Has anyone had to deal with the death of a loved one?

[spitfire]

I lost my farther about 4 weeks ago due to a stroke, he had one about 2 years ago so it was not a complete surprise, however I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that he has gone and I'm only 34.

I spent a week in hospital with him, where basically I had to sit and watch him die, then I spent 2 weeks at my mums in Devon making arrangements. It was only when I got back home last week that it began to hit me. I went to work last week but could not focus so I have taken this week off.

I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything like that, but just wanted to know if anyone else has been here before, I have also found that talking about it helps.

cheers

[Tarmacsurfer]

Lost my mother to cancer back in the early nineties. Spent the three years prior to her death as a primary carer. It wasn't fun. Lost a few friends over the years. None of them were "easy" to deal with, but like anything else a coping mechanism does develop with practice.

Everyone deals with this kind of thing in their own way. I'm generally OK with past happenings. Sure, there are times of stress when I really want to talk to Tiny or mum, as they had the knack of seeing through the shit and nailing the problem, then (more importantly) helping me to find a solution. Never telling me what to do, but helping me to see what I needed to do. If that makes any sense.

One of the most stressful things I've found with events like these is the vultures and "grief counsellors" that come flocking. I swear, if one more person tells me that I should feel a certain way, or act in a certain manner then I'll snap. Was I sad when my mother died? Of course. Then again, after three years of watching an independant and strong woman withering away and hating herself, I was glad in a way. Same with Tiny's death, it hit me harder if anything, but he died in a way that was fitting and it wasn't "pointless". A huge help to my mindset. It does fade over time, the missing them. Not as much as we'd like maybe, but it does get easier. Don't give in to the "lack of focus" or depression if that starts to bite, just get on with life and the change that surrounds it. Live. It's not a chance the one we miss is getting.

Meh, I'm waffling and in an odd mood. You'll find your own way. If your dad was a special person to you then just hang on to that for now. Feel honoured to have known that person.
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I'm immortal. Well, so far.

[yambabe]

Wow, follow that!

I lost my dad 10 years ago to meningitis so it was very sudden and unexpected.

The only thing I can really add to what Tarmacsurfer has said is that you never really getover it, but in time you do learn to live with it.

I still sometimes see stuff or do stuff and think "I can't wait to tell dad about ..... oh". So I tell him anyway, but just in my head if that makes any sense.

The way I see it, if he's still alive in my memory then he hasn't totally gone, there is a part of him left behind in me and it's something that I treasure.
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Sod falling in love, I wanna fall in chocolate.

[Tarmacsurfer]

[G]

My parents seperated when I was 8 and I chose to live with my dad.
He was killed in a RTA when I was 11.

Try and focus on the good parts of his life - and the good things in your life as well - and how he would be proud of things you are doing, or are planning to do in the future etc.

Otherwise, if it's all getting too much, try and find something decent to distract you (and not riding bikes or other potentially dangerous things, please).

[mchaggis]

I was the last member of my family to see my grandad alive. Perhaps six hours after I'd been holding his hand and seeing him suffer, he was dead. I doubt I was as close to him as you would have been to your dad, but I've never really got over it; there are still some things which will bring me to tears thinking about it.

Talking about it (or even the topic of old people dying over long periods in care homes) for me usually churns up all the emotion again unfortunately. It's good to know that you're not emotionless, but it hurts.

Unfortunately, the only thing which will really made it easier for me has been time. It's normally estimated to take about 3 months for you to finish grieving. I personally try and remember him for positive things and happy memories rather than how I saw him in hospital.
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I must not be a troll...
Mmmm, Guinness
Discovering the delights of Hammerite and a 3/4" brush.

[sunbear]

Like that haggis fellow above, my Grandad passed away a week ago . I sat in the hospital for hours watching him take his last breaths so i could be there to support my mom. My nan was given a few months to live (cancer) and my Grandad just went downhill and gave up as he wanted to die first so not to have the pain of losing his wife of 50 years. Very sad. His funeral is tomorrow and i am helping carrying his coffin . I feel thats the last thing that i can do for him and i take alot of comfort in doing it.

