok mate' - no reply. I've sent one further message asking if he's about to do some green laning on the Christmas break - no reply.
As I said I would, I've returned to Vietnam with the Mrs. Ofcourse, he's long gone but was for weeks before I came back.
Checked my Instagram today and I've been unfollowed.
There are other points to mention that may be of relevance, such as I was generally taking the lead on most of the trip. Pretty much all expenses went on my credit card (mate didn't have one organised in time) Hotels, shipping, route planning was largely initiated by myself. He does not have a partner himself.
Am I being completely unreasonable to expect a response?!
Can anyone see any glaring errors?
I've tried to be reasonable, upfront, adult and honest, I'm of the school of thought that if you've a problem, you talk about it, not ignore the person and unfollow... (I only got Instagram to show people at home pics anyway before I left!)
It all just seems a bit childish @31. ____________________ You ain't a has been if you never was |
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Tracey Suntan-King |
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Tracey Suntan-King World Chat Champion
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kgm World Chat Champion
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Lord Percy |
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Lord Percy World Chat Champion
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Posted: 17:43 - 15 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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A 31 year old man doing that is pretty pathetic.
Unfollowed on Instagram
Doesn't sound like you were unreasonable at all.
If he was upset about you calling it a day after Vietnam, then he clearly wanted to carry on the adventure, with you. So it can't be due to any long-standing interpersonal issue.
Only logical suggestion would be that he blames you for causing his big adventure to end early, and that he feels inadequate because he has basically admitted to you, and to himself, that he isn't capable of such travel on his own.
An alternative suggestion would be that his idea of the trip was a real 'to the bitter end' thing, where you guys do everything side by side, two pals on a shared adventure... that kind of thing. Then you decided to leave, which he may have interpreted as a no-homo version of "I'm just not that into you any more." Kind of a heartbreak between mates, if you know what I mean.
Depends a lot on the way you guys get on generally, too. I have mates who I'd write off as petty cunts if they did that, and others who I'd be genuinely concerend over if they did the same. |
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Riejufixing |
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Riejufixing World Chat Champion
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Snod Blatter |
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Snod Blatter Crazy Courier
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Posted: 23:01 - 15 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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This actually kind of happened to me a year and a bit ago when my "mate" decided to go home (to his missus!) while we were in the Pyrenees, about 2/3 of the way through a 2 week trip. I now consider him unreliable, soft and the friendship is nothing like it was. If all you have in common is bikes and travelling, and you chose staying at home with the missus over the adventure, then it's all over.
We were both 30 at the time and I think we are still growing up, of course people mature in different directions and there's no need to try and stay friends with a person you no longer recognise. That person probably doesn't know who you are either.
Of course, if he's hiding because he owes you money then perhaps he needs his tyre valves inspecting at the very least ____________________ 1994 CB250, 1984 CBX250RS-E, 1989 K100RS, 1995 TRX850, 2016 Z250SL |
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garth |
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garth World Chat Champion
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garth |
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garth World Chat Champion
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garth |
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garth World Chat Champion
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Posted: 04:29 - 16 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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Lord Percy wrote: | A 31 year old man doing that is pretty pathetic.
Unfollowed on Instagram
Doesn't sound like you were unreasonable at all.
If he was upset about you calling it a day after Vietnam, then he clearly wanted to carry on the adventure, with you. So it can't be due to any long-standing interpersonal issue.
Only logical suggestion would be that he blames you for causing his big adventure to end early, and that he feels inadequate because he has basically admitted to you, and to himself, that he isn't capable of such travel on his own.
An alternative suggestion would be that his idea of the trip was a real 'to the bitter end' thing, where you guys do everything side by side, two pals on a shared adventure... that kind of thing. Then you decided to leave, which he may have interpreted as a no-homo version of "I'm just not that into you any more." Kind of a heartbreak between mates, if you know what I mean.
Depends a lot on the way you guys get on generally, too. I have mates who I'd write off as petty cunts if they did that, and others who I'd be genuinely concerend over if they did the same. |
We get on ok, generally. We are very different people - he's extremely laid back where I am more motivated. I can see how either traits would annoy either party, but I'm always overtly honest as to avoid any bad air. I'm erring more towards the petty side at the moment tbh, but time will tell.
