When did you last cry?

[hellkat]

I was thinking about stuff after reading back through the Men's Health thread (especially Grr666), and I wondered - : just how macho are you guys, cos do you actually ever allow yourself to cry?

I am so emotionally-constipated, after years of shouldering any number of burdens and soldiering on regardless, its almost impossible for me to cry or be openly emotional about anything sad or difficult. I'm good with happy emotions: Mrs Ridiculously Cheerful most of the time, but its actually quite frustrating to be unable to cry.

But I've come close:

1. When my daughter told me I was gonna be a granny.
I had a momentary burst of happy crying, and an afternoon of damp-eyed joyousness.

2. When my cat was initially diagnosed with fairly irredeemable cancer.
I didn't even shed a tear when I had to take her for the final vet's trip: I was firmly buckled into the Coping Mindset - although I had a slight wobble when I agreed with the vet to Do that Deed.

But there are A LOT of things I haven't actually cried about that I should have done: a bit of log-jam scenario.

What about you - when was the last time?
Can you even bring yourself to tell us?
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Easy-X]

When my dad died.
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Royal Enfield Continental GT 535, Husqvarna Vitpilen 401, Yamaha XSR700, Honda Rebel, Yamaha DT175, Suzuki SV650 (loan) Fazer 600, Keeway Superlight 125, 50cc turd scooter

[FF68]

Not full on hysterical sobbing like a little girl...but I get teary eyed most days over the slightest of things. I'm a very emotional guy by nature and I know why too.

Reason why?

I'm 57 now and live a normal life BUT between the age of 20 and 24 I was a proper lunatic that went to all those old school illegal acid house raves and dance music clubs and I was heavily into taking Ecstasy, Whizz, Weed, and Acid, and I was off my head constantly 7 days a week living in fantasy land with all the other music mad druggies.

Over the years I've come to realise that I did some permanent damage to my brain cells during that period and the Ecstasy (specifically) affected my dopamine and serotonin receptors and messed with my emotions, feelings, and moods.

They were good times and a lot of fun though. I'd do it all again for sure if I could go back in time
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Honda H100s. Aprilia RS125. Honda CBR600RR. Aprilia RSVR1000.

[to v or not to v]

when i had to pay for lunch at the pub today. £50+ for a couple of burgers and puddings!
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current bike Yamaha Thunderace.
Moto Guzzi V7.

[FF68]

[CrypticCrud]

I’m prone to emotional outbursts but not crying… between 26 Dec 24 & 16 Apr 25 I lost 10 friends & only one had me bawling like I’ve never bawled before..

My best mate went into hospital on the Monday 17 Feb at 1000 and left me on this planet with endless fucktards at 2311 on Thursday 20th, and then when I carried his coffin and sat through his eulogy.

Until Geoff died I’d never experienced death up close.. and I can safely say as peaceful as his ending was.. I don’t ever want to have to tell someone’s kids that their dad has days / hours to live ever again.

I’m welling up now!

RIP fella.. you are missed!
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CBT - Aug24, Theory - Jun25, Mod 1 - Jul25, Mod 2 - Sep25
Kawasaki Z125 > Honda Z125

[hellkat]

[to v or not to v]

[virus]

Yesterday, at a close friends funeral.
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own: 81 xs1100g...
owned: 85 rat CG (sold), 91 GS500e (stolen), 84 gsx400f (scrapped), 81 z250 (siezed, siezed, scrapped), 83 cb250rs (sold), 84 gpz750r ratfighter (killed) 84gpz400 (sold), '80 cb650 ratfighter (wrote off) 95gsx6/12f ratfighter (killed) 91 xj900 (sold)
stinkwheel Well I just had my hands up a pigs fanny. Which makes your concerns pale into insignificance.

[Skudd]

I often think of my own funeral, the songs I want during it, I get three.
The Passenger... Iggy Pop
Life on Mars.. Bowie
Modern Love.. Bowie

I then listen to them and tear up thinking how my kids would cope.
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Famous last words of Humpty Dumpty. " Stop pushing me "
Petty Anarchists look at "1984".............. The Visionary looks at "Animal Farm".

[Easy-X]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPXWt2ESxVY
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Royal Enfield Continental GT 535, Husqvarna Vitpilen 401, Yamaha XSR700, Honda Rebel, Yamaha DT175, Suzuki SV650 (loan) Fazer 600, Keeway Superlight 125, 50cc turd scooter

[panrider_uk]

Every time a pet has died
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Current bikes: Honda ST1100 Pan European. Moto Guzzi V85 TT Travel

[to v or not to v]

[hellkat]

[FF68]

[hellkat]

Fortunately I have a lot of love and caring to offer.
Just seems to be very few people worthy of receiving the huge bounty of it

But I've just blocked off the crying thing and yes it does sometimes feel a bit "dead" when I know I should cry but I can't.