A week before that i lost my uncle too . He was only 40 and was totally unexpected. He was at a friends house drinking and nobody noticed that he hadnt moved for a while. He had been dead for an hour before anyone noticed. He had lived with my family when me and my brother were kids and has always been there whenever we needed him . We dont know how he died yet. Again i carried his coffin in to the church (last week).

Although my loss is obviously nowhere near as painful as yours, i just wanted to let things out. The last couple of weeks i have felt in a daze and feel i should be missing them more than i am . Its a strange feeling. These are the first people close to me that have died (im 26) so im not sure how to be feeling.

I hope you can remember all the good times you shared with your father . Be thankful for them times .

Take care and grieve when you need to . Dont bottle anything up
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Bikes had : BMW F650, suzuki tr50, gt125, SV400, GSXR600 SRAD. Honda CBR900RRP, CBR600FX, CBR1000F, VT600, Transalp 600, mtx125, nsr125r, CB500T, Yamaha fy50, tzr125, tdr125, XV535, Diversion 600, Fazer 600, TDM850 MK1 & MK2, Majesty 400, XV 1100. Cagiva mito evolution, Aprilia rs125, Piaggio x9 125. DNA 125 . Suzuki Bandit 600, GZ125 Marauder, RF600 , RF900RS2, Kawasaki ZZR400, ZX6R Ninja, ZZR600 . Ducati 750 Sport . Triumph Tiger 955i. CURRENT : 2004 Kawasaki Z750 and LOVIN IT !

[Jrod]

My dad died last year from a heart attack totally out of the blue, was on his way to work.
I was only 17 at the time.

Seemed to cope really well tho, accepted it really quickly and have got on with my life as it's just soemthing that happens to us all.

[Scouse]

About a month ago we lost someone close to us. It really came as a shock to us all as it happened so suddenly without any signs. But we got on with life and just tried to think of the good times to ease the pain of it all. You've got to I suppose. I always just think of how they wouldn't want to be looking down on you wasting your time sulking over it.

[Marcg868]

Lost my step Dad who brought me up from 1 year old. Was there when he was dianosed with lung cancer, right through to Chemo and Raditherapy at Christies an eventually when he passed away in our house.
Was horrendous seeing him pain, but he still managed to be his normal self and led his life as normal as he could untill the last 3 weeks where he went down very quickly from there.

Also lost a very very good mate as you know on sunday, which still hasnt sunk in properly yet.

Miss them both very much
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JACK, MISS YOU LOADS YOU LEGEND.

[Dazbo666]

Lost my maternal grandmother to cancer (carcinomatosis IIRC) about 8 years ago, and lost my paternal grandfather three years ago after a long illness including Alzheimers, dimentia(sp?) and a number of small strokes.

It's difficult at the beginning because the loss is still raw, but I found that talking about them helps, and more specifically remembering them as they were.

I can't find it right now, but there's a poem or verse that helped me... something like "I'm only in the next room".... They may not physically be there in your day-to-day life anymore, but when they're kept in your memories, they'll always be there for you.

HTH
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1st bike (Sept'06 - May'10) : 1991 GPZ500S / Current bike (since Nov 2009) : 2003 Suzuki Bandit 600N
Word of the day : DILLIGAF

[mayfair]

Lost my mum(63) 4 months ago,just going the the stages,shock,numb then anger, lots of different things going on inside.


Was at the racing with my sons,when i got the phone call to come home,son just crashed his bike down Duffus dip,never went to medical center at track,just left everything,and came straight back to hospital,left the poor boy in A&E and went straight to my mum's side.

Feels like i am waiting for her to come home from holiday at the moment, and trying to stay strong for my dad and my kids.


It will get easier through time,so i am told.

[Handsome]

Condolencies to everyone in this thread.....

I lost my Father just gone ten years ago, he died at work due to a Heart Attack, he was 47.....

