Some jokes

[Tom_N]

Sorry if these have already been posted...


A guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge biker standing next to him.
The biker sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each and Turner Brown".
The little guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The biker kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.
He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The biker says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
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A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"
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A man dies & appears at The Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you exhibited courage?", St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"Once I came upon a group of Bikers who were bothering a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and meanest looking one.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago."
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Two engineering students meet up one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young women rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time
in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened,
she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her
panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he
said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped
your balls off!"
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Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
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Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"