Been coming a bit close lately but never quite manage it.
Probably the extra emotion related to the grandchild.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[temeluchus]

Nobcat.jpg
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Some shite cruiser. Now with guns and FREEDOM!

[hellkat]

OK so today I have actually started bawling my fucking eyes out.

I had to start the tedious task of contacting the Home Office , being terrified that all this new ILR bullshit for people who aren't British blah blah blah and having my future thrown into complete disarray.

I am opening the correct account for the correct department etc etc god I am sooooo fucking stressed.

So despite trying to be sensible and buttoned up and talking to several very helpful people, I broke down and couldn't even speak at one point.

Super-stressed of Docklands, actually scared and crying
For fucks sake


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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[hellkat]

All that swearing, probably knocked out half a gold blob

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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Tarmacsurfer]

[Tarmacsurfer]

To answer the original question, last actually breaking down and sobbing cry was just under three years ago. Before that, christ knows.

Going to share this as it's nearly the anniversary and I'm too maudlin to care is anyone is interested.

We adopted a small and very broken dog around six years back, a very malnourished King Charles cavalier that the breeder signed over to Claire's practice (she's a vet nurse) when the dog was diagnosed with Addisons. We took the dog on, got her back to health and bonded. She was more a kid than a pet, we both always said that we accepted that she was ill and would just value the time we got with her. I won't bore you with all the stories but there are many. I grew up in a kennels and always had a degree of antipathy to small breeds, but Smoldog as she became colloquially known charmed the bejesus out of us.

Fast forward three years and it was her third birthday and our wedding anniversary, so a big celebration (we'd not long since moved to Scotland and the house was in a bad way, shitting on a make do toilet behind a curtain with no walls let alone electrics kind of bad). Because she slept with us (sleeping bags on a sofa bed with our mattress on it) we noticed her breathing was bad in the night. One vet visit later they thought it was just a cough but within two days it was bad. Rushed admission to the amusingly named Royal Dick vet hospital in Edinburgh and she was declared fine after a night in observation. Comes home, bad again. Rushed back in. This time they did a full board blood workup and checked ntidals to find her CO2 was very elevated and diagnosed as pneumonia. This is a dog in perfect health other than the endocrinal issues (she had to take daily steroids) but weighing less than 5kg so the infection ripped into her.

My last memory of her alive is pawing at the porthole of the oxygen kennel as she wanted to be picked up and to play with us. No stress or betrayal, she hadn't seen us for a while and wanted to play.

Within two hours she was in a medical coma and on mechanical breathing to try and buy time for the medication to kick in. After 24 very fucking stressful hours we had the machines turned off as there was no improvement.

I've lost many friends over the years, been to more funerals than I could honestly list. Lost my family in my late teens. It's never hurt like this.

My clearest memory of the whole clusterfuck is the morning after collecting her from the hospital, we'd picked her body up late on the night and arranged for an individual cremation with a small local pet crematorium, we'd put her in her car seat thing (known as her chariot) with a blanket over her and I'd put her favourite tennis ball in as she was obsessed with it. It'd been around her whole life and was one of her two best friends, to the extent that it was a running joke in the family that "ball is life". We got to the crem (it's also a farm/fencing place, typical rural venue) and I remember lifting the blanket to stroke her and seeing the ball and wondering why she wasn't alive. Ball is life. It should fix things.

Fucking ridiculous isn't it? I'm the wrong side of 50, some of you have met me and may have observed that I'm not exactly in touch with my feeling on the surface level, but before I knew it I was bawling like a toddler.

I still miss her every day, as does my wife. We've acquired other pets, even lost other pets since, but even losing my brothers in the nineties didn't tear a hole like that.

If you're reading this thinking "what a tosser" than fair enough. All I'll say in closing is that I genuinely hope that if you can't picture an adult behaving like that then you continue being either lucky enough not to do so, or detached enough to never care. I don't hurt easy but holy fucking christ. Near enough on this day three years ago, I hurt.

One final kick. We discovered later that the pneumonia was an extremely rare form, fungal rather than bacterial so they were giving the wrong treatment anyway. This variant is very, very unusual. It can be caused by rotting wood. There were piles of old roof timbers in the garden and we were using wood chip I had made from overgrown willows as mulching material.

There's always going to be that niggle, that stain of uncertain guilt at the back of my head wondering if the wood I'd processed had been tainted, or if I had burned to old roof just a few months quicker would she have been fine. Almost as stupid as a childlike hope that "ball is life" would fix things, but so much harder to deal with.
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I'm immortal. Well, so far.

[to v or not to v]

[FF68]

[hellkat]

Yeah, a bit.
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[CrypticCrud]