At the time I was 17 just about to turn 18 ( he was going to take me to Amsterdam on my Birthday )...And my brother was 14.....

There isn't a day goes by when I don't think about him, and when it comes to making decisions I sometimes wonder what he would have done in the same situation...It's always seen me in good Sted and I often dedicate rides to him.....

Miss you Dad.....

And yes the old saying of 'Times a Great Healer' are True, it does get easier with time and you remember the good times.....
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Previous Bikes...Honda NSR 125 RR...Kawasaki Zephyr 550...Suzuki SV 1000 S...Yamaha FZ8...Current Bike...Suzuki GSX-R 750...

[Paddy Blake]

Life deals some crap,i just wish life had a bollox i could kick every so often
just to feel better.

Paddy.

[msgander]

many condolences, and you are right talking about it helps. people have this "thing" at least in the UK where everyone tends to hush up, its not what you need at the time you need people to talk to you about it and not treat it as taboo.

Lost someone very dear to me through bike crash...was 1st October seven years ago actually...it was a shite time, and still hurts now....
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Always believe that your guardian angel flies a bit faster than you...............

[Nath]

[Marcg868]

Yeah im like that, after my step Dad dying i was not the same at School. I was usually the loud cheeky chappy and always womanising the girls in class and just generally being a gobshite, then my Step Dad died and i just used to sit there in silence and hardly speak to anyone.

Same now, im struggling to speak to people at the moment apart from other people who were there on sunday were we just remember about 2 weeks ago a great day we had up Rivvy with the lad.

Its hard, and ive been here before and time is a very good healer, i think the hardest part is days leading up to the funerla and during it, its a shock days before the funeral and then it hits you so hard during the funeral
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JACK, MISS YOU LOADS YOU LEGEND.

[Clanger]

Unfortunately yes.
Lost my step dad when I was 16, when I came home he was lying collapsed on the floor, he went into hospital and never came home. I suffered lots of guilt, because my Mum had specifically told me to stay with him when she went out...I only 'popped out' for 20 mins!

Then my best mate got killed in a bike crash when I was 18. The following year my beloved Granny died of cancer.

I have since lost a best mate to suicide...now that was very hard to cope with, it still gets me down even now.

Unfortunately death goes hand-in-hand with living...its something that happens to most people. Whether it happens at the beginning, middle or towards the end of your life its painful.

Remember there is no time scale attached for getting over it, so long as you go through the 'normal' loss emotions...and dont go into denial about it all, then you're life will come back to a degree of normality, and you will continue living. I guess the best thing to do, is embrace the life you have got and be thankful, and keep the memory of your loved one alive....
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind - Dr. Seuss

[spitfire]

Thanks everyone!

Nice to know how people cope with this.

I have found that taking this week off, doing simple jobs (such as cleaning the bike) visiting my friends and thinking about my future (jobs etc) has made me feel more confident to cope with the loss. I know it wont go away but life does go on.

I know it sounds cheesy but doing things dad woul have wanted me to have done will also play a part, I want to still make him proud, hopefully he is looking down and will be able to see that.

cheers
Pete

[Marcg868]

Time is healer, and it is the best method to do things to take your mind of it. Just think they dont wont you moping about feeling upset, they want you to remember the good and happy times of them and lead your life as normal as possible.

My step Dad didnt want me and my mum to mope about, he wanted us to remember the good times with him and we do.

And also with the recent death of a good mate, he wouldnt want me or any of his biking mates to give up the thing we all share a passion for.
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JACK, MISS YOU LOADS YOU LEGEND.

[Scouse]

Can I just point out that I made my earlier post in this thread out of plain silliness and meant no offence to anybody. And even though I made it a silly thread I also pointed out a couple of good ways of coping which I do not think deserve boring or more particularly 'abusive' ratings.

Thankyou

[suzi_bandit]

I know ive kind of made it clear on other threads, but me and my bro me being 15 him being 13 lost our mum in a recent bike accident.

It just feels reasurring that there are other people with similar problems to ours.
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I want a big boys bike, preferably a Speed Triple. To date I have ?7:42p stashed away to put towards one. Need to get it in the bank & earning interest asap.

