The Top Ten...

[Steve H]

Every now and again in the Diary Page of my website i invite people to contribute a Top Ten of whatever subject that floats their boat - it can be serious, humourous or even ludicrous, I'll print anything (although I do retain editorial control!).

Anyway, I received an email yesterday containing a Top Ten from a friend that I thought deserved a wider audience than merely the handful of people that might stumble across my site every now and again...

Link

The Top Ten Wacky Racers (OK there's 11 - 'Whatever')

11. The Ant Hill Mob...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-bullet_proof_bomb__ant_hill_mob.gif

These wannabe Chicago toughs suffered from a litany of drawbacks. They were midgets for a start. How can you seriously expect to compete when you need to stack yourselves up one on top of the other JUST to reach the steering wheel? ‘Chugg-a-boom’ or the ‘Bulletproof Bomb’ was pathetic. Pootling along whilst moaning about being shot at by D&M or sawn up by the Buzzwagon, this clanking old jalope was clearly not up to proper 60s Racing. Finally, they were all as thick as shit and as hard as piss, despite giving it the big ‘we are’ gangster front. Unforgivably the one that yelled ‘we’re gonna crash, we’re all gonna die’ each week was proved sadly inaccurate.

10. Peter Perfect...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-turbo_terrific__peter_perfect.gif

The only one who actually HAD a Formula One car and he was still shit. Spent all his time trying to get into Pitstop’s knickers and failed miserably. The English accent spelt only one thing – loser.

9. The Red Max...

https://www.hotink.com/wacky/04.gif

Worse at powered flight than the Creepy Coupe despite being a plane, worse than The Army Surplus Special at shooting despite having a machine gun, the Crimson Haybailer was hopeless. And German.

8. The Arkansas Chugabug...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-arkansas_chugabug__Luke_&_Blubber_Bear.gif

Yeah cos driving with your feet works doesn’t it? The most patently ludicrous animal / human combo in the list were annoying for the following reasons – stupid voices (hick drawl, scaredy-cat ‘bear’), stupid personas (don’t give a shit I’ll smoke my pipe and she what happens / shitting my pants if I had any, biting my nails if I didn’t have claws) & trying to make us believe a coal-fired range would propel them a yard. Rubbish.

7. The Army Surplus Special...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-army_surplus_special.gif

Loveable Duo Sarge and Private Meekly were always gonna be at a disadvantage because they were in a Sherman Tank with a roller grafted on the front. With top speeds nudging 30 miles an hour it was frankly laughable that the event organisers even considered them for the Races. One thing they did quite literally, have in their armoury however, was a fucking big cannon. Surely they’d just blast the other competitors to Kingdom Come and walk away with the prizes? Er, no…actually.

6. The Gruesome Twosome...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-creepy_coupe__Gruesome_twosome.gif

The Creepy Coupe was an iconic design and deserved a better drive than it got from these 2 numptys. Big Gruesome spoke like Boris Karloff and Little Gruesome like Peter Lorre. Switching to ‘Dragon Power’ was an overused yet ultimately futile ploy as the supernatural beast got ‘em in the air for ooooo… about 4 seconds before they crashed back to earth. Candlelamp headlights and ghost encasing Belfry were unnecessary frippery.

5. Penelope Pitstop...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky2.jpg

The token totty’s record was second to none as she took typical feminine advantage of the idiotic ploys of her Racing menfolk. Often aided to his own detriment by Peter Perfect, the Pink Pussycat sneaked into more podium finishes than anyone else. The Ant Hill Mob also had a collective soft spot and were happy to lose as long as they thought she might let em team up on her. Never happened.

4. Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-buzzwagon__Rufus_Ruffcut_&_Sawtooth.gif

Made the most of a wooden car long after Morris had given up on that idea for the ‘Minor’. Were equally unhampered by circular saws for wheels. A sort of ‘D&M lite’ as they were actually quite scary but lacked the intrinsic sadism of the main man and er….dog. Squeezed as tightly as he was into the Buzzwagon’s cabin, Rufus must have hated the reek of stale beaver by the time the finish line came within sight. Sawtooth’s helmet and goggle combo won the Oscar for ‘Best Rodent Protective Ensemble in a Short Animation’. Yes it did.

