What to do...?

[Feasty]

Got a bit of a dilemma... My wife and I are trying for a baby without much success due to a syndrome she has, so far she's done really well and we're getting nearer but still have a way to go.

Thing is she works in a high up job earning in excess of 40K pa, whilst I get a tad under 20k pa. Now we've been married for 8 years this year and this has never been a problem relationship wise. We've been home owners for a while and recently moved into a house that we love but takes a lot of our money - and if she wasn't working we couldn't afford the mortgage.

Problem is she gets a lot of stress and anxiety from her job, which isn't very good for her trying to get pregnant, but she doesn't see a way out.
I don't earn enough to support us in my current job in IT and don't have much in the way of skills or experience to help me jump the ladder. I'm currently training to be a driving instructor but again this isn't going to land me a great deal more in wages.

What the hell can I do!? Getting a 2nd job still won't bring enough money in and she probably wouldn't let me as it'd mean less time together. The last thing we want to do is move house and downgrade, plus she doesn't really want to start looking for another job as she sees just as much stress involved in this too.

I would love for us to duck out of the rat race and buy a B&B somewhere where we are our own bosses, but that'd be a longer term idea.

Any ideas? Advice? Help? Please! Just haven't a clue how to better myself job wise or financially at the moment...

[Dragonfly]

You dont sound financially ready for a baby. I think 20k a year is enough to live on but your in a differant area where 20k in not maybe. Try earning a top wage of 12k thats what most are on here and have kids. There area also people who dont work have kids etc and they can do it so i am sure you can on your wages. Again depending on the area you live in.

sounds like you want the best for this coming kid and give it the best. Your wife is on excellant wages and if she is getting stress it will be harder ,so its a catch 22 she either leaves and has a kid maybe get a less stressful but lower paid job of stays in stressful job and be childless? She may even leave if she where to get pregnant and not return to work like some do.

You really are in a dilemma though, sorry i cant give more advice.
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Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[Feasty]

Don't get me wrong I'm totally appreciative of the situation we are in at the moment financially, and without meaning to be big-headed or anything I know we have higher wages than the majority. Unfortunately it's a lifestyle we have got used to over the years... as for not being financially ready, we are of an age that means we can't wait any longer or it'll be too late to have kids!

Personally I don't really have financial goals and am happy trundelling along through life at a steady pace (which has always been the problem I feel!). The missus on the other hand has always been supported, educated and pushed to achieve the most she possibly can... which has led to our current situation!

[Barry_M2]

Become a house husband.

Why does she have to give up her job?

Just give up your job and look after the baby once its born.


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[Feasty]

[Barry_M2]

Oh, your talking about now!

See if she can get a few weeks off work, stress levels come down, chances of getting pregnant go up.

I do see your situation, bit of a tricky one isn't it!


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[strawberry]

I really don't mean to sound harsh (and I hope it doesn't - I'm just aware that some people can be decidedly touchy on this subject) but... it sounds quite simple. If she really does think the job stress is leading to an inability to conceive then the choice is fairy clear - what's more important, more money or a higher chance of conceiving?

Of course, it's also a strong possibility that the problem isn't particularly related to her job and instead simply to the growing stresses of difficulties conceiving and blaming the job is just obvious and convenient =/

I realise this is much easier said than done but so often it seems that 'giving up' on the idea of conceiving/birthing ends up in a pregnancy actually occurring.
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[Feasty]

Hmm, thing is she's just had 3 months off work for an infection (and this really wasn't stress related in case you wonder - coz we did!). But no sooner is she back when things come tumbling back on top of her again.
As for the conceiving thing, we've been trying for years and been seeing several consultants etc so it's not just the stress - I'd say it is currently an added factor though...

[Trixie]

What about your wife getting some sort of stress-busting therapy? A massage in her spare time? Counselling? Kick boxing? Just something to get rid of the stress as best as possible without having to leave a well-paid job.

If her stress levels come down and she conceives, then you're winners on both counts!
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[Steve H]

With all due respect you're asking advice on a life changing decision on a forum where childish behaviour is the common denominator.

Personally I'd look a little closer to home for an answer to this 'un.