[JodieWodie]

Hi spitfire...

I know you aren't asking for sympathy. Sometimes it is just good to have anon people to rant to. All you want back are a reassuring words, and it can help a lot

I lost my Mum when I was 12. She died of kidney failure, and I was devastated. No-one knew she had it you see. The doctor visited her the previous day, at home, as she was having trouble breathing,... couldn't walk, eat, drink, talk. She was a mess.
He said she had a chest infection
I was going out that night. I could hear her moaning in her room. I went in to see her, ask what she wanted. She was slurring, couldn't understand. In the end I figured out that she wanted to try and sip some lemonade. I ended up shouting at her in frustration, then I stormed out with friends. Last time I ever saw her alive.
She died around 6 am the next morning. Dad woke up and found her. I could hear him shouting at her to wake up. And right then, I knew she was dead. I just knew.
I saw her lying in bed, cold blue lips. I just felt so guilty. So, so guilty, and I won't lie to you... people say time heals, and they are right, it heals a bit, but you never feel the same again. Of course, my circumstances are different to yours, but I still am not over that day. I am, shall we say, a bit different to others because of it. Moodswings, unexplained sadness... but I try and carry on. It was a bad age for that to happen to me

Last January, just after New Year, my BIL called me to tell me my Dad has died. Pulmonary Embolism (runs in the family. Mum had one, Sis did, I had one when I was pregnant- apparently they kill 90% of people who have one. Mine went into my brain from my leg..but I was lucky, up to now).
Dad's death was sudden, but I came to terms with it easier than Mum's death. I could reason it out more. He was old, blah blah. But it still hurt like hell.
I will never get over his death, but it will get easier in time.
Again, this death had the added guilt factor. My Dad and I fell out when I was 18 (I am 33 now). I sent him a christmas card with a photo of my daughter in it for the very first time since then (don't know why..just felt I wanted to let him know I was here and I still loved him).
He called my sister and asked her what he should do. He wanted to call me, but...
He died a couple of weeks later without making the call to me.
In the hospital, the nurses found the card and photo in his coat pocket. He had carried it around with him.
That fact still makes me cry to this day, and I guess always will


Spitfire, you do need time to grieve. And properly. Take the time off..chat about it all, get it out there! I know from experience that bottling things up only leads to problem later on in life.
Loved ones passing is a very, very difficult thing to have to deal with. But most of us will have to go through it.
My OH has his Nana and both parents still living, and he knows the day is coming, and is dreading it. He says he can't imagine what it will be like. And he is right. You simply cannot imagine the pain, until it hits you.
Try and remember the good times. Look at the photos, even though they make you cry. Talk about the funny stuff he said, let his memory live on. Painful, but needed

One of the best convos I have EVER had in my life was with my brother, end of last year.
We were at the club, about 11pm. Just sat there. And I mentioned one thing about Dad. He mentioned something else. And it snowballed. And then, before either of us realised, we were sobbing our hearts out, and could not stop. But it was GOOD. He said "I swore I would not cry again over Dad. And you made me". I said, no... the memories made you... memories are good, and it is good to remember him. You feel better for it though don't you ?
And he did. We both did

I truly feel for you
Anyway, love to you and yours

Jo xxx

(Just realised how long that was. Sorry )
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Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"

[Delbwoy]

My condolences to you all.

I lost a very good friend to cancer. He was 27 at the time. We restored an old Triumph Herald together a short while before he was diagnosed. 10 years on and I still have the car! It has 'For Phil' written on the back.

I believe that as has been said before, if the memories are there, and you still think of and "talk" to the person, it leaves you with a feeling of warmth. To me that person is still there. Some might say, an angel.

I'm lucky, my dad is alive and well ....ish. When I do things, I think to myself, I wonder what my dad would think of what I'm doing. If I think the answer is positive, I go ahead. If I think the answer is negative, I'm doing something wrong. The luck is, I can ask him.