The heartbreak between mates is probably a very valid point. I'd like to think if the shoe was on the other foot that I'd think 'We've been away the best part of four months, seen a load of cool shit, none of which would've happened without you, it's been fun but I understand that you've got other stuff going on in your life that you don't want to lose' kind of thing. ____________________ You ain't a has been if you never was |
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garth World Chat Champion
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garth |
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garth World Chat Champion
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Posted: 04:44 - 16 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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Snod Blatter wrote: | This actually kind of happened to me a year and a bit ago when my "mate" decided to go home (to his missus!) while we were in the Pyrenees, about 2/3 of the way through a 2 week trip. I now consider him unreliable, soft and the friendship is nothing like it was. If all you have in common is bikes and travelling, and you chose staying at home with the missus over the adventure, then it's all over.
We were both 30 at the time and I think we are still growing up, of course people mature in different directions and there's no need to try and stay friends with a person you no longer recognise. That person probably doesn't know who you are either.
Of course, if he's hiding because he owes you money then perhaps he needs his tyre valves inspecting at the very least |
I see your point, but it's hard to draw parallels between a two week euro jolly and a four month trip, especially when I took a flight from home to go back out to meet him after the Canada, America bit.
Add into the equation that the trip genuinely wouldn't even have happened if it weren't for me. I did all the research, found both bikes, found racks, tanks, luggage. Booked flights, sorted navigation systems, bought all the spares, fixed any punctures, booked all the hotels, routes, shipping to and from, paperwork. FFS even when he decided to leave Asia he had to WhatsApp me to book him a flight because he couldn't do it...!
As I mentioned about the different personalities - I checked my oil every single day, and he watched me do it. He didn't check for a month and it seized up. I gave him a scottoiler, which he didn't fill up ever, and his chain snapped.
I think the ambiguity is from as mentioned above, he couldn't do it by himself and feels let down that I chose to go home. I can't honestly say that part of that wasn't because I was fed up of babysitting. ____________________ You ain't a has been if you never was |
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Diggs |
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Diggs World Chat Champion
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Posted: 10:01 - 16 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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Plan something else you enjoy and move on. life is too short!
If he comes to you, fair enough but I wouldn't give it any more head-space. ____________________ Now - Speed Triple, old ratty GS550, GSXR750M
Gone (in order of ownership) - Raleigh Runabout, AP50, KH125, GP125, KH250, CBX550, Z400, CB750FII, 250LC, GS550, ZXR750H1, Guzzi Targa, GSX750F, KH250 x2, Bimota SB6R and counting... |
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Baffler186 World Chat Champion
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A100man |
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A100man World Chat Champion
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Posted: 12:57 - 16 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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Age is no bar to childish..
He'll come round, if not then you've lost nothing. ____________________ Now: A100, GT250A, XJ598, FZ750
Then: Fizz, RS200, KL250, XJ550, Laverda Alpina, XJ600, FZS600 |
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Shaft World Chat Champion
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Posted: 01:56 - 17 Nov 2018 Post subject: |
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Ultimately, I can't advise what to do, but don't be afraid to fuck off old friends, some of them suck the life out of you.
I had a mate, a good mate, so good he was best man at my first wedding - stuck with him for 20 years, then he let me down in a massive way, which caused me to review those previous 20 years and I realised it was all very one way.
Gave him the sack, which was a bit sad for a while, but the more I thought about it, I didn't regret it, I couldn't see that he could add anything to my life. ____________________ Things get better with age; I'm close to being magnificent........
20 RE Interceptor, 83 Z1100A3, 83 GS650 Katana
WooHoo, I'm a Man Point Millionaire! https://www.bikechatforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=234035 |
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trevor saxe-coburg-gotha |
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trevor saxe-coburg-gotha World Chat Champion
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Posted: 10:59 - 17 Nov 2018 Post subject: Re: Friendship advice |
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garth wrote: | After some opinions...
As some of you may know, I spent the last four-ish months rising 13,000 miles across Canada and America with my mate of 15 years.