3. Professor Pat Pending...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-ring-a-ding_convert-a-car__prof_Pat_Pending.gif

Surely the coolest named Racer with the coolest car but he let himself down with the faux English accent and Sir Clive Sinclair haircut. Let’s face it; he should have won every week as he had the ability to turn the Ring-a-Ding Convert-a-Car into anything he bloody well liked. Unfortunately, he tried to take the moral as well as physical high ground too often as he tut-tutted over D & M’s scheming and missed out time and again. Ultimately a wasted talent and undoubtedly an animated metaphor for the British scientific brain drain of the 60s.

2. The Slag Brothers...

https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-boulder_mobile__slag_brothers.gif

Fair play to the little hirsute fellas, they had nothing to go on apart from grunting and pedal power and they STILL managed their fair share of triumphs. Rock was the brains (he steered) and Gravel was the brawn (he ‘oonga-boongered’).They tended to fight amongst themselves rather than the opposition which made their achievements even more admirable. William Hanna even used them as a template for Captain Caveman – just think what they could have done with his multitasking club.

1. Dastardly and Muttley...

.https://www.melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/stills/Z/whacky-dick_dastardly_&_Muttley.gif

With precisely zero podium finishes you may be asking what the hell these two are doing as high as this? Quite simple really – they were shafted. They had the best car for a start - the Mean Machine was clearly at the cutting edge of late 60’s auto technology. Time and again they would ingeniously use fair means and yes, occasionally foul to manipulate winning scenarios only to have them cruelly denied by a moralistic utopia-wishing Hanna and Barbera, just so the kids wouldn’t play dirty at home. No one as intelligent as DD would lose as much without the influence of this supposedly benign animation God. We knew it, they knew it and above all Muttley knew it – but he chose just to take the piss. A disgrace.


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Mellow Yellow
The BCF Top TEN - 2010, 2009, 2008, The Original.

[TOM M]

Brilliant.

Im gonna have to try and buy wacky races on dvd
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Now owner of a 1200 Bandit

[TOM M]

Brilliant.

Im gonna have to try and buy wacky races on dvd
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Now owner of a 1200 Bandit

[owdamer]

Catch the pigeon was better.....
https://www.jedisparadise.co.uk/childrenstv/Dastardly%20and%20Muttley/Dastardly%20and%20Muttley1.jpg

[Walloper]

[MarJay]

Twas actually called "Dastardly and muttley and their flying machines".

The theme tune was called 'Stop the pidgeon".
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British beauty: Triumph Street Triple R; Loony stroker: KR1S; Track fun: GSXR750 L1; Commuter Missile: GSX-S1000F
Remember kids, bikes aren't like lego. You can't easily take a part from one bike and then fit it to another.

[Shaun]

Since we're getting pedantic the theme tune was actually called 'stop the pigeon'

[hellkat]

Hanna and Barbera had loads of brill cartoon shows.

I lurve Jinksie the cat from Pixie and Dixie
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Not nearly as interesting in real life.

[Walloper]

I liked Tom and Jerry.
In the old 'toons if the cat got thumped, blatted, thwacked or in anyway gubbed by something heavy or hard you could almost feel it.

Then the 'Pansy Brigade' softened it up and it's just not the same now.
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W-ireless A-rtificial L-ifeform L-imited to O-bservation P-eacekeeping and E-fficient R-epair

[owdamer]

I thought ctop the pigeon sounded odd.
The pink panther show was another good one, why dont they show that anymore??
https://perso.wanadoo.fr/patrick.lecordier/Pink%20panther.gif

[Steve H]

I'm bored enough to come up with another...

Linky

If any BCFers feel compelled enough to submit one of there own (whatever the subject!) feel free to PM or email me

The Top 10 Question Of Sport Captains

10. Franki Dettori…

https://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39191000/jpg/_39191726_ratio_300frankie.jpg

Brought up on a diet of the Sport of Kings and Serie A his lack of any real sporting knowledge became legendary to the point where he was spoon fed a diet of Horse Racing and Juventus questions. Only got renowned referee Pier Luigi Collina in the Mystery Guest round after being prompted by Sue Barker “Imagine him without the wig Franki and replace the conductors baton with a whistle”. He couldn’t understand the questions, he didn’t know who his team mates were and he had to sit on a cushion so that he could reach the button in the quick fire round.

9. Matt Dawson…

https://www.rwc2003.irb.com/NR/rdonlyres/50A683BF-5140-4839-810D-9C073CC80996/0/dawson.jpg

Middle class Matt – shamelessy appointed in an attempt to attract female viewers after England’s Rugby world Cup win. Dawson answered questions with a swift lick of the lips and greasy gaze into the camera. His unbottoned shirt and smoothly shaven cleavage revealed far more than we want to see at tea time on a Friday night. Missed England training ‘cos of ‘filming commitments of the show’ – Billy Beaumont wouldn’t have done that – Tosser.