I was nearly in tears reading all this (I'm a 38 year old male!) Then I read what Clanger wrote and I thought he was saying something completely different to what he actually was saying, I just had to smile................... and post.

[ColdInsomnia]

Personally I suppose I've been very lucky so far.

No one very close to me has died in the 18 years I've been alive. All my grandparents, siblings, close friends and stuff are still all alive and kicking.

But that's not to say I don't know the pain of loosing something very dear to you...


Shortly after my parents divorced I just started bottling everything up. I wouldn't talk to my parents, my brother, sister or friends. To cut a long story short, the only time I communicated with anything was with my dogs, specifically George.

George and Jasmine were both St Bernard dogs (Think Beethoven - yes they were huge) - George was Jasmine's son. I'd always loved those dogs dearly but after the divorce they were my best friends - someone to talk to and keep you company and they'd never force their opinion on you or get tired of listening to you. (I've started crying now but I'll keep typing).

Two months after the divorce I came home from school one day and found Jasmine limping around on three legs after she seemed to had badly twisted it. When my dad came home I told him, and we lifted her into the car - much to George's objection. The two of them could never be parted, I guess probably because George and Jasmine hadn't spent quite literally any time apart their entire lives. They did everything together - George had an area out the back where he always lied down, and Jasmine had hers not too far away. They always kept to their own little spaces like they were marked.

It wasn't easy lifting an 80 kilo dog into a car whilst an 85 kilo dog tries to stop you but we managed it.

I was 15 at the time. My dad was really quiet in the car and to be perfectly honest I didn't see it coming. I guess I should have but I just didn't want to.

My dad and Jasmine went into the vet's room whilst I waited in the reception area. After five minutes my dad came out in tears and told me I have 2 minutes to say my goodbyes.

I rarely cry... I'm not saying it in a macho-way but it's just something that I don't often do. But I cried in those last few minutes with her, all I can remember is her lying down looking at me with those big brown eyes as if she knew what was happening and was saying goodbye too.

I imagine it must have been very hard for my dad - he knew the dogs were my best friends, and he had to make the decision to kill one of the things I love most. For those wondering, surgery was an option but the divorce meant my dad didn't have much money at the time, and St Bernards never do well with leg surgery as they're just too heavy for their own legs.

The drive home was agonising, I still remember it clearly. I swear I almost "knew" when she died as we were driving home.

As we pulled up I saw George looking through the front room window for us, when he saw the car he ran for the front door. When we opened it and he saw that we'd come back without his mum... he was just never the same after.

It's hard to explain. Those that truly know their dogs will understand that dogs have personalities just like humans. George was always bouncy and full of life, but after that day he was different. Everyone that knew George noticed it.

After that I became even closer to George. I'd come downstairs in the night and sleep on the floor in the kitchen just for his company. I made an effort to take him for walks every single day, sometimes took him to school (As a big dog the other kids always fussed over him, which I know he liked).

About another two months after Jasmine died, I was at home by myself. Playing on the Xbox or something. George walked into the room, and collapsed on the floor in front of me. I dropped my controller and flew into the middle of the room. I didn't know what was happening, but his eyes were darting everywhere and he was breathing quickly. I didn't have a clue what to do, so I just stayed with him and tried to comfort him. After a few minutes he seemed to recover, and stood up. I phoned my nan and told her that something was wrong with George.

Whilst on the phone, I hadn't noticed that George had wandered out the back garden. My nan said she'd be right over - I put the phone down and went to find George.

I found him out the back, lying down in Jasmine's area (the only time he had ever gone into it), dead. I don't remember much about what happened immediatly after but I do remember giving him one last cuddle.

I never found out why he apparently died, but I know George died of a broken heart.



I know dogs are different but I hope my story gives some insight about what I, personally, have felt. Or maybe I just wanted somewhere to share my story - I don't often talk about this at all and it reduces me to a crying wreck in minutes. But as eveyone above has said, time does heal, and whilst I'll always miss George and Jasmine, I know I'll never regret a single second of the time we spent together.
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