I left my girlfriend behind as the plans were in motion before i left. At the time I left, we had been together 7 months. Part of the plan was for her to come out and meet us for a month later down the line.
So after the issues that we had away (a mechanical on my mates bike due to neglecting to check the oil) we opted not to go into Mexico, and instead ship the bikes home. My friend went straight to Vietnam, I went back home for a few days to see the gf, and went to meet him a few days later.
It quickly occured to me once in Vietnam that my heart wasn't in travelling anymore. I'd done my bit, I'd had enough. I explained this to him (wasn't received well) but said that because of the pre-planned month visit from my other half, that I may be back in a month, and could meet him. I flew home, he stayed out for a further week before coming back, justification being "being here by yourself is shit".
Six weeks have passed since then. The bikes have arrived home. I sent him the paperwork I received to fill in and pay, which he took over a week to fill in and return to the agent. I've since collected my bike, and sent him the details to do so.
I've WhatsApp messaged him a general 'you ok mate' - no reply. I've sent one further message asking if he's about to do some green laning on the Christmas break - no reply.
As I said I would, I've returned to Vietnam with the Mrs. Ofcourse, he's long gone but was for weeks before I came back.
Checked my Instagram today and I've been unfollowed.
There are other points to mention that may be of relevance, such as I was generally taking the lead on most of the trip. Pretty much all expenses went on my credit card (mate didn't have one organised in time) Hotels, shipping, route planning was largely initiated by myself. He does not have a partner himself.
Am I being completely unreasonable to expect a response?!
Can anyone see any glaring errors?
I've tried to be reasonable, upfront, adult and honest, I'm of the school of thought that if you've a problem, you talk about it, not ignore the person and unfollow... (I only got Instagram to show people at home pics anyway before I left!)
It all just seems a bit childish @31. |
This whole thing is ludicrously predictable, inevitable and fucking shite. I've seen it, and experienced it, many times. My mate's the latest victim - he went away on a Welsh tour in the summer. I knew - and he suspected - that it wouldn't end well. Glad I didn't go - although I suppose, had I been there, I could've played the part of intermediary between him and the sources of tension (and ultimately much misery) in the group.
Please NB these guys are biking seniors - all late 60s, early 70s. This kind of shit happens to young and old alike.
He came back with so much bile and poison I barely recognised him - him being a very, very mild-mannered, reasonable, accommodating breed. He swore up and down that if he was ever in the same room with this guy (who he's been friends with since the '60s afaik) he would garotte the cunt.
I put the kettle on and unleashed the full might of my tea and sympathy. But my underlying message - subtle was it was - was inescapable: In 6 months' time you'll not only be talking again but arranging Xmas meet-ups etc.
To say this assertion was greeted with scepticism is hugely understating matters. And yet, here we are, 6 months later and not only are they speaking again but yeah, meeting up.
The reason I knew it would pan out this way is because I've been there several times. And in each case, reparations are eventually paid and stuff heals. Okay, it's never quite back to 100% - but it'll be in the 90s.
I don't know what it is about going away and similar. I think what happens is that, we think we know someone really well - but rarely do we spend every hour of every day with them. That's the real tester - and unfortunately there's no god way to test it properly. The guy that I last experienced this kind of crap with is currently badgering me to go on some cockamamie great epic American road trip, staying above the Dixie line and focusing on one-horse town prairie backwaters. Or some such blarney. I'd love it. But a). I can't afford it and b). I know fine well how shit will eventually go down. If he's honest, so does he. It's not that we're some sort of toxic cocktail. The chances are that nine out of every ten other blokes we could think of to undertake such a trip would spark the same crap.
I don't know why it happens, but unless the dice rolls just right, shit goes the fuck down. At some point. And holy fuck, it can really kick off. We're talking day after day of sullen silence, grunted 'communication' and abject stupidity. There is as yet no known cure - and the only advice is to focus on early prevention. Don't say I didn't warn you. I mean, I actually didn't warn you. But just don't say that. ____________________ "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
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Old Thread Alert!
The last post was made 5 years, 201 days ago. Instead of replying here, would creating a new thread be more useful? |
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