8. Willie Carson…

https://www.sporting-pictures.com/emotions/emotions6.jpg

Brought in to rival Hughes’ annoying success at providing squeaky charm combined with annoying anecdotes. Borrowed his dentures from Desert Orchid and wore them throughout his time as Captain. Never got a ‘What Happened Next?’ question correct although he spent 4 hours formulating an answer much to the annoyance of team colleague James Hunt in one episode who had ‘…a bird out back waiting for me to fire up the Maserati Willie’.

7. Henry Cooper…

https://www.theeventsoffice.com/Images/CelebMainPic.jpg

Our ‘Enry provided cheeky London charm during the show’s early years. Talked about Mohammed Ali at every given opportunity and even famously worked him into an answer when he got Olympic medalist Mark Spitz on the Numbers Board. Unfortunately the crowd got bored of his one dimensional answers way before the BBC did and eventually he was farmed out to ITV and Fred Dineage making sporadic appearances on ‘HOW?’ where he explained how to deliver the perfect knockout punch.

6. Brendan Foster…

https://www.runningpast.com/sportscasters/bfoster.jpg

If the subject matter of the question didn’t have an Athletics or Northern culture slant then the Olympic medal winner was knackered. Asked if he could call his team ‘Brendan’s Harriers’ a request that was refused point black by David Coleman. This spelt the beginning of the end for Foster and his contract termination became final when he had an illegitimate child with QoS guest Mary Peters and called it Steve Cram.

5. Emlyn Hughes…

https://www.uefa.com/MultimediaFiles/Photo/uefa/UEFAMedia/256593_MEDIUMSQUARE.jpg

More excitable than a 6 year old on a diet of sherbert dip dabs, Hughes reinvented himself on our TV screens and thanks to QoS didn’t have to open a Pub after leaving professional football. Famously hugged Princess Anne after she corrected his grammar and made a mint by suing The Sun after they printed the headline ‘Anne rides Crazy Horse’ after the show when she was in fact referring to her 3 day event pony.

4. Ally McCoist…

https://www.rangers.premiumtv.co.uk/javaImages/6a/eb/0,,5~256874,00.jpg

Cheeky grin and glint in his eye – get’s given points and come to bed eyes by Sue Barker in equal quantities and is her favourite bloke next to Sir Cliff and Rod Laver. Constantly jocular even during his messy divorce/alcohol/drug problems during which time he was the consummate professional even when Sue was mentioned as the other woman. Beats Dawson all ends up and could also do him in a Bar Brawl.

3. Ian Botham…

https://www.rediff.com/cricket/2003/may/14botham.jpg

Provided grittiness and glamour when QoS was going through the wilderness years and probably would still be Captain if Sue Barker wasn’t wheeled in to replace his highlighted hair. Always wanted to win to the extent that there was a sense of unease in the Studio if things were getting tight as the finale of the show neared. Insisted on having Smirnoff Vodka in his water jug at all times and once vicioulsy spat “That’s Desmond Hayne’s you C*nt” to David Vine when Malcolm Marshall was revealed as the Mystery Guest although this was edited out of the televised episode.

2. Gareth Edwards…

https://www.bbc.co.uk/cymru/urdd05/images/gareth-edwards.jpg

Perfected the ‘get out of the chair to have a look at the Picture Board’ move when McCoist and Dawson were still in nappies. The motion at the time was roundly criticised by BBC chiefs and during filming Edwards was gaffa taped into his chair to avoid any freestyling by the Welsh Wizard. A move which England tried on Johnathan Davis during Wales’ Triple Crown success in 1988.

1. Billy Beaumont…

https://www.lions-tour.com/images/historyimages/lionstour1980_beaumont.jpg

Criticism was rife from QoS officianado’s when Billy’s name was mentioned as prospective Team Captain. No-one thought he’d make the grade. The quiet, unassuming, cauliflower eared, ex England Captain rumbled onto our screens and for years we gasped at his wisdom, sporting knowledge and patterned jumpers. When he correctly answered ‘Henry Rono’ to his away question households around the country gasped over their Fish Fingers. Ladies admired him and Dad’s wanted to be him. Nuff said.
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Mellow Yellow
The BCF Top TEN - 2010, 2009, 2008, The Original.