If trying to have a baby is becoming an issue for you and your partner you may get better support and advice here
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[Dragonfly]

I agree with strawberry


If she is going to concieve and have a kid she cant have her job, although she has been pushed to achieve in life with her job what she really wants to achieve now is her concieving. So it may not be so bad giving up the job and maybe when she has the child she can go back to work, if she is well educated she wont have a problem getting a job.

As for where you live you will have to make sacrifices for a kid, most people do. You can have both unfortunatly. You will need your extra dough for the kid so surgest moving to a cheaper place. I knwo your used to it but it may happen.
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Muzza on Binge:
He's too busy beating the everloving shit out of Lizzie to notice this thread has taken a turn down Drama Avenue and stopped off at the popcorn shop.

[Feasty]

[Annabella]

[Feasty]

It's redundancy threats that's led to her having to take this more stressful job in the first place - and she was one of the lucky ones!! So sabbatical or secondment aren't really options... As for adoption, we went ahead with this initally a couple of years ago but came to a very VERY difficult decision we wanted to try more for our own first.

Talking of which, I don't know if you've every been through the adoption process but it is a nightmare. We were expected to have someone home full time all the time anyway and child care was frowned upon...

[yambabe]

OK maybe a bit controversial here but what the hell......

Conceiving and carrying a child is a biological process. If your wife is ovulating and producing healthy eggs and you are producing healthy sperm I can see no way that her being "stressed" would interfere with that process. Her state of mind has no bearing on her body's ability to begin the conception process, or indeed contrary to popular belief her ability to carry it through to term. If you have been trying unsuccessfully for years and have seen specialists then that tells me that there is a serious underlying problem that has nothing to do with her job or your joint lifestyle, it's purely a medical thing.

I can't see how giving up her job at this stage would make any difference at all to your chances of conception.

What I can see, reading between the lines, is a lady who seems to have bought herself into a corner and is looking for an excuse to get out of it without actually admitting that she may have taken on something that is too much for her. "I want to concentrate on having a baby" is a much better cop-out than "I hate my job and want to leave" huh?

If you are serious about having children and it's going to involve some kind of artificial or medical intervention then you have to weigh up your options and make the choice.

Downsizing in terms of home and lifestyle may be the only way that you can do it. If it's "the last thing eiter of us wants to do" then however old you are in years you are probably not mature enough to be parents.

A child isn't an executive accessory FFS, it's a lifetime commitment, a money pit and at the same time possibly one of the most rewarding and satisfying things you can do with your life if you get it right.

I wish both of you luck, and I hope you can work this out, but I truly think you need to look at your priorities and attitudes here because I am not seeing the desperate "sell everything for another go at IVF" thing that I have helped a friend go through.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.
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[Dragonfly]

[lozzypop1]

[colin1]

depends how much you want kids.

if you really want kids, maybe sell the house and get a cheaper one, she gets a lower paid less pressure job, and then maybe gets pregnant.

i disagree with yam, im sure being stressed would reduce the chances a woman getting pregnant. I certainly know that stress can cause miscarriages.
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[bazza]

[J0Al1]

Could she not just cut her hours/wage, be part time. Then money still comes in and less stress due to less hours - happy medium?

[J0Al1]

[BanditBitch]

[Kara]

[Jull]

When we decided we wanted a baby hubby's Peugeot 1.9 GTI got swapped for a Fiat Uno, we swapped 3 foreign holidays a year for 1 English caravan one (first holiday after when daughter was nearly 2 yrs old) and we went from 2 full time wages down to just hubby's. We lived in a tiny 2 bed house with no central heating (we did have a gas fire and hall heater). Our happiest memories are in that house.

Was a struggle but the only way we could afford it and I didn't want to go back to work leaving the house at 7.15 am and returning at 6.30pm. Tried to swap to part time but couldn't.

Babies need love, care and attention not material possessions.

All the best with conceiving, stress can affect a woman's periods so presumably it could affect conceiving too.

[Kwaks]

If her job is so stressful I think you should be more concerned about her health atm, time to downgrade the house and let her find something more suited to her
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